Any Given Sunday

Last week when my therapist told me that I should stay away from violent activities I thought she was talking about not fighting or threatening anyone, not one of my favorite Sunday past-times.(I was hoping she wasn't talking about masturbation. It's not really violent but then again you have never seen me..Oh forget it) At first I nodded in agreement because it seemed like a task which was the easiest one she has asked me so far, but something told me to ask about her about football. When I hinted about Football she asked, "Do you tackle anyone?? Do you try to inflict pain on your opponent in any way, shape, or form? When I replied "yes" she said, "Then the answer would be "NO"! I tried to explain to her that Football should be an exception in this case because it is the best way for me to start off a week, and the greater good that it does to my well being. When she asked me to explain I said, "It's like if you were married and a very attractive woman makes sexual advances towards you while you are in Las Vegas with your boys." "Uh huh" my therapist said, "Go on". "Well, of course you don't have sex with the woman but you go back to your hotel room and beat off like it was an Olympic event, then that feeling of momentary naughtiness goes away. That is what football does to me, I can exercise my temper demons and be pretty well mannered the whole week." She paused, as to really think about what I just stated, and said "You almost had me there, I still don't think you should play any type of contact sport for a while ,but tell me a few memorable moments while playing football" This is what I told her, which was actually a mistake now that I think about it.

Desperate Football Wives: Whenever we play football my best friend Danny is usually on my team because he is my main boy and he has a cannon of an arm. It's weird, for a guy who never played organized sports in his life, and hated sports when we were kids, he really missed his calling because the kid can throw. Anyway, we usually play football against different groups of guys each week, it's either some of Danny's co workers, some dudes that I know, it all depends. This one week we were playing with gentlemen that had to be in their mid-40's, they were cool and all but they started making rules to where you "could" and "couldn't" tackle them. Usually I would loathe any rules like this, but since they seemed like nice guys I agreed, even saying, "I have bad knees from playing football so I would prefer no "chop-blocks". Even though right when I said that some of the guys gave me a devilish grin, I didn't think much about it at the time and was ready to throw around the pigskin a bit. After we returned the ball after the kickoff, the first play was for me, so Danny hands the ball off to me and I run 4 yards then "Bam". Not only was I tackled which wasn't a surprise, but I looked at the tackler and said "Motherfucker you chop-blocked me!" As he grinned I realized that the whole "telling people your injuries" bit was designed for my stupid ass to find out my weakness.

Every time I touched the ball, on a running play or a passing play, the only thing they aimed for were my knees. Danny saw how I looked, and usually he tries to prevent me from going psycho, but this time in a very mocking "black voice" that I would usually curse him out for he said "You better "represent" son!! You going out like that??" Bad stereotypes aside, he was right, I had to get even. So besides me chop-blocking them right the fuck back, I talked shit about there wives even though they were in attendance. Instead of simply sacking the quarterback I would clothesline the shit out of him, time after time. I did it so much that his entire team threatened my life, so I figured I would do it one more time. So I rushed passed the lineman, cocked my arm back, and when I clotheslined him I was off aim and caught him in the mouth, knocking out his two front teeth. I really felt bad as he clutched his mouth screaming in pain, and when I was about to apologize someone hit me in the back of the head, with a THERMUS! I turned around and it was the wife of the guy I had hit, along with three of her friends, and they meant business. They had put their hands up and they were actually throwing blows in my direction. As Danny said, "Lets get the fuck out of here" he basically pushed me to his car, as we drove off the "football wives" were actually throwing shit at our car as we sped away. Man, I love this game.

Some Bruce Lee Shit: This one Sunday was one to remember, because I almost got my ass handed to me quicker than someone having breakfast with Jeffrey Dahmer. The team that was supposed to play ours didn't show up, so we were forced to play with some strangers who were in the park before we got there. They seemed pretty cool, so we started to play my favorite past-time outside of masturbation and throat-chopping black republicans. The funny thing about this game, from what I remember, is that 85% of it went pretty conflict free. But around the last 5 minutes, primarily because they were up 20 points, the other team started talking shit, relentlessly. Besides that, after I was tackled a few times the person who tackled me would shove my head down before they got off of me. I warned them, even saying "You guys seem like cool young cats, shove my head down again and we are going to have problems."

Wouldn't you know it, the very next play as I caught a 15 yard pass and was tackled immediately, the man in question shoved my head down once again. So, never one to break a promise, I get up immediately and hit the shit out of him, cracking his newly purchased "sports glasses". Danny immediately rushes over and tries to shield me from the oncoming mob destined to rip me a new one. I shoved Danny away knowing that I was about to receive a beat down, but at least one of them would leave there with some sort of injury caused by yours truly. The first guy rushes me and I kick him in the chest, the second one grabs me from behind and I give him a massive backwards head butt, I even grabbed a miniature water cooler and started hitting dudes with it. For a moment, a fleeting moment mind you as I bounced around like I was crazy, I felt like Bruce Lee screaming "Come one, Come all, I'll take on all of you motherfuckers.." Before I could even finish that sentence someone had hit me with the ball, stunning me for a moment, and I began to receive the beating of a lifetime. It would have been worse if Danny didn't shoot his starter pistol in the air, causing the men to get off of me.(He sometimes helps out as a track referee, hence the pistol) As I got off the ground, staggering like I had been drinking for hours on end, I get to Danny's car and say, "A starter pistol?? Thank god those assholes can't tell the difference!" I then grabbed his keys because I really don't trust his driving.(See this post about Danny's driving)

Suzy, my hero:(picture obviously not Suzy) A year ago we were playing against some guys from my friend Mike's job, and apparently my reputation preceded me. I kept getting hints from Mike that the guys from his job "had something for me". I didn't think much about it and blew it off as just macho shit talking. Sunday comes around, I meet the other guys, nothing seemed that abnormal. Thats until I noticed that they had a girl on their team, I'm all for women's rights and everything but I didn't want to hurt her. When I decided to express my concerns the lady in question said, loudly, "Shut the fuck up Pussy, I'm probably more of a man than you!" which got laughs from everyone within earshot. I quickly said, "By the stubble on your face I don't really doubt that that much." We started playing and I must admit that I still found it hard to tackle her, that was until she tackled the shit out of me. When she tackled me I looked at her, her immediate need to get a electrolysis appointment, and her shoulders as broad as Jim Brown's in his prime I immediately wanted to question her sexuality, but that would be homophobic. But I had no qualms questioning her original gender, saying "You had to be born a man, because I suddenly feel so gentle and delicate in your arms and shit"

The next few times I tackled her hard, not in a "let me show you I'm a man" kind of way but a "Let me stop your impeding progress" on some casual football shit. Then she started punching me in the chest on random plays, even kicking me in the nuts after another play. I warned her to "stop" but she kept on, even challenging me to a fight, putting her hands up and inching closer to me. I told her, "I have never hit a woman but I'm pretty sure no one would care if I knocked you out!!"(I was kind of worried, because of course I would never hit her, but I had a friend once die because he refused to defend himself against a woman) Since she really wanted to fight me I felt that my only option was to leave, but as I began to depart this lovely game Mike grabbed me and said "She's only playing man", then the girl in question said, "Yeah you fairy, I'm not going to hurt you!" I agreed to play some more, but I had to make a urgent phone call first. After I hung up my phone we finished the game, and the only reason I dealt with the three more punches that she gave me to the chest was because of what was about to happen next. While the game is over and I am drinking my water, Suzy comes running out of nowhere pointing, saying "HumanityCritic, is that her!!??" I scream out, "Yes Suzy, beat her motherfucking ass!!" Suzy proceeded to give the girl a misguided jump kick, which was sloppy as shit but effective. As Suzy is on top of her, using her face like a pinata, Mike comes over to me and says, "Dude, why did you do that, she was only playing with you!!" I said, "Fuck that, she had to learn a lesson" as the girl in question is screaming "Somebody get this bitch off me!!"