Thursday, September 20, 2007

Steps to having a successful bachelor party..

Over the past two years I've seen 10 of my friends get married, and the concurrent themes that I'm left with concerning those joyous occasions are: People tend to have criminally wack wedding receptions, the best man always gives the same tired ass wedding toast, single women at weddings will drain your sexual fluids like it was that "Cocoon, fountain of youth pool water" - and lastly, the bachelor party that precedes the wedding leaves so much to be desired that many times I wished that I had stayed home and masturbated. Even though I'm a grizzled veteran when it comes stacks of one dollar bills, glitter encrusted titties, and unbelievable stories about a woman "saving up for college" - at the end of the day I'm a rather simple man, just give me a beer and a couple of chicks who don't know what the word "morals" means and I'm good to go. But based on how ill prepared the bachelor parties that I went to were, and the horrible state of affairs the hired strippers happened to be - I just thought I'd come up with a cliff notes-style guide whenever you choose to have your pre-wedding smut-fest.

Don't invite any members of her family: I don't particularly care how cool your fiancee's brother is, how many times the both of you have opened up like one of Oprah's guests about which porn star you'd have unprotected sex with. Your future father-in-law could be the coolest baby boomer on the face of the planet, telling you all the chicks half his age that he smashes when he's away on extended business trips - if either of those motherfuckers steps foot inside your bachelor party, as soon as they cross the threshold they will turn into a Christian fundamentalists. Tales of your pre-wedding shenanigans will get back to her quicker than a case of the clap, with everything you did being exaggerated severely - a dancer slightly rubbing her hands against your body turns into a rather aggressive public hand-job, a pedestrian lap-dance turns into full fledged intercourse, and you playing with a woman's nipples like they were nobs on a stereo will.. well, that would be the only part that son of a bitch gets right.

Besides just flat out not inviting them, have what I call a "Head fake Bachelor Party" - invite them to a pre-wedding dinner with you and your boys, where dirty jokes and alcohol consumption is the main agenda. They are left thinking that was your actual bachelor party celebration, and while they are going home to sleep off the undigested red meat and the malted hops in their system - you and your boys are going to what is actually the real celebration, fully equipped with chicks lacking gag reflexes and good judgment.

Enough with the childish magic tricks!: When I see two naked women in a room, I want to see some good old fashioned same gender love making where at some point they put a two-headed dildo to its proper use - the last thing I want to be is inundated with unimpressive parlor tricks that do nothing but get me pissed off. I've witnessed a woman stick a match through one of her tits and light it, smoke a cigar with her vagina, even forcefully spew water out of that same orifice like some sort of ghetto geyser - all very impressive if I was 18, but I'm 34 man, and nothing short of getting triple penetrated in a vat of melted butter will raise my eyebrow nowadays.

Hire dancers with a sense of humor: I know that the current state of Hip Hop, an endless war, and skyrocketing gas prices can be a bit of a downer - but that's no reason for people to be as touchy as they've been over the last couple of years. For Christs sake, lighten up people. One time I made a chick at the bachelor party wash her hands before giving me a rather innocent hand-job where I wore three condoms - when she wanted to know what my problem was, she got mad when I said "You're a fucking stripper for Christs sake - I usually clutch a pair of rosary beads while coming in contact with people of your ilk!!" She didn't get my brand of humor. Or that one time a friend of mine had hired some dangerously thin strippers, so instead of putting a few stray one dollar bills on the makeshift stage that they were dancing on - I decided to walk up to her, smile, and place a couple of delicious sandwiches at her feet. Just for your information, you never want to be attacked by an anorexic stripper - it feels like your being dry humped by a bag of glittery brooms.

The sluttier the better: I don't condone a future groom getting some pre-wedding nookie from a chick that I wouldn't drink after even if she had a doctors note - the few times that a friend of mine was about to sail those frequently chartered waters, I always reminded him that he didn't want to give his new bride a wedding gift in the name of a discharge on their honeymoon. Matter of fact, coming from a dude as germophobic as I am - I wouldn't condone anyone within a 2 mile radius getting to know the strippers biblically either, but there's an undeniable excitement in the air when you know that the ladies would blow everyone in attendance if the money is right.

7 comments:

Big Momma Pimpalishisness With A Cherry On Top said...

Sigh. This is why I'm never getting married.

The Bear Maiden said...

LOL. Sheesh. And here I was worried about your sudden sensitivity :)

MC said...

Regarding family members of the bride going to the bachelor party... those are some real words of wisdom there... after all, they don't have your best interests at heart... ever.

Yemanja said...

"ghetto geyser"? I'm through! Glad to see you're back to your usual tone. I thought you'd gone soft.

wynsters the tigress said...

HC, clearly getting married is on your list of things to do...

LoveMyselfFirst said...

the last line of this post killed me.. lol.. i still don't get the excitement of paying for sex/ a blowjob.. isn't that like paying for herpes? men are such strange creatures! lol

Blah Blah Blah said...

like loveme...I loved..
"an undeniable excitement in the air when you know that the ladies would blow everyone in attendance if the money is right."

That sorta made me forget I was straight...'cause I might wanna see that my damnself.