Ever since bar-room brawls spawning from "Who's the best rapper ever" arguments stopped being fulfilling to me, and I started this blog, the outpouring of love from the people kind enough to read my chubby diatribes has been extremely flattering to say the least. Sometimes, just sometimes, the praise gets to my head so much that I forget about the fact that I had bigger titty's than my prom date, or that 5 of my ex-girlfriends happily became card carrying lesbians after we dated, or that I see myself in 30 years still being single, wearing a tight polyester suit, desperately trying to woo women old enough to be my grand-daughter by asking them if they wanted to listen to some vintage late 80's vinyl. Whenever someone sends me a personal email, being nice enough to include me in a long list of bloggers that they enjoy, I always try to respond with as much humility as humanly possible.(Granted, I always systematically break down why I am so much better than the other bloggers that they named, and how those poor excuses for wordsmiths masturbate to my blog whenever they get writer's block)
But whenever someone asks for my advice concerning blogging I always suggest that they try to have a unique writing voice, bringing something to the table that their writing contemporaries simply can't fuck with. Whenever I give people that same piece of regurgitated advice like I was a dreadlocked Yoda, or a negro fortune cookie, I always think about Mitch Hedberg. Hedberg is one of my favorite comedians who died about 2 years ago, a dude who had an uncanny gift for wordplay, one-line non-sequiters, and life observations that made you wish that you had thought of them first. Here are a few classics lines from Mr. Hedberg that I thought I'd share with you, rest in peace Mitch..
I would imagine if you could understand Morse Code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.
I played golf... I did not get a hole in one, but I did hit a guy. That's way more satisfying...
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughtnut... I don't need a receipt for the doughnut. I give you money and you give me the doughnut, end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I can't imagine a scenario that I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. To some skeptical friend, Don't even act like I didn't buy a doughnut, I've got the documentation right here... It's in my file at home. ...Under "D".
When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-size bed, wondering where my brother was.
My friend was walking down the street and he said, "I hear music." As if there is any other way of taking it in. I tried to taste it, but it did not work.
I snake bite emergency kit is a body bag.
I got a business card, 'cause I want to win some lunches. That's what my business card says: "Mitch Hedberg, potential lunch winner." Call me some time, maybe we'll have lunch... If I'm lucky!"
A minibar is a machine that makes everything expensive. When I take something out of the minibar, I always fathom that I'll go and replace it before they check it off, but they make that stuff impossible to replace. I go to the store and ask, "Do you have coke in a glass harmonica? ...Do you have individually wrapped cashews?"
I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.
It's very dangerous to wave to people you don't know because what if they don't have hands? They'll think you're cocky.
Someone handed me a picture and said, "This is a picture of me when I was younger." Every picture of you is when you were younger. "...Here's a picture of me when I'm older." Where'd you get that camera man?
Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupis... one of those two doesn't sound right.
I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, "You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit." As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.
I like cinnimon rolls, but I don't always have time to make a pan. That's why I wish they would sell cinnimon roll incense. After all I'd rather light a stick and have my roommate wake up with false hopes.
My friend said to me, "You know what I like? Mashed potatoes." I was like, "Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause."
I used to do drugs. I still do, but I used to, too.
An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an "Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order" sign, just "Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience."
I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that day...
A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.
I think foosball is a combination of soccer and shishkabobs.
That would be cool if you could eat a good food with a bad food and the good food would cover for the bad food when it got to your stomach. Like you could eat a carrot with an onion ring and they would travel down to your stomach, then they would get there, and the carrot would say, "It's cool, he's with me."
I bought a seven dollar pen because I always lose pens and I got sick of not caring.
My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got half way. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.
I had a velco wallet in a casino. That sound annoyed the hell out of me. Whenever I lost money, and I opened the wallet, it was like the sound of my addiction.
Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.
My apartment is infested with koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light, a bunch of koala bears scatter, but I don't want them too. I'm like, "Hey... Hold on fellows... Let me hold one of you, and feed you a leaf." Koala bears are so cute, why do they have to be so far away from me. We need to ship a few over, so I can hold one, and pat it on its head.
I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.
I never joined the army because at ease was never that easy to me. Seemed rather uptight still. I don't relax by parting my legs slightly and putting my hands behind my back. That does not equal ease. At ease was not being in the military. I am at ease, bro, because I am not in the military.
I opened-up a yogurt, underneath the lid it said, "Please try again." because they were having a contest that I was unaware of. I thought maybe I opened the yogurt wrong. ...Or maybe Yoplait was trying to inspire me... "Come on Mitchell, don't give up!" An inspirational message from your friends at Yoplait, fruit on the bottom, hope on top.
A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.
You know they call corn-on-the-cob, "corn-on-the-cob", but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it "Mitch", and then re-attached it, and call it "Mitch-all-together".
On a traffic light yellow means yield, and green means go. On a banana, it's just the opposite, yellow means go ahead, green means stop, and red means, where'd you get that banana?
My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave, does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.
I think Bigfoot is blurry, that's the problem. There's a large out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside.
I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill...
I got my hair highlighted, because I felt some strands were more important than others.
I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.