Go Critic, It's your Birthday, We're going to Party like its your Birthday!

On this day, 32 years ago on the island of Oahu, Louise and James brought a bouncing baby boy into this world. That 8 pounds 10 ounces of caramel goodness would one day become the insufferable prick that most of you know today as the HumanityCritic. How do I put this delicately? It's my motherfucking Birthday!!! Not only is this day representing my 32nd year on this earth, but it is also the one year anniversary of this blog.(The exact date is a week from now, but its still close) So before I continue on with my nonstop bullshit and incoherent rambling, let me take the time to thank all of you for checking out my blog and the kind words you have thrown my way. I appreciate every one of you, sincerely.(Just make sure you fuckers vote for me here. You can get further instructions here. OK, the pandering is over.)

To be honest with you, looking back on my life, I am happy that I made it this far but I am also surprised. Surprised because since I saw a good friend of mine get shot when I was a kid I have kind of lived life with a reckless abandon, until the past few years.(I learned that interesting tidbit during a therapy session, Tony Soprano ain't got shit on me!!) This entry is inspired by all the memorable birthdays I have had.

10 years old:(1983) Even though me and my father didn't get along much, I think we both have a twisted sense of humor. I remember the days approaching my tenth birthday he kept saying that I wasn't going to get anything if I didn't behave. I thought he was bluffing and I dismissed his pedestrian threats. The day before my birthday he said, "OK, this is your last chance to straighten up your act!". I remember nodding in agreement, but having a "Fuuuck Yooou!" look on my face as he threw idle threats my way. My birthday comes and I wait, wait, then wait some more for some gifts or something, but I didn't get anything. My dad was like, "You thought I was bullshitting, you aren't getting a motherfucking thing!!" The sickest part is that my siblings or my mother didn't intervene in this madness, showing this lunatic the error of his ways. I remember crying myself to sleep, only to be awakened by my father, with him holding a cake and my mother coming in with a plethora of gifts. It was pretty shitty, and my father knew it, because it was the only time outside his final days on his death bed where he apologized to me.

16 years old(1989): Like most teens about to turn 16, I couldn't wait to get my license and cause absolute havoc. My parents didn't want me to drive at all, not because I couldn't handle the machinery correctly, but because they knew that I was nuttier than squirrel shit and would probably end up running some poor motherfucker over on purpose. Anyway, I got my license, and was ready to drive my Hooptie(Cutlass) around town. Lets just say that my first day of legal driving was a memorable one. My cousin, my friend Keith, and myself decided to get a shitload of eggs and tattoo passers-by like we were doing a suburban drive-by. Yes it was immature, yes it was childish, and it was mean to pummel random pedestrians with eggs, but I never laughed so hard in my life. Hearing the sounds of grown men scream in fear and agony as raw eggs exploded on their person is a memory that will last forever.

21 years old(1994): Believe it or not, before the age of 21 I rarely messed with alcohol. I mean, I would occasionally get hammered over some chicks house that I wanted to get to know biblicly, but those times were few and far between. My cousin's good friend, who became my friend eventually, was in town from New York to find a apartment because he planned on relocating. The day of my birthday we hung out all day, and I remember drinking nasty ass "Zima's" with him in the parking lot of a shopping mall. I was so drunk, in broad daylight mind you, that the only thing that I recall is saying wildly inappropriate things to anyone possessing a vagina that day and making a fool out of myself. Wait a minute, I remember that night being at the Oceanfront freestyle batting random rappers, still saying wildly inappropriate things to women, and still making a fool out of myself. Seems like things haven't changed that much over the years.

22 years old(1995): A year into drinking legally, I became the wildest I have ever become in such a short time period. Alcohol made a quick tempered, abrasive asshole into a quicker tempered, more abrasive asshole with a "hit first" mentality. At this time I was in a rap group called "See no Evil" with my best friend at the time and two of his cousins. We were actually kind of good, to the point that people around town started to know us for our rapping prowess. On this day 9 years ago we had a show at this Hip Hop club that I can't remember the name of. We were on the bill with a few other acts and we happened to go last that night. Our set went well, the crowd was responsive, and at the end I felt good enough to bust a freestyle rhyme where I gave the group that preceded us some love. When we get off the stage the group that I gave a shout out to had thought, somehow, that I dissed them. I tried to explain that I was giving them love in my freestyle verse but they weren't trying to hear it. After being on the business end of a few too many "I'm going to kick your ass' rants, I walked over to the the main one talking shit and smashed him over the head with a chair. The next 15 minutes was spent not only fighting that particular group, but also the host of the night that tried to break it up, and the father of one of the men that we were fighting. The night ended with a pair of handcuffs being tightly secured around my wrists. It just goes to show you that alcohol and a innocent freestyle rhyme sometimes don't go together.

Born on this Day:
Chris Tucker
Debbie Gibson
Eldridge Cleaver
Buddy hackett
James Coburn

Virgo's of Note:
Kobe Bryant
Dave Chappelle
Nas
Michael Jackson
Salma Hayek
Stephen King
Beyonce
Ludacris
Otis Redding
Moby
Ray Charles
Branford Marsalis
Cal Ripkin Jr.
River Phoenix
Elvis Costello
Lennox Lewis
Charlie Sheen
Damon Wayans
Raquel Welch
Gloria Gaynor("I will survive")
Richard Roundtree("Shaft")
Pink
Adam Sandler
Moby
Yao Ming
Fiona Apple
Dan Marino
Oliver Stone
B.B. King
Lance Armstrong
Jada Pinkett Smith
James Gandolfini
Bill Murray
Ricki Lake
Joan Jett
Bruce Springsteen
Gene Simmons
Sean Connery
Regis Philbin
Macaulay Culkin
Mother Teresa
Pee-Wee Herman
Gloria Estefan
Dr. Phil