A Relationship: The Cliff-notes version

When I went to my 10 year High School reunion a few years back I didn't know if I should even attend. I mean, I had pretty decent memories of High School, I beat up about 10 bullies in a 3 year period, I did my best to see more vagina than a GYN, people generally liked me, I really didn't have any complaints. The reason why I had reservations was because for one thing I was living a lie, because inside I was a nerd who liked to skateboard, so I should have been treated like the other outcasts in my school but I wasn't. But, because I was on the track team and I would hit people out of frustration quicker than Mike Tyson at a spelling bee, I got propelled to "popular status" in my school. I kept on waiting for a group of individuals in a lynch mob, holding torches and such, confronting me in the halls one day screaming, "He's an impostor, he isn't one of us!! Get him!!" Those issues aside I went to my reunion and had a great time, the "nerds" were now rich and had hot ass wives, the "jocks" and "popular" guys all looked 20 years older than they actually were and resembled Norm from cheers and shit.(Karma is a bitch) Also, there were a handful of women who expressed the secret love they had for me ten years previously, to the point where I screamed "Why didn't you say anything!! We could have been great together, not in a "High School romance" way but in a "I'm going to have sex with you, brag to my friends about it, and add you as a notch on my belt" way. Damn, I've said too much." But all in all I hated school period, the only classes I looked forward too was Gym and Lunch, and maybe Spanish but only because there was a rumor that Ms. Rivera was fucking students and I wanted to see if I had a shot.

The one thing that sticks out about High School is my trusted friend, the almighty "Cliff notes". There was no other resource for lazy fucks like myself who hated to read at the time like that lovely yellow pamphlet. Teachers would always say shit like, "Cliff-notes won't help you, I will be asking questions that aren't in there!!" But come test time, everything that she put on the test I already knew by reading my trusted "cliff notes", so fuck her with her pedestrian threats. I wish that someone provided a Cliff notes edition on dating and relationships. Fuck it, I have a blog, let me give it a shot.

Dating/Courtship: This is by far the fakest part of the entire process as you will see. As much as people say that they don't put on facades during this period, they lie, because this is the equivalent to the "sales pitch". Car Salesman: Ladies, look at this late model African American male we have here. (kicking the tires) Low mileage, won't break your heart, and isn't like other guys. Just for you, we are SLASHING PRICES!! That's right, you heard it here, he has manners and he won't beat your ass. BUY NOW! If I ever date any of you, but then again yall read this tripe so I think you will probably keep your distance, I will try to hide certain things about myself. The fact that I have a "hit first" mentality when it comes to random assholes gets stuffed back in the closet, the fact that I have trust issues will just be covered up with a blanket momentarily, the fact that I come quicker than police at a rap concert gets stuffed in the attic for now, I want to impress her for Christs sake! This is also, I would say for men and women, the point where you figure out if this is going to be something you want to pursue relationship-wise, or just a friend who you sporadically exchanges sexual fluids with. You may also find yourself possibly doing things that are against your better judgment.(i.e Men, charm the hell out of her trifling ass whore girlfriends. Even help her brother by kicking a guy in the face that is beating his ass, I did that. Ladies, be nice and cordial to his crackfein mother. Even fool his chronic masturbating friends that you aren't like "every other chick". Shit like that.)

The Relationship: When someone tells me, "I am so happy in my relationship now" I always say that I am "happy for them", but in reality I know that this euphoric feeling shall pass. Not trying to be a pessimist, but everything is "great" now because it is still brand new and that person hasn't had the proper time to irritate the living piss out of you yet. Slowly, day by day, both of you start to take off the mask and expose who you really are. Day 75: The Man: Why is she wearing those granny panties, looks like something you would wash your car with. The Woman: No he didn't call my cousin a "inbred uncle tom son of a bitch, just for supporting Bush. The Man: I can see a comb, I can see her hair products, could she have used that shit today? Her hair looks like a hornet's nest. The woman: Who in the hell told him that giving me a dutch oven was funny?(That is where, while laying in bed, the man pulls the covers over his lover's head while farting.) That shit is disgusting, and his ass laughed for about a half hour.

If it is early enough, and the other persons true idiosyncrasies are too much to handle, it probably isn't to late to cut and run. But, if their quirky ways are "cute" to you, the you may be one your way to wedded bliss and the possibly to alimony payments. But, don't let me get ahead of myself.

The 2nd act: By this point either you have met your soul mate(albeit momentarily) or you are like a guy on death row, being in a fucked up situation waiting for either you or her to "pull the switch". You have probably had a few knock down drag-out arguments by now so you can tell if that is the individual that you can see spending your life with. For example: I was in a long term relationship with someone who liked to argue, and she knew that I have a sharp tongue, so she would instigate shit all the time. But the thing with me is, if it is a real argument I can see the error of my ways and end it, or just end it because it is unhealthy. But with her, being that I despised her instigating the whole thing, my tongue would get machete-like and I would say some hurtful things. I had to end that relationship because I could see her slicing my throat in my sleep. Anyway, if things aren't going well, you find yourself having sex more infrequently, not talking as much, finding unique reasons to stay away from the house, and even contemplating hiring a hit-man if that woman tells me one more time what her "man-less" friends think about me.

This would be the paragraph were I talk about "if things ARE going well", but how in the fuck would I know about that??? I am a single, 32 year old stocky fucker who maintains a blog, and balances his time writing and masturbating so much that you would think my penis had an expiration date on it. Go ask the married fuckers about that shit.

The Break-up: Everything in life is cyclical, because the break-up is similar to the courtship, a whole like of disguise wearing. When a particular woman and I broke up I had problems eating, poured my heart out to my boys like I was on Oprah, and spent more time on the couch than Al Bundy, watching movies, saying shit like "Me and her used to do that". Sad. But, the image that I portrayed to her was a partying, drinking, womanizing, a "having a great time because I'm not restrained by the chains of relationship" type of guy. I viewed her at the time was a "I am woman hear me roar", life of the party, dating multiple men kind of woman, but in reality she lost a lot of weight like I did and was more miserable than I was. The wicked games we play.

Take it from me, one thing you want to avoid, especially if you deeply love them, is sex with the ex. It is kind of being in rehab for a drug addiction, but see nothing wrong with occasionally getting high on "special occasions". I doesn't work like that homey, make a clean break.(Even though, if some of my ex's called me for a "late night rendevouz", I would dive in that shit faster than Greg Louganis on crack. But I digress) Also, it is weird, but if you were in a long term relationship, afterwards you always wonder if you are truly over it. Even years later, you quietly wonder "Am I finally cool with that, or am I still in some sort of pain?" Recently, the woman I was with for 6 years who dropped me like a bad habit called me. So told me that she was getting married in October, so I did what any asshole would do in that situation, I said that I was happy for her. When I hung the phone up it was like taking a hit of some weed, trying to figure out when the high would kick in. I felt cool with it, I didn't feel hurt or upset, I guess I'm finally over it. A few days later that "relationship weed" still hasn't kicked it, thank god I am actually over it. Whew, it only took 5 years, no sweat!