Conquering Fears

The other day I was having a intense conversation with my therapist, um I mean, my buddy about something very interesting. Based on the fact that I have so many episodes of rage from the stories I talk to her about, and the fits of rage I document on my blog which she reads, she thought it would be therapeutic to talk about the things that I am scared of. At first, when she mentioned this, I couldn't think of anything I am scared of. See, like I have said before, I lack the ability to be scared of any person. Not trying to sound like a tough guy who can't be beat, I know I can get my ass kicked like anyone else, I have always lacked the ability to be scared of a person that's all. When I expressed this to her she gave me a "what are you an asshole look" look as she said, "You don't have any inanimate fears?? Come on HumanityCritic!" I got to thinking, so here are a few.

Heights: The sad thing about this fear is that it seems to be getting worse with age. Granted, if I have to get on a plane I will, I'm not that scary. But the first time I knew I had an issue with heights was in High School when I took my girlfriend to one of those local makeshift carnivals that comes to your town. Anyway, she had just seem me fight a kid in the cafeteria in her honor a few days before so in her eyes I was her "knight in shining armor" and shit. We get on this ride called "The Spider", where each compartment that you are in is suspended high off the ground, and it spins out of control. About 2 seconds into the ride I knew I was in trouble, trying to play it off as best as I can. Then I couldn't contain my fear any more, I started screaming like a woman in a slasher flick as I grasped my girlfriends arm as tightly as Lois Lane did when she flew with Superman. When the ride ended she gave me a look of disgust, as if she had just found out that I possessed female genitalia or something.

The most recent example of my fear of heights is when I was staying at some swanky hotel in Time Square. I thought that my biggest problem in New York City would be crazy drink prices and women who charge too much for the "services". I was surprised to find out that my arch nemesis would be a motherfucking elevator! I was staying on the 8th floor or something and I used the elevator to my room, no big deal. But when I went down in the elevator it freaked me out, beside the fact that it was entirely glass, but also because it flew downward with breakneck speed. I thought I was going to shit myself, plus it was embarrassing hyperventilating in front of supermodels because my black ass is afraid of heights.

Snakes: I think my fear of snakes was amplified when I was in grade school and a person from the local zoo brought one in. While the kids were petting this enormous snake, that reptilian motherfucker started bugging the fuck out and slithering like it was hopped up on crack or something. Most of the kids were reasonable, simply just running out of the room. Not me, I not only ran out of the room but I ran about 2 blocks down the street. To add insult to injury, I forcibly made my point known to the principle and my teacher that I wouldn't set foot back in that classroom until that animal trainer had left the premises. I was a strange kid.

Another episode where I faced my fear of snakes head on is when I "dated" a woman with a fucking python as a pet. Usually I would have never been caught dead in the house of anyone with that type of "pet", but when she had company over she kept it in a gigantic glass cage, and she had "2 scoops" that Baskin Robbins couldn't fuck with and she had a backside that you could put a drink on.(hey, I'm a guy..) One night while I was sleeping along side her I woke up briefly to find her snake slithering beside me. I was so scared, and knew that any sudden movements might mean my demise, so I managed to whisper in my her direction that her snake was loose in a why that told her, "I am pussy, hear me roar!" She gently got up, grabbed her python, put it back in it's cage and fell back asleep. Well my ass was still horrified, but to save any shred of dignity I went outside her house and hyperventilated until I threw up. If I ever meet any of you bloggers and I go off on some sort of "tough guy" rant, just simply say "Remember that time you threw up because of your fear of snakes?", that should shut my ass up immediately.

Clowns: I don't know if I'm scared of clowns or just extremely irritated. It's funny, because I had a friend who was horrified by snakes and I used to give him shit about it constantly. But something funny has happened over the past 3 years, whenever I see a clown I get irritated and downright testy.

I was at my friend's kids 4th birthday party. The kids were having a great time being entertained by a clown that my boy hired, as the adults are getting shitfaced off of Jamaican rum. The clown, after finishing his time with the kids, comes over to me and says "Would the Man who looks like Lennox Lewis like a balloon??" I reply, "What motherfucker? Beat it, get the fuck out of my face before I strangle you with those fucking balloons!" He walked away and that was that. A few minutes later he comes to me with a fake dreadlock wig, putting up his fists and mocking me by saying, "I have dreadlocks and I'm a tough-guy!!" I smile and try to compose myself and say, "Hey buddy, you're pushing it!!" He spends the next few minutes clowning me, and I wanted to beat up Grimace's homeboy in the worst way but the fact that kids were around prevented me from acting a fool. Until I noticed that the clown was leaving early, so I followed him to his car and tried to beat the clown nose off of that motherfucker. I should have just walked away, I knew that, but the mere fact that my friend said, "Look, HumanityCritic is whooping Ronald McDonald's ass!!" will always be the funniest thing in the world to me.

My brother's "hanging attire": My brother is 11 years my senior and I love the guy, no doubt about that. Also, what I am about to explain to you isn't exactly a "fear" but the sight of what I am about to explain to you guys actaully keeps me up some nights. My brother, whenever we stay in the same residence,(due to a family outing, etc) not only walks around with his shirt off but either walks around in his drawers, or some extremely tight short shorts. I couldn't tell you how many times I have told him, "Put some fucking clothes on before I kick you in the chest, no one wants to see that shit!!" But I would have been better off just staying silent, because he does it even more now based on me being critical of him. This one time I could have sworn that I actually saw one of his butt-cheeks because the shorts were so tight, fucking disgusting. I could understand if my brother was a flamboyant gay man, or one of Madonna's dancers or something, then maybe I could be more accepting of the fact he wears "nut huggers". I even bought him a shitload of sweat pants and baggy shorts and said, "Here, this is my gift to you. No one wants to see ANYTHING riding up your ass, do it again and I will choke-slam you motherfucker!" That's what I call brotherly love. Even typing this makes a brother nauseous, so let me stop now.

My Mother Leaving this Earth: This is extremely difficult to talk about, I would even guess that this is the hardest thing I have written about this far. My mother means the world to me and I love her so much. She not only has constantly believed in me from day one, but her advice has always been spot on. A guy couldn't have asked for a better mom, and the mere fact that she knows who De La Soul and Big Daddy Kane is should make her a candidate for mother of the century by far. When I think about the days when she won't be around any more it truly scares the shit out of me. Shit, I went on a 6 month alcohol induced suicide mission over a man that said "You ain't shit" constantly and crippled my self esteem for years to come, just imagine when I lose someone who has been an absolute Ray of light in my life. I think the reason for my bad relationships, beside me being an absolute asshole, is that my mother set the bar so high concerning women that it is hard for anyone to compare, which is unfair, I know. If you are reading this mom, I love you, I promise that I will try to walk away from fights, and the therapist you recommended me too is robbing me blind!!