Driving my ass Crazy!

Like I have stated before, I have some pretty fucking abysmal driving habits. I mean, I follow the DMV handbook and everything, but there are other idiosyncrasies that I have while I am behind the wheel of an automobile that drive my loved ones crazy. Besides me screaming "Hurry the fuck up" when some person in front of me doesn't immediately go at a green light, me getting out of my car and yelling "Do you want me to cram that horn up your ass??" at the car in back of me who wanted to use his/her horn like they had lost their fucking mind isn't a great thing either. My family and friends know that I have road rage issues, I even have issues with wack Cd's as I throw them out of my car the same was a ninja throws a "throwing star", but it is about time that I call all my critics out because their ass can't drive either. A person knows that they can drive if people feel comfortable sleeping while they are behind the wheel, and the people who I am about to "out" don't have that particular talent.

My mother: I love my mother dearly and she is definitely a decent driver, very careful, careful to a fault come to think about it. For one thing, she needs like 2 miles of open space in order to find it feasible to turn into flowing traffic. Most people, when approaching a green light would proceed like normal, just going through it as effortless as can be, right? Not my mother, because for some reason she has it in her head that the light in question is about to turn "yellow", so she immediately slows down for no apparent fucking reason. She is strongly against any "drive-throughs" for some odd reason, and this 5'2 120 pound woman will curse you out like a longshoreman on turrets if you suddenly decide to take a shortcut. It's weird, because if I'm in the car and decide to take a shortcut she will say some shit like, "God Dammit!! I hate when you fucking do that!!" That's my mom, sweet as can be.

My brother: He is definitely a capable driver, but he has certain driving idiosyncrasies that prohibit me from falling asleep. He is what I call "a tourist" when he drives, because he will survey the entire scenery while he drives and it drives me absolutely bat-shit. I always want to say to him, "You live in this area jackass, what in the fuck do you find so "captivating"?" Most people, I would imagine, do whatever they have to do to stay away from the side of those big ass hauling trailers because you might get lost in their blond spot and be crushed like a black republicans will to live. Not my brother, he will drive for miles right beside those big monstrosities without a care in the world, not knowing that the life of a 32 year old chronic masturbater is in his hands.

My sister: "Fast and the Furious" I call her, and for a good reason. It is like she made a secret vow, when she started driving, to "use the brake as little as possible". She weaves through traffic like a fucking video game, she has talent, but because a few drops of Pee came out when I was with her on one of her "missions" I would have to say that it can be a horrifying ordeal. When she does find it appropriate to use that dastardly brake pedal, she does it at the last possible minute, to the point that it would make a grown man scream like woman in a horror flick.(Not saying I screamed, it was actually like a manly yell. OK, I screamed. Fuck you!) But I will say this though, if I ever need a getaway driver for when I decide to pull off a bank heist, at least I know that my big sis will steer me to safety.

My Friend Danny: It is my opinion that some individuals can't handle big automobiles, and Danny is one of them. Danny once told me, "HumanityCritic, since I am a white republican male, it is like my birthright to drive a truck!" That's great and all, it's just a shame that he drives his truck the same way I make love after too many shots of Jack Daniels, very badly. When he is sober he drives his truck like he has had one too many, letting the truck veer from left or right sporadically, damn near crushing the car on his left and hitting the light-post on the right. He also drives incredibly slow on the highway and had to nerve to say to me while everyone was passing him, "What is everyone's rush??" I looked at the speedometer and said, "Maybe it is the fact that everyone thinks that you are retarded, based on the fact that your simple ass is doing 45 miles per hour!!!" This one time I had fought 3 dudes, not very well I may add, and had a broken hand and two shut eyes and I still demanded his keys so I could drive his car because I didn't trust his driving..