Wednesday, August 31, 2005

Go Critic, It's your Birthday, We're going to Party like its your Birthday!

On this day, 32 years ago on the island of Oahu, Louise and James brought a bouncing baby boy into this world. That 8 pounds 10 ounces of caramel goodness would one day become the insufferable prick that most of you know today as the HumanityCritic. How do I put this delicately? It's my motherfucking Birthday!!! Not only is this day representing my 32nd year on this earth, but it is also the one year anniversary of this blog.(The exact date is a week from now, but its still close) So before I continue on with my nonstop bullshit and incoherent rambling, let me take the time to thank all of you for checking out my blog and the kind words you have thrown my way. I appreciate every one of you, sincerely.(Just make sure you fuckers vote for me here. You can get further instructions here. OK, the pandering is over.)

To be honest with you, looking back on my life, I am happy that I made it this far but I am also surprised. Surprised because since I saw a good friend of mine get shot when I was a kid I have kind of lived life with a reckless abandon, until the past few years.(I learned that interesting tidbit during a therapy session, Tony Soprano ain't got shit on me!!) This entry is inspired by all the memorable birthdays I have had.

10 years old:(1983) Even though me and my father didn't get along much, I think we both have a twisted sense of humor. I remember the days approaching my tenth birthday he kept saying that I wasn't going to get anything if I didn't behave. I thought he was bluffing and I dismissed his pedestrian threats. The day before my birthday he said, "OK, this is your last chance to straighten up your act!". I remember nodding in agreement, but having a "Fuuuck Yooou!" look on my face as he threw idle threats my way. My birthday comes and I wait, wait, then wait some more for some gifts or something, but I didn't get anything. My dad was like, "You thought I was bullshitting, you aren't getting a motherfucking thing!!" The sickest part is that my siblings or my mother didn't intervene in this madness, showing this lunatic the error of his ways. I remember crying myself to sleep, only to be awakened by my father, with him holding a cake and my mother coming in with a plethora of gifts. It was pretty shitty, and my father knew it, because it was the only time outside his final days on his death bed where he apologized to me.

16 years old(1989): Like most teens about to turn 16, I couldn't wait to get my license and cause absolute havoc. My parents didn't want me to drive at all, not because I couldn't handle the machinery correctly, but because they knew that I was nuttier than squirrel shit and would probably end up running some poor motherfucker over on purpose. Anyway, I got my license, and was ready to drive my Hooptie(Cutlass) around town. Lets just say that my first day of legal driving was a memorable one. My cousin, my friend Keith, and myself decided to get a shitload of eggs and tattoo passers-by like we were doing a suburban drive-by. Yes it was immature, yes it was childish, and it was mean to pummel random pedestrians with eggs, but I never laughed so hard in my life. Hearing the sounds of grown men scream in fear and agony as raw eggs exploded on their person is a memory that will last forever.

21 years old(1994): Believe it or not, before the age of 21 I rarely messed with alcohol. I mean, I would occasionally get hammered over some chicks house that I wanted to get to know biblicly, but those times were few and far between. My cousin's good friend, who became my friend eventually, was in town from New York to find a apartment because he planned on relocating. The day of my birthday we hung out all day, and I remember drinking nasty ass "Zima's" with him in the parking lot of a shopping mall. I was so drunk, in broad daylight mind you, that the only thing that I recall is saying wildly inappropriate things to anyone possessing a vagina that day and making a fool out of myself. Wait a minute, I remember that night being at the Oceanfront freestyle batting random rappers, still saying wildly inappropriate things to women, and still making a fool out of myself. Seems like things haven't changed that much over the years.

22 years old(1995): A year into drinking legally, I became the wildest I have ever become in such a short time period. Alcohol made a quick tempered, abrasive asshole into a quicker tempered, more abrasive asshole with a "hit first" mentality. At this time I was in a rap group called "See no Evil" with my best friend at the time and two of his cousins. We were actually kind of good, to the point that people around town started to know us for our rapping prowess. On this day 9 years ago we had a show at this Hip Hop club that I can't remember the name of. We were on the bill with a few other acts and we happened to go last that night. Our set went well, the crowd was responsive, and at the end I felt good enough to bust a freestyle rhyme where I gave the group that preceded us some love. When we get off the stage the group that I gave a shout out to had thought, somehow, that I dissed them. I tried to explain that I was giving them love in my freestyle verse but they weren't trying to hear it. After being on the business end of a few too many "I'm going to kick your ass' rants, I walked over to the the main one talking shit and smashed him over the head with a chair. The next 15 minutes was spent not only fighting that particular group, but also the host of the night that tried to break it up, and the father of one of the men that we were fighting. The night ended with a pair of handcuffs being tightly secured around my wrists. It just goes to show you that alcohol and a innocent freestyle rhyme sometimes don't go together.

Born on this Day:
Chris Tucker
Debbie Gibson
Eldridge Cleaver
Buddy hackett
James Coburn


Virgo's of Note:
Kobe Bryant
Dave Chappelle
Nas
Michael Jackson
Salma Hayek
Stephen King
Beyonce
Ludacris
Otis Redding
Moby
Ray Charles
Branford Marsalis
Cal Ripkin Jr.
River Phoenix
Elvis Costello
Lennox Lewis
Charlie Sheen
Damon Wayans
Raquel Welch
Gloria Gaynor("I will survive")
Richard Roundtree("Shaft")
Pink
Adam Sandler
Moby
Yao Ming
Fiona Apple
Dan Marino
Oliver Stone
B.B. King
Lance Armstrong
Jada Pinkett Smith
James Gandolfini
Bill Murray
Ricki Lake
Joan Jett
Bruce Springsteen
Gene Simmons
Sean Connery
Regis Philbin
Macaulay Culkin
Mother Teresa
Pee-Wee Herman
Gloria Estefan
Dr. Phil

118 comments:

DM said...

Let me be the FIRST to say happy birthday! Don't memorialize this day by killing anybody!

lady in satin said...

Happy Birthday sweetness!!

Have a great birthday and I wish you many more! =)

Oliviasmommi said...

Happy Birthday from a fellow Virgo!

totolehero said...

God bless HC!!

Love said...

happy birthday

josie said...

happy birthday, HC! I know understand why you so hot-blooded. You a virgo. The one sign that you shouldnt mess with. I should know, my mama a virgo.

TMJ said...

Happy Burfday!

though most ppl might be horrified by the events in your birthday recollections, I laughed my ass off and enjoyed every word.

Brother OMi said...

happy born day mother grubber. didn't know we were the same age.

glory said...

damn virgos... now i know what's wrong with you! why it makes sense to put "critic" in your name. why throat chops are entertaining, LOL. i could go on, but you'd just tell me to stfu. so. happy birthday :)

**RPM** said...

Happy Birthday!!

Thykness said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YA!!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YA, HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YA (Stevie Wonder Version)Many Blessings on this day!!Hope you really enjoy yourself today!
XOXO

SHIMINEGE said...

Happy birthday papi...Virgos are cool my rising sign is a virgo that is how I think like you crazy people who analyze everyhting! Crazy asses..you go boy make it count!

Kelly said...

Happy Birthday!

Garrett said...

Happy Birthday man if you don't win the award for the blogs, then there's just something wrong there.

Guessaurus said...

Happy Birthday HC - hope you have a fantastic day.

Amadeo said...

Happy Personal New Year...Debbie Gibson?

Sparkling said...

Many happy returns

Blackstar said...

Happy Birthday!!!!!!!!!!!!

CaffeineDiva said...

Happy Birthday Fucker!

Sonia said...

happy birthday!! How do you plan on celebrating it this year?

Indigo Blue said...

Yeah, what everybody else said!

And what a funfilled 32 they seemed to have been. I know we're all still gettin good laughs from em'

Hugs and best wishes,

Indy

Miss A said...

Happy Birthday you sexy Virgo!

TriniPrincess said...

Feliz CumpleaƱos to ya, HC!
Now get sufficiently liquored up so I can laugh my ass off in the next rant. =)
Enjoy!

The Daily Fix said...

Happy Birthday Man! I;m sure the events of today will provide laughter tommorow. Keep the blog rollin.

Crackpot Press said...

I was the first of my friends to turn 21.

No one could go out drinking with me.

So we went to a dead show and did a lot shrooms instead.

The dealer hippie didn't even card us!

BlueAngel said...

Happy Birthday HC! May you have many more happy, healthy, and prickly returns!

Id it is said...

What's so great about a birthday! Why do you get congratulated??!!
Read my thoughts at i
iditis.blogspot.com
But since it makes you happy....happy birthday1

CultStatus said...

damn, mine was sunday.

I think virgos are the most interesting, complex people out there.

Yes, I know I'm biased.

And you still got no love for Kobell?

Brando said...

Happy birthday, you old bastard. As a present, I cast my vote for you at the Black Web Log Awards. At first, the loading screen said, "Up yours, cracker," but when I refreshed it worked fine.

T said...

I should have known. Just based on your posts, you have Virgo written ALL over you...difficult, but lovable, (but did I mention difficult?) :)

Anyway, Happy Birthday Humanity Critic!

Jazz said...

HAPPY B-DAY CRAZY!! I MISS YOU!

Coley said...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!! HOPE YOU HAVE A GREAT DAY AND A FABULOUS YEAR!

xoxoxoxo, smooches!

Chele said...

((((((((((HC)))))))))))

Jdid said...

happy birthday

Msnhim said...

Happy Birthday !

Berry said...

Happy Birthday!!!

brooklyn babe said...

STAY SOBER "IKE"!!!!!!
-Luv Tina... (aka Sudani72)

The Princess Herself said...

Happy Birthday baby luv!

Eriq Spiddy Ogutu said...

Happy Birthday from Africa. Hope you keep doing your thing critic

cera said...

PART TWO (2)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY FUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!

I am Jack said...

Happy Birthday dude!!

Anonymous said...

32 rocks!!

sherry

shinjyo said...

Happy Birthday

FantasyFootballGuru said...

Happy Birthday man!

bec said...

Happy Birthday and many more.

Garden Fanatic said...

Keep doing your thing HC!

afrobaggins said...

Happy b-day!!

Paco said...

Happy birthday man... have a good one

courtneyelizabeth said...

Happy Birthdaaaaaaaaaaay to you! You belong in a zoo....you look like.....

oh forget it...HAPPY BIRTHDAY FOO!

Court said...

HAPPY BIRFDAY!!

Girl With An Alibi said...

Happy Birthday HC!
Glad you made it this far.
May you continue to survive and thrive!

bren said...

Get yourself filled with lotsa liquor, and treat yourself to a doobie or 2, and go out and kick some ass.
It's your birthday - enjoy it!

Toya said...

happy birthday! i hope you have a blessed and wonderful day and that God bless you with many more...by the way, Sagittarians are better! :-)

Timmy said...

I'm just amazed that you (or anyone for that matter) actually remebers their 21st.

Aquatic Muse said...

Happy Birthday!

melette said...

Happy Birthday, HC!!! Please try to stay outta trouble today.

Anonymous said...

Chris Tucker? It kinda figures.

Red said...

Happy Birthday!

ken said...

"Chris Tucker? It kinda figures."

What in the fuck does that mean?? Anyway, Happy Birthday HC!!!

SP said...

Happy Birthday! I hope you get what you wish for! *Wink*

S

Bullet Proof Diva said...

Happy Birthday!

I hope you got some birthday nookie, or at least watched some good porn! LOL

Thinkerbelle said...

Happy Birthday Asshole!

Gloria said...

Happy Birthday you sexy motherfucker you!!

blackmartha said...

happy birthday.

Mia said...

Happy Bday..why was I not invited to the celebrations???

Kathryn said...

Happy, happy birthday.

souffle said...

whoa!! How'd I almost miss that? HAPPY belated(its only by a day) birthday you crazy trip...lol

Elizabeth said...

Cheers to another year. Make this one a good one HC, do your best to enjoy every day of life.
-Lyric

Robyn said...

From one Virgoan to another, Happy , Happy HAPPY Birthday!!!!

Echo said...

Happy Birthday, and may you have many more.

lindsay-lee said...

Yes, i am a day late and a dollar short, but HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!

lady_in_purple said...

happy belated birthday.

Schatzi said...

A day late... Happy Birthday HC! Hope you enjoyed your special day!

Sunnchine said...

Sorry I missed your birthday Critic, but I hope is was great.

I wish you ALL the best in the coming year and many BLESSINGS! Keep on keepin' on bruh :)

Coffey0072 said...

Happy MuthaF'in' Birthday. I hope you frolick in a sea of hedonistic debauchery.

Kelly said...

I hope there was not post today because you are extremely hung over or your hand is swollen from beating the living shit out of someone last night!

Coley said...

UMMM EXCUSE ME.... HC, WHERE U AT CRAZY???? YOU MUST OF GOT REALLY FUCKED UP LAST NIGHT AND MUST BE REALLY HUNG OVER TODAY CAUSE THIS IS SOOOOO NOT LIKE YOU!!!!

And ummm I'm sure you have an ass beating story for us... so wake your ass up and bring it boy!

Jez Chill said...

Ditto... Happy Birthday!

CiscoKid said...

Aloha!...and Happy Birthday..
Thanks for stoping by.

Hypothetically Speaking said...

Nothing happened between 22 and 32?!?
Happy Birthday!

WIP said...

"Virgo's of Note:..." Proactiff!

I have a similar story about my birfday *ahem* 9/17 ... LSS (long story short) I was born at 12:31 in the afternoon. How about for YEARS my mother did not even wish me a freakin' happy birfday until after I returned home from school and called her butt. I used to be thirty-eight fish-grease hot at her for that seemingly childish antic.

On anther note happy *belated* birfday. But true birfday folk still should be celebrating and partying like it's 1999. Oh, I forgot that it's ME who has a birfday on a SATURDAY this thirty-second year that I'm approaching *smile*.

Holla at your twin *wink*.

Theresa said...

With 81 comments (you're doin something right!) you might not get to see this, but thanks for visiting and I already saved you as a favorite. You had me at "irons and tupperware plates."

theclamwhisperer said...

Happy Belated Birthday and happy blog anniversary.

Jamie said...

HC - As the French say, "felicitations!" I laugh my ass off at most of your stuff, but "nuttier than squirrel shit" made stuff come out my nose.

p.s. I am totally stealing this idea on my next birthday, don't be mad!

Ms Peculiar said...

Happy Birthday! Thanks for stopping by my blog...

I too am nuttier than squirril shit.

End of comment.

Weary Hag said...

Happy belated birthday HC! Hope you had the chance to rip it up a bit.

First time here and haven't had a chance to read more posts, but I'm bookmarking this one for sure.

Eighty-something comments and still going strong ... nice!

Thanks for stopping by my blog and leaving your mark. Muchly appreciated.

Fran said...

Awhhhhhh HAPPPPPPY BIRTHDAY BOOBOO!! Well, belated birthday...hope you enjoyed yourself. *xooxoxoxo*

saga said...

Happy Belated Birthday! I hope the party is still going on ;-)

MeCrazyMe said...

I heard through the grape vine that it's your birthday... Have a happy.....

Chele said...

89 wasn't good enough. Break a hundred on this one.

Folks are showing you MAD love, man!

Betty Crocker 2 said...

Happy Birthday

Soumyadip said...

Enjoy, you survived to be 32!!!

Dr. Strangejazz said...

I hope it's not too late to wish you Happy Birthday.

Oliviasmommi said...

Well, I already left one comment...but when I saw you were so close to 100, I decided I would leave you another to see if I could help push you over the hump! Hope all is well with you and yours...

IsLifeLame said...

Patiently awaiting the post on Bush and his complete incompetence over the New Orleans crisis. I'm trying to set up a freestyle battle in the street of N.O. I know you can make it but he's talking some shit about only wanting to go live via satellite from Air Force 1 as it does fly-bys over the city.

VAN007 said...

Happy Birthday HC!!!

Me said...

8 pounds 10 ounces?! Yo po momma. Happy Birthday, HC.

Oh and 96 comments is insane. Popular bastard. :)

*clicks "login and publish"*

97.

Kelly said...

Okay, now i'm starting to worry about you...

SunShyn said...

*slapping myself upside my head for not checking in with you on the 31st, please forgive me!*

ummmm why did I NOT know that our birthdays were the same? hmmmm?

To a fellow Virgo AND to one who shares this day with me, I really hope you were blessed with all of your wishes.

Here's to many more!

The Princess Herself said...

I just wanted to be 100.
Happy Birthday Honey!

Anonymous said...

Lucky me, I get to put you over the top!! Happy Birthday baby!!

Jess said...

Have a good one, Humanity. Your blog brightens up lots of my days, serious.

totolehero said...

MR. HUMANITY CRITIC... ARE YOU TOO WASTED TO BE POSTING??? WE KINDA MISS YOU HERE !!!!!

Indigo Blue said...

A HUNDRED AND THREE COMMENTS????????

HOLY SHIT!!!!!

Feel the love!!!!!

Maybe we should start a Humanity Critic fan club?!

Quel said...

Happy belated birthday. Gotta show love to my fellow Virgo.

kathi said...

Hey HC, hope you had a great BD. Hope you don't mind, but I used you...again. :) Thanks.

Brotha Buck said...

Happy B-day Critic! I'm votin' for ya.

David said...

Hello H.C.,
Thanks for your visit to my blog and your positive comment. Happy Birthday! :) Your 16 year old reminiscence brought back a few memories of my own. At age 15, I went through an egg tossing phase with a couple of fellow delinquents. We egged cars and houses in the middle of the night. Stupid us, we egged the same cars and houses repeatedly! I guess we had a problem telling people to their face that they sucked. Well, after being caught, I had to work all summer long to pay off my part of the damages. I am long since reformed from my partially misbegotten youth, but I will never forget that summer of our discontent!

Breez said...

Happy Belated Birthday!

G. Cornelius Harris said...

Happy BDay even though I'm late...I'm back though! I missed you man! Give me a holla...I'll keep you posted

Starla Spaulding said...

Happy Belated Birthday!!!

From your posts it sounds like the party memories are going to last quite awhile and how.

Mak said...

Ummm happy birthday dude. I don't know you and you don't know me but I am another Virgo of note who feels slightly snubbed by the selection committe (which was run ala American Idol style which is a program I absolutely LOATHE) that saw fit to give you a thousand black weblog awards and me none. I too am a sometimes arrogant, angry, fairly intelligent black man in his early 30's who didn't have much respect for Kanye until I was pleasantly surprised with his birthday gift to me. As I promised myself that who ever won the award categories I coveted, I will become a frequent reader of your blog and if shit gets out of line I will not be shy to hit the comment button (however I doubt that will ever be the case) I'll hit the comment button whenever you inspire me to do so as well. The frequency of that will remain to be seen. Please note that you are definitely not someone who was off of Mak's radar. I've known "about" you for some time, however when I heard about you it was in ego draining ways that MY arrogance never allowed me to further investigate. Well (sigh) I'm here now and that could be a good thing that could be a bad thing but it IS the thing. Congratualtions on steali.....er um WINNING all the joints I wanted to and good luck in the future (just not in next years awards) and have a great Birthday month (all true Virgos celebrate the entire month of September) Peace and God Bless New Orleans

Sankofa said...

Look Russell Crowe, don't get mad because your brand-new, fresh-from-the-box, wet-behind-the-ears, shitty pamper ass blog didn't get the nod from the Black Blog Awards. Now, Mak, I've read your stuff. I did enjoy your work, but damn...put some time in why don'tcha? When you have been posting for AT LEAST a year and have built a HEAVY following like my man HC here, then come back talking some shit. You didn't get snubbed (since clearly you didn't even get the "Best New Blog" award). Spike Lee's been snubbed. Susan Lucci's been snubbed. Hell, Little Richard's even been snubbed. You, my dear brother , were simply too young to buy the beer. So stop whining and gets ta writin'!

EJ Flavors said...

damn, man. Katrina's been kicking my ass. happy belated birthday!

Butta said...

Happy belated birthday, papi! Butta late than never (get it...Butta...better...oh never mind...LOL)! Hope your day was all that and a slab of ribs.

Deirdre said...

*Famous Virgos...Dee-Dee...wink!!*

*As she waves her hand to the roaring crowd..."thank you, thank you. Your so kind"*

I'm late as heck!! But better late then never...right?

Happy Belated One!!:)

Dee-Dee:)

Running2Ks said...

Late to the party, but Happy Birthday!

*junglefevAh* said...

happy birthday
virgos are cool motherfuckers