It seems like when you are younger, you have high expectations of what your future wife will be. You see her looking like a modern day Dorothy Dandrige, with the an intergalactic I.Q, and a sense of grace and style that can't be paralleled. But when you look in the mirror and see a 31 year old, single, and childless prick, the bar gets lowered somewhat. Lowered to the fact that the only qualifications for being the next Mrs. HumanityCritic would probably be having a functioning vagina, and not irritating the piss out of me on a regular basis. OK, maybe not that low, but you get the idea.
The other day the movie "Weird Science" came on, a movie where these two geeky High Schooler's create "the perfect woman" ala Frankenstein-style in their bedroom. Granted, if I was in the position of making the perfect woman when I was a teenager I would have actually had sex with her, not be like those two douche-bags and plan parties and shit, but I digress. But it got me to thinking, what if I had the ability to make the perfect woman? I mean, not based on physical appearance, but based on personality and other important aspects contributing to compatibility. That's not saying that I want a woman who looks like Biz Markie, I'm not going to bullshit you. But being that I have dated women who were gorgeous but were miserable motherfuckers on the inside, physical attributes aren't particularly high on my list. Not only that, but if I did a post based on me wanting a woman with "Jennifer Lopez' ass", and "Halle Berry's face", I feel that the women who read my blog would send me hate mail for days. Shit, women already have to deal with what "society's" perception of what beautiful is, making healthy 12 year old girls want to go on a fucking diet. That shit is nuts. Anyway, if I was constructing the perfect woman, in my eyes, these are a few of the attributes she would have.
Musical Tastes: There are certain things that I have no problem changing about myself. One day I hope to be less of an overall asshole, drink less, be less abrasive, shit like that. But one thing that I won't change is my feeling that, like John Cusack's character in "High Fidelity" says so eloquently, "Its not what you're like, it's what you like!" It might be wrong, but the certain movies and music you like says a lot about you. My future wife, whatever poor soul that may be, would hopefully like music that I like or music that I respect. For example, she doesn't have to like old school hip hop or R&B like I do, but if she preferred classical or if she was a huge jazz aficionado, that would be cool with me. But if she liked the Ying Yang Twins, thought that Jah Rule was the best rapper ever, played Toby Keith's greatest hits on a loop, or had P.Diddy on her Top Ten Greatest Rappers list, her ass who have to go. It sounds childish I know, but I'm being honest, because if I don't respect your choice in music then everything you say to me concerning music from that point forward would sound like Charlie Brown's fucking teacher."Whah-whah-Whah"
Political Views: When it comes to the political views of my future wife I'd rather her believe what I believe, or be A-political, not really caring much about politics. Some people think that two people of different political ideologies can co-exist happily, and if they can then I am truly happy for them. Not in my case, because the first time I hear my wife say some shit like, "We have to support Condi Rice" simply because she is a woman of color, hear her equate opposition to the war as "not supporting the troops" or some mindless drivel like that, I would seriously consider putting a hit out on her. Just kidding, kind of. I just feel that I am argumentative enough, I don't want our political beliefs to be another stressful situation in our marriage. Plus, I can see it now, my wife holding back sex from me simply because I said that "Bush was a goddamn idiot with the I.Q of a lawn-chair." Imagine that, me not getting Bush because of Bush.
Doesn't need a Nascar Pit Crew to get ready: Ladies, I understand that many of you need your make-up and other cosmetics to get ready. In no way am I against that in any form or fashion. What I am against, having been in the dating game for 16 years now, is women who need like five hours to get ready. While you are outside some women's bathroom door you can actually hear a pit-crew, changing tires and oiling her ass up, ala a Nascar Race. Worse than that, women who feel that they need to put on a shitload of make-up, their best Sunday dress, accompanied with the matching earrings and scarf, just to go 2 minutes down the road to the store to grab a carton of milk. What kind of shit is that?? I'm not asking you to throw on sweatpants and look like Courtney Love in the middle of a 3 day heroin binge, but give me a fucking break already!
Understands men idiosyncrasies: The first time I meet a woman who understands that me being quiet for a 5 minute time span in no way means something is wrong, I will offer them my hand in marriage. Can't a motherfucker just be silent?!! Someone who understands that I don't have to like her co-worker "Chuck" because I'm pretty sure that he secretly wants to fuck you, so excuse me if we don't hang out and throw back a few beers. I would want a woman that knows that I have every right to be an absolute asshole to her friend, especially since she tried to hook her up with her "baby daddy's" homeboy a few months back. Lastly, I know for a fact that my throat-chopping days will come to an end when I get married, I would do what I could to keep my lovely wife out of harms way. But, I hope she will understand that after I drop her off from us hanging out, that I will return to the club we were previously at and quickly beat the living shit out of the dude who disrespected her and I earlier that night. Hey, some habits are hard to break.
Keeps me in check: You can ask some of the women that I have been with, I can be somewhat of a handful. But earlier on I realized that if I had the ideal woman that one of her traits would be her ability to not let me get away with shit. Not saying that I need a babysitter(unless you wanted to role play. hee-hee) , just a woman that isn't a pushover when it comes to my daily dose of constant bullshit. From my diatribes about the declining state of Hip Hop, hatred of Black conservatives, and Kobe Bryant apologizing, the woman who has the unfortunate task of being my life-mate will have to deal with a lot.(God bless her soul)I think what I need is a woman that can tell me how full of shit I am, and even tell my black ass to "Shut the fuck up" sometimes. I kind of like a demanding woman, not in a "I'm a dominatrix and I'm about to beat your ass with this leather whip" kind of way, but in a "I am woman hear me roar" kind of way. Now that shit is sexy.