Tuesday, July 26, 2005

Sunday I went to a Old School Hip Hop Show

For anyone who reads this blog will quickly find out, there are a few things that become obvious immediately.. That I download a criminal amount of porn, I have a strange hatred for Shaquille O'Neal, and I will always love true Hip Hop. In my opinion, it is a extremely hard time for people who cherish the golden age of Hip Hop, which to me was from 1988-1992.(Not to say that there wasn't any quality hip hop after that time period) The miserable quality of current Hip Hop even has me questioning current acts of today that I like, openly wondering if the artist is actually "good" or if I only like them because everything else is so extremely fucking horrible. Even more troubling is watching my friends who should know better, and seeing them be slowly brainwashed by the pathetic current state of Hip Hop as one of them asked me, "Did you get that new Mike Jones Cd?? It is tight!" Frustrated I said, "What!!?? No Motherfucker, I ain't buying that garbage! You have to be an asshole to ask me some bullshit like that!!" That tirade might have been alright if we were alone, but I said those obscenities in front of my friend's parents and his god fearing fiance at his cookout. What can I say, I am passionate about Hip Hop.(Sorry mike) Right when I was about to go postal and absolutely lose my mind, my sanity was restored, albeit momentarily, when I discovered that there was going to be a old school rap concert this past Sunday.

The headliners of this concert were going to be no other than Slick Rick and Kool G Rap, two individuals who are listed on my "greatest MC's of all time" list. Being that old school shows nowadays are few and far between, I wanted to do something special. I thought about wearing a Slick Rick shirt that I had, but I remembered how corny it seemed when I saw people wearing a t-shirt of the artist that was performing. I thought about wearing the gold fronts that I had purchased a few years back, but then I thought about all the assholes I despise in current Hip Hop videos who constantly flash their teeth like modern day minstrel show performers. I thought about wearing this thick gold chain that I had, but I remembered that I only had it because I snatched it off this dude's neck who tried to steal my jacket when I was in High school. I figured wearing it would be bad karma, why in the fuck did I still have it anyway? I decided not to make a fashion statement and just go and have a good time.

When I arrive there I notice that the parking lot is full, which made me feel good that people were supporting real Hip Hop. I get to the line, which isn't moving, and there has to be like 20 bouncers outside. Apparently they were disgruntled over an incident that happened prior to my arrival, so they were hyped up. I immediately thought about a joke that comedian Ron White told where he felt that bouncers take their job too seriously, and probably masturbate to "Roadhouse" when they are in the privacy of their own home. These guys definitely fit that profile. The line wasn't moving, so I sat there listening to the asinine conversations of the bouncers and the people who were in line with me. One of the bouncers said to the other, "Kobe Bryant isn't even a top twenty player any more He sucks!! ". My dumb ass says the following, "Shovel that horseshit(Belle's saying), people hate Kobe so suddenly their sports I.Q goes in the toilet. He is still a premiere player, no matter what you personally think about him you fucking peasant!!" That proved to be a mistake on my part, because when I got to the front of the line I received one of the most aggressive frisks I have ever had. After he was done I said, "You could have at least held me after you were done. I felt like I was in a shower scene on the show "Oz".

As I enter the establishment, and pay 10 dollars more than the price was advertised at, I noticed that the place wasn't packed at all. It was actually kind of sparse, so I chalked it up to "still being early" so I went to the bar to get a drink. As I am downing my rum and coke, this guy comes up to me and says, "What's up HumanityCritic!!" I looked at him but had no fucking idea who this guy was, he had a thick beard and a few piercings in his face. He said, "It's Lonnie you asshole!!" I said, "Ohh, what's up man?? What is the deal with the piercings and the grizzly Adams beard?" He said, "People kept saying that I looked like Jude Law, so I decided I would change a bit." I almost spilled my drink in disgust and said, "You happened to look like a dude that millions of women want to fuck and you want to change how you look? What kind of asshole are you?!! If people said that I look like Denzel(which i don't), my black ass would learn to mimic how he talks and even learn dialogue from "Ricochet" or "John Q" and shit!" He gave me a weird look and said, "I never thought about that", which made me want to end that conversation immediately.

A couple of drinks and a few boring opening acts later, a girl that I have known off and on for 15 years named Christy comes up to me. Christy is fine, and usually I would want to penetrate every orifice imaginable on a woman looking that delicious, but.. Well, lets just say that Christy is sexually adventurous, fuck it she's a whore. Ladies, I know that men throw that term around loosely, misusing it and demeaning women who don't deserve that title. So I ask you, Ladies, would I be in my natural right to use that term concerning Christy due to a few factors? 1. I know at least 30 people personally that have slept with her. 2.She was in a amateur porn flick where she was with 2 guys and a girl. 3. When she was hard up for cash she called me up and offered to give me a piece of her for payment.(Which I responded, "That's like you charging for air, cats are getting that shit for free anyway.) 4. I saw her one night and she wanted to be with me and my friends, I declined but my friends didn't. They all happened to end up in the free clinic by the way. Anyway, we talked for a few minutes and then she gave me an extremely long hug. Not to be mean but I suddenly felt the urge to take a shower as I saw her walk away. You know how the Charlie Brown character "Pig Pen" always had a dirt cloud following him around? Well, I thought I saw that same cloud hovering around her crotch, but maybe that was the liquor talking.

Kool G Rap finally comes on stage and proceeded to rip it in the same way he did when I saw him during the summer of 1989. He did "Road to the Riches", "Ill Street Blues", his verse in "The Symphony", and a few of his other hits. I felt like a kid again as I was in the front row, mouthing the words from his songs verbatim. He put on a good show, but I was disappointed in one fact though. He didn't do his song "Talk Like sex". You have to understand that I love that song, not only because it is a good song, but for one line in it that I have drunkenly repeated to a shitload of girls that I have known. The line goes, "I'll bust a nut, get up, and wipe my d*ck on your curtain!" Pure poetry, that's what I say. Plus, the pure horror on the faces of women I told that too is priceless, since they didn't know I was quoting a song.

Next up was Slick Rick, the master story-teller himself. He came on the stage with a platinum studded eye-patch, a pink shirt, and matching pink shell-toe Adidas. Of course he was wearing about 100 thousand dollars worth of platinum jewelery around his neck. One thing I noticed about him, as he rapped, was that he still had that "I'm better than you, deal with it motherfucker" swagger about him and I love that shit man. He did "Ladi-Dadi", "Children's Story", "Teenage Love", "Hey Young World", and various other classics. As I rocked out in the crowd, occasionally I would look at the people in attendance and feel good that there were actually people who liked real Hip Hop like I do. I felt good man, I felt good like a guy in the AA meeting who expresses embarrassing things that he did while he was drunk, only to find out that there are other people in that meeting who had done the same thing. I felt good like the time after I had just witnessed my father die and I went to a convenience store to buy a beer. For some reason I started sobbing while I was in line and the checkout lady came around the counter and gave me a five minute hug of consolement. It felt good like that.

As Slick Rick left the stage I was a bit disappointed that he didn't do the song "The Moment I feared", because it was the bravest song by any MC ever. Let me explain, in the song he tells a story of betrayal, drugs, and murder. At the end of the song he gets caught and says the following, "Now I'm doing life in the Pen and I'm Scared/Some kid snuffed me cold and greased me where no one dared!" What rapper do you know would talk about getting anally raped on record, albeit fictitiously? Pink shirt, Pink Adidas, getting sexually assaulted in prison, that takes a tremendous amount of sack and a guy secure in his heterosexuality in my opinion. But I guess it could be troubling that I just talked about my favorite lines being about wiping body fluids on a curtain and being man-raped. But then again, you fuckers knew what you were getting into when you read this blog!!!

After I talked to my friend Rachel, cursed out a bartender who tried to overcharge me, and tried to show love to a local DJ that I respected but probably coming off as a dude who had a man crush, I left and headed to my car. I must have looked drunk because a cop in the parking lot said, "I know you aren't driving home", then I replied "Hell no Serpico!"(Al Pacino, 70's cop movie reference) and proceeded to sit at a nearby park bench for that cop to stop eyeballing me. As I sat there, I thought about a few things. 1. That I love Hip Hop 2.That Hip Hop will never die, as much as new rappers try to poison her and 3: I really need to take a shower immediately, being that "3 alarm" Christy hugged me. Yuck

36 comments:

lala_bird said...

Nice! LMAO @ the Kool G Rap song... i'd have like to be a fly on the wall when you quoted that one.

Love your blog!

Rome said...

who was the DJ? DJ Bee?

I got wild (free) porn connects if you are the pay-for-smut type.

I'm coming down the 757 in a few weeks and want to find some skate spots besides downtown norfolk. I heard downtown newport news is alright.

Amadeo said...

I think 1996 was on of the last really good years...I know your feeling having caught Tribe and Biz Markie this weekend. People hate me when I say this but, Big Pun was like a child of Kool G Rap...

Belle said...

I hope you said "shovel that horseshit" with the proper Kentucky accent.

Can you put that wipe your d*ck line to rest now?

ManNMotion said...

Currently playing in my car:

All victims unidentified, so check it
You gotta see who was the sucker from the dental record
What I use to torture liars:
Either fire, barbed wire, live wire, or pliers
So you thought you could last?
Go and get a green thumb because your ass is grass
Eric B.'s the undertaker
His pockets swoll because he's rolling in more dough than a baker
Quiet type, but I won't have it
Cause when I swing with the boys I get noisy like traffic
So if you know what I know, see what I see
G Rap is down with a mafioso posse
And I'm quick to go stick other suckers
With a smile just like a sick motherfucker
A bullet inside the sucker's guts and
Hit butt and his nuts and we throw him in the Hudson
This is for all the non-believers
They receive a gash in their ass from a meat cleaver
Don't even try to get fast
You know the time cause I'm 5 seconds off your ass
A nightmare leaving you suckers breathless
You stepping to Kool G Rap and that's a death wish

Joey said...

Fuck a Mike Jones. Who?!

totolehero said...

christy is definitely a whore !

E_1979 said...

Hmmm... This is generation X in all of it's glory .... I now understand how it is that people from the 50's drive around in those old classic cars..bumping that ungodly muisc rolling down the street... like they are the shit........... I guess everygeneration has it's Trap.... and no doubt this golden era of hiphop you love so much will be like those guys from the fifties...... and todays kids will be dropping it like it is hot .... for years to come....... I have always been the outcast........so I have no era to be proud of..... good post as always

Nikki said...

*cringes at the mere mention of Mike Jones' name*

Cosmorok said...

That sounded like an amazing show, unfortunately up in Canada, Toronto is one of the only places old school emcees come. Alot of times we call that city the "old rapper's graveyard".

Materiyal said...

Are you serious!!!???
U are totally hilarious I have just added you to my daily reads...
Ur blog is fresh like now-a laters
P.s
U prolly are going to Black August huh?

Jdid said...

for some reason i really like g raps verse in symphony II which isnt that great a song but ill street blues is my favorite g rap moment.

**RPM** said...

I concur with points one and two specifically...

BLESSD1 said...

Dude...I love the damn post. "3 alarm" Christy....you are horrible. LOL! Man...Old School Hip Hop makes me wish that, "Who is Mike Jones" is a question that was never answered. I agree w/Amadeo; though I love Pun, I KNOW what he was listening to when he developed his style. Kool G might be entitled to some royalties from that. Viva the Old School!

Don Tate II said...

Im embarrassed to admit, I can't name one Slick Rick tune. I'm square, I know.

Breez said...

Few things in life can beat good music.

melette said...

Good post. I saw Slick Rick and Doug E. Fresh in concert sometime back. It was wonderful.

2hot2handle said...

U had me rolling!!

Jameel said...

HumanityCritic: I've been reading your blog for about a month now, and enjoying it thoroughly. I feel like this is an appropriate post to let you know about this hip hop artist from Toronto named K'naan. He was born and raised in Somalia, but left just before the civil strife in the early 90s. Spent some time in Harlem, and eventually settled in Toronto.

Anyway, point is, much like you I spend a lot of my energy criticizing the state of hip hop today. But this kid just blew my mind. The lyrics he spits are just nuts, and he fuses it with beats that are a mix of Somalia and a sampling hommage to the hip hop greats. His album just came out a couple of weeks ago, and I think it's kinda expensive in the states (I saw it was $23 on amazon), but I'm begging you to give this kid a shot, and tell me what you think. http://www.thedustyfoot.com
It's like a whole new genre -- better than any act over the last decade guaranteed. I'll give you my money back guarantee! hah...

-Jameel

Tazzee said...

add a couple of years on the front end and I'm with you on the true Hip Hop era (1986 - 1992). And yes, Christy is a whore.

piranha said...

www.fuckforforest.com

ps. i definetely think that there is something bitchy about that girl. however, i still don t know what makes actually the difference between a girl like that and a guy whore. of course, asking for money is like writing 'whore' on your forehead, but in general...women, who sleep with lots of guys....and guys doing the same. there IS a difference and I don t know why and which...

princessdominique said...

Okay, I'm crying laughing over here! Serpico? Of all things on earth you could have said! Don't get yourself SHOT!

brooklyn babe said...

Okay... I soooo have to read your post in its entirety, when I'm bright eyed... right now, I just going to echo your 1988-1992 hip hop golden era piece... I just downloaded, "Latoya" from Just-I
That use to be the sh_t.
Happy porn hunting!

d.K. said...

Hey Humanity Critic.
I did not leave a msg on your blog. A troll did. He just selects "other" below, and types my site in.
He has done that with, oh, 20 sites tonight. I would never disrespect someone. Please checkout my post (that you commented on). Pls read it, it warns about what the troll is doing. Sorry he harrassed man. That's not me.

CousinSarah said...

So, aside from what appears to be a slight hostility towards women.. :) We could hang out. I am an OLD SCHOOL hip hop head. Eric B and Rakim are among some of my favorites. I would slap an old lady in the street to see a Tribe concert. I agree. I talked with a friend today who I consider a very socially conscious, part of the movement kinda guy who told me he thought "trapped in the closet" was creative. While that is R&B, I was shocked. Saddened. So, I feel you on the people who seem to be losin they minds. AND living in Texas, they love some Mike Jones, Ying Yang what the crap people repeating the same shyt that NO ONE can understand what they are saying and when you can, you often wish you couldnt. Man, Pete Rock, Old Busta, Old Meth...Bring the Pain was awesome. Public of COURSE. Yes, where have we gone. If it werent for Talib, Common (LOVED COMMON SENSE), and Mos Def (although his last cd disappointed me) I would be dyin right now. Jealous you got to peep the show, glad there are folks holdin down tribute and prayin for a comeback. :)

Butta said...

Comedy just seems to follow you around. LOL Sounds like this was a slammin' (had to flex my old school slang) show. You're not the only one who misses the good old days of hip hop.

Soulfire said...

Thank you for you comment and after reading yours.... damn!....it means so much more.

But I can't believe that you like the flashy, solo dunk-but-misses-it-cuz-he's-trying-to-look-too-cool, Kobe.

Zeezy4Sheezy said...

I keep saying this all the time. Stop letting your hate for Kobe Bryant cloud your judgement. He is still the best perimeter player in the league bar none. Lebron said it best in Hoops Magazine "He is the Shaq of the perimeter."

m said...

lol @ Pigpen cloud...

for real, though, i'm with you on the decay of modern Hip Hop. i really do miss the old school stuff, gold chain requirement notwithstanding.

i'm currently working with a guy who really isn't as good as he thinks he is, and some of the people he 'features' on his recordings make him look real dumb - i just don't know how to tell him that...

*sigh*

i guess i better before we have another mike jones on our hands...

Brother OMi said...

wish i was there so i could have been apart of the entry

yeah Dj Bee was there. i got the whole scoop

call me dude,
also KRS One is coming to town august 28th.... see you there?

Brando said...

HC, that was a great post. Nice Ricochet reference, an overlooked little gem of guilty pleasure.

Totally understood what you were talking about feeling it at a show like this...although being white as Wonder Bread, you'd have to replace Kool G with Rush and cool old-school rap fans with dorky progressive rock nerds. But fun all the same.

Great blog.

gonebabygone said...

Sounds like you had a good time.

and yes, that would be a whore. Some people just deserve that distinction.

Anonymous said...

Change the sheets? You must be kiddin! You gotta change the whole boxspring, I ain't bullshittin!

Inside Man said...

Can it be that it was all so simple then?? I miss real hip hop like I miss playing kick ball or freeze tag. Remember back in the day when you used to stay up late and record your favorite radio mix on cassettes every Friday and Saturday night? Priceless.........

Me said...

Common, De La, Black Sheep, and The Roots were in town yesterday. I've seen them all in concert before... *sigh* ahhh, Hip Hop, how I love thee. I was gonna go last night, but I was having a piss-poor day.

Brooklyn Zoo said...

That's some funny sh*t, Homey.

But YO, be careful w/ the drinking & driving!

~~ BKNY ~~

Dave Masucci - dj I, Storm
http://www.myspace.com/i_storm
http://www.myspace.com/itgirlband
http://www.myspace.com/abfeaturingistorm