Friday, February 16, 2007

Another thing that killed Hip Hop: No more songs about Venereal Disease

When it comes to sex I wish I was "similar to the thriller in manilla" as Biggie so succinctly put it, but in all actuality I'm as sexually adventurous as teenage dry-humping, or playing with your lovers genitals while wearing a surgeons gloves. Maybe I should be more sympathetic to peoples problems, but when I hear that some poor soul is dependent on a controlled substance my first reaction is for them to just "Stop doing it!!", when I hear some mid-western wife complaining that her husband is a sex addict immediately my first thought is "Dumb-ass, I don't see it as a problem if he only wants to fuck your mangy ass!!", rather pedestrian issues that pale in comparison to the gigantic problem that I've been dealing with since the early 90's. No it isn't my anger issues, smacking people in the mouth relaxes me, its not even my sexual shortcomings(pun intended), I'm at peace with the fact that I'm possibly the exception to the rule when it comes to African American genitalia.

My problem ladies and gentlemen is that while I'm a raging sex-a-holic, I'm also a germaphobe who is a couple of loose women away from never leaving my god-damned house again. Sure, I can silence the side of me that is all squeamish about Germs for a while, recklessly thrusting inside some woman who is so worn down that her vagina resembles a broken in catcher's mit, but as soon as it's over I'm scrubbing my penis in the sink with an S.O.S pad and scheduling a doctor's appointment as soon as humanly possible. That's why I want to get married, not because a loving and healthy relationship is something that I need in my life, but because I fear that a few more run-ins with loose women and I'm going to file my cock down to the size of a #2 pencil.

That's another reason why I'm upset at the current state of Hip Hop, beside it being wack and people actually thinking that Jim Jones is a serviceable rapper, I'm mad because Hip Hop used to keep you on your toes concerning venereal diseases. It not like now, people who like to consider themselves rappers and singers ignoring the rapidly rising AIDS rate within the black community, expressing in song form how they desperately tried to reach a one night stand's small intestines as if doing so had no lethal consequences whatsoever. But back in the day, you could throw a rock and hit a Hip Hop song where the microphone wielder warned of the dangers of unprotected sex, giving the listener some well deserved chin music as he/she broke down specifically the various shades of purple your cock would change if you decided to go bareback. Man, I miss being scared to ever fuck again. Those were the days!

4 comments:

Justin said...

"What's the matter, you burning?"

Rose said...

It's hard to believe you're a germophobic knowing your need to constantly humped. (LOL)

dotcomdiva said...

I feel you... So, in the spirit of tryin' to keep Hip-Hop alive, may I offer the following lyrics that just randomly popped into my head on this topic.
Perhaps these will help scare the shit out of you again...

3 days later... go see the doctor!
-Kool Moe Dee

The J, the I, the M, the M, the Y The J, the I, the M
Its Jimmy
-KRS-One

Bang Bang Boogie, she was so amusin', next week you're at the clinic gettin' blood transfusions.
-LL Cool J

Justin said...

This reminds me of Tribe Called Quest's popularization of the term "jimmy hat," or even further back, the track Protect Youself/My Nuts from the Fat Boys' album, Crushin'.