Thursday, August 11, 2005

Ask HumanityCritic...

The past few months I have gotten several emails from people who frequent my blog. For those who had complimentary things to say, let me just say "Thank you" and the love is greatly appreciated.(Even though I miss the hate mail that I received around election time to be totally honest) But there are also a lot of emails where people ask me questions. Not just of the blog variety either, but dating tips, my opinion on pop culture, and the life in general. So here are some questions that I received since September 2004 that I will answer, even though some of the questions are strange as fuck. Here we go.

HumanityCritic, I am dating a girl who was once a lesbian. Do you have any insight on this?

I see you have been reading my blog, I sure do. I once dated a girl who said she was a "reformed lesbian", and at the time I didn't think it was a big deal at all. But as time went on certain things started to bug me the fuck out. For one thing, when we would go to the mall or any public establishment she would stare at asses longer than I would. Also, I met one of her ex-girlfriends and that chick not only had a harder hand shake than I did, but I really think she could have beaten my ass. I also felt inadequate as a lover, based on the fact that she would treat the back of my head like a gearshift whenever I was "down south." None of this stuff I'm saying is based on any type of homophobia, just honest feelings. At the end of the day I was always wondering when she would go back to chicks, so I was never comfortable. For all I knew she really wanted to be with me, but then again I sabotage relationships faster than Martin Lawrence does his movies.

HumanityCritic, I see that you are a movie buff, are there any movies that you liked as a kid that now you hate?

Yes, and that movie would be "Weird Science". OK, you have two Nerdy dudes who create the perfect woman and they never have sex with her?? What kind of shit is that? Not only that but the two chicks that the nerdy guys end up with are pretty homely looking compared to the woman they created. Now if that was my movie, not only would I have sex with her, I would video tape it, then proceed to make multiple versions of her ass and start a goddamned brothel. Even though it isn't a movie, but as a kid I used to love He-man cartoons. But looking back, that was a very homo-erotic cartoon. The outfit He-Man had made him eligible to be the new member of the Village People and shit.

HumanityCritic, How long have you had you dreadlocks?

It will be 10 years in October. When I said "You know your hair is getting too long when you have to adjust your hair to wipe your ass", I was speaking from experience.

HumanityCritic, I just learned that my new boyfriend has a history of violence against his girlfriends. What should I do?

Even though I feel wildly uncomfortable answering questions suited for a professional, I do feel comfortable saying Leave his ass! Take it from someone who has a violent history against your garden variety male douchebag, it is extremely hard for me not to smack some guy in the mouth without proper counseling. I feel, without the proper counseling, that he will resume that disgusting habit on you. But sweetie, I am the same guy who has cursed a preacher, pissed in front of a cop, and almost set a homophobe on fire, I might not be qualified to give you professional advice.

HumanityCritic, what do you like most about blogging?

People showing their love is extremely nice, reading other people's blog and being amazed at how many talented writers there are.

HumanityCritic, has anybody tried to hate on you in the past year?

Hell yeah, have you been reading my blog?? I had a guy create a entire blog just because I had pissed him off so much.(He stopped blogging, peasant) I have had people give me death threats via email, and a whole bunch of cowardly inter-blogger shit talking. BUT, the latest incident of HATE is when a few bloggers contacted me saying that a few black bloggers had banded together to "never comment on my blog again." What kind of simple shit is that? I know that "jocking" is the ultimate compliment but some people need to knit, or find some fucking hobby to occupy your time. Jesus..

HumanityCritic, who is the best MC of All time in your opinion?

Rakim.

Who is the most overrated?

Tupac

Best Group?

Public Enemy

HumanityCritic, you always say that you can only last two minutes. You are shitting us right?

Yeah, I'm just fucking around. On average I can give a lady 2 and a half minutes of ecstasy easy. A good three minutes if I am liquored up on Jack Daniels.

HumanityCritc, what do you think your dad would have thought about your blog?

I think he would have said something like, "Why do you keep saying that I'm dead? That's fucked up man."

HumanityCritic, Have you ever been in a three way?

Huh? No, and I'm glad about that because its bad enough leaving one woman unsatisfied, leaving two unsatisfied might have your ass winding up on the back of a milk carton.

HumanityCritic, I have the feeling that my boyfriend is cheating on me because the sex feels different, unexplained whereabouts, and he gets real defensive. What do you think?

As a person who has been the cheater I can tell you that you need to drop his ass like a bad habit. Hell, even if he isn't cheating on you, the mere fact that he can't explain where has been is grounds to dump him on the basis of being a douchebag. I have learned that for the most part that a persons instincts are usually right. But if you want to stick it out until you are sure just make sure he wears some protection. But again, I am not a licensed professional.

HumanityCritic, people keep asking you if you are going to write a book. What gives?

I am writing something as we speak, and I will let people know about it when I get deeper into it.

HumanityCritic, do you think you are sexy?

What kind of question is that?? I don't know? I guess it depends what you like. If you are a woman that finds the movie "Diary of a Mad Black Woman" fine theater, can quote lines from the likes of Mike Jones or lil' John, and thinks the way someone speaks is directly linked to their "blackness" then you wouldn't find me sexy at all. BUT, if you are a chick that digs black men on skatebaords, finds nothing wrong with making love to a Public Enemy album, doesn't get disgusted if I randomy punch a motherfucker in the throat while we are out, and finds nothing with me writing in a blog as a daily activity, then I might be one sexy son of a bitch. But then again, I feel that "sexiness" is a title that only others can give you, that is my opinion.

HumanityCritic, have you ever had any venereal diseases?

Jesus, you fuckers ask anything don't you? No, I never had a venereal disease. But this one time I thought that I had crabs though, enough that I shaved myself "down there", bought some toxic like ointment, threw out sheets and clothes,and other spastic displays of paranoia. When my paranoia reached an all time high I went to the doctor and found out nothing was wrong, just letting my mind get the best of me after being with a woman that I should have worn a damn space suit instead of a condom while being with her.

66 comments:

Amadeo said...

I have a question: Have you ever considered pursuing a career in Throat Chopping? You could make some money off me.

Anonymous said...

Whats up with keep us waiting?? Great post.

I am Jack said...

People are hating on you like that?? People are fucking babies I swear.

shinjyo said...

I have a question: Why are you so talented? Yes I am a fan. LOL

FantasyFootballGuru said...

Ok, you need your own advice column like Dr. Abby. That would sell, trust me!

bec said...

You defiitely have a writing flair about you, even when answering personal questions.

DUKE OF FLUKE said...

My question to you in how did you get so many people checking out your blog? AND even when you don't have many comments you have a huge daily number on your sitemeter. How? Plus, you are killing other bloggers by the way.

CaffeineDiva said...

I sabotage relationships faster than Martin Lawrence does his movies

Funny, sad and true all at the same time! WOW.

I have a question: If I give you a list of people who deserved to be "throat chopped", how much would you charge me?

Ethereal Darkness said...

Too funny.

MAISIS said...

You have one of the sharpest wits around, keep it up.

the epic said...

I was passing through and I was wondering, why haven't you written a book lately?

I am Jack said...

Defintely, write a novel already man!!

U-Liang said...

The late post threw me off, I almost didn't check for you. Glad I did. Pretty entertaining answers.

Roby said...

Awesome blog. I am loving what I'm reading.

Maglet said...

Definitely sexy...

You've inspired me to want to throat-chop at least 1 person by the end of the day. But I'm not down with child abuse, so I'll have to wait for the old man to get home. :o)

If your blog ever goes away, I'd miss it. Keep writing please!

brooklyn babe said...

Coming from NYC (Go Brookyln!!!) I absolutely, LOVE ME some Eric B and Rakim... one of the first ones to rock their shines and pay for their own musiz production and video and not end up like Irv.... I love playing "Check Out My Melody" on my bass... Another interesting READ. Do U...

P.S. Since you love to read writers thoughts and works, UR about due for visit babes, so holla!
-Su

Anonymous said...

I want to know if your ass is single?? With your funny blog writing ass.

kev fan said...

I loved the "clerks" post yesterday! Great answers, it's cool that you respect your readers which is important.

Anonymous said...

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My name was something to the effect of benjamin said...

There is a reason you own a blog and not a magazine.

The Humanity Critic said...

"There is a reason you own a blog and not a magazine."

Probably because if I owned a magazine I would use your mother as the centerfold, then have to be forced to change the name to "Crackhead Monthly"

Anonymous said...

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Anonymous said...

Awesome Blog! I added you to my bookmarks. Feel free to check out my blog on annual credit reports online anytime!

Shana said...

"if you are a chick that digs black men on skatebaords, finds nothing wrong with making love to a Public Enemy album, doesn't get disgusted if I randomy punch a motherfucker in the throat while we are out, and finds nothing with me writing in a blog as a daily activity, then I might be one sexy son of a bitch"

You had me at black men on skateboards. Nothing is sexier.

shinjyo said...

Now you know your blog is the hot shit when people start posting spam in your email section!! LOL

SMURF said...

I love!! My friend was telling me abut your blog now I'm hooked! Damn another obsession!

Cesarea said...

LMAO @ entire concept

Jesse said...

Black men on skateboards are sexy.. Hey, a girl can dream can't she?

Blackstar said...

I can't believe folks actually asked those questions. Thanks for sharing with us, you're hilarious!

Nia said...

I love this blog, I can't believe people actually hate on it. But umm...now that you mention I have a question for you. Why is it that you only respond to the comments that probably piss you off, or those that have republican agendas? (No wait...that still falls in the "piss you off" category. lol)

Msnhim said...

That was cool!

Anonymous said...

great writer and I look forward to reading your blog. A admire your honesty. many people can't do that.

Mia said...

will u marry me? Just kidding. But you do sound mighty cute although I would be scared out of my mind to piss you off.

Big N said...

I got a question: how are you able to beat up all the people you said that you beat up? Do you know any martial arts, or did you play a lot of Street Fighter, or do you have a massive kung fu collection that rivals your porn stash?

The Brutha Code said...

I've read your stuff, but never commented before but I just had to today --

When you said Rakim is the best MC ever and Tupac is the most overrated, all I can say is:

Amen. Amen. Amen.

FINALLY someone who I see eye to eye with on this.

Serenity23 said...

Ok, how in the hell did you think you had the crabs? Aren't they visable? I mean I always thought if you had "crabs" then you had little insects all over you down there. I'm scratching my head here.

Jamie said...

I've been lurking, but I had to say that you should consider writing a regular advice column. Good times.

NeenaLove said...

ummm... this is like reading Dear Abby. LOL... loved reading your answers!

Tazzee said...

great answers - I really enjoy your writing.

Kewi said...

you are a talented brotha.. continue to enlighten us

Toya said...

lol@you...you are a fool...ugh who would quote Mike Jones? blah!...i'm mad you shaved "sown there" LMAO hecky naw! tell me when you're finally done with ya book, cuz i'll read it! i wont even ask for a hook up! i'll actually buy it! :-) my buddy from BP had a book come out earlier this year too, so i supported him, but yea, good luck with that!

Luke Cage said...

Loved the Q&A man. I remember dude creating a whole blog to try to discredit you (whatever his agenda was-lol), but banding together to NOT comment again is pretty childish. Not the part of "not commenting again on your site" but the banding together! Geeez. Sometimes, the blog world never ceases to amaze me. Keep the hot shit coming regardless dawg...

kozmic_cocoa said...

Priceless. Again, you never cease to amaze me! You're da man!

Jems said...

Hilarious. I'm eager to hear more about this book of yours.

Fran said...

Pfft, the haters compared to all these that adore you...yet again, PFFFT!!!

Yeah, about that book...I'm totally anticipating when that day comes.

Brother OMi said...

"On average I can give a lady 2 and a half minutes of ecstasy easy. A good three minutes if I am liquored up on Jack Daniels."

you bugged man.
i wanted to do this A LONG Time ago.. some jerk offs just want to email and don't want to post comments..

lol

Robyn said...

This is hilarious & some people are pitiful ! People banding together to "boycott" and probably "blackball"---no pun intended-- you. WTF??? I have but 3 words....get.a.life. and in the words of my boy KnockoutZed, I think you should tell them "Carpe Testicularis" (Seize these Nuts)!! LMAO!

Don Tate II said...

I must be square 'cause I've never heard of Rakim.

gonebabygone said...

Many questions that I had floating around in my mind were answered here. With exception to the VD one.

IsLifeLame said...

who the hell is Manjula?

Toya said...

LOL!@islifelame! i was just about to comment again asking who that is because i've been wondering for the longest!

Ms_Kenesha said...

Why haven't I read this blog sooner.

Your answer to the sexy question was awesome and I almost choked on my Snapple Apple when you said throat chopping!

josie said...

hey man, the comment about the magazine crackhead monthly was boss. oh gosh.

Coley said...

This was great!!! LMAO as usual!

Oh and by the way HC, since I'm a "frequent flier" up in hea... I feel that it's ok that I point something out (*dodging HC's famous throat chops, and backing away slowly) Ahem... Are you seeing how much ASS you get solicited up in this hear blog???? Oh you do? Ok just checking... It's freakin hysterical!

:~) Smooches!!!

msjaim said...

Your ass is funnnnny!!!!!!!
Damn u are a witty brother!!! ...

My question: Do u think internet hook ups are lame? These days everyone seems to be doing it like its some regular 'ol shit.


U randomely chop MFs in the throat, me I sparingly suplex happy couples walking up the street.

I was going to keep u to myself, but now, I think I'll share u w/ my friends!!!... yes i'm jocking..lmbao!

Coffey0072 said...

People Hate on H.C.'s blog, because no one is reading theirs (yawn)
I have to say, hands down, this is one of the best, of not THE best blogs on the 'net.
I've got a few people at work reading your blog. Now they more religious about it than I am.
P.S.
Egyptian Viagra would increase your stamina to at LEAST 4 minutes. tee hee.

ManNMotion said...

Jumping on the bandwagon but doing it my own way...

1. Do you have a job? I haven't seen you blog about what you do for income.

2. Is msjaim tryin to get with you or what??

3. Why is Serenity scratching herself and talking about crabs?

Jdid said...

yo the black bloggesr not commenting thing is total b.s. just keep doing your thing guy, I think its cool you get so many comments, I aint mad at ya, I'm just trying to get my hustle on to get up there. nuff respect my yout!

Chele said...

Am I missing something or is there a reason I haven't seen a picture of you and none of the questions you answered were "Where's your picture?"

I feel like we are fambly and all but you remind me of relatives who always throw their hands in front of their face when folks go to snapping shots.

BLESSD1 said...

Boycotting HC? What part of the game is this? Dude, seriously, they can boycott, and you'll still have a legion of loyal fans...you're truly included. Keep doing your thing HC!!! Throat-choppin' is an ugly job...but somebody's gotta do it

Anonymous said...

But then again, I feel that "sexiness" is a title that only others can give you, that is my opinion.

Well let ME give him the title. Humanity Critic is sexy as Hell!

Sankofa said...

Black Bloggers banning against you. Damn, we'll form a group about anything. LOL...lol. Black Blogger March on Washington...I'm there! Anyway Papi...I am over here tripping that ANYONE is asking you for advice. That is like asking a virgin how to put on a condom...Smooches! Great piece!

Aquatic Muse said...

For the book, if you haven't yet gotten yourself a good editor, please allow me. It would be an honor. No, seriously.

Lilshon said...

This shit is funny as hell. Sorry didnt mean to send you an email

josie said...

ehy man. u think u can train me to do the throat chop? i think i got potential.

SunShyn said...

good lord...LOL...