Monday, December 26, 2005

Sports Corner: Wanting to bludgeon Kobe haters to death with a pillowcase full of sodas..

Even though I have done my best to curb my violent behavior of the past few years, I still feel that some people just flat out need their ass whipped. The disgruntled guy who came to my house to tell me to stop "fucking his girlfriend" needed to desperately get his ass beat, he soon realized that a baseball bat can be used for more than bunting and grand slam home runs. The two women who thought it was hilarious that they torment a very heartbroken friend of mine, being that their home-girl left him for another man, those harlots needed their ass beaten. Granted, I'm a man and would never physically assault a woman, but they found out quickly that there isn't a rule against a man pouring the contents of two full pitchers of beer on their heads. Or like the guy who was upset at me because he didn't appreciate the way I was fouling him, getting in my face like he was going to beat my ass. Well, 2 minutes and a debilitating throat-chop later he learned that some people don't take too kindly to being threatened.

Lately, I feel that most Kobe haters need their ass beaten too. OK, if you had a dislike for Kobe before the rape allegations then you aren't included in my wrath, but the rest of you fuckers can clearly get beaten with a pillowcase full of sodas. I feel that way because, similar to the way Bush had many Americans duped that he would be a better leader than John Kerry, many of you have fell for an all out smear campaign to make Kobe Bryant seem like the most vile individual on the planet. I just feel, and this is my opinion, that the widespread venom about Kobe wouldn't have been so fierce if he was accused of raping a black woman, that simple. This has given birth to the millions of douche-bags who claim to hate Kobe for legitimate reasons, not actually realizing that they are just lemmings in human form.

But like a mime with turrets, I'm surprised at some of the shit that comes out of the mouths of these unenlightened bottom feeding Kobe haters. Instead of debunking some of these miscreants' complaints with a long question and answer session, I will just give answers. Here goes: "He isn't the owner so he doesn't make executive decisions, hey Ray Lewis was accused of killing two motherfuckers, Jordan wasn't a ball hog?, Shaq ran Van Gundy out of Miami-thoughts?, Shaq hasn't won a title without Kobe either, are you actually using his fidelity as an argument?, Kobe was never considered to be "street-wise". OK, that was easy, but then again consider who I'm dealing with here. The countless black folks that have fallen victim to this brainwashing baffle me most of all. I mean, for a race of people who can forgive a crack smoking Mayor, a pop Icon who thinks sleep-overs with toddlers is "acceptable", an R&B star who not only fucks underage chicks but uses them as a urinal, and a NFL Hall of Famer accused of murdering two people who had turned his back on the black community years ago, you some how find Kobe Bryant the epitome of evil and unforgivable?? Fuck you!!!

Last week Kobe Bryant dropped an effortless 62 points on the Dallas Mavericks without even playing the fourth quarter. When Jerry Buss said that he would have traded Shaq 100 out of 100 times if he had the chance, the man spoke the absolute gospel. You have Bryant, who like a vintage wine seems to get better as the years go on, and then you have Shaq, who is admittedly one of the best centers to play the game(based mostly on his size), but is a couple of buffets and years from the goddamned glue factory. Not only that, Kobe Bryant has taken the high road concerning his relationship or lack thereof, with Shaquille over that past couple of years. But what has Shaq done, acted like a little girl with a skinned knee, not only exposing his skirt and the fact that he is a monosyllabic monstrous whining malcontent, he has kept the "feud" going with Kobe like the 7 foot bad free throw shooting vagina that he is.

So if you have legitimate reason to hate Mr. Bryant then I respect that, but don't come with that bullshit because I don't have a problem with beating you with a motherfucking pillowcase full of sodas.

26 comments:

trixie_star said...

hilarious. i hated kobe before the rape allegations. i thought he was a p*ssy. knowing that he bent chicks over chairs and told them to "take that, take that" actually put him in a better light...just IMHO. if i had a blog roll, you'd be on it.

Edz said...

I'm such a big fan of Kobe. Seriously there is no good reason to hate the dude. He is such a fine basketball player. you got to respect that.

Supa said...

HC - Kobe can ball, but he's still a punk! That is all.

chele said...

Get the pillowcase ready: No doubt Kobe is an exceptional ball player and the media would not have hyped up his situation had he assaulted a Black woman (or if he had married one), but I feel the same way about him as I do Marion Berry, Michael Jackson, R. Kelly and OJ Simpson ... they can all kiss my ass.

I am Jack said...

I feel you on this.. Shaq is a blubbering vagina, and that's all I'll say about that..

afrobaggins said...

No doubt, he didn't kill, smoke crack(videotaped by the way), molest, or molest people then use them as a toilet.. Kobe shouldn't be in the sam,e category as those individuals..

Brother OMi said...

two more reasons NOT to watch the NBA. all of them are a bunch of whiners , spoiled ones at that.
MJ, Berry, R Kelly and OJ can all get the gas face too.

Joey said...

For the record: I've hated Kobe forever. The rape situation just confirmed what I had already thought.

August said...

CRITIC! I missed you. This was hilarious and people keep coming by my cube asking me what I'm doing. You are too funny man.

I never liked Kobe much, I had enough of arrogant self-entitled men in college, but I will say that his situation made me appreciate the poise that he maintains (albeit he's a snot). On the flipside... Shaq has always been a jerk in my opinion and you will be surprised how slow and injury-prone big fraternity boys become over time.

Amadeo said...

I'm pretty indifferent to Kobe...he's just coming into the "bad guy role". I was busy championing A.I. to notice. The thing I didn't like about Kobe was dropping Shaq's name to the Cops. You don't do that to another black man.

kev fan said...

For the record, I have always been a Kobe fan. The rape allegations just strengthed my hatred for the criminal system. What!

Brando said...

Ah, hell, here comes the Diet Pepsi blow to the head...

I really, really don't like Kobe, and didn't like him before the rape accusation. He's a great player who seems like he gives a rat's ass about the rest of his team. I admire someone like Iverson a lot more because he plays hard all of the time. Jordan could be a huge prick but he also had a sense of humor.

However, for the record, I also think it was crazy that Steve Nash won the MVP. Had he been black there's no way he would have gotten that award.

I am Jack said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
I am Jack said...

I really never understood how Iverson is perceived to be more of a "team player" than Kobe when he doesn't make anyone arond him better, has taken more bad shots than any player than I can think of immediately, and doesn't have 3 rings like Kobe. Yeah Kobe had Shaq, but I refuse to think that a guy who isn't about team could win any rings, even if Jesus played power forward.

Sarah said...

Yeah, regardless of the handful of people who objected to your point by saying, "I don't like those other black folks either", the fact that my people generally forgive unforgivable actions by black celebrites is an obvious truth.(Regardless how much people deny it) Great post!!

Will said...

"the fact that my people generally forgive unforgivable actions by black celebrites is an obvious truth.(Regardless how much people deny it"

Whoa! Slow the hate train down a little. "Our" people also forgave Ted Kennedy, Richard Nixon, Bush Jr., and countless other whitey mcwhites. Who's says it's our place to forgive shit anyway?

I hardly think ball-hogging, infidelity, and general doucheyness are unforgivable crimes. I never liked Kobe either, but he's not exactly top of the evil list.

And we forgive AI for the same things because he's just a cool motherfucker, and he never presented himself as anything other than who he is.

I am Jack said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
I am Jack said...

I didn't quite get the memo on black folks forgiving Bush jr or Nixon, but Ted is still a cool motherfucker though.

I feel you HC, people hate on Kobe for the most asinine reasons. Plus, I never bought the whole "but he presented himself one way but turned out to be something else" argument. Shit, Jordan presented himself as an "all american" guy, but we know he fucked other women, assaulted teammates, belittled teammates, had a nasty gambling problem...but we don't hear that same tired shit when talking about Jordan though..

Miss Ahmad said...

I don't drink so please use sparkling water if you're gonna assault me. I am a Kobe hater, I don't have a good reason, I just hate him. I don't admire men who date and marry high school girls, I'm not into rapists, cry babies or pussies. I watched the Dallas game and he was en fuego as I like to say, however it's like this...

Black people have often been forgiven for our wrong doings as long as we shucked and jived for the masses...he's a shucker and jiver, 'cuz hoop ain't nothing but a game!

Wanda said...

I personally think that Kobe is an amazing athlete, I'm definitely a fan. See, I can be a fan because I could give a rat's ass who he dates, who he marries, a phony rape allegation against him, or anything remotely invoving his personal life.

I'd have to give Shaq the crown when it comes to "shucking and jiving", flashing that watermelon grim whenever it is to his advantage.

Inside Man said...

I'm a religious basketball fan and feel Kobe does have a complete game. He's the best player in the league by far (which Shaq acknowledged) and I re-affirm that because he plays outstanding defense and takes it personally which is how I play ball (You see what he did to Mike Miller last night? ha!)

However, Kobe is the worst teammate to have though. He snitched on his peoples, whines we doesn't have the ball, and does not listen to the coach.

I think Kobe and Shaq ruined a beautiful relationship, they would have won countless more rings together.

Tariq said...

As a Lakers season ticket holder for 10 years, I can see where people might think that Kobe is a bad teammate..but not this year. He has career highs in assists, and is trying to get his teammates involved. His teammates aren't stepping up like they should, Kobe has been the model teammate this season.

Plus, who gives a shit about Kobe snitching, he was never considered to be "street" in the first place.. If I was accused of raping some white chick in Colorado of all places, I might sell out my own mother to get out of that predicament.

I just want to know when are people going to let that go for christs sake. I'm not still mad at shaq for putting out "Kazaam!", or his horrible rap career, I've moved on from that..

Reese The Law Girl said...

Oooo, now you have another person to hit over the head. I can't stand Kobe. To my credit, I have ALWAYS hated Kobe- the fact that he "allegedly" raped a girl and then tried to use his mistress as a reference to his sexual deviancy just made me hate him and laugh at him at the same time.

Also, not a fan of OJ and, being from the DC area (MD, not DC), I thought Berry was a crackhead and shouldn't have been reelected. But, you know, I didn't get to vote in that election.

TMJ said...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Now first, let me say that I DO NOT like Kobe's trick ass! (and then duck as the pillowcase goes by) let me tell you why.

First, it was cool that he spoke Italian and was great in 'ball. But it was soon apparent that he was a stuck-up asshole who thought he was better than everyone else--not just in basketball but in EVERYTHING! I don't care if you speak 12 languages mofo, you'll get stomped for that shit over here!

Then--the rape. I didn't care that he might've been a rapist--though I made lots of jokes--but that he wanted the WHITE GIRL! Nevermind all that multicultural crap right now--he tried (and did) fuck a white girl and that's why he got fucked up in the game. I guess growing up in Italy, he forgot that here? in the us? fools still trip on that white girl stuff - so his ass almost went to jail. Then to talk shit about Shaq! Check Bomani Jones on that--Kobe broke the code. You don't tell on someone. Snitching Ass Bastard.

And for the record, Jerry Buss stating that he'd trade Shaq 100 times to keep Kobe PRETTY MUCH SAYS UNEQUIVOCALLY THAT KOBE DID HAVE THE POWER TO GET RID OF SHAQ--AND USED IT!

Hey HC, have I mentioned I fucking love your blog?

The Humanity Critic said...

I feel you, but I don't buy arguments where people start assuming how other people feel. Like I've heard things like, "Kobe is not better than Jordan, so he can forget about that!!" or "He thinks he's better than everyone else!!" My problem with those arguments is, when did Kobe ever say he was trying to be like Jordan or thought he was better than everyone else. I respect that those are your instinctual feelings about him, its just there isn't any smoking gun proving your argument. But lets say that he thought he was "better than everyone else", why is this suddenly a bad thing? Because its Kobe?? Whether you are my favorite MC or ballplayer, I want you to have a certain arrogance, and arrogance that you can get the job done. Again, I respect your opinion, and wouldn't want to lose you as a reader, but people's hatred for Kobe has them blurring arguments just a little.

As for the sexual stuff, if we sit here criticizing what hue of female he decided to stick his cock in, we would need an entire blog documenting actors, athletes and the like who do the same thing. As for the "Code", here are a few things to consider. The "Code" isn't just based on "not telling on a man's indiscretions", there are other rules, rules that Shaq broke previously. Like the rule about "keeping all business in house", a common rule that Shaq broke when going public first about his criticisms of Kobe.(before the alleged rape) Also, talk about not snitching, Shaq went to management to get Kobe traded, what kind of man does that? He could had avoided breaking that "code" and discussed things man to man with Kobe. My question is, why should Kobe stick to the rules when Shaq was a habitual rule breaker, he has no allegiance to Shaq whatsoever. He doesn't owe that backstabbing bastard a motherfucking thing, so people who use this as an argument makes me belly laugh a bit.

Also, more on that, people somehow hate Kobe so much that they consider Kobe's words more objectionable than Shaq's infidelity.(supposed) What kind of backwards thinking is that? I remember when a friend of mine got caught cheating then lied about me doing the same thing on my girl. I couldn't care less because I was innocent, if Shaq got worked up because of Kobe's snitching then he shouldn't stick his dick in women who aren't his wife.

Jerry Buss stating that he'd trade Shaq 100 times to keep Kobe is an unequivocal truth based on Shaq's rapidly declining numbers. The other day, even though they beat the Lakers, Kwame Brown was doing a good job guarding Shaq. KWAME BROWN!! Yep, Jerry Buss is a genius, and if Shaq was a horse it would be about time to take him around back and shoot him. Saying that Kobe had power in the trade is more guesswork..

But please, don't take my diatribe as mean spirited or sarcastic, I appreciate you showing my blog love.

Paco said...

hmm.... if I was white (or a girl, for that matter).... I wouldnt mind being raped by him.

On second thought, you cant rape the willing so i take that back.