For anyone who reads this blog will quickly find out, there are a few things that become obvious immediately.. That I download a criminal amount of porn, I have a strange hatred for Shaquille O'Neal, and I will always love true Hip Hop. In my opinion, it is a extremely hard time for people who cherish the golden age of Hip Hop, which to me was from 1988-1992.(Not to say that there wasn't any quality hip hop after that time period) The miserable quality of current Hip Hop even has me questioning current acts of today that I like, openly wondering if the artist is actually "good" or if I only like them because everything else is so extremely fucking horrible. Even more troubling is watching my friends who should know better, and seeing them be slowly brainwashed by the pathetic current state of Hip Hop as one of them asked me, "Did you get that new Mike Jones Cd?? It is tight!" Frustrated I said, "What!!?? No Motherfucker, I ain't buying that garbage! You have to be an asshole to ask me some bullshit like that!!" That tirade might have been alright if we were alone, but I said those obscenities in front of my friend's parents and his god fearing fiance at his cookout. What can I say, I am passionate about Hip Hop.(Sorry mike) Right when I was about to go postal and absolutely lose my mind, my sanity was restored, albeit momentarily, when I discovered that there was going to be a old school rap concert this past Sunday.
The headliners of this concert were going to be no other than Slick Rick and Kool G Rap, two individuals who are listed on my "greatest MC's of all time" list. Being that old school shows nowadays are few and far between, I wanted to do something special. I thought about wearing a Slick Rick shirt that I had, but I remembered how corny it seemed when I saw people wearing a t-shirt of the artist that was performing. I thought about wearing the gold fronts that I had purchased a few years back, but then I thought about all the assholes I despise in current Hip Hop videos who constantly flash their teeth like modern day minstrel show performers. I thought about wearing this thick gold chain that I had, but I remembered that I only had it because I snatched it off this dude's neck who tried to steal my jacket when I was in High school. I figured wearing it would be bad karma, why in the fuck did I still have it anyway? I decided not to make a fashion statement and just go and have a good time.
When I arrive there I notice that the parking lot is full, which made me feel good that people were supporting real Hip Hop. I get to the line, which isn't moving, and there has to be like 20 bouncers outside. Apparently they were disgruntled over an incident that happened prior to my arrival, so they were hyped up. I immediately thought about a joke that comedian Ron White told where he felt that bouncers take their job too seriously, and probably masturbate to "Roadhouse" when they are in the privacy of their own home. These guys definitely fit that profile. The line wasn't moving, so I sat there listening to the asinine conversations of the bouncers and the people who were in line with me. One of the bouncers said to the other, "Kobe Bryant isn't even a top twenty player any more He sucks!! ". My dumb ass says the following, "Shovel that horseshit(Belle's saying), people hate Kobe so suddenly their sports I.Q goes in the toilet. He is still a premiere player, no matter what you personally think about him you fucking peasant!!" That proved to be a mistake on my part, because when I got to the front of the line I received one of the most aggressive frisks I have ever had. After he was done I said, "You could have at least held me after you were done. I felt like I was in a shower scene on the show "Oz".
As I enter the establishment, and pay 10 dollars more than the price was advertised at, I noticed that the place wasn't packed at all. It was actually kind of sparse, so I chalked it up to "still being early" so I went to the bar to get a drink. As I am downing my rum and coke, this guy comes up to me and says, "What's up HumanityCritic!!" I looked at him but had no fucking idea who this guy was, he had a thick beard and a few piercings in his face. He said, "It's Lonnie you asshole!!" I said, "Ohh, what's up man?? What is the deal with the piercings and the grizzly Adams beard?" He said, "People kept saying that I looked like Jude Law, so I decided I would change a bit." I almost spilled my drink in disgust and said, "You happened to look like a dude that millions of women want to fuck and you want to change how you look? What kind of asshole are you?!! If people said that I look like Denzel(which i don't), my black ass would learn to mimic how he talks and even learn dialogue from "Ricochet" or "John Q" and shit!" He gave me a weird look and said, "I never thought about that", which made me want to end that conversation immediately.
A couple of drinks and a few boring opening acts later, a girl that I have known off and on for 15 years named Christy comes up to me. Christy is fine, and usually I would want to penetrate every orifice imaginable on a woman looking that delicious, but.. Well, lets just say that Christy is sexually adventurous, fuck it she's a whore. Ladies, I know that men throw that term around loosely, misusing it and demeaning women who don't deserve that title. So I ask you, Ladies, would I be in my natural right to use that term concerning Christy due to a few factors? 1. I know at least 30 people personally that have slept with her. 2.She was in a amateur porn flick where she was with 2 guys and a girl. 3. When she was hard up for cash she called me up and offered to give me a piece of her for payment.(Which I responded, "That's like you charging for air, cats are getting that shit for free anyway.) 4. I saw her one night and she wanted to be with me and my friends, I declined but my friends didn't. They all happened to end up in the free clinic by the way. Anyway, we talked for a few minutes and then she gave me an extremely long hug. Not to be mean but I suddenly felt the urge to take a shower as I saw her walk away. You know how the Charlie Brown character "Pig Pen" always had a dirt cloud following him around? Well, I thought I saw that same cloud hovering around her crotch, but maybe that was the liquor talking.
Kool G Rap finally comes on stage and proceeded to rip it in the same way he did when I saw him during the summer of 1989. He did "Road to the Riches", "Ill Street Blues", his verse in "The Symphony", and a few of his other hits. I felt like a kid again as I was in the front row, mouthing the words from his songs verbatim. He put on a good show, but I was disappointed in one fact though. He didn't do his song "Talk Like sex". You have to understand that I love that song, not only because it is a good song, but for one line in it that I have drunkenly repeated to a shitload of girls that I have known. The line goes, "I'll bust a nut, get up, and wipe my d*ck on your curtain!" Pure poetry, that's what I say. Plus, the pure horror on the faces of women I told that too is priceless, since they didn't know I was quoting a song.
Next up was Slick Rick, the master story-teller himself. He came on the stage with a platinum studded eye-patch, a pink shirt, and matching pink shell-toe Adidas. Of course he was wearing about 100 thousand dollars worth of platinum jewelery around his neck. One thing I noticed about him, as he rapped, was that he still had that "I'm better than you, deal with it motherfucker" swagger about him and I love that shit man. He did "Ladi-Dadi", "Children's Story", "Teenage Love", "Hey Young World", and various other classics. As I rocked out in the crowd, occasionally I would look at the people in attendance and feel good that there were actually people who liked real Hip Hop like I do. I felt good man, I felt good like a guy in the AA meeting who expresses embarrassing things that he did while he was drunk, only to find out that there are other people in that meeting who had done the same thing. I felt good like the time after I had just witnessed my father die and I went to a convenience store to buy a beer. For some reason I started sobbing while I was in line and the checkout lady came around the counter and gave me a five minute hug of consolement. It felt good like that.
As Slick Rick left the stage I was a bit disappointed that he didn't do the song "The Moment I feared", because it was the bravest song by any MC ever. Let me explain, in the song he tells a story of betrayal, drugs, and murder. At the end of the song he gets caught and says the following, "Now I'm doing life in the Pen and I'm Scared/Some kid snuffed me cold and greased me where no one dared!" What rapper do you know would talk about getting anally raped on record, albeit fictitiously? Pink shirt, Pink Adidas, getting sexually assaulted in prison, that takes a tremendous amount of sack and a guy secure in his heterosexuality in my opinion. But I guess it could be troubling that I just talked about my favorite lines being about wiping body fluids on a curtain and being man-raped. But then again, you fuckers knew what you were getting into when you read this blog!!!
After I talked to my friend Rachel, cursed out a bartender who tried to overcharge me, and tried to show love to a local DJ that I respected but probably coming off as a dude who had a man crush, I left and headed to my car. I must have looked drunk because a cop in the parking lot said, "I know you aren't driving home", then I replied "Hell no Serpico!"(Al Pacino, 70's cop movie reference) and proceeded to sit at a nearby park bench for that cop to stop eyeballing me. As I sat there, I thought about a few things. 1. That I love Hip Hop 2.That Hip Hop will never die, as much as new rappers try to poison her and 3: I really need to take a shower immediately, being that "3 alarm" Christy hugged me. Yuck