Tuesday, April 24, 2007

My Mother and I discuss a few songs on my IPOD

Usually I'm one of those conspiracy theory guys, I believe there was a second shooter on the grassy knoll, get enough drinks in my system and I'll wax poetic about how the moon landing was taped in an elaborate movie studio somewhere - but I wish that I could sit here and tell you that the emotion of love was nothing but a myth, a propaganda tool invented so hard working people could spend their proverbial phat cash on Valentines Day gifts and other meaningless sentimental trinkets. I mean, I'd like to tell you that I've been in love before, that there were a few women out there that altered my heart rate without the need of street grade stimulants - but the more I think about my sordid history of relationships it becomes crystal clear that what I thought was love was nothing more than accelerated lust in disguise. Any thoughts that I had about throwing the men they left me for in the ocean with cinder-blocks tied to their lifeless bodies had less to do with me being hurt, and more to do with them taking away my daily dose of prescribed practice vagina. Like those people who know there's a heaven because of that white light they saw when they were momentarily clinically dead on some random operating table, I know that love exists because of my mother's blind devotion to her baby boy. Through break-ups, legal trouble, a brief penchant for alcohol and destruction that would have made Nicolas Cage's character in "Leaving Las Vegas" sit me down for a heartfelt intervention - my mother treated each incident as pedestrian in nature, and let it be known that her faith in me had never wavered.

I know you can't tell by reading this potty mouthed blog sometimes, but my mother is the reason that I have such an deep love and admiration for women. She's also behind the fact that I will never marry a white woman, or perform in pornographic movies - while she's on this earth that is. For all the love she's showed me, the life tools that she instilled in me to navigate the turbulent waters of life in my dread-locked life-raft, how do I repay her? I subject her to some random songs on my IPOD, and force her to talk about them.

Big Daddy Kane: "Set it off"

(song starts)

Mom: This is Big Daddy Kane isn't it?

HumanityCritic:(shaking head in disbelief) Yes.. I swear, you have more knowledge about Hip Hop than 80% of the blistering incompetents that call themselves "journalists"

Mom: I used to give you shit about the Hip Hop that you listened to as a kid, but it doesn't take a historian on the genre to recognize that tunes like this came from a "Golden Age" of sorts. Why does Biz Markie come to mind when I think about Big Daddy Kane?

HumanityCritic: ..they were in the same crew, and I think that Kane wrote damn near all of Biz Markie's hits on his first album.

Mom: I read your post about Stanley Crouch, that man is terribly difficult to look at.

HumanityCritic: I wasn't going to say it, but I agree. I get the sinking suspicion that if you looked at Chewbacca's shaved nut-sack, you'd think that you were looking at Stanley Crouch.

Mom: Okay, that's enough - Play the next song.

Amy Winehouse: "Addicted"

(song starts)

Mom: Hey, isn't this that British chick? Um..

HumanityCritic: Amy Winehouse..

Mom: Yeah! I'm always kind of suspicious whenever a white soul singer is pushed on the public so aggressively, not because of the color of her skin - but because they always make them seem like a "great white hope". That being said, I like some of the stuff I've heard from her. (Listening to the lyrics) Is this song about someone smoking up all her drugs?

HumanityCritic: Yes..

Mom: You fucking burn-out, I wonder how many songs on your IPOD are dedicated to some form of mind-altering substances.

HumanityCritic: No comment.

Mom: Remember that time when you were in High School and smoked some bad weed, you came to me clutching your chest saying "Mama! Mama!, I'm having a heart attack!"(laughs)

HumanityCritic: That's not funny, I thought I was dying..

Mom: You just can't handle your smoke, I was going to buy you a pair of panties for that memorable occasion but your father talked me out of it. By the way, Amy Winehouse looks like a pre-op transvestite.

HumanityCritic: Jesus, you are on a roll today.. I'm going to play the next song.

O.C: "Ga Head"

(song starts)

HumanityCritic: Why did this song have to come on?

Mom: What? It's in your IPOD, you don't like it? Who is this?

HumanityCritic: This is O.C. No, I love the song, its just the subject matter..

Mom:(listening to the song) OK, so far the guy is stressed out because of a cheating girlfriend..(waits a few seconds) I don't really see the issue with.. OH!! His girl is cheating on him with another girl, now I see why you felt funny about this song.

HumanityCritic: Don't start.

Mom: I think it's a good thing that my son has charitably donated to the lesbian community for the past 10 years.

HumanityCritic:(putting my head in my hands)

Mom: How many women have you turned into lesbians now? Isn't the running count something like 4?

HumanityCritic:(mumbling) 6

Mom: Jesus Christ!! You should run a service for gay broads who have crushes on straight broads - in no time you will have the woman listening to Melissa Etheridge albums, watching "The View" with a renewed passion, and have her spending the better part of her day picking hair out of her teeth.(laughs)

HumanityCritic: You are a proverbial joke machine, is there a two drink minimum when you perform at "The Chuckle Hut"?

Robin Thicke: "Oh Shooter"

(song starts)

Mom: I know who this is, its Robin Thicke.

HumanityCritic: Yeah, how did you know that?

Mom: I saw him on Oprah last week. I'm usually not into white boys, but I would definitely let that Caucasian crooner slide his tongue down the crack of my..

HumanityCritic: HEY!!!! That's enough!!

Mom: OK, OK. This song is alright, why are you cringing?

HumanityCritic: No, I love the song as well - it's just that this glass licking retard named Lil Wayne covered this song, he pretty much desecrated it.

Mom: Well, he had to have Robin Thicke's approval, right?

HumanityCritic: He got that, he even appeared in that shitstain's video for said song!!

Mom:(Sarcastically) Blasphemy!!!

Red Hot Chili Peppers: "Higher Ground"

(song starts)

Mom:(listening intensely) Are they covering Stevie Wonder's "Higher Ground"?

HumanityCritic: Right again, I feel like I should be handing you prizes or some shit.

Mom: This is pretty good, the best cover songs is when the artist's puts their own spin on the original work.

HumanityCritic: I read somewhere that this is Stevie Wonder's favorite cover of one of his songs. I love this group, one of the saddest moments I had as a fan was when Anthony Kiedes was forced to admit that he was back on heroin during an MTV interview - I almost shed a tear.

Mom: See, why did you have to go and fuck that up? We were vibing off of some music, and you had to go and mess it up by reminding me what kind of pussy my son is? Maybe its not too late to give you that pair of panties, only this time I have to shop at Lane Bryants!

De La Soul: "A Roller Skating Jam Named Saturdays"

(song starts)

Mom: This songs pretty cool, who is this?

HumanityCritic: De La Soul, "A Roller Skating Jam Named Saturdays"

Mom: It kind of takes me back to when I used to roller-skate as a young girl, those were the days..

Back when you hung with Josephine Baker, was an integral part of the Harlem Renaissance, and actually saw John Coltrane perform?

Mom: Motherfucker, I'm not that old!!(mumbling) Even though I did see John Coltrane perform though.

HumanityCritic: Anyway, these guys are one of my favorite groups. Oh, did I fail to mention that those miserable sons of bitches at MTV failed to put them in their shitty "best of" list?

Mom:(shaking her head) Here we go.

I'm saying, how are you going to have UGK on a fucking top 10 list??!!

Mom: Relax..

HumanityCritic: How are you going to put N.W.A over Run D.M.C? Dirty cocksuckers, I swear to god!

Mom: Just play the next song, before you start buying ammo on EBay to rectify your problem.

Chuck D feat. Sister Souljah: "Buck Whylin'

(song starts)

Mom:(giving me a bewildered look) What..in the FUCK.. is this?

HumanityCritic: This is Chuck D, featuring the sporadic oratory skills of Sister Souljah in the background. You don't like it?

Mom: I guess the song could grow on me....like a tumor!! This sounds like preparation music that serial killers play pre-slaughter.

HumanityCritic: You are crazy, quiet as kept this is one of my favorite songs by Chuck D.

Mom: That's what you need to do from now on, keep that shit "quiet as kept". I remember Sister Souljah though, didn't she have that one retarded looking pony tail on the side of her head? She always looked like she did her hair in a hurricane.(laughs)

HumanityCritic:(laughs) Seriously though, she's the main reason that I never appointed Clinton as "the first black president" - how he threw Sister Souljah under he bus just to satisfy the rednecks before his presidency.

Mom: That was fucked up. In the song she should have said, "WE ARE AT WAR....WITH HAIRSTYLISTS!!!" (laughs)

HumanityCritic: OK, last song.

Christina Aguilera: "Back in the Day"

(song plays)

Mom: Wait a minute.. Is this(gulp), Christina Aguilera?

It is, and?

Mom: I'm saying, last time it was Boy George, I'm just waiting for the day that you sit me down for a heartfelt "Mom, I'm allergic to vagina" speech.

HumanityCritic: Listen, I dug this album, mostly because the man who produced it is a dude who I consider to be the best beat-maker of all time.

Mom:(listening) OK, it's pretty good. In this age of no talents flooding the air waves, as least she's paying homage to the greats. I'm cool with that.

HumanityCritic: I'm glad you see things my way.

Mom: No, actually "seeing things your way" would be going to gay clubs called "The Cockpit", and rummaging through my jewelry box for a stunning pair of earrings to wear. That being said, I do like this song.

HumanityCritic: OK, now that you have totally emasculated me on my own blog, I'm about to get shitfaced drunk, sucker punch a couple of grown men in their respective faces, and find some woman of ill repute so I can clumsily enter her person.

Mom: That isn't anything unusual, that's a Monday for you..

HumanityCritic: Cute, until next time. I love you.

Mom: I love you too.


Stucco said...

You are a braver man than I am- I could not stand to have a conversation with my mother about the things on my iPod.

Anonymous said...

Mama Critic can kick it in my crew anytime. She knows her music and it quick witted!

Anonymous said...

Your mother’s criticism of hip-hop is Impressive. Her comments are funny and witty. To spare you the embarrassment, maybe she should just give a thumbs up or down. "Mom, I'm allergic to vagina" Damn your mom’s cold-blooded for this.

Lola Gets said...

Yeah man! "A Roller Skating Jam Named Saturdays!" Thats my song! I might just play that when I get home tonight! Might help me with the crappy ass week Ive been having...maybe.

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