Friday, August 19, 2005

HumanityCritic on the Campaign Trail

(HumanityCritic fast asleep besides two butt naked women)

(phone rings)

(HumanityCritic clumsily climbs over the women to answer the phone)

HumanityCritic:(In a groggy voice) Hello

Bill Clinton: What's up HumanityCritic?!!

HumanityCritic: Who in the fuck is this? Do you know what time it is, it's..

Bill Clinton:(Interrupts) 12 noon on a motherfucking Friday, get your black ass up!

HumanityCritic: Bill?? What in the fuck do you want man?? I'm still mad at you from last time I saw you when you cock-blocked me and stole the girl that I was talking to. Speaking of that, what kind of asshole approaches a girl with the line "I'm Bill Clinton baby!"?

Bill Clinton: It worked didn't it?

HumanityCritic: You have a point, what's up?

Bill Clinton: Well I figured that since you took Bush out twice in a freestyle rap battle, that it is time that you throw your hat in the political arena. Think of all the quality tail you get!!

HumanityCritic: Like Monica? hee-hee

Bill Clinton: Fuck man, that's what I hate, intellectual laziness! Just because a guy gets caught fucking a "chubby 3rd stringer", all of a sudden people think that that is the only quality of tail he gets? Get the fuck out of here with that bullshit!! The quality of chicks I had in the White House would have made JFK say, "You're a pimp dog!!" Don't sleep motherfucker!!

HC: You sure are touchy today! Anyway, I can't run for president man, I have smoked weed
and "inhaled", plus the press would have a field day with the photographs of me kicking chicks out of the White House early every morning. Also, I won't be 35 for 3 more years asshole!

(The girls that were in HumanityCritic's bed have now gotten dressed, and are staring at him with a pissed off look on their face)

HC: Hold on Bill(puts down phone to address the two women) What's up?

Girl A: Where is our motherfucking money?

HC: Money?? I don't pay for sex, I'm the HumanityCritic Baby!!

Girl B: You are just a chubby black bastard with a blog! (Holds hand out)

HC: The money is on the table, Scram!

Girls:(In unison) Fuck you!

HC:(picks phone back up) Bill?

Bill: I told you that line only works for me with the ladies!! Anyway, I was talking about the Black Weblog Awards. They have a few awards that I thought you were qualified for, you should ask people to vote for you.

HC: I have already put the banner on my blog a couple of days ago..

Bill: Yeah, but what you need is a campaign commercial, something to show your readers "why" they should vote for you. You should give it a shot.

HC: OK, but in me doing that, wouldn't it be selfish, an act of narcissism, and the epitome of self promotion??

(Bill Clinton and HumanityCritic, in unison, turn to all the bloggers out there flashing a shit eating grin)

Bill: So it's set, I have set up a camera crew that is going to film your first campaign commercial. I have contacted the members of your world security team you are a part of, B-H.A.I.L, to be your cabinet, it's good to go.

HC: Fuck it, why not. So, how's Harlem treating you?

Bill: Bro, I can't talk right now because Hillary is in the room. But I will say one thing about the women in Harlem, and get what you want out of this..(whispers in the phone). Junk-in-the-trunk!

Hillary: Bill, you motherfucker!

Bill: Gotta go, bye

HC: Hey Bill

Bill: Yeah?

HC: Happy Birthday bitch!!

Bill: Damn man, thanks. Good luck!

-----------------------------------------------------------

(Campaign Commercial starts)

(James Brown's "Poppa Don't take no mess" comes on. The image of Iselfra, Amadeo, Luke Cage, Belle, and HumanityCritic in the middle walking in slow motion)


(Voice of HumanityCritic):Hi, I'm HumanityCritic, and I support this Message

Today, my fellow blog enthusiast, I ask for your vote. Granted, I can't address your national security concerns, making health care available for all Americans, or even making our schools better for our youth to receive a better education. I wish I could do those things for you by running for president, but I am only a single black guy in Virginia, and the mere fact that there are pictures of me smoking weed and a possible sex tape floating around, being Commander in Chief is out of the question. I ask that you vote for me at the 2005 black blogger awards website. Granted, I know that this is the epitome of shameless plugging, self promotion, and a downright pathetic practice where I will comment vague shit just for people to check out my site, but if you read my blog for 2 minutes you will see that I don't bother with trying to live up to any "moral standard."

Fellow Internet browser, If I have your vote I will promise a few things: 1: To always do my best to write from my heart. 2: To do my best to make you laugh, even if that means embarrassing myself and exploiting my sexual shortcomings(Pun not intended dammit!) 3:I promise, as my name is HumanityCritic, that if we ever hang out, to bitch-slap any individual who gives you problems. Or give them my signature throat-chop, take your pick. and 4: To continue to be the most abrasive, direct, and lovable asshole a guy could be.

In the next month, you can vote for all those other blogs that continuously bore the piss out of you, or mine that..hopefully doesn't bore the piss out of you. You can vote for all those other blogs where all people do is talk about themselves, or you can vote for my blog where..OK, I do talk about myself a lot, but not in a "I'm so great" kind of way but in a "look at how much of a douche-bag I am, hence making your life more livable" kind of way.

I can hear some of you now saying, "Give me some proof, why I should vote for your black ass??!!" OK, even though the color of my ass is unimportant here, let me provide you with a few links. The post entitled "A Complete Idiots Guide to Having a Black Friend" I gave people who were culturally unaware a rulebook when dealing with someone of another race. The post "HumanityCritic's Tell All Autobiography(Circa 2033)" I gave a fictitious account of me in the future, as I looked back at all the celebrities I was "with". I gave the "every man" some support when I wrote a fictitious, An Episode of "Thug Eye for the Regular Guy" , which every man that doesn't want to fall under a stereotype can truly relate to. You have a true to life account of a struggle that I had entitled "Turn off that MotherF#%cking Radio!", my fictitious rap battle/debate against George W. Bush in the posts entitled "Live from the White House: Rap battle: Bush vs. Humanity Critic" and the sequel to that entitled "Bush vs. HumanityCritic: Rap Battle on the White House Lawn Pt. 2". You can't forget about my story about going to a poetry event entitled "A Fictitious Tale about a Coffee-Shop" , also a true story about me defending someone and their right to love whoever they want entitled "Somewhere Over the Rainbow". But, if those entries don't blow your skirt up just go to my site and see if you find something even mildly entertaining. If not, you have permission to call me a waste of flesh, lord knows my ex-girlfriends do.

How do you vote you ask? OK, just go to the 2005 Black Weblog Awards website, click on "Awards" and you will see eleven categories to chose from. The categories that I feel that I fall under for nomination are "Blogger of the Year", "Blog of the Year", "Best Humor Blog", and "Best Writing in a Blog". There will be two boxes where you fill out your name and your email address. Under that you type in "HumanityCritic" under "Nominee" and "www.nappydiatribe.blogspot.com" under "Nominee URL". Then simply check the category boxes below that you feel that you want to vote for me for and just click on vote. Simple, painless, easy.

Even though this message is a begging attempt to garner your vote, that doesn't mean that you have to vote for me. By all means, if you think another blogger is more deserving, then do what is in your heart and vote for them. I won't have a problem with that.(Except the fact that I might make a voodoo doll of you, so if you feel a constant shooting pain during the day just realize that you made the wrong vote!! Just kidding, Kind of.)

In closing, whether if you vote for me or not, I appreciate your support and the kindness you showed me over the past few months. Keep reading my blog, and I will keep trying to provide you with continuous laughs and utter foolishness. Email your thoughts, your reactions, or if simply want to say "I wish you were never born you bastard!" then feel free.(Lord knows I hear that enough from my mother, so I'm used to it.)

Thank You,

HumanityCritic

Paid for by the HumanityCritic "I'll Throatchop a Motherfucker" Campaign of 2005, INC.

83 comments:

Sankofa said...

I think I'm first...YEAH!!!

Of course you have my vote, man. PUT THE WORD OUT Y'ALL And maybe next year...HC CAN WIN THE BLOGGER OF THE YEAR! (Here we go with our own groups again)...LOL.

So, HC, can u introduce me to Bill?

I am Jack said...

You have my vote man. But, are you going to let Bill talk to you like that without giving him a throatchop? LOL

Carrie said...

you're so fucking funny!!!!!!!

Anonymous said...

Even when you are campaigning you make it funny!!!

BlueAngel said...

HC...I;ve defintely voted for you. You definitely deserve recognition for any of the categories you've listed. Since I've started following your blog, I've loved every minute of it and look forward to reading more.

Good Luck!

Oliviasmommi said...

Babe, you know you had my vote a long time ago...I even went back and voted with all of my other e-mail addresses too...lol...I am just glad to see you campaigning for yourself...I was getting tired of blowing smoke up your ass *wink*

Me said...

"I'll Thoatchop a Motherfucker"

LMAO!!!

Something is wrong with you. Really.

Paco said...

Ill vote for you, man! Definitely!
I found your blog a couple days back and Ive tried to read as much of it as I can.

You crack me the fuck up! I love your violent nature, your "I dont give a fuck about you" attitude and your jokes, man.

Keep the good blogging comming.

Cymple said...

Ha! Cute. I like the convo with Bill. lol

Garrett said...

Ha yo man you're hilarious my buddy Vaman had your presidental rap battles haha those were funny you got a little skill which made it better... Keep up all the good work check my blog more..

IsLifeLame said...

hahaha... I hope the $15 prize is worth it!

kelli said...

You have my vote. To above commentor, it's not about the prize it's about the recognition. Shit, if the prize was 3 blades of grass, it would still be cool to know that your peers voted for you.

brooklyn babe said...

I think the comments speak for themselves. Your loved kiddo. You have a natural knack for a being a "asshole." (LOL. And above all your were my first comment, and blog that I ever visited, glad I did, cause I would given up on this shit, weeks ago! Thanks!

Juli said...

Dude. Let me tell you something. This little bloggy poo KICKS MUCH ASS. It NEVER FAILS to be entertaining! Your writing style is excellent and the way you constantly make fun of yourself is priceless! I am totally voting for your blog! Keep up the good work!

LB said...

We are of like minds you and I. I really think you should check me out. I'm not any competition. I'm not black, I'm kraft.
Life as a Box

Coley said...

I already voted for you!!!! I hope you win, you definitely deserve it!

XOXOX, Coley

Oliviasmommi said...

thanks for the love...finally...lol.

. said...

Voted for you in several catagories.

Good luck

Ted

Saladevisitas said...

I see you flipped some shit. I voted you in. You got it!

Chele said...

That.....was classic. You goot, boi. You goot!

HighMaintenanceHussy said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog...yours is hilarious! I'll be sure to cast my vote. :)

miyna said...

what directly the f*** was that last comment about...

anyway, you know you got my vote, in as many categories as you fit, i kid you not. and when's that book coming out, dammit; i'm running out of things to read around here! if you don't get over to Blogbinders.com right now, i swear...

watch out for Bill, man, he'll get you into some trouble - but that kind of trouble ain't so bad, for a dude. at least you'll come out of it smiling!

cera said...

you know i already voted for you hc. keep me laughin!

Coffey0072 said...

You had me at "bitch-slap" ... I've already cast my vote! Good luck, man.

James Manning said...

Well, you know you already got my vote, but this post just validates my inital opinion that you are one of the best writers on the blogosphere. HOLLA

that_girl said...

okay, heard you, went there and voted..for you! I just follow blindly!

HOW said...

Thanks for stopping by my blog. . .opps, that was my post on someone elses blog. Just thought I would stop by and tell you thanks for commenting on my post that someone "borrowed" from my blog!!! And you are pretty funny!!

CaffeineDiva said...

I already voted for your crazy ass and made it a point to tell others to vote for you... I feel like a damn campaign volunteer!

Berry said...

Thanks for coming by (I know you are on the campaign trail and all) and commenting on my old blog. Not sure if you have been by the new place yet. The link is attached to my name. I'll be the first to send my congratulations out in advance for your sweeping win of the blogger awards. :-)

spchrist said...

that skit was absolutely hilarious

princessdominique said...

You know you've got my vote. Leave it to you though to go out campaigning, the rest of us newbies don't stand a chance, especially if Bill is endorsing you!

techymike said...

I voted for you...it's the least I can do since you stopped by my blog and gave me some love.

Looks like some funny stuff here. I bookmarked you, so I'll definitely be back to read more. Keep it up!

-Your Computer Guy

eric said...

too funny, man.

looks like billy boy's stealing his pick-up line ideas from dave chappelle!

e+

Afromusing said...

I miss bill clinton too. Nice post!

"J" said...

Wow, that was long. Thanks for visiting and like what I've said, I'm loving your blog. Voted for you, wink~

HS said...

You're a riot! You've got my vote :)

Brother OMi said...

yo can you make me head of CIA if you win.. ah snap its blog awards... sorry

**RPM** said...

I already voted for you bruh. Good like. And brilliant self promotion. Nice work!!!

SeaKitty said...

you know, you're the only blogger i read that i actually know is black. race seems a prominent issue in your life. i don't know if there just aren't many black bloggers or if you're just in this place that you struggle with people who piss you off all the time. makes me think you live in a red state. [i live in an urban blue area.] but regardless of your behavior, it's most backed by admirable ideology. i'll vote for you and your outloud persona.

SeaKitty said...

ok. i tried to vote. and i got an error-do not try again message. so i tried again anyways and got the same thing.

MiniMee said...

I haven't commented on a blog in a second, but the "I'll throatchop a motherfucker" line did it. I love the whole image of the throat chopping.

Bensinger333 said...

Vote for this man.
This shit is off the hook!

The Benjamin D. Singer Experience for the Ladies

Beloved said...

Ya know, I'm still kinda torn. I noticed that you said that you'll throat-chop a nigga for my vote, but if you douse gasoline on this one dude in particular, I'll vote for you in EVERY category! LOL! PS Thanks for the kind words on my blog!

southernspeak4 said...

Even though you came to my sight, I WILL vote for you because you made me spit Coke out through my nostrils when I read this.

Marilyndrew said...

awesome blog!

i won't vote for black awards on principle (yes, i'm one of those obnoxious people that think awards/job/recognition should be based on merit, not "race")

but i would bang you over clinton... ;)

kev fan said...

Ok, I have been a lurker for some time now and I love your blog. I must say to the above commentors that for one thing, just because HC visits your site it doesn't mean that he is trying to get your vote.(He is an admitted asshole, he would have asked for it on his site...lol) Also, what is the logic behind "not voting for a black blog awards on principle", how you shouldn't vote if its based on race? Geez. Ok, what if black blogs don't get recognized, then what?? HumanityCritic's blog is better than most of the blogs that have won other awards. The fact that black blogs don't get recognoized is a fact, once you get your head out from out of the sand, just compare his with other winners of "bigger" blog awards..Yep, that is pretty obnoxious..

I am Jack said...

Yeah. HC visited various blog sites before there was even a blog awards. But I digress, good luck bro.

Will said...

You already have my vote for Blogger of the Year. Trust that. You deserve it.

Marilyndrew said...

kev fan-

"blogger of the year" sure

i wasn't trying to come down on HC or his blog in anyway

i just don't agree with awards for being black, or white, or green, or male or female---

recognition should be based on achievement

i've never heard of "black bloggers" having to overcome any additional obsticals for being a "minority blogger"

i hate that shit. (not that that had anything to do with HC or his writing or you)

i think affermative action and awards for "people of color" or insluting to everyone, especially the people who achive something noteworthy and are only recognized in comparison to other's in their "race", as opposed to everyone, or every color

unfortunatly, i'm in a bad mood today and am going to rant about it more than usual

i'll come say something extra nice, and less cotroversial (and possiably spelt correctly) later this week :)

kev fan said...

I think the insulting part is that cool blogs like this, are never mentioned with the "bigger" blog awards. This is hardly black people getting lynched, or people drinking out of "white only" water fountins, but just like "B.E.T" and particular "black" magazines had to be invented because other aspects of the media weren't covering black culture, I don't see why the World Wide Web would be any different.

Besides, there are awards that are created for the handicapped, women, shit even for alums of a specific school, you must feel the same way about those awards because they are "exclude" everyone else. Correct?

Erin said...

Ya got my vote.

Anonymous said...

Very good grasshopper.
Should I vote for you????? Or that other wack ass? Just joking...kinda sorta.
I heart Humanity Critic!

*Belle*

jen said...

u are just brilliant! You get my votes in all the aforementioned categories

Anonymous said...

This is a awesome blog!

reese said...

You should think about running for president man!

Anonymous said...

Hands down, you got that son.

shinjyo said...

Damn, mad comments, mad love.

frankie said...

You are a fucking nut!!

gonebabygone said...

My vote is in!

<><

Guessaurus said...

Count me in as well dude, this was too funny for words... :)

peachy said...

I'll just vote in spirit. I hate voting for stuff. :)

Roximoon said...

FAN-FUCKING-TASTIC!!

Willy Jo said...

deer quar(s),

just in case you were in the markette. i collect dog terds that look like the baby jesus and sell them to quars like yerself

you herd me

Johnnydanger said...

Wow, the guy who just posted a comment is a sanitary napkin who needs his bitch ass kicked.. but anyway, enough about the inbred fuck "Willy Jo", I'm voting for you dude.

TriniPrincess said...

If I spray paint "a vote for HC is a small step for mankind" across my baby tee, think you can let my mom meet Pimp Daddy Bubba? She's a wee bit obsessed. LOVE this site by the way... =)

Amadeo said...

I hope that lewd pictures of me don't hurt the campaign...

courtneyelizabeth said...

LMAO...you're so silly...lol

Mala said...

Damn man, how do you fit your dick in your pants with all the folks you got riding it? AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA.....whew AHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA oh man....

Ray said...

I personally think that you should get 100 comments per post-your shit is that good. Now that's real.hahahahahahahaha

Jenn said...

Not that you need any more comments, but this fuckin' rocked me! I LOVED IT!

You got my vote.

Warped Bryce said...

there's something eerily similar between Clinton and Napoleon Dynamite. Can't put a finger on it, but it's palpable.

sj-the-infamous said...

You got my vote. At least a couple times. And when we hang out, I got a few folks for you to bitch-slap and throat-chop....hehehehehe.

Tazzee said...

You had my vote long before you hit the campaign trail. I don't post every day, but I read you regularly. Keep up the great posts!

Girl With An Alibi said...

I put my vote in! Good Luck HC! If anybody deserves to win, it's you.

Tinker said...

just read this post. i will go vote!

Butta said...

The convo with Bill was priceless! You never cease to amaze.

You know you got my vote. I see you already got your cabinet down, so can I be one of your backup dancers? LOL

introspectre said...

Such a shameless hussy, you are!

Anonymous said...

I would vote for you...except I am running against you...but on principle alone...you win hands down...I have never seen funnier writing on here...I am so deeply in awe of you...it borders on hating...LOL! but dont worry you gon' win...in all categories except the one I am running in...LOL!

solitaire said...

Very good work, HC, very good work.

But you forgot to post the picture of the women who love you...ROTFLMAO.

(inside joke)

-The Campaign Manager

Taux said...

Thanks for stopping by and leaving that sweet self-promo comment, and sorry for the late appearance- but I guess I still got to the ballots in time, so yours is my vote in all eligible categories.

Honest- LOVELY BLOG! I'll keep checking back.

Good luck, man!

lindsay-lee said...

You've got my vote HANDS DOWN!! I will admit that I have been jockin you from the first day I read your blog! Your blog is so entertaining! Thanks again for the laughs!

Anonymous said...

i already voted for you long ago :) actually as soon as i found out that there is such a thing.
you are truly one of the best bloggers i ve read so far in the blogoverse and i appreciate your fresh real and genuine sounding approaches to any issue in life. i love it.
good luck, and yeah, where is that book___???
piranha

moluv said...

You have my vote. I put a plug in a Moluv.com too. Hopefully that'll help the cause. Good luck!