Friday, September 09, 2005

A Relationship: The Cliff-notes version

When I went to my 10 year High School reunion a few years back I didn't know if I should even attend. I mean, I had pretty decent memories of High School, I beat up about 10 bullies in a 3 year period, I did my best to see more vagina than a GYN, people generally liked me, I really didn't have any complaints. The reason why I had reservations was because for one thing I was living a lie, because inside I was a nerd who liked to skateboard, so I should have been treated like the other outcasts in my school but I wasn't. But, because I was on the track team and I would hit people out of frustration quicker than Mike Tyson at a spelling bee, I got propelled to "popular status" in my school. I kept on waiting for a group of individuals in a lynch mob, holding torches and such, confronting me in the halls one day screaming, "He's an impostor, he isn't one of us!! Get him!!" Those issues aside I went to my reunion and had a great time, the "nerds" were now rich and had hot ass wives, the "jocks" and "popular" guys all looked 20 years older than they actually were and resembled Norm from cheers and shit.(Karma is a bitch) Also, there were a handful of women who expressed the secret love they had for me ten years previously, to the point where I screamed "Why didn't you say anything!! We could have been great together, not in a "High School romance" way but in a "I'm going to have sex with you, brag to my friends about it, and add you as a notch on my belt" way. Damn, I've said too much." But all in all I hated school period, the only classes I looked forward too was Gym and Lunch, and maybe Spanish but only because there was a rumor that Ms. Rivera was fucking students and I wanted to see if I had a shot.

The one thing that sticks out about High School is my trusted friend, the almighty "Cliff notes". There was no other resource for lazy fucks like myself who hated to read at the time like that lovely yellow pamphlet. Teachers would always say shit like, "Cliff-notes won't help you, I will be asking questions that aren't in there!!" But come test time, everything that she put on the test I already knew by reading my trusted "cliff notes", so fuck her with her pedestrian threats. I wish that someone provided a Cliff notes edition on dating and relationships. Fuck it, I have a blog, let me give it a shot.

Dating/Courtship: This is by far the fakest part of the entire process as you will see. As much as people say that they don't put on facades during this period, they lie, because this is the equivalent to the "sales pitch". Car Salesman: Ladies, look at this late model African American male we have here. (kicking the tires) Low mileage, won't break your heart, and isn't like other guys. Just for you, we are SLASHING PRICES!! That's right, you heard it here, he has manners and he won't beat your ass. BUY NOW! If I ever date any of you, but then again yall read this tripe so I think you will probably keep your distance, I will try to hide certain things about myself. The fact that I have a "hit first" mentality when it comes to random assholes gets stuffed back in the closet, the fact that I have trust issues will just be covered up with a blanket momentarily, the fact that I come quicker than police at a rap concert gets stuffed in the attic for now, I want to impress her for Christs sake! This is also, I would say for men and women, the point where you figure out if this is going to be something you want to pursue relationship-wise, or just a friend who you sporadically exchanges sexual fluids with. You may also find yourself possibly doing things that are against your better judgment.(i.e Men, charm the hell out of her trifling ass whore girlfriends. Even help her brother by kicking a guy in the face that is beating his ass, I did that. Ladies, be nice and cordial to his crackfein mother. Even fool his chronic masturbating friends that you aren't like "every other chick". Shit like that.)

The Relationship: When someone tells me, "I am so happy in my relationship now" I always say that I am "happy for them", but in reality I know that this euphoric feeling shall pass. Not trying to be a pessimist, but everything is "great" now because it is still brand new and that person hasn't had the proper time to irritate the living piss out of you yet. Slowly, day by day, both of you start to take off the mask and expose who you really are. Day 75: The Man: Why is she wearing those granny panties, looks like something you would wash your car with. The Woman: No he didn't call my cousin a "inbred uncle tom son of a bitch, just for supporting Bush. The Man: I can see a comb, I can see her hair products, could she have used that shit today? Her hair looks like a hornet's nest. The woman: Who in the hell told him that giving me a dutch oven was funny?(That is where, while laying in bed, the man pulls the covers over his lover's head while farting.) That shit is disgusting, and his ass laughed for about a half hour.

If it is early enough, and the other persons true idiosyncrasies are too much to handle, it probably isn't to late to cut and run. But, if their quirky ways are "cute" to you, the you may be one your way to wedded bliss and the possibly to alimony payments. But, don't let me get ahead of myself.

The 2nd act: By this point either you have met your soul mate(albeit momentarily) or you are like a guy on death row, being in a fucked up situation waiting for either you or her to "pull the switch". You have probably had a few knock down drag-out arguments by now so you can tell if that is the individual that you can see spending your life with. For example: I was in a long term relationship with someone who liked to argue, and she knew that I have a sharp tongue, so she would instigate shit all the time. But the thing with me is, if it is a real argument I can see the error of my ways and end it, or just end it because it is unhealthy. But with her, being that I despised her instigating the whole thing, my tongue would get machete-like and I would say some hurtful things. I had to end that relationship because I could see her slicing my throat in my sleep. Anyway, if things aren't going well, you find yourself having sex more infrequently, not talking as much, finding unique reasons to stay away from the house, and even contemplating hiring a hit-man if that woman tells me one more time what her "man-less" friends think about me.

This would be the paragraph were I talk about "if things ARE going well", but how in the fuck would I know about that??? I am a single, 32 year old stocky fucker who maintains a blog, and balances his time writing and masturbating so much that you would think my penis had an expiration date on it. Go ask the married fuckers about that shit.

The Break-up: Everything in life is cyclical, because the break-up is similar to the courtship, a whole like of disguise wearing. When a particular woman and I broke up I had problems eating, poured my heart out to my boys like I was on Oprah, and spent more time on the couch than Al Bundy, watching movies, saying shit like "Me and her used to do that". Sad. But, the image that I portrayed to her was a partying, drinking, womanizing, a "having a great time because I'm not restrained by the chains of relationship" type of guy. I viewed her at the time was a "I am woman hear me roar", life of the party, dating multiple men kind of woman, but in reality she lost a lot of weight like I did and was more miserable than I was. The wicked games we play.

Take it from me, one thing you want to avoid, especially if you deeply love them, is sex with the ex. It is kind of being in rehab for a drug addiction, but see nothing wrong with occasionally getting high on "special occasions". I doesn't work like that homey, make a clean break.(Even though, if some of my ex's called me for a "late night rendevouz", I would dive in that shit faster than Greg Louganis on crack. But I digress) Also, it is weird, but if you were in a long term relationship, afterwards you always wonder if you are truly over it. Even years later, you quietly wonder "Am I finally cool with that, or am I still in some sort of pain?" Recently, the woman I was with for 6 years who dropped me like a bad habit called me. So told me that she was getting married in October, so I did what any asshole would do in that situation, I said that I was happy for her. When I hung the phone up it was like taking a hit of some weed, trying to figure out when the high would kick in. I felt cool with it, I didn't feel hurt or upset, I guess I'm finally over it. A few days later that "relationship weed" still hasn't kicked it, thank god I am actually over it. Whew, it only took 5 years, no sweat!

43 comments:

Thinkerbelle said...

You are absolutely nuts Critic! Cliff Notes...classic!

Oliviasmommi said...

Everything I want to say comes off sounding way too personal to post on your blog...lol...so I will just shoot you an e-mail later *wink*. Great post as always!

Chele said...

Even if we DID have relationship Cliff Notes, we would STILL mess it all up.

Folks would be skipping all the vital stuff, trying to get to the "good part" because we are impatient. We'd skip to the love-making scenes, without reading about the love part first.

We'd quote lines from it half-assed (like we do the bible) trying to convince everyone else of how perfect we are and the reason things didn't work out is because everything that went wrong was the other person's fault. Some of us need Cliff Notes on the Cliff Notes.

Neil said...

It is definitely time to throw away all these shitty books I bought on "relationships" that just make the authors rich. Now I have the Cliff Notes to what I've been doing wrong all my life. I'm printing this out and carrying it around when I go bar-hopping tonight.

glory said...

damn if you wasn't telling the truth, too...

brooklyn babe said...

Oh dear Ike... I'm at day 75... and keep wondering what day 76 will bring... I have committment issues!
So day 77 scares me... so I'm going to come back and finish studying these clip notes...
-Lata "Tina" aka BK Babe

totolehero said...

so my question to you HC is why are you still single ??

Amadeo said...

The thing is even with Cliff notes I would procrastinate and then start reading them right before things went down...Hey, not even spite sex with the ex?

aplomb said...

Very interesting Blog, I enjoied reading your thoughts, I also totally agree with you in many respects. I had a recent incident where a person i was seeing for several years break up with me this past March, and I just found out the other day his lying ass got married...guess im still waiting for that high too...lol

Keep up the good work!

CL said...

I've been reading your blog for a couple weeks now. You are officially part of my "take-a-break-so-you-don't-shoot-someone" time at work. Another great post. Thanks!

Garrett said...

Great Post

Jdid said...

"if things are going well?" you mean that actually happens i thought it was an urban myth. :-)

feels good b n FREE said...

i'm holdin out tho...one day....one day

SP said...

You are so crazy. Thanks for the tips. I'll have to keep them in mind. ;o)

Princess Pessimism said...

You know whats funny? Everyone has a story that can relate to your post...and Grantid...it's brilliant. Becuase i'm going through that now....I wonder how many people I see daily are going through the same thing that everyone goes through at one point.

Is it so hard to meet people becuase everyone is afraid to take a chance and have that chance fail? Again? I'm starting to get SICK of guys....They're caused me nothing but stress and heartbreak.

But i'm not cynical at all...LOL

E_1979 said...

THe books work. Just actually try what they say without putting your emotions or your ego into it.

Well certian books work .... Barbara Deangelis. What women want men to know and the secrets about men ...

Those are the "cliff notes" of relationships.......... she open you up to a whole different healthier way of looking at relationships....

the difficulty is letting go of emotions.. if you come from fucked up beginnings we are people of habit and our emotions will tell us... DO LIKE YOU DID IN THE PAST FUCK IT UP .... so yeah..

Sometimes I find it hard to let go ... like an ex of mine got married ... then divorced then called me up ... it's like ..... shit I had got over it but ... it was hard saying no cause one side of me will always want that connection we once had but the logical side knows that can never be we broke up for a reason and stealing a phrase from the ebony columist..

old flames should be doused completely out !!!!!!! That's a good rule cuase nothing good ever comes from them only trouble

zander said...

Nice. Now when a friend calls me up for relationship advice at 3:30 in the morning, I can direct him to your Cliff Notes instead of actually having to pay attention...j/k

Great post & blog.

Dr. Deborah Serani said...

You blog is filled with such great writing, humor and dead-on points that you make. There really is nothing worse than a smart-ass therapist! I will be back to visit often, and I promise, no sassing on my comments!

Inside Man said...

Everybody wears the mask in their relationship because a lot of people are not as happy as the portrait they paint. I think it takes a strong person to break it off early before it turn into a disaster. Compfort is what stagnates lovers from really pitching how they really feel. Shit gets easy after a while and its difficult to start from scratch with a new person.

lady in satin said...

I've been in my relationship now for 3 years. The masks quickly flew off when we moved in together, last year in May. Lawd knows we've been through our ups and our downs, but we're still together and happy!

Mr. HC, I wish you the best in your next relationship. Hopefully, she's be Mrs. Right.

=)

bee said...

I don't think you need to hear it again...but if you enjoy that type of thing.

"Your blog is really good."

msjaim said...

Man, u spit some truth in that.. the main thing I advocate is the clean break, I was w/a brother for 5 yrs we've been broken up for 5 yrs & just recently made a clean break ( um, I think).. Im sitting here trying not to IM this man, Yet I digress, relationships are hard work, but being single is overrated.. I have no one to talk cartoons w/ on saturday mornings and on the adult swim nights, i have no ones x-box to boguard..
:(...& i think im starting to get carpel tunnel syndrome-yikes!

MIKE DA HAT said...

I had the why didn't you say something routine when I went to a reunion. All I could think of was Damn! Damn! Damn! But then back then I was a bag of teenage angst and insecurities. So that's my excuse.

Deepa said...

whoa! and i used to think i was the high priestess of cynicism!! great thoughts. but then even if we had a bible for relationships, we would still mess up. shall keep coming back. drop in on my blog sometime!
regards.

Dr. D. said...

"I am a single, 32 year old stocky fucker who maintains a blog, and balances his time writing and masturbating so much that you would think my penis had an expiration date on it."

Bwoy HC..you gimme a good rass laugh here on the morning of my 42nd birthday. I wonder what the expiration date on my dick is? (Somehow I don't think it has passed yet!)

Id it is said...

Unfortunately, relationships are not a 'sum zero' game; no amount of strategizing helps! The other person's move can change the entire face of the game! Might want to read up on Game Theory to minimize losses.

Lou Lou said...

i would never attend a reunion. no one gave a shit about me then, why should they now?
yes i know i'm more gorgeous than i was, yes i know i've made a success of my life, but somehow i really don't want to rub their noses in it, why shatter their illusions?
* some of the above may or may not be true lol

the peregrine said...

"I will try to hide certain things about myself."

Yeah... I thought about this recently. Of course I hate to hide things from people when they are getting to know me. But... I do. Not in a, I'm trying to impress you type of way because I feel like that is so insincere. But in a I'm feeling you out, sizing you up so that I can make a somewhat educated decision whether or not to let you into my life way. Why do I do this?... becuase I too have trust issues. And God help the man that wins me over and that's in it for the long haul...

True... some things are best left unsaid and unseen until the time is appropriate of course. But w2ith a lot of things, fuck it! Why stress yourself out because of what some else might think of you. If they are turned off, then chalk it. Obviously they don't have depth. Why do you want to swin in shallow waters?... that's no fun.

the peregrine said...

Oh yeah, thanks for stopping by HC and congrats on the awards you've definitely earned them :)

Theresa said...

just so you don't ask me why i never told you in twenty years...i have a crush on you...not the "I am a silly blogger groupie, and would meet you in a dark alley to show my appreciation for your blog but couldn't tell you one subject you wrote about" but more like a "your honest and open subjects draw me to your blog each day" sort of crush. just so you know.

:-)

ME said...

forget that...i DO want to meet you in a dark alley and show my appreciation for your blog, but could also tell you what you are FEELING when you write them!!

The "D" Enigma said...

Wow, not even sure if you will "C" my comment, but alas I will leave it - your post is cute - at least it started out that way, but I couldn't finish it - I mean break it up - think of your blog as cliff notes, give it some damn chapters!

Oh this is so not me - I am the Intrepid Soul, but something about your blog brings out da bronx in me!

IS

Natasha said...

Wassup Critic!

Congrats on all your well-earned awards.

My name is Natasha Eubanks. I'm a first year law student at Loyola University of New Orleans (yes, I've been displaced for now) and I have started a weblog that is like no other. It's called Young, Black, and Fabulous! I would like to have it talked about/link posted/shouted out on this website cuz yours is fabulous.

My blog is the US Weekly and In Touch weekly for Black Hollywood. I'm a gossip fanatic who craves more black gossip. Since black celebs are not focused on in traditional media, I decided to focus on them myself. I grab tidbits of news from EVERYWHERE and put it all together in a very entertaining and funny way. This is something that the black entertainment/literary community is missing and what I KNOW the community wants. I prove it with my abnormal amount of visitors per day.

I've only been blogging about 2 months and have had over 45,000 visitors so far. Even people in Denmark are and other countries are following my blog. Most blogs don't get those numbers in years even. I'm being syndicated by readers and recognized by the large, very well known entertainment blogs. Please help me to get the word out about my blog to our black community that loves literature and entertainment...just like me. This blog should be put on blast in the best way. I update daily. You will not be disappointed.

Thank you,

Natasha Eubanks
http://ybf.blogspot.com
natasharenee1913@yahoo.com

Guila said...

Kick ass post Critic. Made me laugh a bit

theclamwhisperer said...

GREAT post. You better be spending your time writing a book. All the thoughts about the past and dangling loves reminds me of something I just read in the New Yorker. Cool short by Ann Beattie. She wrote, "Some things - people,even - disappear, then something else comes in to replace them. Life is like having a garden because inevitably the time comes when the deer eat everything, or you don't mulch and the soil gets exhausted. Right away, the weeds are in there. So I suppose what I'm getting at is that, well, tending your garden seems to me now like a young man's game. When you don't have the inclination or the energy or the...optimism to tend it anymore, the weeds rush in. The moment you stop loving something, the moment you're inattentive, the wrong things and the wrong people take over." Just a thought...one I'm milling over tonight.

Love said...

goos post. usually in the story of my relationship someone always enter. i have ever been broken up with but life isnt finish as yet.

**RPM** said...

Love is like dressing in the dark for work. it's weird...but follow me for a sec...

By the time you realize you might have made a poor decision or two on your ensemble, you're already there...and trying to figure out how to make the most of the crap you put on.

You hope no one notices those mismatched socks, or that button that's missing on your blouse. What does it prove? Two things....1) A little preparation goes a long way, but we think because we've been doing it for years, we can take some stuff for granted. 2) The minute you DO take some things for granted...BAM. You're looking like a fool at the coffee machine.

Brown Shuga said...

Normally, I would have read all of the comments. But dammit. I didn't. So I just sifted through them. I came across one that said something about you needing to go ahead and write that book. I TOTALLY, TOTALLY agree. You have GREAT material here. Great material. I'd definitely buy your shit AND recommend it to my man-less friends. LOL

brownsugarenterprises2.blogsome.com

melette said...

Interesting read.

surly girl said...

christmas day last year, my Ex gave me a card that said "to my wife at christmas" and tried to snog me. (i'd gone over to see Small Person open her pressies)i was out of there so fast it was like i was on wheels.

uuuurgh.

CaffeineDiva said...

I usually don't make it to day 75!
I have serious trust/commitment issues... so the Cliff-notes version of relationships is all I do anyway!
Good Post Fucker!

Luke Cage said...

Shaking my head with admiration. You never cease to amaze me with your writing skills man. Very eloquently stated. Nice job as always...

E said...

Wow...impressive Cliff notes. I need to take notes now.