Friday, July 27, 2007
The lost "HumanityCritic chapter" in Karrine Stephans' "THE VIXEN DIARIES"(Vibe)
A couple of years ago when Karrine Stehans came out with "Confessions of a Video Vixen" I didn't think too much of it, I mean, women with questionable morals have been writing tell-all books about the famous men that have been inside them since the beginning of time. I'm sure that some of the Egyptian Hieroglyphics detail some Pharaoh's sexually inadequacies, and how during those intimate moments he needed a hunting spear rammed up his ass to achieve a proper climax. As Ms. Steffans peddled her wares on a multitude of media outlets, including Oprah, it was hard to contain the child-like chuckling as she played the victim - acting as if her penchant for blowing celebrities was a published cautionary tale for young women everywhere, an educational tool if you will, like the protractor or triple penetration pornography. But despite my skepticism about her being a reformed opportunist chicken-head, leading a feminist revolution where the motto happened to be "One burnt bra at a time!" - a small part of me(not that part asshole) wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt.
Who am I to say that a person can't change? Granted, one of my hands is noticeably more muscular than the other based how many times I've masturbated to her pornographic video as if my testicles had an expiration date on them - maybe she was really trying to deter impressionable young women from having the nuts of lackluster celebrities on their collective chins at some point in the future. I found myself feeling like one of those Barry Bonds detractors, even though a cloud of suspicion follows the slugger around the same way that dirt cloud followed around that "Peanuts" character "Pigpen" - there is no smoking gun as far as Positive drug tests go. Anyone with an I.Q above room temperature who hasn't spawned from inbreeding knew that Ms. Steffans was nothing more than a harlot with a laptop, a sister who figured out that "resident cocksucker" wasn't the kind of thing that you put on a job application - so what better way to turn a buck than pen a tell-all while claiming that she was doing so to empower young women everywhere. But there really wasn't a smoking gun, a steroids-like positive test that proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that Ms. Steffans' journey to save womankind was a watery sack of crap - until now, with her second tell all book. While her first book detailed her experiences in the Hip Hop world along with her liaison's with celebrities, "The Vixen Diaries" is supposed to be an account of everything that has happened since her first book hit the shelves - continuing to name-drop more celebs who have since attempted to puncture her small intestines mid-coitus.
I have to say, sifting through her website is an absolute joy of immense proportions - if only for the hypocritical factor alone. For one thing, you get gems like this:
"She encourages young women to speak out against abuse, to halt the cycle of it and no longer abuse themselves. Karrine uses her past as an example of what not to do and instated The Karrine Steffans Girls Club to give women of all ages a safe place to go in order to express their anxieties and support each other."
OK, that talking point might have worked with the last book, when she claimed to have stopped fucking sub-par lyricists cold-turkey - but this new book proves that she is up her her old tricks.(pun intended, her head game is strong.. I hear) But in her video diary section is where the laughs just keep a'coming, self video taped segments from her bedroom(mostly) where one day she is divulging information about herself - and the next she is saying that people need to mind their business when she hears something about herself that she doesn't like. You can't have it both ways.(or maybe she can - is there a tape of that available too?) Also in the video's it is suggested that Lil Wayne is new jackass treating her vagina like a pinata, not to mention speculation that Ne-Yo and her once bumped uglies - who knows, based on the last two choices in men I just detailed, maybe Starr Jones and Elizabeth Taylor will invite Karrine to join their exclusive "women who like to fuck gay men" club?
I bet you are asking yourself where all this venom is coming from? Why I've decided to aim my PC and shoot verbal artillery at such an easy target as Steffans? Well, let me just come clean here - the truth of the matter is that I'm a little pissed at Karrine for not mentioning me in her latest tell all. I thought the time we spent together was special, special enough to include in her precious "Vixen Diaries" - but I guess that somebody at her publishing company informed her that juicy details about a mid-level blogger just doesn't sell books. Anyway, I've obtained the lost chapter about yours truly - so without further ado, here are a few excerpts..
From the Chapter entitled "Beware!! Chubby pre ejaculating blogger!!"
"Ladies, when a man tells you that he's hung like a pre-pubescent midget and ejaculates faster than the world record 100 meter dash time - believe what he says and keep it moving. At first I thought his shtick was cute, you know, just a healthy dose of self-deprecation that he uses as a device on his blog. But the first time we were together sexually it became abundantly clear that he wasn't bullshitting, one time he mercilessly fucked my belly button while screaming "Damn girl, you are deeper than that well that baby Jessica was stuck in!!" - not the mention the vomit sounds he made while ejaculating, while I was just talking my bra off no less!!
"I've been fucked inside of porta-potty's on video sets, I've serviced men on project roof-tops - but the level of disrespect that HumanityCritic showed me during sex made my first book look like a fairytale that Amish parents tell their kids at night. First he would throw out obscure Hip Hop references while fucking me, like the time he was going down on me and said "Jesus Christ, your pubic hair is nappier than the back of the head of the chick that Ghostface was rapping to in that Ice Cream video!!" Or that one time when he was down there handling his business and he momentarily looked up and said, "I got to tell you, your vagina is grainier than the Zepruder film and rougher than that piano sample that Gangstarr used in "All for the cash!!"
"HumanityCritic was great when he was drunk, a guy who could make me laugh and then proceed to fuck the shit out of me for 3 mind-numbing minutes without a worry in the world - but when he was sober it was another thing. Based on my past he'd scrub his hands anytime I even briefly touched his, he'd vigorously scrub the toilet seats and shower after I used them - and he'd put on so many condoms before sex, his penis looked like one of those balloon animals you make for children at weddings. Not to mention any time I'd ask for a sip of his drink, or a bite of his food - even if we were in the most public of places he'd scream out "Oh hell no, you fucked Jah Rule!!!"
"Even though Kool G Rap and I had a turbulent relationship that I'd rather not discuss, HumanityCitic was absolutely fascinated by the fact that I used to be with him. It was weird. He'd sporadically grab my crotch and say shit like "One of the members of "The Juice Crew" was there!!! The author of "Road to the Riches" and "On the Run" discovered that land before I did. How cool is that!" But then it got even weirder when, during sex mind you, when I caught him mumbling Kool G Rap's verse in "The Symphony" with a shit eating grin on his face!"