Tuesday, September 20, 2005

Driving my ass Crazy!

Like I have stated before, I have some pretty fucking abysmal driving habits. I mean, I follow the DMV handbook and everything, but there are other idiosyncrasies that I have while I am behind the wheel of an automobile that drive my loved ones crazy. Besides me screaming "Hurry the fuck up" when some person in front of me doesn't immediately go at a green light, me getting out of my car and yelling "Do you want me to cram that horn up your ass??" at the car in back of me who wanted to use his/her horn like they had lost their fucking mind isn't a great thing either. My family and friends know that I have road rage issues, I even have issues with wack Cd's as I throw them out of my car the same was a ninja throws a "throwing star", but it is about time that I call all my critics out because their ass can't drive either. A person knows that they can drive if people feel comfortable sleeping while they are behind the wheel, and the people who I am about to "out" don't have that particular talent.

My mother: I love my mother dearly and she is definitely a decent driver, very careful, careful to a fault come to think about it. For one thing, she needs like 2 miles of open space in order to find it feasible to turn into flowing traffic. Most people, when approaching a green light would proceed like normal, just going through it as effortless as can be, right? Not my mother, because for some reason she has it in her head that the light in question is about to turn "yellow", so she immediately slows down for no apparent fucking reason. She is strongly against any "drive-throughs" for some odd reason, and this 5'2 120 pound woman will curse you out like a longshoreman on turrets if you suddenly decide to take a shortcut. It's weird, because if I'm in the car and decide to take a shortcut she will say some shit like, "God Dammit!! I hate when you fucking do that!!" That's my mom, sweet as can be.

My brother: He is definitely a capable driver, but he has certain driving idiosyncrasies that prohibit me from falling asleep. He is what I call "a tourist" when he drives, because he will survey the entire scenery while he drives and it drives me absolutely bat-shit. I always want to say to him, "You live in this area jackass, what in the fuck do you find so "captivating"?" Most people, I would imagine, do whatever they have to do to stay away from the side of those big ass hauling trailers because you might get lost in their blond spot and be crushed like a black republicans will to live. Not my brother, he will drive for miles right beside those big monstrosities without a care in the world, not knowing that the life of a 32 year old chronic masturbater is in his hands.

My sister: "Fast and the Furious" I call her, and for a good reason. It is like she made a secret vow, when she started driving, to "use the brake as little as possible". She weaves through traffic like a fucking video game, she has talent, but because a few drops of Pee came out when I was with her on one of her "missions" I would have to say that it can be a horrifying ordeal. When she does find it appropriate to use that dastardly brake pedal, she does it at the last possible minute, to the point that it would make a grown man scream like woman in a horror flick.(Not saying I screamed, it was actually like a manly yell. OK, I screamed. Fuck you!) But I will say this though, if I ever need a getaway driver for when I decide to pull off a bank heist, at least I know that my big sis will steer me to safety.

My Friend Danny: It is my opinion that some individuals can't handle big automobiles, and Danny is one of them. Danny once told me, "HumanityCritic, since I am a white republican male, it is like my birthright to drive a truck!" That's great and all, it's just a shame that he drives his truck the same way I make love after too many shots of Jack Daniels, very badly. When he is sober he drives his truck like he has had one too many, letting the truck veer from left or right sporadically, damn near crushing the car on his left and hitting the light-post on the right. He also drives incredibly slow on the highway and had to nerve to say to me while everyone was passing him, "What is everyone's rush??" I looked at the speedometer and said, "Maybe it is the fact that everyone thinks that you are retarded, based on the fact that your simple ass is doing 45 miles per hour!!!" This one time I had fought 3 dudes, not very well I may add, and had a broken hand and two shut eyes and I still demanded his keys so I could drive his car because I didn't trust his driving..

34 comments:

soxlove said...

HC,

That's funny. I define a "good driver" by the same standard: if others feel comfortable sleeping while said driver proceeds to maneuver through streets, highways, and interstates. Unfortunately, a good friend of mine does not fit that definition. Anytime I ride shotgun, I feel a constant need to hit "the brake" or brace myself for a crash while we are on open highway. Geesh...

glory said...

i'ma need you to get danny off the road... and your sister too. or at least get her to smoke a little so she can stop rushing on the road.

BlueAngel said...

HC...you're a Nucking Fut! Hilarious! If you lived here in Atlanta, I'm sure that you'd have a lot more to say about silly drivers.

Nia said...

Why was I in tears laughing at your description of your sister. You sound JUST like my baby brother. So what its possible I missed my true calling as an Indie 500 finalist...that doesn't make my driving "bad." LMAO!

Anonymous said...

HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!

Enchantress said...

My hubby does the "veering" thing. He also can't keep his foot down, consistently on the pedal...you know, let's his foot up a little or down a little too hard. What's up with that? Not to increase my head size but, I'm the long distance driver that has everyone slobbering all over themselves on a trip. I have to make sure I bring a lot of music because there's no one to talk to! LOL

B.O.B.I. said...

I dunno about your rating system.
I fall asleep in any and every car I'm put in unless I'm driving.

Then it takes about fifteen minutes.

brooklyn babe said...

Ludacris put my driving motto best, in his song: "MOVE ____ GET OUT THE WAY....."
Only problem is, everybody in NYC is playing the same damn tune!

CaffeineDiva said...

LMBAO!
Ok, I have to admit, your sister and I might be driving twins! However, my vow was not a secret... a few friends have been in the vehicle with me & heard me say "I don't like to brake, I avoid it whenever possible!" But for the most part I am safe & folks usually feel very safe riding with me.

CaffeineDiva said...

To best describe it... I am a Jersey driver raised in NYC living in VAB... Scary thought huh?

D'elle said...

Great entry..I enjoyed it a lot.

Also great pictures. ha ha..

Rowan said...

Good post! I cannot drive, therefore since I know this, I no longer have a drivers license and get chauffered around. Shame on me eh?

watcher said...

nice to meetcha, thanks for dropping by for a sunday drive. i apparently drive like a saint although i thought i was pretty much outta control. damn, y'all move too fast sometimes. gimme a sec to get the friggin' seatbelt on....lol. check in w/ya later

Cassy said...

Too friggin funny! I drive like your sister - hard! I just had to replace the brakes on my car - way sooner than I should have because when I *do* brake it's a full force. Same for using the gas pedal!

I got a good laugh outta this one!

Kelly said...

I hate bad drivers. They suck. It sprinkled yesterday here in San Diego... about 2 crashes on all 5 major highways. It's rediculous.

alli-babe said...

HC babee, you pee'd on yourself? I didn't know that shit!...non-disclosure of info is grounds for a divorce. LOL

Amadeo said...

I love those folks that make you use the imaginary brake pedal...like by planting your foot into the floor you'll cause the car to slow down. My only actual issue is with stupid people and they dominate the roads.

Id it is said...

That was an entertainer!

Yet, I'd rather be safe than sorry as far as driving is concerned. To err could cost a life, and I ain't risking that.

kathi said...

I'm glad y'all live so far out of Texas.

Alistair! said...

You drive like me!! Wow.

Chele said...

What's even funnier than the stories are those dang pix. No you didn't go Partridge Family on us lol

The stories were scarier than they were funny. Folks with road rage need to take the bus and stay from behind the wheels of cars.

**FIRE** said...

Yep this is completely unrelated. *big smile* What can I say I've hardly had the time to read my stinkin' email, but anyway . . .
I wanted to congratulate you on your awards!

uzuri.afi said...

i had a shitty day until I read your forum, I laughed ALL through this thing. Your a trip..

smallislandgirl said...

You are too funny.
I don't drive and I am sure I will be a driving ms. daisy type of driver 'when' I get my licence.
Thanks for visiting my blog.

Chubby Chocolate said...

Just discovered your blog. You are amazing! You have another dedicated reader...Keep up the good work.

Lady K said...

Saw your comment on a friend's blog and had to check out yours. Amazingly funny! Keep it up!

msjaim said...

shit.. i have a bus pass!

Beloved said...

Are we separated at birth? I swear that we have the same mother...mine actually STOPS at yellow lights. I always cringe because I think that we're going to be rear ended when she's driving. And LOVING the Cosby show pics to denote the family members...and Danny Bonaduce as your bud Danny? Priceless!

Rachel R. said...

Hola, thanks for the kind words about my blog. Looks like you've been posting for awhile. Enjoyed your "driving my ass crazy". I'm sure I'll be back.

Justin said...

Here on Guam, people don't drive, they just crash. JUST FYI. :)

miyna said...

loved it. as usual.

i hate to ride in the car with my mother. she swears up and down she can do 5 things at once while driving. i kid you not, she'll be on the highway, readin' the paper, drinkin' coffee, yellin' at the kids, and eating a bagel or whatever.

it's all i can do to stay conscious, since what i really want to do is faint.

Luke Cage said...

LOL... and here I had a complex about people sleeping while I drove was because they found my conversations boring. How little I knew that it was just their way of showing me that they were comfortable with a mofo. (ssiiighh) Thanks for clearing that up for me man! -lol

MsPerdie said...

You screamed like a bitch... LMAO!!!!!!!!

lady in satin said...

I'm a great driver!! I've never been in an accident and I do drive fast. But not as fast and reckless as your sister, but I'm up there. The weird thing is, I can't take anyone else's driving. I'm always weary when riding in the car with all of my family and friends.