Monday, March 07, 2005
Jumping out of the Closet
A few months ago I mentioned in a post that I am one of those guys who people feel that they can just open up to, express their deepest feelings. Well, besides being a person that certain individuals have felt obliged to come out of the closet to, I have also been present to some very public displays of people expressing their new found gayness. From day one, since I started my blog, I have shared very personal stories for the world to see. Here are a few examples of real life situations that I have gone through.
My cousin Sean: I got a call from my mother about 4 oclock one morning. When you get a call that early you figure that someone died, or some national tragedy just happened. She says, "Critic, guess what??" Half asleep I say, "What mom?? Do you know what time it is?" She informs me that my cousin Sean just came out of the closet, with a sort of disbelief in her voice. I say to my mom, "Ma, I knew Sean was gay from the time he was 10 years old!!" She asks me to explain because she never noticed and I say the following: "Mom, when we were playing basketball he was playing double dutch. When we were playing with G.I. Joe he was collecting Pound Puppies. Remember when he used to wear his mother's dresses and high heels? He only had friends who were girls growing up, and when I paid a stunningly beautiful woman 60 bucks to "make the moves on him" when he was 20 he acted as if she had a contagious disease. Mom, Sean is gayer than Ru Paul at a gay pride parade singing show-tunes."
Homophobic Dad: Growing up, my friend Mitch had a dad that was a huge homophobe. When we would play football and someone made a mistake you could hear him in the distance saying, "What are you a fag??" For the past 20 years I came to realize his hatred for homosexuals, even expressing how he wanted to see all of them killed. His extreme views always made me uncomfortable, because I always felt that he possibly felt the same way about African Americans. As time passed, and I got bigger and more of an asshole, I used to challenge his very homophobic views. I used to tell him that I thought he was gay since 80% of his conversations were about homosexuals, which made him furious. I used to say, "Look at the stretch marks around your lips, your fruity ass isn't fooling anybody!" That used to get him irate. Fast forward to 2003 at his 60th birthday party where he told everyone in attendance that he had a announcement to make. He gathers everyone together, brings his lover out, and informs all of us that he is gay. I have to admit that he seemed at peace with himself and a big burden was lifted from his shoulders. But I couldn't let it go. I told him, in front of the crowd "Wait a minute, I had to hear the most hateful homophobic shit ever uttered and your ass is gay? What the fuck? I am glad that you came out the closet but let me be the first to say that you are a motherfucking asshole! You sorry son of a bitch!" OK, I was kind of drunk, but the intent was pure. He talked to me later and ironed things out, but when someone that you know is highly homophobic they might just play for the pink team.
Ex-girlfriend: In college I was in a intense relationship with a woman name Juanita. Even though I was in the middle of my "whore" phase, I tried my best to maintain the monogamy and treat her with the utmost respect. Along the way I made my mistakes like cursing out her dad when he told me that he was a black republican, throwing a drink in her homegirls face when she said that Juanita should leave me, and beating up her male friend when he said the wrong shit to me. That isn't that bad is it?? Youthful indiscretions is how I would categorize it. We dated a while but after about a year she broke up with me. I was crushed because I actually saw a future with her. About 3 years later I see her at a club with her "life-partner". She tells me that she always knew that she was gay and that she had recently came out of the closet. A feeling of relief came over me, and I said: "Wow, so you always knew you were gay?? That means that the reason our relationship ended wasn't because of me but because of your suppressed lesbian feelings. It is good to know that it wasn't my fault" Then she quickly put me in my place with the following rant: "Critic, we broke up because you were a first class asshole, my "gayness" had nothing to do with our separation. Come to think about it you were such a piss poor boyfriend that it's my theory that you drove me to my alternate lifestyle!" A few moments of discomfort passed and she said, "I'm kidding, you didn't make me gay but you were a asshole" Damn..
Everybody Loves Raymond: While in college I had a few things that I lived by. 1)That Hip Hop will never die 2) I have a obsession with breasts and think thighs 3) That black republicans should be slowly tortured and 4) That my friend Raymond was a bad motherfucker. For one thing, the guy could talk the drawers off a nun, totally unbelievable. Also, he was the toughest guy that I have ever known. One night I saw him take on two big bouncers and had them on the ground in less than a minute. This other night I was about to get my ass kicked by 4 frat guys that had me surrounded, until Ray saved my black ass by beating all of them with a pool stick. Maybe its because he was a couple of years older than me, but he was definitely a person that I looked up to. Ray was also the most popular guy on campus, I used to call him "Norm from cheers" because everybody seemed to know his name. One night he called me over to his apartment because he had something to tell me. When I get there he has tears streaming down his face, asking me to sit down. He sobbingly tells me that he has been living a lie and that he was indeed gay. At the time I remember thinking that I was honored that he would confide in me with that information. But then I asked, "But your a pimp Ray, what about all the girls you talk to?" He informs me that that was just a ruse, and that he never was intimate with any of the girls I saw him with. I was shocked, but I was proud of myself because my opinion of Ray never changed.