Friday, September 23, 2005

Freestyle battle: HumanityCritic vs. Bush: Live at the Superdome!

(Scene starts with HumanityCritic having many drinks with Howard Dean in a Strip Club somewhere in Virginia Beach. Both, completely shitfaced)

(Howard placing a few dollars in front of a stripper named Cadillac)

Howard Dean:(to stripper) Shake that ass baby! You know what daddy likes!!

HumanityCritic: Howard, what has gotten into you lately? You don't drink, you are happily married, what's up man?

Howard Dean:(throwing back a shot) Well, I am so sick and fucking tired of people calling Clinton the "first black president"! I'm sick of trying to pick up some fine young "thang" and then having her ask me, "Can you hook me up with Bill Clinton?" What in the fuck is that? Hey, I love black folks, and when you compare our politics over the past year I have been a lot more "gangsta"!

HumanityCritic:(pausing because of him using the word "gangsta"): For one thing Howard, look at Bill over there.(Points at Bill Clinton where he is sitting with a slew of ladies) See, he is a bona fide pimp, he has that big booty chick from the OutKast Video on one arm, that "Superhead" chick on the other arm, and sitting on his lap is.... Wait a minute, is that the white chick who played "Kelly" in "Breakin"?

Howard Dean:(putting on glasses, then squinting) Nawww, that ain't her dude.

HumanityCritic: Anyway, Bill is a pimp and you(putting a mirror up to his face) are the same type of motherfucker that I would have gotten my biology answers from in High School. You just have to play your position Howie.

Howard Dean: Man, fuck you HumanityCrtic! Anyway, what are you going to do about Katrina?

HumanityCritic: Hey, that kid ain't mine, I don't care what she says!! Plus dude, I was wearing a condom, plastic gloves, and a oxygen mask because I was scared to catch any type of disease from her triffling ass. She is almost as nasty as that whore of a blogger who tried to diss me yesterday. Whatever she told you, her ass is lying!

Howard Dean:(shaking head): No you silly son of a bitch, Hurricane Katrina!! Jesus..

HumanityCritic: Oh. You know how I feel, you read my blog don't you.

Howard Dean: No.

HumanityCritic: So that wasn't you posting anonymously when I gave you props some months back? The person kept saying "Howard Dean is a hot piece of ass!" and "That Doctor can take my temperature anytime"! Motherfucker, only you talk like that!!

Howard Dean: Well, I..

HumanityCritic:(interrupting)..and before you say anything I tracked that shit back to your office.

Howard Dean: OK, guilty as charged. If you feel so strongly about Hurricane Katrina and the incompetence around it, battle Bush. Battle that motherfucker and hold his ass accountable. You gotta represent son!(beating chest)

HumanityCritic: "Gotta represent"? Where did that come from?

Howard Dean: I have been playing a shitload of old school Hip Hop lately, sorry.

HumanityCritic: Listen, I already battled Bush, twice. That shit is getting old man, I'm just not into it.

(Bill O'Reilly is sititng at the other end of the bar, possible harassing some more of his interns, and in a drunken stooper he yells:)

Bill O'Reilly: Because you are scared to battle him, pussy. You and your *hiccup* liberal agenda, blaming Bush for everything. I heard through the *hiccup* grapevine that Bush has been practicing and he has something for your hubcap stealing ass!

HumanityCritic:(Looks at Howard Dean) OK, I'm in, only if your tree hugging ass will be my DJ. What do you say?

Howard Dean: No doubt, we gonna(throws up gang signs) "serve these fools something proper-like"!

HumanityCritic: Stop fucking doing that! But first, lets whip Bill O'Reilly's ass, I love to hear that bastard cry.

Howard Dean: Lets do it.

(HumanityCritic and Howard Dean commence in beating the living shit out of that blowhard Bill O'Reilly. Damn!! I know that I am only the commentator here, but Howard Dean is beating his monkey ass! HumanityCritic literally has a shoe stuck in Mr. O'Reilly's ass!!.)

(A week later, after all the particulars were worked out and Bush accepted HumanityCritic's challenge, it was HC's turn to pick the venue. That venue, was the Louisiana Superdome.)

Brian Williams: This is Brian Williams from NBC News and I would like to welcome all of you to the battle of all battles: HumanityCritic vs. Bush: Live at the Superdome! Bush has been taking more heat than a prostitute in hell, and HumanityCritic has just come from, well, being a horny black bastard that even a local porn video store owner has characterized as "one sick son of a bitch" It should be interesting, here is Michael Buffer with the introductions.

(Mic drops down out of nowhere)

Michael Buffer: Ladies and Gentlemen, in the great state of Louisiana we bring you a battle of the ages. One that will be fought to the lyrical death, with one man standing and one man standing in his own urine, simply embarrassing the shit out of himself. For Bush, he has to explain a slow response time to this tragedy. HumanitCritic, well, he has to tear Bush a new one, bust a ill rhyme flow, and keep his hands off the Bush twins' tits.

HumanityCritic:(quickly releasing the tits of the Bush twins) What!!

Michael Buffer: Leeets Get Ready to Ruuuumble!

Michael Buffer: In this corner, wearing cowboy boots, a cowboy hat, and some old jeans that I guess makes him seem more like a "down-home boy" to simple Americans.. George W. Bush!

(Bush jogs in with Rush Limbaugh and Dick Cheney, but has to keep stopping because of the pills falling out of Rush's pockets and the 5 heart attacks Cheney had within a 20 meter distance.)

Michael Buffer: In the other corner, wearing shell-toe Adidas, camouflage shorts, and a shirt that says "Barbara Bush is a silly Bitch" on it, HumanityCritic!

(HumanityCritic jogs in to Public Enemy's "Prophets of Rage", with Howard Dean and Barack Obama jogging along side of him)

Michael Buffer: Gentlemen, whenever you're ready.

George W. Bush: Put the record on DJ!!

(Rush Limbaugh throws on a instrumental to Arrested Development's "Tennessee")

George Bush:(turns to the already angry crowd) See, I'm representing!!

HumanityCritic: That song is called "Tennessee", we are in New Orleans you dumb fuck!

George Bush: Oh. Here we go.

I'm George Bush and I'm one bad sum' bitch/
HumanityCritic will try to say that I'm only for the rich/
All of YOU are the same, making me the main blame/
When you fail to look at the Governor, or the Mayor "what's his name"/
I got off of vacation, you silly black bastard/
Now everyone's going bat-shit, concerning how slow I reacted/
Look at what I have to deal with, this shit and Iraq/
Now people are saying that I hate you because you're black/
I have many black friends, I would have you to know/
I'm cool with Willy our Gardener, and that colored guy who shovels my snow/
Condi is my home-girl, she taught me how to "Crip walk"/
People are dying in New Orleans, and all you can do is shit talk?/
No one could have foreseen the damage that would be done/
You think this shit is fun, Kerry would have "cut and run"/
Michael Chertoffs handling business, doing a good job I vow/
FEMA's doing fine now, you can't fuck with my rhyme pal/
I see Howard Dean's on your squad, god damn you're a sucker/
I'm George W. Bush and I run this motherfucker!
/

(George Bush throws his mic down and raises his hands in victory. The crowd, mostly people affected by his utter incompetence, are booing him and giving him the finger. The only ones clapping are Barbara Bush and George Sr, both wearing matching "Oh Shit, I see black people" T-shirts. Ann Coulter is applauding via satellite, doing a break-dance routine for the camera. The Bush Twins are also applauding, but at the same time they are mouthing the words, "we-wanna-have-your-baby-HumanityCritic")

Michael Buffer: HC, you're up!

HumanityCritic: Howard, put the record on.

(He throws on the instrumental of Notorious B.I.G's "Kick in the Door")

HumanityCritic: OK, here we go.

(To Crowd)

Now Throw your hands in the air, and waive em' like you just don't care/
If you think George Bush is an incompetent fuck, somebody say "Oh Yeah!!"
/

Superdome Crowd: Ohhh Yeaaah!!

I've beaten you twice before so this shit isn't new/
But I have so much rage, Barbara won't recognize you when I'm through/
While people were dying, suffering and aching/
Your bitch ass was chilling, not wanting to come off of your vacation/
Meteorologists have been saying for years that a disastrous hurricane would hit/
So please save me the "aww shucks routine", and the "No one could have foreseen" bullshit/
People were dying in the thousands, dead bodies floating like buoys in the water/
I have to ask you, would you have responded faster if they looked like your daughter?/
If it was Salt Lake City, or your home state of Connecticut, Please no more lies/
The American people have eyes, you can't spin this into "Freedom Fries"/
Or "He voted For it before he voted against it", or "John Kerry looks french"/
Take a deep breath George, you can smell the dead body stench!/
You gutted FEMA, this debacle was a no-brainer/
And who do you hire to run it? A motherfucking horse trainer??/
As you got out of your leer, and spewed a apology that sounded somewhat sincere/
But ask any one, you don't get any credit admitting what's crystal clear./
You're all mirrors and smoke and the following you can quote/
Because of this mess, in 08' republicans can forget about the black vote!
/

(The crowd goes crazy as HC throws his arms up in victory. Bush, "sell-out" Condi, Cheney, and all of Bush's posse are whisked away immediately. Hillary Clinton and Maxine Waters are doing the "kid n play" dance. Ted Kennedy is doing one mean cabbage patch, all while not spilling a drop of his scotch! In excitement, Howard Dean grabs the mic from HumanityCritic:)

Howard Dean:(Excited, too excited) Yeeeeeeaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh!

HumanityCritic:(grabs the mic back): Give me that you fucking psycho! Hey Howard, who is that white girl busting those serious break-dance moves in front of Bill Clinton?

(Howard and HumanityCritic focus in to see who it is)

HumanityCritic and Howard Dean:(In unison) That IS that white girl who played the character of "Kelly" in "Breakin'!! Ohh Shit!

HumanityCritic: Come on Howard, lets see what we can do to help around here.

50 comments:

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Georgiapeach said...

This post is sick. I am laughing so hard. I see why you won best blog and everything else. How original!!! I love it. Best post yet. So unique and creative. I am shocked. This post was really good. Keep wup the excellent work.

Jarrod Halsey said...

First of all, I love your site. I read a few other blogs regularly, but yours definitely stands out mainly because of your brutal honesty. I've always believed that your not being honest until you can admit your own faults and reading your blog inspires me to do the same on mine.

HOWEVER

PLEASE stop battling Bush. As hard as it is to believe that he is STILL president, it is even harder to imagine that he has the intellect, creativity or grasp of the enlish language to string together two lines that might right. Let alone entire battles.

cera said...

HC you are the man. battle rapper extraordinaire! i love it when you make me laugh.

petrow said...

You should be president, thats all i have t say about that, and when u do become the commander and chief, tie bush to one of the uprights and let the new orleans saints place kicker just kicking punting the ball @ him.

DM said...

You are crazy as hell...this is hilarious...only thing that was missing was the shootout/riot that follows most high energy rap concerts...I'm usre would've followed this one.

melette said...

That was tight.

CaffeineDiva said...

I LOVE YOU FUCK FACE!
This shit is bananas.B-A-N-A-N-A-S.
You are one talented guy, but you know Bush's Freestyle wouldn't have been HALF as good as you wrote it.

Ddot the King said...

Good post. Very entertaining.

chiseven said...

No wonder you won all those awards.
Keep it up man. Your blog is nice.

Ms Peculiar said...

OK the term "Throat Chop" is now officially added to my favorite phrases and things to do category.

Dubya couldn't have possibly come up with the lyical battle that we have witnessed here. Is it possible that Condi and Colin bribed some of their "democratic cousins" to help them with this task? Inquiring minds want to know.

Is there a follow up to this story? hmm I shall tune in and see.
After I stop freaking laughing so damn hard. geez.

Starla Spaulding said...

OMG this was a great post. I had such a shitty start to my day and reading this made me smile.

Jdid said...

why wont bush ever learn

Amadeo said...

This makes me think...I wonder if Bush likes Cowboy Troy and those other Hick-Hop cats.

glory said...

maybe you can create the official soundtrack for the 08 campaign...

Dr. Deborah Serani said...

That was *so* funny.

feels good b n FREE said...

brilliant!

Reddy said...

Laughs.. hell 2 the naw @ superhead, the outkast chick, and kelly from breakin on his lap.. Thats mighty damn wild right there.. Exits snickering

q.B said...

Lol. I think next time you should have a WWE deathcage match with Bush and Condi v. you and Al Sharpton.

LivingSingle said...

Humanity Critic, you are certifiable lol. This post was TOO funny.

David said...

Great lyrics HC! Congratulations on your victory. :) Bush is a lying hypocritical bastard. I hope that Rita washes his house away!

LadyLee said...

HC, you are the man!
You beat his battle rhyme writers!!
What will you think of next??

Deirdre said...

ROLMAO @ GBushes...lil rap was it? That ish was Hee-Larry-Us!

Thanks though it made me think:)

lady in satin said...

You should write a screenplay.

Icey said...

HC. Stop. Playing. You KNOW Bush does not have such a command of the English language that he would have been remotely capable of piecing together any rap, especially one that uses 'big words' like "George Bush"

You are certifiable! I am in freaking tears, my stomach hurts from laughing so hard. You rawk!

piranha said...

hei hc i subscribe to all the good comments out there and just add that you are my nightly bread for latenightdiatribe readings....
yeah george bush should do more yoga and suck his own dick...
smiles
piranha

Brotha Buck said...

Humanity Critic and screaming Howard Dean...Lol!

miyna said...

now, you know you ain't right.

damn, i leave for a few days, and all hell breaks loose in the blogosphere. but then, this is you, so what the hell did i expect, right?

good one, son, good one.

Harold Gibson said...

Man you are off the meter, and damn literate too. This was tooo funny.

chi said...

i was gonna quote the funniest part of this post, but it was all funny. HC, you did it again...

Larri said...

I love this blog! Thanks for your visit, I'll come back to read u again.

A* said...

Oh Bwoy that some genius humor bruh! Busted a gut and gasped for air laughing at that one. Thing that caught me is how eerily serious this post is simultaneously.

peachy said...

I didn't have time to read this whole thing, but wanted to stop by and say hey. Congrats on the awards too. I voted but never checked on the results. Seeya.

Hypothetically Speaking said...

I miss readingyour posts. I tell ya - come the 22nd October (when the studying is done) I'm printing these thing like a book and I'm gonna catch up! lol

The studying is going pretty good (thanks for asking!)

Jazz said...

YOU ARE AWESOME.

gonebabygone said...

hahaha! I love it. As usual, you rock, HC. Oh and I voted for you and am glad that you won so many awards. You deserve it!

Running2Ks said...

Another classic!

Timmy said...

PURE.FUCKING.GOLD.

damion said...

*through tears* That is the best piece of writing i have had the joy of reading in years (and I'm an English Lit. Ph.D. student, so I read a lot).
On my Blog, You are my hero of the day! Thank you, thank you, thank you for making my world a better place.

rhein said...

you WON best blog?!?!? good deal, i knew there was a reason why your posts are still so enthralling.

BTW - i'd like to have a little word with your therapist (smiling.)

theclamwhisperer said...

You crack the hell out of me. The dialogue is up in there...best blog is right.

liberalprogressive said...

LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL!!!

That was hilarious! I'm always so serious trying to disect and analyze politics when discussing my pov. Its refreshing to read the work of someone whose not afraid to let go and aggressively satirize.

liberalprogressive said...

p.s....thanks for visiting my blog. come back anytime!

zezrie said...

LOL this was a brilliant piece of writing. I applaud your ballsy attitude. Oh, and thanks for stopping by my blog.

Brando said...

Much, much better than the end of 8 Mile ;-)

I dug the rap off and I have slightly less rhythm than Eugene Levy.

zencomix said...

Hey! Thanks for comment. Nice place you've got here.....

Kenya said...

Damn I love these!

chele said...

I'm glad I came across your blog. Clearly, you are out of your mind -- but in a good way. Appreciate the comment.

Sean Thomas said...

love your stuff, and i feel that we can help each other out in this weaking if the religous wrong...

and its so easy its almost feindinsh... SHOP MINORITY

if your gay then shop gay, or black or latin or asian

if your black, then shop black

latin.. eh your smart, you get the picture

if you cant find the right minority then shop someone who is "[insert minority name here] friendly"

as we take their money they lose power, and we gain the upper hand!

so. to sum up.. SHOP MINORITY!!!

Count said...

You silly as hell wit that shit!