Friday, July 27, 2007

The Sopranos Ending, directed by Spike Lee

A little more than a month ago when the last episode of "The Soprano's" aired, everyone that I came in contact with were absolutely irate - many of them feeling like creator David Chase had literally dropped his dockers and showed them his ass based on an ending that didn't bring closure to anyone. Personally I dug it, sure it was as unsatisfying as getting blown by a chick with bad teeth and a gag reflex - but as a writer what else was Chase supposed to do, even the most intellectually deficient Akon fan figured that Tony was going to take a proverbial dirt-nap in the final moments of the series - why proceed with the obvious? Besides, just imagine the mass amounts of women in bars who'd be willing to resuscitate Mr. Chase's penis by him simply uttering the line "Hey baby, blow me and I'll tell you if Tony died or not!!"(From one pervert to another, pure genius sir!) The only beef I had were with all the people who knew that I was a writer, asking me how would I have ended the series if I was the main pen wielder over at HBO - inquiries that were thrown in my direction during the most inopportune moments. Whether it was my dentist after he immediately shot me up with Novocaine, this girl I was dating who included her inquiry amidst a nasty break-up email, the chick I was cheating on her with while she had a very sensitive body part of mine in her grasp - when someone asked me how I would have ended the Soprano's each time I shrugged my shoulders and said "Fuck if I know??" Here we are a month later and I still don't know, but I have a feeling how Spike Lee would have ended it..

Spike Lee directing the "Sopranos" episode "Made in America"

(The camera first focusing in on a newsstand with the caption "Impeach Bush Now!" over a picture of sobbing Hurricane Katrina victims - then panning up to see Tony walking toward the diner with loud jazz music playing in the background.)

(Tony, being played by Denzel Washington, enters the diner and takes a seat at the first booth available)

(He then flips through the jukebox to see a whole bunch of soft-rock bands that he has either never heard of in his life, or doesn't give a watery shit about.)

Tony: (talking to himself) No Wu-Tang? Miles Davis? No Fish-bone? This is some bullshit right here..(still aggressively flipping the jukebox selections)

(Camera pans to a waitress taking a couple's order, then to a couple of cooks frying up some food orders)

(Tony briefly looks up when a lady in her mid-30's who walks in the diner, she looks like a prostitute - so of course she's being played by Paula Jai Parker)

(Tony briefly looks up at a gentleman entering the diner wearing a T-shirt that on the back has an large arrow pointing downwards with the words "Exit Only!!" on it - the actor playing that role is Isaiah Washington)

(Tony then proceeds to put some change in the Juke Box and his selection begins to play as his wife Carmella enters the diner)

(Tony pulls out a menu for his wife, the camera then pans to a few teenagers in a both enjoying their meals. Not for nothing, but I think that all of those actors are currently on "The Wire")

Carmella:(being played by Angela Bassett) Hey

Tony: Hey.

(they both look at their menu's)

Carmella: What are you going to get?

Tony: I have no idea..(Looking around) Carm, I really don't think I can eat here..

Carmella:(rubbing her eyes) Why the hell not?

Tony: There are no brother's on the wall!

Carmella: There aren't any white guys on the wall either, just peaceful portraits of horses grazing and shit!! Negro, we're in Bloomfield New Jersey - this ain't Brooklyn!(now talking to herself)I can't get a decent fucking meal because your ass insists on eating at places with pictures of famous black folks hovering over us. Jesus fucking Christ!!

Tony: OK, OK.. We'll eat here!!! Where's Anthony?

Carmella: He called, he's on his way - you know how slow cabs can be!

Tony: Did he ever give you a legitimate reason why he set his car fire, then proceeded to throw a trash can at the window while screaming "Hate!!"? Jesus that boy was a waste of sperm.

Carmella: We wouldn't even be having this conversation if I wouldn't have believed your bullshit.(mocking Tony) "You can't get pregnant if you fuck in a hot tub!!"

(Tony now rubbing his eyes while shaking his head)

Tony: My bad.. Where's Meadow?

She's at the doctor getting her birth control switched..

Tony: Too much information!! Remember when she was dating that brother?

Carmella: Yes Tony, but that was three seasons ago..

(breaking the 3rd wall and looking at the camera) Even though that had to be the most emasculated, non threatening black man this side of "Leroy" from "Fame" and shit!!

(The Camera now pans to the gentlemen with the "ass arrow" T-Shirt, now seated, about to drink a cup of coffee)

Carmella: You talk to Mink?

Tony: It's Carlo, he's going to testify..

Carmella: Well look on the bright side, on one hand there is always a chance that he won't rant you out and we all live happily ever after.

Tony: ..and on the other hand?

Carmella: You spend some quality reading time in a state funded facility, then come home and suddenly prefer my asshole when we make love.

Tony: That's great Carm, just great!!

(Two men walk in, one a stranger wearing a TROOP jacket followed by Anthony jr.)

(Yes, the same actor who plays Anthony jr. in the series is the same actor here - the character who plays Meadow in the series is the same actress in this piece as well. Sure they are both white and their parents here are black, and it seems rather silly - but then again so was "Girl 6" and "Summer of Sam")

Anthony:(sitting down) Yummy, Onion-rings!!

Tony:(looking at Anthony in disgust) "Yummy"? That has to be the gayest..

Carmella: Don't start!!

Tony:(grabbing Anthony's hand in fatherly affection) Yes, "Yummy" indeed!

(The camera now pans to the man wearing the TROOP, now sitting at the bar - he briefly looks at Tony)

(Now we see Meadow outside having a rather difficult time parallel parking, which is strange because the distance between cars is a fucking city block)

(Back inside the waitress brings the Soprano family their drinks, we briefly see a young couple laughing it up in their respective booth)

(The man at the counter whose attire suggests he's stuck in an 80's era rap video, looks at Tony again)

Carmella:(to Anthony) How was work today?

Anthony: All I'm doing all day is crafting silly nonsensical rhymes for a closeted homosexual..

Carmella: But you are making contacts for the future though, that's what counts.

Tony:You are lil Wayne's ghost-writer for Christs sake, what did you think you'd be doing?? Man up already!!

Anthony: Right, sometimes you have to eat shit to get what you want..

Tony: Don't be an asshole!

Anthony: Isn't that what you said one time, sometimes you have to sift through shit to get what you want in life?

Tony: I did?

Anthony: Yeah..

Tony: Well, its true I guess..

Carmella: Actually I said that, but I was referring to your fathers love for getting his asshole licked - who knows how many millions I've gotten out of him by simply licking his "brown eye".

(Outside, meadow is still having trouble parking her car on the empty street - a few people have gathered at a window to watch, taking bets on whether she's retarded or not)

(The guy with the TROPOP jacket walks to the bathroom as Tony follows him with his eyes part of the way, then two white gentlemen stroll in played by Edward Norton and John Turturro. Meadow finally parks her car outside.)

(The waitress sets down a bowl full of onion rings)

Tony: I went ahead and ordered some for the table..

(each of them pop an onion-ring in their mouths)

(Then the two white dudes, the prostitute, the guy with the arrow on back of his T-Shirt, and even the teenagers who act on "The Wire" - they all join the gentleman with the Troop Jacket in the bathroom. In the restroom, remarkably, there is a white table in the middle of the floor with a shitload of artillery on it - the next 2 minutes we see each person cleaning their respective weapons, then loading them while lit cigarettes hang from their mouths. Like the scene in "Malcolm X" and shit)

(Each one of the assassins emerge from the bathroom in slow motion, with guns drawn)

(Meadow very nervously rushes towards the diner, in that classic Spike Lee dolly shot where it looks as if the actor is floating on air)

(As the would be dispatchers are about to punch Tony's time clock, Meadow screams)

Meadow: WAKE UP!! WAKE UP!!

(She walks around the diner, the assassins put down their weapons, people stop eating and stand up as if they are in a daze. hint-hint)

(looking at everyone she walks past): WAKE UP! WAKE UP!!

(she then walks past the two people at the window who wagered whether she was mentally handicapped or not)

Meadow: Fuck you, I'm not retarded!! Oh! WAKE UP!!!

(looking at the Camera)

Meadow: WAKE UP!!!

(Fade to black)


serena_love said...

OMG...just LMAO!

I love the mention of the floating dolly shot. The only time that was used correctly was in malcolm x!

Muze said...

there are too many quotables in here for me to do...but this is just....hilarious! you are a rare specimen HFC. lol.

wake up! wake up! LMAO!!

Anonymous said...

LOL..classic! I like this version better.

Anonymous said...

Brilliant. There's nothing that makes me cringe more in a Spike Lee movie than the ever present dolly shot. Oh, and the circling for five minutes shot. Mo Better Blues actually made me sea sick.

(Isn't it the 4th wall that's broken when an actor speaks directly to the camera, though?)

S.K. said...

I had to add you as a link!! I just had too!!

hottnikz said...

Very good! I could see Spike doing some shit like this. You have a good sense of humor too. I see we share the same dislike for Lil Wayne.

Amy The Black said...

Great scene. Perhaps a brief flashback that shows that the chick was a disgruntled dancer from the Bada Bing that had blown Tony once.

Sherlon Christie said...

hilarious! the reason I keep coming back to the blog

a black girl who did date said...

That was hilarious!!! Aww Weezy is not gay just affectionate with his daddy..LOL!!!!

Anonymous said...

Uh, you forgot Rosie Perez dancing for approximately 15 minutes at the beginning of the episode.