Friday, March 18, 2005

Psychopathic Girlfriend 101

It has come to my attention while scanning my blog that a lot of my recent writings have been about looking into myself and my insecurities, faults, and overall mistakes. I must admit that it has been cathartic, sharing my personal faux paus with you good people out there in the blogisphere. But todays post isn't about self analyzing, just good old fashion blame. That's right, Blame. I have admitted that I have been distant, a prick, a conniving asshole, and all around lecherous son of a bitch when it came to my relationships with the opposite sex. But believe it or not, not all my relationship woes were my fault. Hard to believe? Check this out.

Boy Toy: Her name was Sofia, and she was the pure essence of beauty and elegance. She looked like Dorothy Dandridge, with cleavage like the Holland tunnel. I met her through a mutual friend, and even though she was 20 years my elder we connected immediately. It didn't hurt that Sofia was filthy rich and didn't mind spending countless amounts of money on me. I'm not ghetto, I was raised in a middle class community and the only time I have been to a project is when I was picking up some unaware bastard's daughter to touch in a inappropriate manner...But, Sophia took me places that were of the highest quality. Fine Dining, clothes, dancing, for a college kid I was in heaven. What they say about women over 40 being at their prime is true, and since a man's prime is around 18 you can guess that the sex between us was damn near criminal. I had the time of my life until I noticed something rather strange. For one thing she started demanding that I be somewhere at a certain time and that I "better not" be late. Very demanding, I almost felt like I was being talked to like a disobedient pet. Then in public, she tried to talk to me like a child, which was embarrassing for the both of us because of the verbal venom that I can spew. To add insult to injury she didn't really listen to me when I talked. You know the way a busy parent addresses a child when the kid is asking them a plethora of questions?? "Uh huh..OK, yeah" OK, blame my late realization on the fact that I was 20 at the time, but a epiphany hit me like a sack of bricks. "I'm her fucking boy toy!!! After that realization I can kind of sympathize with women who feel objectified and wanted only for what they can do in the bedroom. Some guys might like the idea of being used for simply sex, but when you realize that your mind is irrelevant and you are only good for intercourse it can be rather demeaning. She had as much emotional attachment to me as a average woman has to her Dildo. Shortly after I came to my senses I cut it off with her, telling her that I am "No ones bitch". She looked amazed and classically said the following, "But what about all the money I have invested in you? What will you do without me? Oh well, you can be replaced." I smiled, placed her keys on the table and said, "you take care of yourself Sophia" and walked out of her overpriced apartment.

Simone: I met this Caribbean delight at a get together a college friend was having one summer night. She was gorgeous, brilliant, an ass that you can put a drink on, besides I am a sucker for accents. We hit it off and we were a couple almost immediately. We had a beautiful time, and like a person who takes their first hit of cooked cocaine I knew I was hooked. Slowly, as time went on, the fact that she was crazy as catshit began to show itself. From overwhelming jealousy, fits of rage, and when she got drunk she used to say crazy shit like "What would you do if I stabbed you right now". I used to reply, "Probably bleed you silly bitch!" It got downright scary, especially when I opened my eyes from a long sleep and she was standing over me with a menacing look on her face. It didn't help matters that my old man told me something about some Caribbean women putting period blood in food to control their man.(If I am wrong about this, please check me on it) Lets just say the only thing I ate at her house was popcorn, potato chips, anything that came in a sealed bag. When I did try to break it off with her it was ugly, she had actually said she was going to get a gun and "kill my Yankee ass". I have to be honest, even though I have never hit a woman, I have never came so close to beating a chicks ass during my lifetime. In my pathetic male mind I wanted to think that the way that I "put it on her" caused her to act in such a way, but I suspect that she has been nuttier than squirrel shit her entire life.

Mary: Again with the accents, but this is the British variety. This UK import and I had met at a bar in Downtown Norfolk. We discussed politics of the day, her Nigerian parents, Hip Hop, American women vs. English women, and other topics that are blocked out of my mind due to excessive alcohol and me staring at her thighs all night. We have a good time and we exchange numbers, that was that. About a week later I give her a call and we plan to spend the day together. We had a good time, shortly after that we began dating. She was sharp, and I swear she was the first woman that I have ever known that knows something about every topic you can imagine. From mechanics, music, the Final Four, Jim Brown's stats, comic books, fashion, obscure Hip hop..truly amazing. But like Sophia and Simone the cracks in Mary's armor began to show. Let me explain: She always used the term "taking a piss". Like if I was being sarcastic with her, or joking around, she would ask, "Are you taking a piss". That was her lingo. OK, we are sitting in bed and she turns to me and asks me, "You wanna take a piss on me?" So I reply, "Why would I want to joke you??" She said, "No, you don't understand. Do you want to URINATE on me??" "Urinate on you??", I said. She went on to say that she has a piss fetish and every boyfriend that she has had has done that to her. I don't get disgusted yet because I just knew that she is kidding, but after waiting for the punchline she says the following, "I also like for guys to take a shit on me also. Come on love, you will like it!" Suddenly my mind flashes back to when I licked every inch of her body, then I have visions of all the guys that shit on her and I get extremely nauseous. I run out of her apartment only wearing my boxers in 35 degree weather, vomiting my guts out. As I am hunched over, and the bile is dripping from my lips I turn my head and scream towards her second floor window and say "You nasty bitch!!" I wish I tried to understand her fetish and not judge her for it, but I simply couldn't get that shit out of my mind. To top it all off she had the nerve to tell me the following, "I though you Yanks were supposed to be so adventurous." I told her, "If we are talking about white water rafting, fucking in a public bathroom, or gambling 3 thousand dollars in Vegas then yeah, I'm up for the adventure. But eating someone feces is jut downright nasty."

20 comments:

greggy said...

ewwwwww!! That Mary/Rosylyn woman made even me barf while reading! Once (and only once) when I was super inebriated I urinated in an old girlfriend but that was purely by mistake! I was too dam drunk at the time to know the difference...LOL...needless to say she was not amused!!

DaKelzz said...

I too have been a boy toy to an older woman and you are absolutely correct..that shit is fun in the beginning, but that soon deteriorates leaving a bunch of nothing...

*smh* Crazy broads....I tell you...

Dr. Strangejazz said...

Damn HC that UK chick Mary was a FREAK.

Keep the stories coming.

E to the dwige said...

LMAO! Now those are too funny. Sorry dude but I've never heard of the period blood to control a man thing and my family is from the caribbean.

Luke Cage said...

HC dude, you know you're wrong bringing up that last story man. But I give you maaaaad nuts for doing it. I'm of Haitian descent, and I have heard the old wives tale about period blood being placed into the stew, food and legume' as it is referred to among my nationality for the sake of total empowerment over the man. Whether it works, I don't know, but it sure is nasssty if a sista tried that! ....

Ahhh..you made me reminisce over her. When I was a boytoy. My first woman was 29 and I was 18...and the thing about her was uh..whooops, this is your blog man.-lol Anyway, cool post. I'm glad that the psychos spread the wealth and I wasn't the only one who went thru some of that!

Myrah said...

HC funny as usual! I have heard of the blood in the food! Gross! I just would not want a man that bad! I wonder what you do when it starts to wear off? Yuck!!

Jdid said...

A wise man killed one horse and made glue
Wicked women puttin period blood in stew
Don't that make the stew witches brew?
I fear for the eighty-five that don't got a clue

heard about the blood thing but just as an old wives tale and I grw up in the caribbean. Still better safe than sorry and if you dont trust the chick dont eat from her.

and homegirl with the pissing and shitting was sick.

B.E.G said...

EWWWW, That pee/poop thing is just nasty!! and I've heard about that blood thing although it wasn't tied to the Carribean.

SunShyn said...

ewwwwww....just plain yuck...

melette said...

Great post, Critic!!! You sure can pick them!! LOL!!!

josie said...

i like your old girlfriends tale. i am a caribbean gyal but no need to fear me. i don't think i ever really heard of it but that aint a thing to really share.

Dayrell said...

*shivers*

Yuck! Ok Boy toy. I took that one alright. Period blood. I started to get a little queezy there, but was still standing. However when you ended it with feces I just about passed the f*ck out. That's NASTY as hell!!! Damn you sure have had an eventful life huh? And an even more eventful dating life...lol. Funny. I like your stories...lol. :)

gonebabygone said...

About that last chick...kack!
That is so friggin nasty.

On another note, I have never known someone so obsessed with thighs. Shit, if I'd have known there was such a thing as a "thigh man" I would have had WAY better self-esteem when I was younger.

Gift said...

lol at you. We've all been there atleast I'd like to think so. I just broke up with a crazy ex boyfriend. There should be a support group somewhere. "I'm Gift and I've had a Psychopathic Boyfriend"..

lindsay-lee said...

Wassup with you and the older ladies?! These stories were hilarious and that last girl was nasty. You should have thrown up ON her..... but she may have actually liked that.

kashata said...

LOL HC! your women are all a mess!!,where the hell do you pick them up??.Funny post as usual,the whole blood in the period madness i've heard before guess there psychotic women all over the world.I'm not even going to touch the pee/poo topic.

the kid said...

Yucky, Yucky, Yucky!!!!

sivad said...

you are hilarious. that's just disgusting. you're such a visual writer it's great. i almost became nauseous with you thinking about poor you licking every inch of that girl's body. ROFL

stephenomenal said...

i've heard of the blood thing before. one from the horses mouth. I'll spare you the details

Shirazi said...

But are there more stories. Put them up. Wonderful read thought I can imagine what each one might have done when lived.