Thursday, February 01, 2007

HumanityCritic Exposed!!! Sex Tape #1

The other day, when I was looking through some old boxes that I hadn't touched in years, I came across some pretty interesting discoveries. The first thing that I pulled out of that dusty ass box that smelled as if I was on a geriatric porn set, were a slew of black medallions, an Afro-pick in the shape of a fist, and a few "Its a black thing, you wouldn't understand" early 90's era T-Shirts. I knew that I should have thrown them out, but it does remind me of a better time in Hip Hop though, and I personally feel that they will come in handy if I ever learn to bend the space time continuum in an 85' DeLorean.(Nothing gets me harder than the thought of having a three way with Salt & Pepa around their "Everybody Get Up" days.) The next thing that I pulled out were a couple of old porn tapes, not the "I have watched these a lot lately so they are old to me" variety, but "these tapes were filmed in the 70's and shit, you can tell by the women speaking in jive and having more hair between their legs than they do on their heads" variety.(Side-note: Even though those sisters were beautiful and all, it didn't get me excited, something about needing a machete to find your sexual destination just isn't sexy to me.)

The last thing I pulled out were these miniature tapes, you know the ones found in a mini recorder used to tape the incoherent ramblings of some college professor that you once had, yes one of those. I didn't think much of them at first, I mean, why in the hell would I want to re-listen to some underpaid douche-bag wax poetic about Western Civilization for a couple of hours, but to be honest those fucking tapes haunted me like how that faint heartbeat haunted the protagonist in Edgar Allen Poe's "Tell-Tale Heart", something made me feel like I had to find out what was on those tapes. After finding a recorder, emptying out the batteries of my remote control so I could use it in the recording device, it became as clear as T.R Knight's sexuality before Isaiah Washington ever said a word that the tapes in my possession were, well, porn tapes.

I don't know if I should feel pathetic, I mean, nothing is lamer than forgoing the visual medium and making an audio recording of a deviant sex act, or should I feel proud, that by it being audio I had the intellectual foresight to allow the listener to rely on their imagination and not be subjected to my toddler sized penis? Who knows? Anyway, there are approximately 10 tapes and every once in a while I will transcribe them for you. Here's the first one.

The first tape is of a young lady that I remember like it was yesterday, Susan, a hot young Latina broad who I spent the better part of a year desperately trying to at least take a sneak peek at my penis.(Something about fucking a cheerleader always appealed to me, ramming her from the back like I was Brandy in traffic, hoping that she would spell my name in that cheerleader cadence, or at least show me some dance hands to indicate whether she came or not) If my memory serves me correctly she actually liked me, but she knew that if it ever got out that I got between those caramel 10th grade thighs that her high school career from that point forward would be a miserable existence. As you can see I wore her down, and apparently I started the tape as soon as we entered the house. Beware, this is kind of sad, but enjoy..

(Door opening)

Susan: Are you sure that you're parents aren't home?

HumanityCritic: I'm positive..

Susan: What makes you so sure?

HumanityCritic: I don't know, their cars not being in the fucking drive-way? Besides, if my mother were here she wouldn't hear your moans of pleasure because she wears a hearing aid, and if my old man was here he'd just give me pointers and ask if he could stick a few fingers in your naughty place.

Susan: Really?

HumanityCritic: Of course not, my old man is probably a one finger guy.

Susan: You know, maybe this isn't a good idea..

HumanityCritic: Why not, you're with me. Besides, if you leave here without getting exactly what you came for at least you got a soda, a couple of snacks, and some ramen noodles out of the deal!

Susan: Gee, I feel like I'm on "The Price is Right", with the addition of teenage penis of course.

HumanityCritic: Of course. (Mumbling) "I'm about to make you 'Come on down!' in a minute"

Susan: What did you say?

HumanityCritic: Nothing.

(After a couple of sodas and packets of delicious Ramen noodles were digested, that's when the action finally started)

(A couple of minutes of passionate pubescent making out ensues, with a few verbal interruptions)

Susan: HumanityCritic, you aren't going to tell anyone we did this are you??

HumanityCritic: I told you I wasn't, no one will ever know..

Susan: Seriously, you can't tell a soul, because if anyone found out that I let you put your dick in me I'd be absolutely ruined!!

HumanityCritic: Wait a minute, I understand you wanting to keep your business private and all, but you act as if you don't want people to know you fucked me specifically!! What's wrong with me??!!

Susan: Well..

HumanityCritic: Well what??!!

Susan: You're a black skateboarder for one, secondly, everyone hates you because you have a penchent for putting your finger in deep inside girls who already have boyfriends, or at some point you physically assaulted someone at least once a week since the school year started. Dude, you're an asshole, and that girl Keisha made her parents put her in another school after you told everyone that she blew you.

HumanityCritic: You have a point. You know, you telling me that I'm not worth a shit, is getting me kinda hot!!!

(The following, without getting too disgusting is sex.. Well, sorta)

Yeah baby, ohh shit, that's what I'm talking about, I'm going to prime all of my ladies with Ramen noodles from now on! Millie Pulled a Pistol on Santa!!!

Susan: *slurp* *slurp* Shut-the-fuck-up!! *slurp* *slurp*

HumanityCritic: Damn girl, act like my cock has that "fountain of youth" Cocoon pool water in it!! Yessssss! Plug Tunin', Jennifer OH Jenny!!

Susan: *slurp* *slurp* What in the fuck is wrong with you??!! *slurp* *slurp*

HumanityCritic: Don't mind me, I just like to call out De La Soul tunes while I'm getting my dick sucked. Just ignore me..

Susan: Ok. *slurp* *slurp*

HumanityCritic: Uhhhh. (convulsing) Um, Susan??

Susan: *slurp* *slurp* Huh?? Oh no, you're not going to..


Susan:(vigorously wiping her face) You no good son of a bitch!!

Your face looks like a glazed Krispy Kream!

Susan: Fucking Cocksucker!!

HumanityCritic: No, that would be you..(In a monotone voice) "Time to make the donuts, Time to make the donuts!!!"

Susan: I'm outta here, Good-bye..

Wait a minute, I have five dollars for you!

Susan:(turning her head as she opened the door) Bastard!!

HumanityCritic: No, you drove me here and its..

Susan:(slamming door)

HumanityCritic: ..gas money..


Peach said...

LMAO @ the gass money lol

emptyHEART said...

HC, your blog is the shit. I discovered it a couple weeks ago and I've been backtracking month by month.

Mouth hugs, chubbies, and throat chops have become part of my daily vernacular, not to mention the fact that curtains took on a whole new usage.

I'm too young to share your passion for the pioneers in hip hop but I do agree with you on the trash that is the curent state of hip hop. I didn't think anyone hated Jim Jones more than I did.

Reading your blog has also made me "embrace my inner asshole". I've always been the typical nice guy that gets shitted on in relationships and I know I'm not going to be able to turn into someone that has the unabashed tendency to say whatever the fuck is on my mind overnight, but I will be making a conscious effort to be an asshole. Thank You HC.