It has come to my attention while scanning my blog that a lot of my recent writings have been about looking into myself and my insecurities, faults, and overall mistakes. I must admit that it has been cathartic, sharing my personal faux paus with you good people out there in the blogisphere. But todays post isn't about self analyzing, just good old fashion blame. That's right, Blame. I have admitted that I have been distant, a prick, a conniving asshole, and all around lecherous son of a bitch when it came to my relationships with the opposite sex. But believe it or not, not all my relationship woes were my fault. Hard to believe? Check this out.
Boy Toy: Her name was Sofia, and she was the pure essence of beauty and elegance. She looked like Dorothy Dandridge, with cleavage like the Holland tunnel. I met her through a mutual friend, and even though she was 20 years my elder we connected immediately. It didn't hurt that Sofia was filthy rich and didn't mind spending countless amounts of money on me. I'm not ghetto, I was raised in a middle class community and the only time I have been to a project is when I was picking up some unaware bastard's daughter to touch in a inappropriate manner...But, Sophia took me places that were of the highest quality. Fine Dining, clothes, dancing, for a college kid I was in heaven. What they say about women over 40 being at their prime is true, and since a man's prime is around 18 you can guess that the sex between us was damn near criminal. I had the time of my life until I noticed something rather strange. For one thing she started demanding that I be somewhere at a certain time and that I "better not" be late. Very demanding, I almost felt like I was being talked to like a disobedient pet. Then in public, she tried to talk to me like a child, which was embarrassing for the both of us because of the verbal venom that I can spew. To add insult to injury she didn't really listen to me when I talked. You know the way a busy parent addresses a child when the kid is asking them a plethora of questions?? "Uh huh..OK, yeah" OK, blame my late realization on the fact that I was 20 at the time, but a epiphany hit me like a sack of bricks. "I'm her fucking boy toy!!! After that realization I can kind of sympathize with women who feel objectified and wanted only for what they can do in the bedroom. Some guys might like the idea of being used for simply sex, but when you realize that your mind is irrelevant and you are only good for intercourse it can be rather demeaning. She had as much emotional attachment to me as a average woman has to her Dildo. Shortly after I came to my senses I cut it off with her, telling her that I am "No ones bitch". She looked amazed and classically said the following, "But what about all the money I have invested in you? What will you do without me? Oh well, you can be replaced." I smiled, placed her keys on the table and said, "you take care of yourself Sophia" and walked out of her overpriced apartment.
Simone: I met this Caribbean delight at a get together a college friend was having one summer night. She was gorgeous, brilliant, an ass that you can put a drink on, besides I am a sucker for accents. We hit it off and we were a couple almost immediately. We had a beautiful time, and like a person who takes their first hit of cooked cocaine I knew I was hooked. Slowly, as time went on, the fact that she was crazy as catshit began to show itself. From overwhelming jealousy, fits of rage, and when she got drunk she used to say crazy shit like "What would you do if I stabbed you right now". I used to reply, "Probably bleed you silly bitch!" It got downright scary, especially when I opened my eyes from a long sleep and she was standing over me with a menacing look on her face. It didn't help matters that my old man told me something about some Caribbean women putting period blood in food to control their man.(If I am wrong about this, please check me on it) Lets just say the only thing I ate at her house was popcorn, potato chips, anything that came in a sealed bag. When I did try to break it off with her it was ugly, she had actually said she was going to get a gun and "kill my Yankee ass". I have to be honest, even though I have never hit a woman, I have never came so close to beating a chicks ass during my lifetime. In my pathetic male mind I wanted to think that the way that I "put it on her" caused her to act in such a way, but I suspect that she has been nuttier than squirrel shit her entire life.
Mary: Again with the accents, but this is the British variety. This UK import and I had met at a bar in Downtown Norfolk. We discussed politics of the day, her Nigerian parents, Hip Hop, American women vs. English women, and other topics that are blocked out of my mind due to excessive alcohol and me staring at her thighs all night. We have a good time and we exchange numbers, that was that. About a week later I give her a call and we plan to spend the day together. We had a good time, shortly after that we began dating. She was sharp, and I swear she was the first woman that I have ever known that knows something about every topic you can imagine. From mechanics, music, the Final Four, Jim Brown's stats, comic books, fashion, obscure Hip hop..truly amazing. But like Sophia and Simone the cracks in Mary's armor began to show. Let me explain: She always used the term "taking a piss". Like if I was being sarcastic with her, or joking around, she would ask, "Are you taking a piss". That was her lingo. OK, we are sitting in bed and she turns to me and asks me, "You wanna take a piss on me?" So I reply, "Why would I want to joke you??" She said, "No, you don't understand. Do you want to URINATE on me??" "Urinate on you??", I said. She went on to say that she has a piss fetish and every boyfriend that she has had has done that to her. I don't get disgusted yet because I just knew that she is kidding, but after waiting for the punchline she says the following, "I also like for guys to take a shit on me also. Come on love, you will like it!" Suddenly my mind flashes back to when I licked every inch of her body, then I have visions of all the guys that shit on her and I get extremely nauseous. I run out of her apartment only wearing my boxers in 35 degree weather, vomiting my guts out. As I am hunched over, and the bile is dripping from my lips I turn my head and scream towards her second floor window and say "You nasty bitch!!" I wish I tried to understand her fetish and not judge her for it, but I simply couldn't get that shit out of my mind. To top it all off she had the nerve to tell me the following, "I though you Yanks were supposed to be so adventurous." I told her, "If we are talking about white water rafting, fucking in a public bathroom, or gambling 3 thousand dollars in Vegas then yeah, I'm up for the adventure. But eating someone feces is jut downright nasty."