Wednesday, September 26, 2007
An Open Letter to Adrianne Curry
Dear Ms. Curry,
Full disclosure here: When a friend of mine mentioned your name last week I had no idea who you were, when she then tried to jog my memory by saying that you were the first winner of "America's Next Top Model" I blankly looked at her as if she had just recited a Dane Cook joke to me - but as soon as she said that you were the one who had that reality show with that "Peter Brady" dude, I finally realized who the fuck she was talking about. Please, don't take that as some sort of slight - I blame thousands of bong hits and shots of Jagermeister for my deteriorating memory, just ask the last three women I've gotten to know biblicly who saw me struggling to recall their names while HumanityCritic's "special sauce"lingered on their "soup coolers". Before I go any further I want to welcome you to the wonderful world of blogging, as a 4 year veteran of the game I can tell you that it will be a cathartic experience for you - I probably would have gone a killing spree by now if my writings hadn't exercised my father issues, penchant for violence, and me coming to grips with the sobering reality of having one of the most unimpressive black penises known to man. That being said, when I was directed to a blog post you had written entitled "MY Boycott against BET and Black History Month" - initially I was as excited as Jim Jones in a room full of ghost-writers. I just knew that you were going to disprove the ugly stereotype that supermodels are nothing more than unintelligible beauties - only good for being coke addicted "before" pictures, being able to effortlessly vomit, beating people senseless with Motorola cell phones, and vapid conversations that make the other party want to publicly slit their wrists with plastic butter-knives. I mean, I hate B.E.T too - and I just hoped that your post would concur with my belief that that network singlehandedly undoes the civil rights movement with each rerun of "The Wayans Bros", each time a minstrel show rapper flashes a platinum encrusted smile, not to mention the other thousand hours of horrific programming. As for Black History Month, I just knew that you'd eloquently wax poetic about how you reject the notion of Black History just being highlighted a month out of the year - even you would admit that it doesn't take a supermodel to know that giving such an extensive history such a short period of time to shine borders on clinical insanity.
But as soon as I started reading your monstrosity of a post, I suddenly realized that I need to get my black ass a girlfriend and stop watching so much porn - only in the porn world will you get exactly what's advertised from a title, if it happens to read "Asian Midget gets Humiliated", fully expect to see an Asian woman of below-average height having the most sexually deviant things done to her on camera. Unfortunately, what I found in your posts was the same drivel I've been inundated with for the past 20 years or so - a steady diet of empty "reverse racism" rhetoric with "I once fucked a black dude so I'm not racist" acting as the qualifying dessert.(Not for nothing, but I kept expecting you to passionately ask why you weren't allowed to use the word "Nigger" - maybe you are saving that utterly intriguing topic for your next blog installment.)
In the comment section of your blog you mentioned that you have been sexually active with 5 African Americans(1 male 4 female) - I would have figured, when your weren't tongue kissing black genitalia for the sake of proving how racist you're not, that the owners of said naughty parts would have informed you at some point that a channel like B.E.T was created because black culture wasn't being broadcast anywhere else. Granted, the channel is currently a cluster-fuck of immense proportions, but being mad at B.E.T and the black history month is rather silly, even for you - when there are channels and months dedicated to Hispanics, women, and Asians for Christs sake. I have to ask, because I'm sure that you had a conversation with at least one of those five individuals you were doing the horizontal shuffle with while "Ebony and Ivory" played in the background. At some point they had to explain to you that the only black people they learned about in school happened to be Martin Luther King, Rosa Parks, and possibly George Washington Carver - and that 99% of the black history that they do know is a result of them seeking it out for themselves.
Ms. Curry, I don't expect for you to understand the intricacies of racism in this country - just like you wouldn't expect for me to understand what its like to be a wanna-be supermodel who had to beg a D-List actor who peaked 30 years ago to marry me - I just chalk it up to us being different that's all. But then again, maybe your blog is a microcosm of the state of race relations in this country(based on all the inbred dopes who co-signed your brand of bullshit) For example, last night I was talking to one of my best friends and when I very innocently told him that I sincerely felt that most of the "white outrage" for O.J wouldn't exist if his wife happened to be black his head started smoking - when I openly wondered why a missing white woman is a national story when black girls go missing all the time and its hardly mentioned in the crawl at the bottom of your television screen, his head exploded. But the difference between you and Danny is that at least he is open to new information, learning something about the black perspective that he never fathomed before - and you seem to come across as an inarticulate hick who fingers herself to Mein Kampf in your free time.
Lastly, at the end of that botched abortion that you call a post, a diatribe that I'm certain David Duke uses as his personal screen-saver - I found it rather interesting that you had to use your support for Barack Obama as yet another qualifier for the previous drivel that oozed out of the side of your mouth. Not for nothing, but its people like you who make me think that Barack Obama doesn't have a snowball's chance in Lil Kim's crotch of ever being elected President - see I live in Virginia, where a known racist almost got re-elected for Senator, so I know all about people who consider themselves "progressive" who are actually one ass beating from a black guy away from handing out Aryan Nation propaganda. That being said, I have some parting advice for you - become a right wing pundit, hey, you're prettier than Ann Coulter and people will pay you millions of bucks to talk out of your ass.
Humanity F Critic aka "Gordon Gartrell"