Monday, August 29, 2005

HumanityCritic on the show "Cheaters"

(Post was inspired by me sleeping while this show was airing. Now I hope you enjoy my fictitious appearance on the show "Cheaters".)

(show starts)

Corny Announcers voice: On this week's episode of "Cheaters" we have a 31 year old gentleman that goes by the name of the "HumanityCritic". He has been with his live in girlfriend named Candy for over 2 years, and even though he thinks his imagination is getting the best of him, he thinks that Candy might be cheating on him.

(camera focuses of HumanityCritic)

HumanityCritic: You know what, I probably shouldn't have ever contacted you guys, I really don't think she is cheating. I mean, I have my doubts, but at the end of the day I am probably making a big deal out of nothing.

Off-screen Interviewer: Well tell us why you started to have doubts about Candy?

HumanityCritic: For one thing she started coming home later and later, saying that she "got tied up at work".

Interviewer: She could be telling the truth about that, anything else??

HumanityCritic: She has also seemed rather distant lately, but then again she has just switched careers so that might explain that. That's about it.

Interviewer: Yeah man, you are paranoid.(turns to camera crew) Lets wrap it up guys, this was a false alarm. Take care HumanityCritic!(Starts to get up out of chair)

HumanityCritic: Oh yeah, did I tell you that one day I called her and I heard a man in the background. I asked her "who in the fuck was that?", and she said it was her cousin Jerry.

Interviewer: So?

HumanityCritic:I just thought back to when she told me that she is the only grandchild to both sets of her grandparents. Where did this new motherfucking cousin come from?

Interviewer:(sits back down) Shit, go on.

HumanityCritic: I also think she has had men in my crib when I'm not there because I found a condom wrapper laying on the floor.

Interviewer: So, it could have been yours!

HumanityCritic: Dude, it was a magnum and..(pulls down pants) Do you think that THIS can securely fit into a Magnum??

Interviewer:(Shielding eyes) Ewww, put that thing away!! That's gross!! (turns to cameraman) At least we know that the "myth" isn't true! ha ha.. OK HumanityCritic, we will see if she's cheating. I'm scared to ask this but, is there anything else??

HumanityCritic: Yeah, this one time I sent her flowers with a note saying, "From the man that is making you scream and moan as soon as you get home!"". When she got home that night with the flowers in her hand she said, "Look honey, motherfuckers at my job are still pulling practical jokes, aren't they silly giving me these flowers?"

Interviewer:(laughs alongside the camera crew): That doesn't mean that she's cheating, just that you give weak di..

HumanityCritic: What motherfucker!! Say it!!

Interviewer: Nothing, we will see what's up.

(The camera crew spends the next two weeks tailing Candy, having her under surveillance. HumanityCritic doesn't know this yet, but they have her on video with another man at dinner, at a concert, a nightclub, and at HumanityCritic's residence while he is out of town.)

(Joey Greco calls HumanityCritic)

Joey: HC, we have something, come immediately!

HumanityCritic: OK, umm, I'm kind of busy now. Can we link up later?

(sucking sounds in the background)

Joey: What is that I'm hearing in the background, are you having sex??

HumanityCritic: Of course not!! I contacted yall because I wanted to see if the love of my life was cheating on me, I am appalled that you would even come to me like that!! (speaks away from the phone) Damn baby, less teeth OK!

Joey: Oh shit, you are having sex!! I just wanted to let you know that Candy is out with a man right now!

HumanityCritic: OK, I'll be right there!

(HumanityCritic shows up 2 hours later, clothes in disarray, and lipstick all over his face)

HumanityCritic: OK, I'm here!

Joey: (wiping lipstick off of HC's face) Where in the fuck have you been?

HumanityCritic: Just show me the evidence asshole!

(Joey proceeds to show HumanityCritic surveillance video of Candy at a dance club, dancing with a man identified as Chris)

(HumanityCritic shaking head)

Joey: Are you going to be alright?

HumanityCritic: Yeah, just I'm shocked that she would cheat on me with a dude with dance moves like that! Look at those moves!! He can't fuck with this cabbage patch.(begins doing the cabbage patch and a bunch of other played out dance moves) He ain't got shit on me!!

Joey: Whatever.(shows him some more video) This was last week, Candy went out with that Chris fellow to a concert. I don't know what concert they went to, but they seem to be having a great time.

HumanityCritic: Squinting at video. (begins to cry) That's fucked up man, how could she do this to me?

Joey:(pats HC on the back)I know it hurts to have somebody cheat on you like this!

HumanityCritic: Get your goddamn hands off me!(wiping tears) Fuck the cheating, she is at a motherfucking lil John and Ying Yang Twins concert man!! I really thought I knew that girl.

Joey: (showing him more video) This last video is the both of them in your house making love. Damn, he is really "gettin' in them guts" as the brothers say! (camera crew gathers around) Look at the way he is smashing that, he has Candy folded up like origami and shit!

HumanityCritic: ahem!

Joey: Sorry dude. Lets go to where they are having dinner at.

(Next shot is HumanityCritic and Joey riding in a van in route to confront Candy)

Joey: I know that you are hurting and all, but I need you to be calm about this.

HumanityCritic: Calm? I'm going to be calm.(HC pulls out twin glock 9mm that he starts putting bullets in, and starts looking through the sights)

Joey: Whoa, we aren't going any further unless you get rid of the guns. Driver, stop this car immediately!

(Car pulls over to the side of the road)

(HumanityCritic pulls guns on the driver and Joey)

HumanityCritic: I'm not going to hurt anybody, unless you don't move this fucking car immediately.(car suddenly speeds off) Joey your ass knows better, you were already stabbed, don't make some poor doctor spend his valuable time digging bullets out of your ass!

Joey: OK, OK, whatever you say.

(HumanityCritic, Joey, and the camera crew swarm around Candy and her lover Chris as they are sitting at a park bench cuddling and shit)

HumanityCritic: A-Ha, I caught your trifling ass! Who in the fuck is this?

Chris:(stands up) Hey homey, what is this about?

HumanityCritic: Sit your bitch ass down! Candy, what do you have to say for yourself??

Candy: I'm sorry baby, you are so busy with your writing and that damn blog, I felt that I needed more attention.

HumanityCritic: I ain't talking about that, shit I knew what I was getting into when I first learned your name was "Candy" for christs sake! I'm talking about seeing you at a Ying Yang concert, how could you do that to me??

Chris: Hey, I like like Ying Yang twins, and so do my boys!(3 of his henchmen gather around) What's up homey?

Candy: You shouldn't have done that!

Joey: You shouldn't have done that!

Random guy named Brian that HC actually beat up in this post: You really shouldn't have done that!

(HumanityCritic pulls out both guns, waiving them at henchmen. They run, similar to the way George Bush ran from Vietnam service)

HumanityCritic: Bitches! It's only me and you now Chris!

Joey: You don't want to do this man, it's not worth it.

HumanityCritic: I would have let the guy go, but he DID have sex in my crib though. Sorry, but his ass ain't walking away from this!!

(Iselfra appears, he has been called because he is a member of B.H.A.I.L. along with HumanityCritic. The producers thought that he could talk some sense into him)

Iselra: What exactly are you doing?

HumanityCritic: What does it look like? I am going to shoot this motherfucker!

Iselfra: No your not, trust me.

HumanityCritic: Why not?

Iselfra: Because I know you and you don't have the balls man. You ain't built like that homey!

HumanityCritic: You don't think I'll do it, because I will!

Iselfra: No you won't, your heart pumps Kool-Aid son.

HumanityCritic: I won't do it huh?

Iselfra: (Starts making a clucking sound to imply cowardice)

Chris:(to Iselfra) Dude, shut the fuck up man!

HumanityCritic: Fuck it!(points guns downwards and shoots Chris in both of his feet)


Joey:(To Iselfra) You instigated the whole thing!

Iselfra: Of course I did, any man to knowingly sleep with another man's woman in HIS crib deserves some sort of punishment. Plus, HumanityCritic is my man and all, but he still succumbs to peer pressure like a highschooler.

Joey:(To HumanityCritic) I thought you were going to kill him when you said that "he ain't walking away from this."

HumanityCritic: Shit, Look at him!

(Chris crawling around on the ground)

HumanityCritic: He ain't WALKING away from this!

(HumanityCritic, Iselfra, Joey, Camera crew, cute make-up girl that I had my eye on, and even Candy erupt in laughter)

HumanityCritic:(To Candy) What in the fuck are you laughing at?? I'm not done with your ass!

Candy:(backing up) What are you going to do to me?

HumanityCritic: Me? Nothing, I don't touch women. But I know some women that do!!(Lets out a big whistle)

(Suddenly Belle, Coley, solitaire, princessdominique, Sudani72, and Sankofa appear out of nowhere. They race towards Candy and begin to systematically beat the living fuck out of her, to the point that all you see is one of those cartoon clouds, with the occasional weave or cheap earring flying into the air)

Joey: Damn, they are whipping her monkey ass!

HumanityCritic: Let's go guys, I know some women of ill repute who absolutely love this show! What do you say?

Joey:(along with crew) Hell Yeah!

Iselfra: Count me out because I am a happily married man....and my wife reads your blog, but that's beside the point.

HumanityCritic: That's cool, lets go guys, before the cops come, I have warrants!


bren said...

Very well done - chuckled all the way through.
Gotta love that Joey Grecco - well, I'm sure someone does ???

josie said...

you just too talented! good story

Nikki said...

Haha, that was quite entertaining.

Rachel said...

I could picture that happening some day... ;)

Anonymous said...

You are a great writer with a wicked imagination.

I am Jack said...

LMAO!!! How great was that!!!

shinjyo said...

Too funny! keep it up man, hilarious.

princessdominique said...


Steash said...

everthing that can be said, has already been said.

Damn yo.. You one hilarious awesome mo-fo.

Don't you dare stop posting.

E_1979 said...

Well it started off a good enough parody ... but you blackend it way up ... no way greco will be saying any slang terms.........

good job though ..... you have a wild imagination .....

Me said...

*pats HC's face*

*heartening eyes* Something is seriously wrong with you, suga.


Like no, seriously. *continues patting*

Anonymous said...

Another classic entry!!! Dope.

BlueAngel said...'re somn' else.

bec said...

I would tell you that you have issues, but you already know that!! Hey, on another note, I read your post about how yopu heard that there was a conspiracy against you? Well, I think you are on to something.

There are certain people who used to comment on your page months ago, now they don't any more, but they flock to the blog of another writer who couldn't hold your jockstrap. Is he behind it? Hmm, very interesting..

afrobaggins said...

Where do you come up with this shit man?? you definitely have a gift.

babc said...

The part where you had tyo prove that you couldn't fit a Magnum had me rolling!

U-Liang said...

When is the book coming out man?? I need a copy!

Bob Smith said...

This is the reason that you should win some awards bro. Nice work.

natalix said...

LMMFAO@You!! You are crazy as hell, remember that.

FantasyFootballGuru said...

You need to be committed, but make sure you write a book before they put you in a padded room. :)

kelli said...

That's the funniest shit I have read all day.


usually I hate that show, but you made it seem rather entertaining due to your writing skill.

Garden Fanatic said...

Totally awesome.

Cesarea said...

I saw the episode where Joey got stabbed, so when you referenced it I laughed my ass off!


The best thing if you are ever confronted on that show is leave immediately! Then you could save face.

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Anonymous said...
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scribe said...

You demented son of a bitch! I've found a new home.

Thanks for stopping by my blog. Have you read my piece on Cheaters?

Anonymous said...
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Anonymous said...
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Coffey0072 said...

...(sigh) and then hers was the last in a long line of Spam...
Anyway, funny, funny, funny. Used to watch that show religiously, but then it started to seem a bit too contrived to me... the more popular it became.

Chele said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Chele said...

You are going to
THAT episode would drive their ratings through the roof.

*patting hair back in place and readjusting glasses*


What a disgusting display.
*stifling giggles*

Blackstar said...

That was so funny. Me and my girl were just saying how much we wished "Cheaters" came on in our city. Just like a man to get mad about his woman cheating while he's doing the same thing.

Brown Shuga said...

Ok...if this wasn't the funniest shit! I watch Cheaters from time to time so that made it even more funny! LMAO

Coley said...

HEY HC!!! You are fucking hilarious! You had me ROFLMAO from start to finish!!! And you know you called out the right girls (thanks for the shout out) to get the job done we got yo' back for reals..HC! :~)

I also saw that episode, where Joey got stabbed. That shit threw me off... I wasn't expecting it, but then again I might shank a mahufucka for snitchin' too... LOL!!!


DJ Diva said...

too funny

BushCheney08 said...

nice blog!

circleinasquare said...

Hee hee hee!


Brother OMi said...

And I don't get to kick anyone's ass? dag...!

another banger, be.. thanks for the love... you da man...

Brother OMi said...

And I don't get to kick anyone's ass? dag...!

another banger, be.. thanks for the love... you da man...

feels good b n FREE said...

thanx...needed something to take me away tonite...even if it was only for a a ghetto ass place. (smiles)


brooklyn babe said...

LMAO... I just peeped, that I'm part of the "whipping crew." Now you know "Tina" would cut a chick ass for messin with her "Ike"
-Tina over and out
aka Sudani... aka Bklyn Babe!

You know you I got read your shit at lunch hour, and not I got no lunch.... dayum, dayum dayum!

brooklyn babe said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
brooklyn babe said...

Re: BEC comments..... now thats the same ish that got Malcom shot.... lol.
HC "just do what you do..." if you inspire a m.f. or two, or TEN... then hey..... MORE power to "you..." besides the one thing that I admire is your personality shines through...
I wasn't here a few months ago, and could care less... you were the first person to respond on my blog, and even tho' ur triflin ass aint been (yes I peeped how you only write newbies "great post" and bounce). its still all love luv!!!
Tina is still here Ike on stage!!!!!
And to all them bitin' peeps... tell em "get dey hands out cho' pockets" lol
Until next lunch time!

Bre said...

I used to watch that show as well, but it began to look so rehearsed it wasn't funny anymore. That was an awesome rendition of Cheaters. So funny how you didn't care about the actual cheating as much as you cared about the concert they went to. Classic!

Jdid said...

classic man classic

solitaire said...

HA HA HA...I'm there putting a whooping... well I'd be the one on the side, not touching anybody, but giving the orders!