One of my favorite pastimes, outside of alphabetizing my porn collection and drunk dialing married ex-girlfriends and incoherent yelling "You could have had it all!!" into the phone receiver, is occasionally playing the video game "Hitman" with my older brother Craig. Sure, we've finished the game many times before, but one of the reasons we still play is because its a chance for two brothers on polar opposite sides of the personality spectrum to bond. The other reason is because the game is all about stealth, so the same way a major league pitcher goes his entire career searching for that coveted "perfect game" - my brother and I hope to one day kill every single one of our respective targets without raising one iota of suspicion. That said, I found out that analyzing our playing styles is surprisingly indicative of our personalities. My brother is the epitome of incognito, changing into butler uniforms to disguise his murderous intentions, calmly choking out hotel guards with fiber wire then proceeding to hide the body in some random closet - making sure that the only person to incur his wrath is the evil bastard he's been assigned to dispatch. I always start off trying the "stealth" approach - but unlike my even tempered older brother, my impatience always seems to get the better of me. More times than not my sole strategy is to enter the establishment guns a-blazing, blasting security guards, critically wounding innocent women and children, taking aim at domesticated animals.. Only after I'm one of two survivors in the entire building, I then proceed to mercilessly slaughter the man I was hired to kill. Problem with my genius method is that I always end up with a "Psychopath" rating while my brother gets the desired "Silent Assassin" rating. I've been thinking about that game a lot these past few months watching Barack Obama.
Ever since Barack Obama announced his candidacy on the steps of the old Capital Building in Springfield, Illinois, his actions on the campaign trail and subsequently in the White House, has undoubtedly proven to an ill tempered degenerate like myself that I could never be Commander in Chief of this great nation of ours. During the primary debates, whenever Hillary Clinton shamelessly played the Rezko card, I screamed at the television screen wondering why Obama didn't proceed to spend the rest of the night very cavalierly naming all of the shady characters Mrs. Clinton has ever been associated with. Shows what I know, he instead chose to keep it cool and take the high road. Thinking three steps ahead, he knew that he had to win over a large percentage of her voters when he became the Democratic nominee. After Barack Obama became our 44th President and the fate of that traitorous bastard Joe Lieberman was in his grasp, I wanted him to figuratively take him out like "Bishop" did "Radames" in the movie "Juice"(..even yelling "Riverside Motherfucker" after the duty was done) Obviously our President did the exact opposite. Letting Joe Lieberman's transgressions slide turned out to be a rather shrewd move, because in turn, the good Senator from Connecticut was not only a big cheerleader of the Stimulus Bill but also he helped out when those talks started to break down. The mere idea of Hillary Clinton as Secretary of State made me vomit inside my mouth a little, I found no reason to reward her after she waged a shitty campaign filled with veiled racism and dog-whistles - people like to forget that when her back was against the wall during the primaries she courted the right wing media of all people. Again, our President made a fool out of me. Sure, she is qualified, but keep your friends close and your enemies closer they say - plus, the last thing he needed was a bitter ass Hillary causing trouble in the Senate.(Just imagine if she came out against the Stimulus Bill? Oh Boy)
The Obama masterstroke as of late has to be the way in which he has engaged Rush Limbaugh. Chris Matthews, a cable bloviator that I don't particularly loathe, has been one voice amongst many who thought it was a colossal mistake for Obama to get in the middle of the ring and trade with the elephantine host. Many nights I heard him ask, "Why give the guy more attention? Why add to the millions of people who listen to Rush?" That's small ball to Obama. See, Obama reads the polls like everyone else, he knows that outside of Rush's mouth-breathing, cross burning fan base - the garden variety person in the U.S of A thinks that Rush Limbaugh is a smoldering piece of shit. So, due to the republican party's lack of leadership, why not try to destroy the opposition by crowning some asshole whose advice has lead to big losses in the 06 midterm elections and the presidency? Not for nothing, but Barack Obama is a chess player amongst a sea of checkers aficionados. He's at least a rather stealthy "Hitman" player.