Phone Etiquette

I know that I have my faults concerning phone etiquette(Not calling people back, etc.) but some things absolutely irritate me when it comes to the fine art of "reaching out and touching" somebody. Granted, I don't want to bludgeon someone with a receiver or strangle them with a phone cord or anything, these are just random things that irritate the piss out of me.

If you call, say something you savage!: Ladies and Gentlemen,(holding up a candle) my name is HumanityCritic and I am an asshole! I have admitted that fact from day one, but I cherish my friends and try to treat them with the utmost respect. Now, I have a friend named Quincy who is truly a nice guy who wouldn't hurt a fly. The problem is that when he calls me he doesn't say anything, at all. For example: (Phone rings) Me: Hello Quincy: Hey HC what's up man?? Me: Chillin', just trying to figure out if I can market my 2 minute porn flicks to the public Quincy: Cool (Then there is a extremely long, painful silence) The next few minutes is mixed with me manufacturing conversation and trying to get off the phone immediately. It's funny, I have no problem hitting some random asshole with a chair or telling some miscellaneous woman that her private area smells like roadkill after she rudely dissed my friend, but I can't bring myself to tell Quincy that his calls are as boring as a Oaktown 357 reunion album.

I don't want to talk to your fucking kid!: Ladies, I respect the fact that many of you are single mothers, holding down the fort responsibly and with grace. I also understand that your child comes before any man, and whoever you date has to understand that. That being said, I don't want to talk to your fucking kid. It always happens, while I am trying to negotiate a deal to "bump uglies" later that night, the woman goes, "Hold on HumanityCritic, my baby wants to talk to you!!" (Rolling my eyes) I say, fighting back a tone of irritation, "OK, sure" See, if the kid is a certain age then we can have a somewhat decent conversation where they could express certain things articulately, and answer certain questions that I have.(i.e How many dudes come and visit "mommy" during a 7 day period?..and, Do you usually hear moans from "mommy's" room the first time a guy visits? You know, shit like that.) But most times the child just learned to talk, so the conversation usually goes like this: Me: Hey little man, how are you doing? Kid: hello Me: How are you doing? Kid: Huh, hello Me:(frustrated) I'm going to know your mother in a "biblical" sense! Kid: Hello Me: Don't tell your mommy, but I plan on folding her up like origami. Woman's voice: I had you on the speaker phone asshole!! Don't call here again motherfucker!! Fucking kids.

Can't they see you are on the phone!: I don't know about any of you, but if someone tries to have a conversation with me while I'm on the phone, I tell the person to wait until I'm off the phone or I tell the person that I'm on the phone with that I will call them back. I can't tell you how many times I have been talking to some woman on the phone and her no good, lonely as hell, agenda of cock-blocking friend tries to talk to her about the most asinine shit while I'm on the phone with her. I dated a woman named Terry who was pretty cool, but it seemed that her friend "A Fish Called" Wanda(as I called her) would always be over her house interrupting our convo. Here is a sample conversation: Me:Isn't Bush a motherfucker Terry: He sure is, how could he appoint that asshole John Bolton. That motherfucker..hold on HC..(talking to Wanda)..yeah girl, that skirt would look so good on me, but I want it in another color though.(back on the phone with me) OK, what were we talking about? Me: John Bolton Terry: Right! He was known to throw tantrums and..hold on..(talking to Wanda) That's right girl, he ain't shit. Looks like Star Jones husband should be on Queer Eye and shit. ME: TERRY!! Doesn't that dirty peasant have a home or something?? I'll call you later. That shit is just downright frustrating, but I got Wanda back though. I saw her in a club sometime back, on the bottom of a pile consisting of a couple women stomping her like they were trying to make wine. I could have easily got the women off her, but then again I didn't want to interfere.

If you know how I am, don't have me on speakerphone Jackass: Depending on the woman, and the shit she will let me get away with, my phone greetings can be a little vulgar. I had dated a woman that wanted me to call her a "Senora blowjob" because of her prowess with the almighty "mouth hug". I did just that, I would even address her as such when I talked to her on the phone most times. So why did she get mad at me when she called me on speakerphone, with her mother in the car, and not only let me call her "Senora Blowjob" but let me go on a 30 second salvo about me physically giving her "pearl jewelery". She was pissed, and her mother grabbed the phone and gave me an impromptu lecture on how to talk to a lady. I usually respect my elders, and I should have just let her finish cursing me out, but during her diatribe she called me one too many "degenerates" for my taste. So I said, "Ma'am, ask your daughter who wanted me to call her "Senora Blowjob"? Wait a minute, isn't you daughter 27? If you haven't come to grips with the fact that your daughter is freakier than Rick James on a three day crack binge, that's on you lady!" Let's just say I never saw "Senora Blowjob" again, but her silly ass knew better than to put me on speakerphone.

Think Before you leave a message: I have been known to leave silly messages, from singing the theme song to the "Beverly Hillbilly's". or quoting a line from "Juice" where Tupac goes "Riverside Motherfucker!!" I'm not really talking about that childish behavior, something even more embarrassing. If you ever are hurt by a boyfriend or girlfriend, try to actually talk to them on the phone or face to face. The last thing you want to do is leave a seething message, or a message where you are sobbing while expressing your undying love for them. Being 31, I thought that this practice was long and gone amongst people my age, until a friend of mine played the message of her ex-boyfriend crying and saying "how sorry" he was. As she played the message of this sorry son of a bitch crying, her girlfriend's were laughing and absolutely cracking the fuck up. I usually have a sick sense of humor, but I guess being a guy who has been brutally hurt before, I didn't find anything funny about that. Later that night I went to a friends house to play pool, then he wanted to play me a message of his pissed off ex. Her message went something like this: "I know you are cheating on me, and if you are I will castrate you! I will burn your fucking house down, then I will let some guys out of prison hold you down and make you their bitch. I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HAAAAATE YOOU! AHHHHHH!!" Now that's some funny shit, I know, I'm a hypocrite.