Thursday, July 19, 2007
HumanityCritic, Scumbag behavior since 1989!(Take 1): "Wearing a wedding ring"
In the "it even shines on a dogs ass once in a while" category, believe it or not a couple of years ago I actually heard something rather profound escape 50 cent's lyrically sub-par, bullet ridden pie-hole - he basically said that dope dealers at the end of the day make less than minimum wage, when you factor in the danger of the profession and the overall chances of imprisonment. Its kind of the same way I view being single, sure it seems like the unadulterated shit to all of my married friends - them thinking that I'm having marathon fuck sessions with two Brazilian twins while my buddies are securely shackled in marital purgatory. While they are rushing from work to pick up their screaming crumb-snatchers from school, they probably envision me about to penetrate some busty woman who just happens to teach "blow-job" classes in my city - only briefly interrupting the foreplay to reach for a condom, very casually saying "Shit, I'm not trying to end up like my homeboy!!" as if that oiled up seductress of higher learning who looks like she should be in a Hype Williams video even knew who in the fuck I was referring to. But the truth of the matter is, chasing tail gets lame - its like a pornographic version of the movie "Groundhog Day", constantly trying to ignore the fact that some bimbo thinks that Lil Wayne is the new millennium version of Rakim, just so I can pelvic-ally take it out on her misinformed ass later. Having the same barroom conversation's with the same intellectually inferior person, each time feeling a little less guilty as I wish that some mysterious person would walk in an inject them with some exotic poison with no known antidote - just so I wouldn't have to hear that same fucking story again. If I was married, assuming that my wife wasn't handing out her vagina like welfare cheese that is - I wouldn't have to worry about things like venereal diseases. Not for nothing, but closely monitoring my urination for burning sensations is starting to get old - and I've been so paranoid after fucking a woman that my cock should have never been within a square mile of to begin with, trips to the free clinic are so frequent that doctors and nurses scream my name upon arrival like I'm Norm from "Cheers" and shit. "HUMANITYCRITIC!!!"
That's whats so ironic about the new tactic that I learned to obtain ass, who would have thought that after a couple of years of slowly chiseling off the remnants of my philandering ways so I would at least be marriage material to some woman out there - one of my married friends who's life I happen to envy, happens to very cavalierly hand me the skeleton key that unlocks vagina's everywhere. Here is the story..
Operation Wedding Ring: This past Friday night started off like the 400 or so that had preceded it, hanging with one of my married friends - about to frequent a few watering holes where beer, jaeger bombs, and the shattered dreams of carer alcoholics awaited us. We hadn't finished our first beer before women started hitting on my boy as if he was a Caucasian Pinata, everything from sensual glances to strategic touches on his shoulder were thrown his direction like a slow pitch softball for him to smash out of the proverbial ball-park - it was so prevalent that when women tapped me on my shoulder, I immediately knew it was to ask a question about my friend. I felt that I should be jealous, but I wasn't - I just thought to myself "This is what it must have felt like to be a member of Van Halen in their prime, and not be named David Lee Roth!!" Everyone from a thick bartender who inquired about my friend's relationship status, a slew of random girls who breasts could feed empoverished countries, and a hot little number that wanted to give him a "Mic Check" in the friendly confines of her Mitsubishi Lancer - the late time I saw someone so effortless fight off unwanted advances I think I was watching "Fists of Fury".
The next morning when he called I kept referring to him as "rock star" and "Pimpalicious", acting like he didn't know what in the fuck I was talking about I quickly reminded him of the multitude of ass that was placed in his lap the night before. That's when he paused, and let out an explanation that I have now described as his "Yoda moment", he said: "HumanityCritic, nights like that never happened when I was single - now that I'm married it seems to be a common occurrence. See my friend, when a woman sees that ring on your finger she thinks, "Fuck, he's at least a decent enough a human being for someone to marry his ass!!" That's the attraction, and the only reason that last night ever happened!!!" Instead of me taking in what my good friend had to say, respected him for "dropping jewels" so to speak, what do I do? - I use his rogue-like wisdom to benefit my deviancy.
That's when I thought I'd start wearing a wedding ring to see if I could obtain more miscellaneous "provokes me to visit the free clinic more often" booty, I figured it would be at least be a very interesting experiment. The thing is, it works! Sure you have to play it up a bit, first tell the woman who is chatting you up that you're happily married, then throughout the course of the night you have to shift your language somewhat. Slowly shifting the rhetoric, "Baby, I can't do that to my wife" - "If only I wasn't married", then lastly "Let me at least take off my ring while I fuck you against my Chevy Nova!!" I mean, sure - after a while she will find out that you aren't married and stop letting you tenderly fuck her against classic muscle cars. But that's the beauty of it all the, yes its lying, yes it's still deception - but you can penetrate these chicks guilt free because at the end of the day the million dollar question still remains: "What were you doing fucking a married guy anyways!!!" Man, I haven't seen a well thought-out plan work this well since "Oceans 11" and shit.
OK, being single is still pretty cool - until this gets old I guess..