A couple of months a friend of mine, who I have known for more than 20 years, asked me to join his recreation softball team. First I declined, thinking that it would take up my valuable time of masturbation and cursing out strangers, but I eventually accepted his offer because a brother could use more exercise in his life. Right after I agreed to join his team I warned him, saying "Look Marcus, I am very competitive, so if this one of those "lets just play for the love of it, and I might even laugh if I drop a pop fly type of shit then count my black ass out!!" He said that their team was very competitive, and that "my type of aggression" was needed, and that since I have always been a decent athlete that I would be a welcomed addition to their squad.
Being the consummate asshole that I am, the next few weeks before I joined the team I not only started working out like I was running a marathon, caught practice fly and ground balls that a friend of mine would hit to me daily, and lastly, I got a hitting coach. I know, getting a hitting coach seems kind of extreme for a slow pitch softball league, but nothing would be sexier to female onlookers then for me to strike a pose after I smash a ball out of the park, dreadlocks flowing in the wind, running the bases in slow motion.(It could happen!!) Anyway, I eventually joined the team, practiced for a few weeks, then we started to play our games on a weekly basis. The following acts, perpetrated by yours truly, are the main reasons why my teammates want me off the team, beat up, or want to see me erased from the face of the earth.
First Game:(Cardinals): This was the first game so I didn't do that well, I think I hit one single and grounded out twice. This particular game was the first chance that my dear teammates got to see what sort of asshole I was. The entire game, the opposing pitcher would scream shit to our pitcher while he was on the mound. Even though our pitcher is named Randy, and he is a ex-navy seal that would probably beat my ass within seconds, he seemed kind of rattled by the words coming out of this woman's mouth. Each inning she was shout things like, "You suck!! You should be pitching the kiddie league pal!!", common PG-13 type of stuff. This is the time I figured I would step up and defend my teammate, showing the others that I would have their back under any situation. So, while I was on the bench and she was pitching, I screamed, "Hey pitcher, you are one manly looking broad!!", making my teammates begin to laugh nervously. I continued with, "with all that hair on your face I think that magnum P.I was our opposing pitcher!!" By this time the entire opposing team is looking in my direction like they were going to do something, where I reply, "Come on guys, you know she's a man, yall have to help her "tape back her package" before every game. One word honey, five syllables, electrolysis!!" Now my teammates are "shushing" me, and literally covering my mouth. It is finally my turn to bat, and the pitcher was giving me the same look that an ex-girlfriend gave me when I drunkenly said that I wanted to have a three-way with her and her sister.
The first pitch came and I knocked it foul. The second pitch, I am embarrassed to say I swung on and missed, evoking laughter from the other bench. The next pitch came, I watched it decline, and when it got around mid-chest level I stepped back and cranked that motherfucker with all my might. I was shocked at how far it went, and I even had a chance to strike that sexy pose after it left my bat. To add insult to injury, as I approached first base I turned to the pitcher and said, "Come on, we all know that you are used to having balls being flung in your direction at high velocity!!" When I got to home base a few teammates were there to congratulate me, but the rest were on the bench hanging their head in shame.
Second Game:(Braves) By this time, similar to the way Monica Lewinsky feels, I was famous for all the wrong reasons. The good: A woman saying to me, "I heard what you did last week, you are a trip" as she batted her eyes and showed me cleavage that would make a gay man second guess his lifestyle. The bad: A member of the opposing team, a ex cop, who said, "If you try that shit with us you will be sorry!" Where I called him the slang term used for the vagina, and promised him that I would "bludgeon anyone motherucker who stepped to me!" while holding a Louisville slugger. Anyway, playfull bater aside, the game was going good, I had a couple RBI's and I was quiet most of the game. That was until I hit a single and became involved in a heated discussion with the opposing teams first baseman. He was saying things like, "Hey Bob Marley, you have any Ganja", based on the fact that I have dreadlocks, and a bunch of other shit that I retorted with questioning his manhood, telling him that his parents are siblings, and other pleasantries that go along with a friendly game of softball.
That was that, until I was up again and I hit a towering fly ball that seemed to not want to come down. I ran full speed even though I figured that it would be caught, as I approached first base. As I crossed first base I noticed that that same first baseman was in my base-path about to catch the ball. In a move that I thought was legal, and all you sports buffs correct me if I'm wrong, I proceeded in running him over, hitting him like I was Ray Lewis punishing a wide receiver who attempted to catch a ball anywhere in his vicinity. The guy went air born, flailing like a bird with a broken wing, as the ball landed right beside his lifeless(albeit momentarily) body and I trotted calmly to second base. Some of his teammates ran out, calling me everything from an asshole to a son of a bitch, and saying that I needed to calm down. To my surprise, my teammates came to my aid, even my republican teammate that has to be 55 years old and looked like the mother that played on the Brady Bunch. We ended up wining the game which I was happy about, but after staring down the other team as they walked to their car, my teammates said that they wanted to have a team meeting with me as soon as possible. I didn't go to that meeting, which angered them even more..
Third Game:(Orioles): This was possibly my last game since they were stewing about the fact that I had skipped out on their meeting. I wasn't trying to be a prick, maybe I was, but I already pay a shitload of money to a chick that analyzes how much a asshole I am, I don't need to be told that by people who probably consider Bill O'Reilly a news source and probably voted for Bush because "John Kerry looks French!!" Fuck that! As the game went on my teammates started to warm up to me again, primarily because I was being supportive to teammates as they stepped up to bat. That game I had a triple and a couple of doubles, I was doing good and so far no profanity laced outbursts. That was until I saw something that pissed me off beyond belief. When I learned that my teammate named Nancy had a boyfriend on the opposing team, it really didn't bother me that much. That was until she rounded third base, and as she approached home base to score and tie the game, she failed to slide and just giggled as her boyfriend politely tagged her out.
I'm sorry, this is going to sound harsh, but if my girlfriend is playing on the opposing team as their catcher and I am running to home base, I am running her sorry ass the fuck over. I'm just that competitive, either she will get over it and we can have make-up sex later, or she will know to not play catcher whenever my team plays hers. Anyway, I was outraged and my team even agreed with me, albeit silently. When she came back to the bench I said, "What in the fuck was that?? Talk about conflict of interest!!" Then she said, "Shut the fuck HumanityCritic, my boyfriend will kick your ass!!" I just smiled and said, "OK, I hear you" About a half hour later I found myself on third base, waiting for someone to bring me home. Randy, our pitcher, hit a ground ball that rolled past the second baseman. The center fielder ran to retrieve the ball, and threw it towards home plate as I ran faster than Celine Dion runs from a sandwich. Even though judging by the catchers stance the ball was nowhere near getting me out, and I could have just stepped on the plate and kept it moving, but since he was crouched down I proceeded in running him over with the force of a mack truck. As he laid out flat on his back, and the ball came down like a full second later, I got up off of him and said, "Don't get up motherfucker!! Nancy ran on the field and quickly came to the aid of her man, acting like I had shot his ass or something. He was OK, just a bit groggy, but I had to laugh when Nancy screamed, "HumanityCritic, when my man regains consciousness he is going to whip your ass!" Because that is a common play, my teammates weren't really mad at that in particular, just the accumulation of incidents over the past few weeks. My friend called me and told me that people hate him for bringing me on, and that asking me on the team was a big mistake on his part. I told him, "Motherfucker you know how I am, I even warned you so stop being a bitch!" OK, I shouldn't have gone there, did I ever mention that I could be shitty friend sometimes??