Tuesday, August 30, 2005

"Weird Science"

It seems like when you are younger, you have high expectations of what your future wife will be. You see her looking like a modern day Dorothy Dandrige, with the an intergalactic I.Q, and a sense of grace and style that can't be paralleled. But when you look in the mirror and see a 31 year old, single, and childless prick, the bar gets lowered somewhat. Lowered to the fact that the only qualifications for being the next Mrs. HumanityCritic would probably be having a functioning vagina, and not irritating the piss out of me on a regular basis. OK, maybe not that low, but you get the idea.

The other day the movie "Weird Science" came on, a movie where these two geeky High Schooler's create "the perfect woman" ala Frankenstein-style in their bedroom. Granted, if I was in the position of making the perfect woman when I was a teenager I would have actually had sex with her, not be like those two douche-bags and plan parties and shit, but I digress. But it got me to thinking, what if I had the ability to make the perfect woman? I mean, not based on physical appearance, but based on personality and other important aspects contributing to compatibility. That's not saying that I want a woman who looks like Biz Markie, I'm not going to bullshit you. But being that I have dated women who were gorgeous but were miserable motherfuckers on the inside, physical attributes aren't particularly high on my list. Not only that, but if I did a post based on me wanting a woman with "Jennifer Lopez' ass", and "Halle Berry's face", I feel that the women who read my blog would send me hate mail for days. Shit, women already have to deal with what "society's" perception of what beautiful is, making healthy 12 year old girls want to go on a fucking diet. That shit is nuts. Anyway, if I was constructing the perfect woman, in my eyes, these are a few of the attributes she would have.

Musical Tastes: There are certain things that I have no problem changing about myself. One day I hope to be less of an overall asshole, drink less, be less abrasive, shit like that. But one thing that I won't change is my feeling that, like John Cusack's character in "High Fidelity" says so eloquently, "Its not what you're like, it's what you like!" It might be wrong, but the certain movies and music you like says a lot about you. My future wife, whatever poor soul that may be, would hopefully like music that I like or music that I respect. For example, she doesn't have to like old school hip hop or R&B like I do, but if she preferred classical or if she was a huge jazz aficionado, that would be cool with me. But if she liked the Ying Yang Twins, thought that Jah Rule was the best rapper ever, played Toby Keith's greatest hits on a loop, or had P.Diddy on her Top Ten Greatest Rappers list, her ass who have to go. It sounds childish I know, but I'm being honest, because if I don't respect your choice in music then everything you say to me concerning music from that point forward would sound like Charlie Brown's fucking teacher."Whah-whah-Whah"

Political Views: When it comes to the political views of my future wife I'd rather her believe what I believe, or be A-political, not really caring much about politics. Some people think that two people of different political ideologies can co-exist happily, and if they can then I am truly happy for them. Not in my case, because the first time I hear my wife say some shit like, "We have to support Condi Rice" simply because she is a woman of color, hear her equate opposition to the war as "not supporting the troops" or some mindless drivel like that, I would seriously consider putting a hit out on her. Just kidding, kind of. I just feel that I am argumentative enough, I don't want our political beliefs to be another stressful situation in our marriage. Plus, I can see it now, my wife holding back sex from me simply because I said that "Bush was a goddamn idiot with the I.Q of a lawn-chair." Imagine that, me not getting Bush because of Bush.

Doesn't need a Nascar Pit Crew to get ready: Ladies, I understand that many of you need your make-up and other cosmetics to get ready. In no way am I against that in any form or fashion. What I am against, having been in the dating game for 16 years now, is women who need like five hours to get ready. While you are outside some women's bathroom door you can actually hear a pit-crew, changing tires and oiling her ass up, ala a Nascar Race. Worse than that, women who feel that they need to put on a shitload of make-up, their best Sunday dress, accompanied with the matching earrings and scarf, just to go 2 minutes down the road to the store to grab a carton of milk. What kind of shit is that?? I'm not asking you to throw on sweatpants and look like Courtney Love in the middle of a 3 day heroin binge, but give me a fucking break already!

Understands men idiosyncrasies: The first time I meet a woman who understands that me being quiet for a 5 minute time span in no way means something is wrong, I will offer them my hand in marriage. Can't a motherfucker just be silent?!! Someone who understands that I don't have to like her co-worker "Chuck" because I'm pretty sure that he secretly wants to fuck you, so excuse me if we don't hang out and throw back a few beers. I would want a woman that knows that I have every right to be an absolute asshole to her friend, especially since she tried to hook her up with her "baby daddy's" homeboy a few months back. Lastly, I know for a fact that my throat-chopping days will come to an end when I get married, I would do what I could to keep my lovely wife out of harms way. But, I hope she will understand that after I drop her off from us hanging out, that I will return to the club we were previously at and quickly beat the living shit out of the dude who disrespected her and I earlier that night. Hey, some habits are hard to break.

Keeps me in check: You can ask some of the women that I have been with, I can be somewhat of a handful. But earlier on I realized that if I had the ideal woman that one of her traits would be her ability to not let me get away with shit. Not saying that I need a babysitter(unless you wanted to role play. hee-hee) , just a woman that isn't a pushover when it comes to my daily dose of constant bullshit. From my diatribes about the declining state of Hip Hop, hatred of Black conservatives, and Kobe Bryant apologizing, the woman who has the unfortunate task of being my life-mate will have to deal with a lot.(God bless her soul)I think what I need is a woman that can tell me how full of shit I am, and even tell my black ass to "Shut the fuck up" sometimes. I kind of like a demanding woman, not in a "I'm a dominatrix and I'm about to beat your ass with this leather whip" kind of way, but in a "I am woman hear me roar" kind of way. Now that shit is sexy.

47 comments:

totolehero said...

here !!! i'm your woman HC... i knew it.. i know it...!!!!

totolehero said...

oh my lord.. i'm the first commenter on top of it... it must be a sign baby !!

totolehero said...

should i keep going ?? this is great ...

WIP said...

"I am woman hear me roar" I guess I'm sexy as all get out. . . .

chi said...

i just saw the picture and reminded me of the tv show they used to have on usa... i didn't know it was a movie...

i feel you on the 'quiet time'. sometimes i don't like to talk, just listen. but people don't understand..

anyways, keep writing.

Oliviasmommi said...

HC...I have a feeling you are going to have women fighting over you now...but I am sure you will not mind that one little bit!

Amadeo said...

How about a woman that understands the need for Sportscenter in a man's life.

Chele said...

*dodging the drawls being thrown in HC's direction*

You aren't as much of an ass as you think you are. Eventually, you'll run across a sweet woman with all the qualities it takes to tame the infamous HC: class, grace, tact...and a stun gun.

Paco said...

I agree with the statement that "Its not what you're like, it's what you like!"

Im always getting grief because if a guy I like dont like reggaeton (reggaeton means to me what old-school hiphop means to u) then thats a strike against him already. Dont mean I wont try to date you but eventually I will get tired that u dont get down to it same way I do.

And I COMPLETELY agree with you on the whole "keep me in check" thing. lol As a man that likes other fellow men, I like guys that wont let me walk all over them because Im a smart ass and can be as big a bitch as the rest of 'em... If you put me in my place early and keep it going... then we'll be good.

Men are dogs... im a man... i can be trained just like everybody else. :)

The Foxybrown Show said...

Aint nobody gonna beat my ass!

Bet the house on that!

See you on the show!

IsLifeLame said...

Dude, I would have put high self esteem/self confidence. That makes a lady sexy as hell, IMO. I just can't deal with a girl who isn't self confident.
But hey man, it's your blog. I'll have to do my own list.

lady in satin said...

You talk about women who are gorgeous but are shitty on the inside!?! Have you ever came across an ugly ass woman who was shitty on the inside, but thought she was God's gift to men?? Oh lawd...the type of friends that I attract...LOL

Echo said...

Sounds like Moi! Lol...Thanks for stopping by my spot.

Anonymous said...

That is a great post.(Throwing my panties at you.) lol

shelia

I am Jack said...

Dope post man, you come with the daily heat!

shinjyo said...

You really know how to write man, you are something else.

bec said...

The profanities aside, that was a really sweet post. Especially the part about how sad it was that 12 year old girls would be on a diet. Great stuff.

brooklyn babe said...

"Ike" if I was dating you, I could see already, I would have to CUT your ass (again). And you just got that other ear fixed....lol
Sorry. No can do!
-Tina! Over and Out!
Love ain't got nothing to do with it.

brooklyn babe said...

P.S.
I'd might even have to cut a hoe or two... too..lol. Just look at your stable....
Oh hell naw!
*jokes*

courtneyelizabeth said...

oh , i see...you want someone to throw you against the wall when you act up....*giggle*

PS> sign up at http://www.urbanweblogs.com

Johnnydanger said...

I'm just wondering, do people have a problem with reading comprehension? HC never condoned hitting women, the line where he said "first time I hear my wife say some shit like, "We have to support Condi Rice" simply because she is a woman of color, hear her equate opposition to the war as "not supporting the troops" or some mindless drivel like that, I would seriously consider putting a hit out on her." "Put a hit out on her_'hiring a hitman, not putting his hands on anyone. Lets just hope we don't see any more fucking "You won't beat my ass" comments!! jesus!

Gina said...

I'm still crying on the floor (in a good way) about needing a NASCAR team to get ready. The joke in my house (1 female living with 3 males) is that I'm the fastest in the shower because I don't stand in there wanking.

princessdominique said...

I believe there is someone for everyone and you my blogger friend are no different. Invite me to the wedding. I've definitely gotta see this :)

Kelly said...

lmao @ the Courtney Love thing. Pure genious (unlike my spelling, lol).

SP said...

Nice list. You are so right about the bar getting lowered the older we get. I find my self doing the same thing. And Amadeo is right about the Sportscenter thing. I am a huge Football and Basketball fan. For some reason I find guys that don't like sports. They never last too long.

S

Aneka said...

Nice post, and it made a lot of sense. but I can't help but wonder if you are sending out for the female readers of your blog to audition to be Mrs. HC.

lol

Thinkerbelle said...

That's funny. For a while there I thought it was me...

Crackpot Press said...

When I was 17 I had three things I needed..

Over 5'8" (Im 6'3 and want to look like I am on a date not baby sitting)
Beautiful Eyes
A working knowledge of Elvis Costello. (shows some smarts)

Sounds simple enough right?

Apparantly this is impossible. I can usually get 2 outta 3, but that third seems to make all the difference.

Everytime I have strayed from the basics... madness ensues.

Anonymous said...

There is only one thing that I took offense to. I don't like the fact that you would miss out on getting to know someone just based on their taste of music. I personally don't like Ying Yang Twins, or any of that garbage, but I wouldn't completely write someone off for liking them either. Their taste in music may not have anything to do with the type of person they are. I listen to reggae, that doesn't mean that I go clubbin and shake my ass here and there. IT's just my preference. I am still very educated and I can hold a very educated conversation. I know people who do listen to that garbage, and they are still wonderful people. They can pronounce words and they actually have something meaningful to say. While it's nice to have someone who shares your interests, it's ok to have someone who doesn't share all of them. You seem like a great catch, but don't lose the one who may just be the ONE over something as trivial as what kind of records they buy.

Jdid said...

you miss the point anon. music isnt trivial to my man here. he's not picking on trivial points music is serious ish to him. i relate to what he's saying. I couldnt really deal with someone who was down with ying yang either, hell my wife wanted me to buy nelly's album once and i was ready to sign the divorce papers lol

by the way HC how many marriage proposals you got now?

Nia said...

I must admit, I will take 5 minutes out of my day to get ready for a 2 minute trip. Keep in mind, I'm not one of those 10 pounds of makeup kind of chicks, but I just can't leave the house looking a pissy mess. #1 Because my mother scarred me by coming to my school 'any kind of way'. #2 Because everytime I walk two steps away from my door with rollers in my hair I see 10 people I know from my past with the "this bitch looks a mess" smile on their face.

And you're a handful? Get the f' outta here! ;-)

Danyel said...

SO NOT mad at this post. So much of it sounds familiar to me, too ... as in there are lots of guys who feel very similarly.

: )

Your girl is out there. And now that you've just about claimed her, look out! Get your mind right: she'll be along sooner than you can imagine.

DM said...

I don't care what anybody says, music is very important to a relationship. I stopped dating this guy becaue he told me Keith Sweat was his favorite singer...and I asked him, better than Stevie Wonder and Donny Hathaway and Marvin Gaye and Aretha...I didn't any any hollaback for him.

Kelly said...

Music should not be that important. My boyfriend is very passionate about music. He is a musician. He thinks some of the stuff I listen to is garbage, I think some of what he likes is garbage. So we agree when we're together to listen to things we both like. We live together, and it isn't affecting our relationship at all. Plus, if you love someone, stupid shit like musical differences doesn't matter.

Inside Man said...

Your going to have to scowl the Earth to find that women. See you next lifetime...........

melette said...

You are going to find a woman who understands you, HC. You just have to make sure she wants to stick around.

josie said...

wow, alot of people want to be hc's baby. anyhoo, my friends keep pointing out to me for the past two weeks that the one that does irritate you is the one you end up with. in some weird way.

ManNMotion said...

For the record I'm not throwing my name into the hat.

A woman keeping you in check...lol...whut???

Coley said...

I am not trying to be the 39th commenter coming up in this bitch talkin' about "I'm the one for you... or You're the one for me... or we're meant to be together" or whatever! But, I will say that I LOVED this post! And your expectations are not out of this world crazy... Whoever the future MRS. Humanity Critic is, will be a lucky lady! :~)

~Smooches, Coley

CaffeineDiva said...

You are completely full of shit!
But you knew that already...right?

CaffeineDiva said...

Seriously... good post.
I feel sorry for whomever thinks she could be your wife.

MsPerdie said...

Hmmmm. that's the kind of woman I am. But, putting up with the bullshit? Nah... I'm tired of putting up with nigga's bullshit. So, good luck to the woman who is your life mate. And thanks for stopping by.

alli-babe said...

I like this post...well actually, most of your post. MOST..lol Your hilarious...hope she has personality or at least be a therapist. :-)

Anonymous said...

Jdid, if you were willing to sign divorce papers over a Nelly Cd then you're nuts. IT's fine that music is important to him, but still it's trivial any way you look at it. That's like saying you'll drop a girl because she doesn't like to read and you do...so what? Although I do like to read...just thought I'd throw that in. Anyway, so what if she doesn't read...she may like to write instead.

kelli said...

The fact that your bitch ass stays anonymous and is probably somebody that is shielding their identity is horseshit. But anyway, I also believe that what you like is important when it comes to compatability, if somebody wants to get a Nelly CD then I could see that being an issue for somebody that finds music important to them. If it's not to you, then find, but in the meantime keep that shit moving!

Beauty said...

This post is funny. You've got a way with words man LMAOOO!! Me, I'm a silent Lioness. I'm the type of woman that doesn't seem to be the type to get mad at all! People often think I'm too nice to be wild until they test me. You know, some folks take your kindness for weakness, not saying you do, but a lot do. Then when I explode people think I'm crazy and are confused and destibilized cause they see a total diffent person. That's why the saying "never judge a book by it's cover" is the gospel truth.

Anonymous said...

Very well written & funny too.
Writing about ourselves is easier than actually telling someone..."Im an asshole with a sense of humour"! lol

Take it ezy.