Thursday, September 22, 2005

Any Given Sunday

Last week when my therapist told me that I should stay away from violent activities I thought she was talking about not fighting or threatening anyone, not one of my favorite Sunday past-times.(I was hoping she wasn't talking about masturbation. It's not really violent but then again you have never seen me..Oh forget it) At first I nodded in agreement because it seemed like a task which was the easiest one she has asked me so far, but something told me to ask about her about football. When I hinted about Football she asked, "Do you tackle anyone?? Do you try to inflict pain on your opponent in any way, shape, or form? When I replied "yes" she said, "Then the answer would be "NO"! I tried to explain to her that Football should be an exception in this case because it is the best way for me to start off a week, and the greater good that it does to my well being. When she asked me to explain I said, "It's like if you were married and a very attractive woman makes sexual advances towards you while you are in Las Vegas with your boys." "Uh huh" my therapist said, "Go on". "Well, of course you don't have sex with the woman but you go back to your hotel room and beat off like it was an Olympic event, then that feeling of momentary naughtiness goes away. That is what football does to me, I can exercise my temper demons and be pretty well mannered the whole week." She paused, as to really think about what I just stated, and said "You almost had me there, I still don't think you should play any type of contact sport for a while ,but tell me a few memorable moments while playing football" This is what I told her, which was actually a mistake now that I think about it.

Desperate Football Wives: Whenever we play football my best friend Danny is usually on my team because he is my main boy and he has a cannon of an arm. It's weird, for a guy who never played organized sports in his life, and hated sports when we were kids, he really missed his calling because the kid can throw. Anyway, we usually play football against different groups of guys each week, it's either some of Danny's co workers, some dudes that I know, it all depends. This one week we were playing with gentlemen that had to be in their mid-40's, they were cool and all but they started making rules to where you "could" and "couldn't" tackle them. Usually I would loathe any rules like this, but since they seemed like nice guys I agreed, even saying, "I have bad knees from playing football so I would prefer no "chop-blocks". Even though right when I said that some of the guys gave me a devilish grin, I didn't think much about it at the time and was ready to throw around the pigskin a bit. After we returned the ball after the kickoff, the first play was for me, so Danny hands the ball off to me and I run 4 yards then "Bam". Not only was I tackled which wasn't a surprise, but I looked at the tackler and said "Motherfucker you chop-blocked me!" As he grinned I realized that the whole "telling people your injuries" bit was designed for my stupid ass to find out my weakness.

Every time I touched the ball, on a running play or a passing play, the only thing they aimed for were my knees. Danny saw how I looked, and usually he tries to prevent me from going psycho, but this time in a very mocking "black voice" that I would usually curse him out for he said "You better "represent" son!! You going out like that??" Bad stereotypes aside, he was right, I had to get even. So besides me chop-blocking them right the fuck back, I talked shit about there wives even though they were in attendance. Instead of simply sacking the quarterback I would clothesline the shit out of him, time after time. I did it so much that his entire team threatened my life, so I figured I would do it one more time. So I rushed passed the lineman, cocked my arm back, and when I clotheslined him I was off aim and caught him in the mouth, knocking out his two front teeth. I really felt bad as he clutched his mouth screaming in pain, and when I was about to apologize someone hit me in the back of the head, with a THERMUS! I turned around and it was the wife of the guy I had hit, along with three of her friends, and they meant business. They had put their hands up and they were actually throwing blows in my direction. As Danny said, "Lets get the fuck out of here" he basically pushed me to his car, as we drove off the "football wives" were actually throwing shit at our car as we sped away. Man, I love this game.

Some Bruce Lee Shit: This one Sunday was one to remember, because I almost got my ass handed to me quicker than someone having breakfast with Jeffrey Dahmer. The team that was supposed to play ours didn't show up, so we were forced to play with some strangers who were in the park before we got there. They seemed pretty cool, so we started to play my favorite past-time outside of masturbation and throat-chopping black republicans. The funny thing about this game, from what I remember, is that 85% of it went pretty conflict free. But around the last 5 minutes, primarily because they were up 20 points, the other team started talking shit, relentlessly. Besides that, after I was tackled a few times the person who tackled me would shove my head down before they got off of me. I warned them, even saying "You guys seem like cool young cats, shove my head down again and we are going to have problems."

Wouldn't you know it, the very next play as I caught a 15 yard pass and was tackled immediately, the man in question shoved my head down once again. So, never one to break a promise, I get up immediately and hit the shit out of him, cracking his newly purchased "sports glasses". Danny immediately rushes over and tries to shield me from the oncoming mob destined to rip me a new one. I shoved Danny away knowing that I was about to receive a beat down, but at least one of them would leave there with some sort of injury caused by yours truly. The first guy rushes me and I kick him in the chest, the second one grabs me from behind and I give him a massive backwards head butt, I even grabbed a miniature water cooler and started hitting dudes with it. For a moment, a fleeting moment mind you as I bounced around like I was crazy, I felt like Bruce Lee screaming "Come one, Come all, I'll take on all of you motherfuckers.." Before I could even finish that sentence someone had hit me with the ball, stunning me for a moment, and I began to receive the beating of a lifetime. It would have been worse if Danny didn't shoot his starter pistol in the air, causing the men to get off of me.(He sometimes helps out as a track referee, hence the pistol) As I got off the ground, staggering like I had been drinking for hours on end, I get to Danny's car and say, "A starter pistol?? Thank god those assholes can't tell the difference!" I then grabbed his keys because I really don't trust his driving.(See this post about Danny's driving)

Suzy, my hero:(picture obviously not Suzy) A year ago we were playing against some guys from my friend Mike's job, and apparently my reputation preceded me. I kept getting hints from Mike that the guys from his job "had something for me". I didn't think much about it and blew it off as just macho shit talking. Sunday comes around, I meet the other guys, nothing seemed that abnormal. Thats until I noticed that they had a girl on their team, I'm all for women's rights and everything but I didn't want to hurt her. When I decided to express my concerns the lady in question said, loudly, "Shut the fuck up Pussy, I'm probably more of a man than you!" which got laughs from everyone within earshot. I quickly said, "By the stubble on your face I don't really doubt that that much." We started playing and I must admit that I still found it hard to tackle her, that was until she tackled the shit out of me. When she tackled me I looked at her, her immediate need to get a electrolysis appointment, and her shoulders as broad as Jim Brown's in his prime I immediately wanted to question her sexuality, but that would be homophobic. But I had no qualms questioning her original gender, saying "You had to be born a man, because I suddenly feel so gentle and delicate in your arms and shit"

The next few times I tackled her hard, not in a "let me show you I'm a man" kind of way but a "Let me stop your impeding progress" on some casual football shit. Then she started punching me in the chest on random plays, even kicking me in the nuts after another play. I warned her to "stop" but she kept on, even challenging me to a fight, putting her hands up and inching closer to me. I told her, "I have never hit a woman but I'm pretty sure no one would care if I knocked you out!!"(I was kind of worried, because of course I would never hit her, but I had a friend once die because he refused to defend himself against a woman) Since she really wanted to fight me I felt that my only option was to leave, but as I began to depart this lovely game Mike grabbed me and said "She's only playing man", then the girl in question said, "Yeah you fairy, I'm not going to hurt you!" I agreed to play some more, but I had to make a urgent phone call first. After I hung up my phone we finished the game, and the only reason I dealt with the three more punches that she gave me to the chest was because of what was about to happen next. While the game is over and I am drinking my water, Suzy comes running out of nowhere pointing, saying "HumanityCritic, is that her!!??" I scream out, "Yes Suzy, beat her motherfucking ass!!" Suzy proceeded to give the girl a misguided jump kick, which was sloppy as shit but effective. As Suzy is on top of her, using her face like a pinata, Mike comes over to me and says, "Dude, why did you do that, she was only playing with you!!" I said, "Fuck that, she had to learn a lesson" as the girl in question is screaming "Somebody get this bitch off me!!"

41 comments:

glory said...

it's good to have friends. is it just me or are most of your fights in self defense?

totolehero said...

great blog you got here Humanity Critic...

kathi said...

You may be a bad ass, but you are a great friend. My favorite part of this piece is when you pushed Danny out of the way because you knew you were fixin to take a beating.
I think you're a sweetheart. A bad ass sweetheart, but a sweetheart all the same.

ManNMotion said...

I seriously think you need to get a male therapist who understands man things like football.

The football wives story reminds me of a few years ago when these two boxers where going at it and one of them was getting beaten against the ropes and then the guy who is getting beat, his mom jumps in the ring and starts hitting the other guy over the head with her shoe. So they got her out of the ring and resumed the fight, but later the guy who was winning had a cut on his head from the shoe and they ended up having to give it to the other guy.

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Chele said...

I'd hate to think what would happen if you didn't have those aggressive outlets.

Have you ever thought about going into boxing?

CowgirlCre said...

HC,
Is this Suzy the same one from your previous post about your potential girlfriends that your bandmates thought you should get with? If this is the same chick, No you should definitely not get with her. I can just see the two of you going around throat chopping the world!!! LOL

However I completely understand the value of friends of the opposite sex having your back. That had to be a great moment to witness.

CowgirlCre

Brando said...

Holy crap, the thermus almost had me spit out my coffee. I also have to applaud the call to the bullpen to get a female-female matchup.

CaffeineDiva said...

"You had to be born a man, because I suddenly feel so gentle and delicate in your arms and shit"
PRICELESS!!!
You and Suzy are a psychotic combo... it's good to have friends with similar interests!

Amadeo said...

I cannot find fault with you.

aplomb said...

...Well I must say, I see progress in this post. Knowing your history of chopping, hitting, and kicking...you spared that woman. Good job!! Cause I was waiting to hear the part where U commenced to "Whoop that Trick"...lol

Paco said...

Suzy comes running out of nowhere pointing, saying "HumanityCritic, is that her!!??" I scream out, "Yes Suzy, beat her motherfucking ass!!"

LMAO that shit was hilarious... i can so picture it...

Kelly said...

That post was funny as shit. I hate women that think they can act tough and hit men. I personally think you should have knocked her the fuck out, but getting Suzy worked.

And just wondering, since you're from VA, please tell me you don't like the sorry ass Redskins!?!

And an update to the last post is up. I got your inquiry....

E_1979 said...

I was hoping she wasn't talking about masturbation. It's not really violent but then again you have never seen me..Oh forget it

well it is called self-abuse

James Manning said...

Funny post: No one should ever suggest that a man not partake in the greatest sport ever created. Elboying nigga's in the back of the head and rushing them into the side of a buick (in Chicago, we were forced to play in the street) is more fun than anyone could realize. I'm much too old to have some twentysomething knocking around my bones - but I remember.

Jdid said...

ha ha ha, oh man suzy is definetly your bonnie lol, she had ya back son.

theclamwhisperer said...

I want you on my team. Once again, a great read. Cracks me up. Do you write for a living?

Schatzi said...

Everyone needs to have a "Suzy" on their team! That shit was funny... Serves her right tho. I bet she'll think twice before talkin all that mess!

Echo said...

Funny stuff here guy. I enjoyed it. Thanks for stopping by my place.

melette said...

I think your therapist was very astute in her advice.

T-Square said...

HC you are the only person who, at the end of a craptacular day, can make me bust out laughing to the point my co-workers come out of their offices to see if I am OK!

I am a girl and I play football with the boys...but it do it so I can put my hands on the manly men...I do my best to stay out of tackling way...unless you are coming at me then watch out cause I am a terror!!!

Inside Man said...

We had a girl play on my high school football team. Even though the coach told us not to take it easy on her, nobody ever truly hit her like she was a man. One game we were blowing out a team like 64 to 7 and coach put in her at middle linebacker in the fourth quarter. All I remember was the opposing team's running back breaking line of scrimmage and meeting one on one with her in open field. He slammed through her like she was a skeleton and her neck snapped back and she landed on her shoulders backwards, feet straight up and just layed on the field for about 5 minutes. Everybody thought she was paralyzed or knocked out cold. Luckily she wasn't seriously hurt, but word got around the league what happened and no one ever hit her powerfully for the rest of the season.

*It's hard to hit a girl like a man in sports because it isn't natural. Our bodies are built different and the amount of impact you hit a woman can be damaging. Even if you are the same wieght, a mans body is hard, and our core is built for impact. That's where the impact from tackling comes from (not your arms and chest), hence that't why football players do mad squats and power cleeves to strengthen thier core (hip area). That's why some skinny guy's can hit so hard because their core is strong.

Sorry for the long response, but I understand how it is to play football with the opposite sex. I couldn't do it neither with the hitting.......

Euphoric Dreamer said...

nice

Wes said...

Excellent analysis, hahaha

And a cool site, rock on

Icey said...

Tears! I mean crying from laughter at this post! Yeah it does sound like Suzy is your ride or die!

Girl With An Alibi said...

I wish I was tough enough to beat down another woman for my guy friends. Alas I am pussy cat hear me roar... very softly.

**RPM** said...

Alright...I gotta do this...

ManNMotion wrote: I seriously think you need to get a male therapist who understands man things like football.

I take offense. I'm not a male, but I still park my ass in front of the television for each game, every weekend, wake to ESPN each day and currently kick the butts of some male fantasy football players weekly. Football ain't a man thing. It's a "sports junkie" thing.

Or...quite possibly I am a less hairy, less foolish version of the woman you played football with.

**RPM frowns in speculation.**

David said...

HC, I'm glad that you visited my blog again as it gave me the pleasure of reading this post. These stories are really funny and they reminded me of when I was a kid and the fun that I had playing football. Thanks!

Brother OMi said...

yeah its always good to have that girl that would kick someone's ass for you in a minute

aughra said...

my masturbation is violent, too.

Oh, my surgery went swimmingly. Thanks for asking.

PeWi said...

what a sorry life this is.

Aren;t you all playing because you like the sport? Why do you have to beat each other up? And pretending to be a victim will not help you. Sorry, but from those few lines it is obvious, that you are actively encouraging others to kick you and beat you, but pretend to be kind and only react in self defense. what a self delusionional behaviour.

Get a life. follow the rules. Go fishing and stop eating all this sugar, it just makes you hyperventilating.

gah.

The Humanity Critic said...

"what a sorry life this is."

I'm probably sure your mother said the same thing when holding you in her arms as a child, but I digress.

"Aren;t you all playing because you like the sport? Why do you have to beat each other up?"

Because it is also a contact sport, not sure where you are from, but football isn't tennis or table tennis. Wow, your attempt to diss me has already failed horribly.

"And pretending to be a victim will not help you."

Who said I wanted your help? If I wanted to know how to be a complete piece of shit, or the correct gerbil to use, then maybe I may need your assistence.

"Sorry, but from those few lines it is obvious, that you are actively encouraging others to kick you and beat you"

I'm sorry, for you, because apparently besides a functioning brain and a healthy hygiene habit, you are lacking the complete grasp of reading comprehension. Congrats, the "douchebag of the day" title goes to you.

"but pretend to be kind and only react in self defense."

I could pretend to be whorish and an absolute sperm deposit, but you already have a mother.

"Get a life. follow the rules."

This coming from someone who comes on MY BLOg and criticizes? I suggest you invest in a life, and if you don't like what you read then stick to what you know best. Your inbred lifestyle and a complete love for beastiality porn.

"gah."

The sounds of an individual who just got bitchslapped on my blog. But hey, expose yourself and reveal your blog. Are you that much of a coward?

Brotha Buck said...

I'm not a football watcher, but given your explanation, I'm gonna give it a try! Beats the alternative you offer...

Starla Spaulding said...

I'm surprised that your therapist is against organized sports. It's football not some random fight. Is she going to ban you playing poker?

In fact it's a good sign that you had enough sense to call Suzy to handle her.

Luke Cage said...

Can a brotha say, sheer, perfection and brilliance? Now this is a football post at it's best! Kudos.

Kelly said...

"gah."

The sounds of an individual who just got bitchslapped on my blog.


omg, that shit is hilarious!

piranha said...

i simply love suzi.
hands down!

PeWi said...

Sorry, my luvvie - yeah, just bitch slap me and high five your friends. that still does not make your point right.

Why are you so agressive? That is my question. Of course football is a contact sport, don't ask how many bones I have broken, while playing rugby. That is besides the point. You are revelling in breaking and damaging other peoples health and you enjoy it.

It is my humble point of view, that I find this disgusting (as I find the other person that kicks your weak spot disgusting as well). I like a good physical workout like any other, but hey, if you don't win, it is not the end of the world. and I can stand up and walk away and beat you tomorrow, but the point is I had some excercie and I followed the rules. I simply want to point out that overtly agressive life leads to poor live quality - overall.

so bitch slap me again, but every bitchslap is proove that I kicked your soft spot, otherwise you would not react.
P.S i am not attacking you I critizise your overtly aggressive life style, you are obviously questioning this as well, so - this is my point of view.

Good luck with your live.

The Humanity Critic said...

"Sorry, my luvvie - yeah, just bitch slap me and high five your friends. that still does not make your point right."

You are back for more? OK, you sure are a masochist. Who said that my reason for having a blog was to be "right" or "wrong" in the first place? Plus, no one is asking for your douchebag approval here, so your trolling, although silly and downright pathetic, seems a bit misguided. But after I show you the business end of my size 11's, you're damn right I will "high five my friends", isn't that what you do when you have your way with the neighborhood slut?
"
Why are you so agressive?"

This question just shows what kind of non-specific hand-job you are. If you knew the history of my blog you would have gotten that by now, it seems that your logic is as asinine as judging someone based on one brief conversation you had with them.

"That is my question. Of course football is a contact sport, don't ask how many bones I have broken, while playing rugby."

Then why are you bitching then? Either you are an amazing hypocrite, with all the excess violence that goes on in Rugby, or you are a outright liar, just trying to sound tough behind your pedophilia and downright cowardice. Which one is it?

"That is besides the point. You are revelling in breaking and damaging other peoples health and you enjoy it."

Again, if you knew what the theme of the blog you wouldn't pose such ignorant and asinine assumptions. Did some trick that goes by a spider moniker put you up to this?

"It is my humble point of view, that I find this disgusting (as I find the other person that kicks your weak spot disgusting as well)."

It is my humble opinion, kind sir, that I couldn't give a flying fuck what you think. If you don't like what you are reading, like a traveling prostitute, move the fuck on. There are other blogs that you might enjoy, blogs that are more to your specific needs like knitting, the proper way to use Vaseline, even a support blog with people who have a gag reflex, definitely my blog is not your cup of tea.

"but the point is I had some excercie and I followed the rules."

Do you want a cookie you masturbating boyscout?? Who fucking cares if you follow the rules? Shit, I have seen bigger testicles on Celine Dion.. Is this the part where you tell me how much money you have saved for you sex change operation? Geez.

"I simply want to point out that overtly agressive life leads to poor live quality - overall."

Fine, thanks for the advice Dr. Freud. Can I put on the shrink cap for a moment: I find that spewing bullshit on my blog will get you publicly embarrassed and make you seem like a sanitary napkin. That is my diagnosis.

"so bitch slap me again, but every bitchslap is proove that I kicked your soft spot, otherwise you would not react."

Not really, and I have been around the block a few times to know that when someone says, "If you respond, it only means that I am getting to you!" argument is a pathetic one. Nice try shit-stain. I am responding because you chose to come on my blog to talk shit, now like any disobedient child you are being punished, albeit publicly. Don't worry, you aren't the first to get beat like you stole something on the NappyDiatribe.

"P.S i am not attacking you I critizise your overtly aggressive life style,"

Ok, well I am giving you a verbal beating, and I am openly questioning if you have testicles or not.

"Good luck with your live."

Fuck you..(In a Jerry Springer, "Final Thought" moment) I never understood why anyone would bring their diseased ass to someones blog and talk shit, especially since that blog owner could edit what you say to make you sound stupid, will always have the last word, or simply erase you tripe in one fell swoop.

lady in satin said...

LOL. Those are some violent stories, but they are funny!

miyna said...

*sigh*
There's always one, or in this case, two...

But my fave from this post:
"Somebody get this bitch off me!"

ROFLMAO

that whole shit is hilarious...