Ask HumanityCritic...

The past few months I have gotten several emails from people who frequent my blog. For those who had complimentary things to say, let me just say "Thank you" and the love is greatly appreciated.(Even though I miss the hate mail that I received around election time to be totally honest) But there are also a lot of emails where people ask me questions. Not just of the blog variety either, but dating tips, my opinion on pop culture, and the life in general. So here are some questions that I received since September 2004 that I will answer, even though some of the questions are strange as fuck. Here we go.

HumanityCritic, I am dating a girl who was once a lesbian. Do you have any insight on this?

I see you have been reading my blog, I sure do. I once dated a girl who said she was a "reformed lesbian", and at the time I didn't think it was a big deal at all. But as time went on certain things started to bug me the fuck out. For one thing, when we would go to the mall or any public establishment she would stare at asses longer than I would. Also, I met one of her ex-girlfriends and that chick not only had a harder hand shake than I did, but I really think she could have beaten my ass. I also felt inadequate as a lover, based on the fact that she would treat the back of my head like a gearshift whenever I was "down south." None of this stuff I'm saying is based on any type of homophobia, just honest feelings. At the end of the day I was always wondering when she would go back to chicks, so I was never comfortable. For all I knew she really wanted to be with me, but then again I sabotage relationships faster than Martin Lawrence does his movies.

HumanityCritic, I see that you are a movie buff, are there any movies that you liked as a kid that now you hate?

Yes, and that movie would be "Weird Science". OK, you have two Nerdy dudes who create the perfect woman and they never have sex with her?? What kind of shit is that? Not only that but the two chicks that the nerdy guys end up with are pretty homely looking compared to the woman they created. Now if that was my movie, not only would I have sex with her, I would video tape it, then proceed to make multiple versions of her ass and start a goddamned brothel. Even though it isn't a movie, but as a kid I used to love He-man cartoons. But looking back, that was a very homo-erotic cartoon. The outfit He-Man had made him eligible to be the new member of the Village People and shit.

HumanityCritic, How long have you had you dreadlocks?

It will be 10 years in October. When I said "You know your hair is getting too long when you have to adjust your hair to wipe your ass", I was speaking from experience.

HumanityCritic, I just learned that my new boyfriend has a history of violence against his girlfriends. What should I do?

Even though I feel wildly uncomfortable answering questions suited for a professional, I do feel comfortable saying Leave his ass! Take it from someone who has a violent history against your garden variety male douchebag, it is extremely hard for me not to smack some guy in the mouth without proper counseling. I feel, without the proper counseling, that he will resume that disgusting habit on you. But sweetie, I am the same guy who has cursed a preacher, pissed in front of a cop, and almost set a homophobe on fire, I might not be qualified to give you professional advice.

HumanityCritic, what do you like most about blogging?

People showing their love is extremely nice, reading other people's blog and being amazed at how many talented writers there are.

HumanityCritic, has anybody tried to hate on you in the past year?

Hell yeah, have you been reading my blog?? I had a guy create a entire blog just because I had pissed him off so much.(He stopped blogging, peasant) I have had people give me death threats via email, and a whole bunch of cowardly inter-blogger shit talking. BUT, the latest incident of HATE is when a few bloggers contacted me saying that a few black bloggers had banded together to "never comment on my blog again." What kind of simple shit is that? I know that "jocking" is the ultimate compliment but some people need to knit, or find some fucking hobby to occupy your time. Jesus..

HumanityCritic, who is the best MC of All time in your opinion?

Rakim.

Who is the most overrated?

Tupac

Best Group?

Public Enemy

HumanityCritic, you always say that you can only last two minutes. You are shitting us right?

Yeah, I'm just fucking around. On average I can give a lady 2 and a half minutes of ecstasy easy. A good three minutes if I am liquored up on Jack Daniels.

HumanityCritc, what do you think your dad would have thought about your blog?

I think he would have said something like, "Why do you keep saying that I'm dead? That's fucked up man."

HumanityCritic, Have you ever been in a three way?

Huh? No, and I'm glad about that because its bad enough leaving one woman unsatisfied, leaving two unsatisfied might have your ass winding up on the back of a milk carton.

HumanityCritic, I have the feeling that my boyfriend is cheating on me because the sex feels different, unexplained whereabouts, and he gets real defensive. What do you think?

As a person who has been the cheater I can tell you that you need to drop his ass like a bad habit. Hell, even if he isn't cheating on you, the mere fact that he can't explain where has been is grounds to dump him on the basis of being a douchebag. I have learned that for the most part that a persons instincts are usually right. But if you want to stick it out until you are sure just make sure he wears some protection. But again, I am not a licensed professional.

HumanityCritic, people keep asking you if you are going to write a book. What gives?

I am writing something as we speak, and I will let people know about it when I get deeper into it.

HumanityCritic, do you think you are sexy?

What kind of question is that?? I don't know? I guess it depends what you like. If you are a woman that finds the movie "Diary of a Mad Black Woman" fine theater, can quote lines from the likes of Mike Jones or lil' John, and thinks the way someone speaks is directly linked to their "blackness" then you wouldn't find me sexy at all. BUT, if you are a chick that digs black men on skatebaords, finds nothing wrong with making love to a Public Enemy album, doesn't get disgusted if I randomy punch a motherfucker in the throat while we are out, and finds nothing with me writing in a blog as a daily activity, then I might be one sexy son of a bitch. But then again, I feel that "sexiness" is a title that only others can give you, that is my opinion.

HumanityCritic, have you ever had any venereal diseases?

Jesus, you fuckers ask anything don't you? No, I never had a venereal disease. But this one time I thought that I had crabs though, enough that I shaved myself "down there", bought some toxic like ointment, threw out sheets and clothes,and other spastic displays of paranoia. When my paranoia reached an all time high I went to the doctor and found out nothing was wrong, just letting my mind get the best of me after being with a woman that I should have worn a damn space suit instead of a condom while being with her.