My case for MSNBC shit-caning Joe Scarborough

Most mornings, when I'm not virtually paralyzed from a night of binge drinking that would make Nick Cage's character in "Leaving Las Vegas" organize a swift intervention for me, or ushering some rather homely looking woman with criminally low levels of self esteem out of the hollowed halls of my porn fortress - I'm plopped down on my couch with a bowl of cereal watching "Morning Joe". Not so much because the show is particularly good mind you, its just happens to be better than anything else in that respective time slot. Its the morning show equivalent of having sex with Jan Brady, at least you get your proverbial nut(basic information) - but you would leave her milqtoast ass in a New York minute if Marcia's fine ass suddenly became available.(a serviceable show) Even though I characterize the co-host(Mika Brzezinski) as "the Ed McMahon of morning talk", a rather empty vessel paid to sheepishly nod and laugh on cue - and sincerely believe that a retarded monkey could do Willie Geist's job - my main point of contention is with that bottom feeding no-talent Joe Scarborough. If MSNBC really wants to crush their morning competition and abandon their "special Olympics, everyone gets a trophy" ratings, the answer is as clear as day. Shitcan Joe Scarborough, ASAP. Let me explain:

He has the personality of belly button lint: Ok, I know that there are more substantive reasons why MSNBC should give the ex-congressman the proverbial pink slip, reasons I will gladly go into shortly - but lacking an infectious personality as a host of a talk show is akin to a prostitute refusing to give head: You really should consider another fucking career. I mean, just look at their other hosts on MSNBC. Rachel Maddow has that lovably snarky, sarcastic thing down. Chris Matthews, even though his penchant for wearing his emotions of his sleeve often lands him in hot water, that same passion can also be a plus - his undying love for politics is infectious and usually masks any rhetorical hiccups he may have. Keith Olbermann's professorial attack dog shtick caught on largely because our 43rd Commander in Chief turned out to be the Barney Fife of Presidents, and his lazer-like accuracy behind the anchor desk gave argumentative people like myself fresh talking points to use on my Republican friends. Even hateful ass Pat "blacks benefited from slavery" Buchanan occasionally gives off a sort of grandfather vibe, when he isn't endorsing cross burnings and reading passages from Mein Kampf mind you - so when he does praise an Obama move you actually know that brother Barack is doing his thing. But Joe Scarborough isn't funny, has a personality that only a mortician would love, and rarely does he bring any new insight to the table that makes you rethink your previously held positions. Not only that, I'm a world class asshole who has been deceiving women since the late 80's - so I of all people can see right through his hamfisted republican "Eddie Haskell" routine.

His inaccuracy does his audience a disservice: If you don't have the garden variety personality traits that it requires to host a morning program, at least be factually accurate. I mean, I'm an NPR listener for Christs sake, so I'm used to receiving factual information while being bored out of my fucking skull. Also, I'm well aware that Joe Scarborough is a raging conservative, the fact that we would philosophically bump heads from time to time is a given - but facts are facts, unbeholden to any political party. From his felonious claim that Obama wanted higher taxes, his blatant misquotes, his habit of citing editorials as fact - and despite mounting evidence, his persistent and inaccurate claim that torture works. Get rid of this motherfucker already.

Homeboy is going to get fucked up: I love my mother dearly, she's the only person in existence that I would gladly sacrifice my life for without blinking - but one thing that I find truly reprehensible about the woman who gave me life is her television viewing habits. Specifically judge shows. I mean, there's no way in hell that Judge Judy or Judge Joe Brown would say half of the shit that comes out of their mouths if the proceedings weren't televised. More times than not I find myself saying, "I wish they addressed me like that, because they would need a fucking rescue team to retrieve that gavel out of their ass!" Something has dawned on me as I've watched his show for the past two years, Joe Scarborough is a bully, one who only resorts to said tactics when he's secure in the fact that those specific people won't kick his teeth down his fucking throat. From his petulant condescension of Rachel Maddow, his flailing attempt to bully David Shuster, or his despicable display of cantankerousness with Chrystia Freeland- I beg MSNBC, fire Joe Scarborough before someone not as gracious as the aforementioned three proceed to fuck homeboy up. Come on, having your host mercilessly stomped on morning television as if it was a gang initiation can't be a good thing for your network.