Friday, July 01, 2005

Tales from the Gold Mine

During the course of writing this blog I have noticed that there is a price to pay for being open and honest about your life. Listen, when people claim that I am a chronic exaggerator, a ultra violent maniac, and even a persistent complainer(here), all I can do is respect their opinion but respectfully disagree. But one thing that I can agree with though, is that I have shown a tendency to be an outright pig sometimes. From my rules to cheating, and my sexual encounters(and here), I can see why people would think that I am the male equivalent to a farm animal. But when I look at myself seriously, I might talk a ton of shit, but I still believe in a few things. 1: Chivalry 2: Paying for dates 3: Respect(that's a two way street though) and 4: Never calling a woman out of her name.(Unless she tries to kill you, smack you, says her favorite song involving Q-Tip is "Vibrant Thing", or voted for George Bush strictly because he opposed abortion. Bitch.) One thing that has baffled me during the tenure of my dating career is the infamous "Gold digger." Here are a few personal examples when I have encountered them.

Renee: I should have known that Renee would be trouble because when I met her in a club, she looked very uncomfortable. Not in a "this club is wack" kind of way, but in a "these silly Negros are beneath me kind of way". I never thought uttering the phrase, "What stick is up your ass lady!?", would spark off a impromptu conversation that would lead to me getting her number. Flash forward about a week, and since she said she liked Sushi I took her to one of the best places in town. The whole time she complained about how the "Sushi here doesn't compare to the Sushi in Japan", which would probably be very true if the cooks names were "Billy Bob" and "John-boy". But the two chefs were straight off the "Orient Express", just got to Virginia, so when I informed her of that she acted like she didn't hear me. We get to her house and it is decked out, the best furniture, expensive rugs, chandeliers, and I can't forget the brand new Mercedes in the driveway. I asked her what she did for a living before but I think she changed the subject, so I asked her again, "What do you do?" She had stated that she was in between jobs at the moment. I asked her, "OK, what DID you do?" Her answer, still vague, was "A little bit of this, a little bit of that." What the fuck?!! I knew she wasn't into drugs because of the horrified look she gave me when I lit a joint on the way to her house. So the next couple of weeks were spent not trying to get to know her better, and build a strong foundation for a relationship, but to find out how in the fuck does she made her money!!

She was like "Tommy" from Martin's sitcom, has money but doesn't have a job to show for. Through my investigative skills, OK-my nosy ass poking and prodding, I found out that Renee hadn't had a real job since the first Clinton term. She, for lack of a better word, turned out to be a Gold Digger.

Sandra: Just like I said in a previous post that women should believe me when I tell them that I'm an "asshole", well I should of believed her when she said that men couldn't handle her. I couldn't handle her, or shall I say her expensive tastes. The first date we went on was this snooty french restaurant where everyone there looked very uptight, or in desperate need to take a shit, regardless this wasn't my scene. The waiter was a pretentious prick named Pierre, who knew Sandra pretty well, because the whole night they were bouncing "inside jokes" off of one another. About 30 minutes into our time there she finally introduced me to Pierre, with Pierre saying "Oh, how do you do" with a "so-fucking-what" attitude. I have to say, as a man, I despise a weak ass handshake. His hand felt like a bowl of jello, or a newborn baby's ass, so to be an asshole I shook his hand with the same force you use to crush a beer can as hard as you can. To hear that jackass lightly whimper in pain gave me an enjoyment that you wouldn't believe. Anyway, when she ordered the food she asked for some old ass wine, but I was so transfixed on her breasts that she could have ordered anything. We eat our food, drink the wine, I listen to her tell me that "her body doesn't touch anything but silk when I sleep", and other booshy bullshit. I get the bill and the wine she ordered was 200 bucks! What I said next offended her, but I think that her ordering wine that expensive without checking with me was rather offensive. Anyway, I said, "I see we're fucking tonight huh?" She was "appalled" and asked me "What kind of man can't pay for $300 dollar wine?" I said, "A man who is on a first date with some broad he just met, that's who!" It was apparent that I would never see her naked, make her count the tiles on her ceilings, or give her 3 minutes of pure Ecstasy, so I started saying wildly inappropriate things to her. Like "I guess you can work off that 300 dollars in a 'I come by and hit that when I want' payment plan." Whatever I said was irrelevant though, because I still payed the bill. I sure can be a schmuck sometimes.

Marilyn: There are always signs when someone is absolutely trouble. The sign this time was when Marilyn and I went to a movie one night. After the movie, as I waited for her to get out of the bathroom, this disheveled gentlemen quickly approaches me. He informs me that he is Marilyn's ex-boyfriend and that he doesn't wish me any harm, just to warn me that she was a gold digger who is more problems than she is worth. Usually I would curse out ex-boyfriends, or simply chop them in the throat, but he had a weird sincerity in his voice which made me actually half-way listen to him. He bolted off as soon as Marilyn came out of the bathroom and I didn't think about what he said until about a week later. The first time Marilyn saw where I was living at the time, even though I had only known her briefly, she started making plans for my place of residence. She would say, "We could add a whole new wing there, a game room would look excellent there, we could really use a bar right there!" What is this "we" shit, I just planned on going on a few dates with you, leaving you unsatisfied as I tip-toe out of your house at 5 in the morning, not become roommates with benefits! As crazy as that was, I thought I could brush that off as a sporadic moment of craziness. But I knew shit was absolutely real when a guy came by to do measurements, saying that he was a carpenter who was hired by Marilyn to "make some changes". I politely told the carpenter, along with Marilyn to "Fuck off!"

Pamela: When you are in a committed relationship, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you helping your partner out financially when they are in a bind. I may be an asshole, but I'm not cheap when it comes to supporting a loved one. But if you aren't on a girlfriend status, just some miscellaneous woman that I am randomly renting my "man-hood" to, don't treat me lie a fucking ATM. Pamela was obviously used to guys giving her what she wanted because she had a big butt and a smile. Listen, a huge derriere and some pearly whites are a sight to be seen, no doubt about that, but it doesn't stop my brain from functioning either. It seems that just because we had sex she wanted me to pay her rent, seriously. There were two things that I desperately wanted to say to her but didn't have the balls to say it at that moment. 1: "Give you 800 dollars for some mediocre ass, I could have gotten that for around 100" and 2: I wanted to quote Ice Cube when he said, "Give you money why bother/Cause you know I'm looking nothing like your father!" Anyway, when I refused she acted like I wasn't deserving of the title "man", and to be honest she was rather convincing because I even considered helping her out. Right when I pulled out my ATM an image of my father appeared, like a ghetto Obi Wan! Dad: I know I taught you better than that! Don't let that girl gank you for all your cheddar son!" Me:Why are you talking like that? Dad: I've been hanging with Tupac, nice kid, kind of excitable though.

My dad, or my vision of my dad which hopefully was really him and not a schizophrenic episode, was right. It was over as soon as I realized what I had to do, along with the fact that in a hour time period she asked me to buy her mother groceries and give her little sister money for prom. Parrish Smith of EPMD was right, when he said in the song "Gold Digger": "So to fellas, who wanna keep they cash /Beware of the jack hammer and the helmet that glows/Cause she's a gold digger"

54 comments:

Luke Cage said...

Your opening monologue was a cool segue for the remainder of the post speaking volumes about your honesty, and what other people take from your blogs. Folks gotta respect that or they should keep it moving.

While the few things that you pointed out, listings 1-4 were on point, the entire Pamela piece was straight up classic all the way to Brentwood's finest' quote. Nice post to close out the week man. Have a good 4th of July HC.

Mad Bull said...

You met some crazy mixed-up dames, HC! $200 for wine? :-o I don't even like wine! Sending the carpenter to MY house? They must be trippin'... happy July 4 too...

Anonymous said...

Great post man. 200 bucks! I would of left her ass there!

FantasyFootballGuru said...

I dated a woman one time that wanted me to pay for sons tuition. Just crazy!

U-Liang said...

Man, it felt like I was there with you. You are a great writer man.

Amadeo said...

See...stories like this are why I often consider becoming a man-whore. "If you really loved me you buy me the new Xbox and 45 inch flat screen."

piranha said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
piranha said...

as for your opening lines: i looked at his site and man, i just guess those people are awfully jealous of those who receive so many comments as you do. boy, i am jealous too! but who cares! really....egomanicas who can promote themselves are apparently much happier than those who cannot. hehehe.

and the rest. man, that is classic. Considering my current situation I should maybe stop to act so stupidly proud all the time and let guys buy me at least the drinks. jesus. the carpenter. 200 for wine. unbelievable. oh, could you maybe buy me this hot bikini? i surely would look great in it.... ;-)

p
ps to be honest: the fact that this guy had a cool appartment made him all the more attractive when I considered that I didn't have a place to stay hahaha. (just joking)

MEP said...

HC, you never fail to write a post full of fun and craziness. Stinking hillarious!

"So I guess we're fucking tonight?"

INSTANT CLASSIC.

BLESSD1 said...

Man...just recently, I had been conversing with this one, really attractive young lady who usually gets whatever she wants from guys that she dates because of her good looks. We had some pretty good conversations, and she was growing on me like moss. When we got to the "let's go out on a date" phase, she was like, "Hmmm...I wanna really good steak". I suggested Longhorn's Steakhouse, and she said all boojie-like, "Oh...I don't do Longhorn's; let's go to Ruth & Chris' Steakhouse"....a steakhouse where when you buy a steak, you get just that; salad and baked potato and drink are all seperate. My friend recently took his girl of 2 years there for their second anniversary and spent $250. I, by no means, am not a cheap date, but DAMN!!! This was a FIRST date. I, as politely as I could, informed her that if I was to take her to such an expensive restaurant, I'd have very "high expectations" for the night. We wouldn't just be screwing; she'd have to do some really "archaic" shit. To say the least, I don't think that I'll ever be seeing her lovely form naked, or even speaking with her anymore. Ah well...c'est la vie! Great post man.

ManNMotion said...

LOL @ your dad steppin in to play Obi Wan...I seriously wonder how these women get people to pay their rent because it's something I just don't understand.

vagitis said...

you know this is really sad, but this is why all of the white brothers date white women, because as i always say. as long as they see that big schlong they'll slob your knob all day and all night long."

Nikki said...

Coming from a woman, I think that you should have made her come out of pocket for ordering wine that expensive, especially since it was a first date.

Running2Ks said...

Blogs, or at least most I've read (including my own), are creative OUTLETS. That means that you edit your life. They are no more an accurate picture than "reality tv". They often contain extremes, or extremely funnies. I enjoy your writing, and I take it for what it is. I have no idea who you are.

Coffey0072 said...

hahah, funny post..
btw, I posted on that dude's blog who accused you of complaining.
I explained to him that you aren't a complaining but that you have a great knack for relaying social discourse, rather.
I told him a blog IS a public journal, and you're writing what you'd probably be putting in your journal.
Hey, some people have interesting lives and can relay the hell out of them...
and some people are boring and can't generate the readership.
So anyway, at least he got 2 new readers to post on his blog, courtesy of the H to the C.

ciao!

Coffey0072 said...

P.S.
I loathe golddiggers. I NEVER go out to dinner on a first date. I usually suggest nice (but reasonable) place for a drink or coffee.
I figure dinner is something one must work their way up to... woman OR man.

I am a snob on many different levels (within reason, though), but I would never go out with a man, EXPECTING him to pay for overpriced meals and drinks.

VAN007 said...

LMAO!!! I can't believe all this stuff actually happened.... I have been trying to catch up on these entries. TOO TOO Funny!!!

Sumter, S.C..... we might be related.

Rainmayun said...

see, this is why the man should always choose the first date. since you gotta pay, you should call the shots. Any woman who isn't cool with that is probably a golddigger. Might be a good way to weed them out.

Sounds like that last girl just wanted a sugar daddy, which I consider to be a different beast. But either way, the follow up lines to that $300 restaurant bill were hilarious... I had to stifle myself at work!

coley said...

"I see we're fucking tonight huh?" ..... CLASSIC!!!! I would've loved to see the look on her face after you said that! You should have left that bitch there to pay the bill herself!

And I'm with Rainmayun... Who ever pays, calls the shots!

coley said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
confusion says said...

Hehehe. It's wonderfully refreshing to see another person's point of view when it comes to dating. I am terribly naive how dating is done here in the US. How odd that you encounter so many of these gold diggers. Are you sure you are hanging out in the right places?

kozmic_cocoa said...

What's this dudes problem with your complaining about life? This is your BLOG. You write down your feelings. If you feel like complaining so be it. He seems so envious, I feel sorry for him. If you want to complain about the evils of one-ply toilet paper, why the hell should it bug him? Is he complaining about complaining? Good grief. He's just jealous because you're so popular. Andy Rooney's a complainer, so was Erma Bombeck, they are both funny.

By the way, get on over to my blog site and tell me who you think should play Wonder Woman. I'm thinking Jesica Biel.

CaffeineDiva said...

Damn you dated some wacked out chicks! I personally hate gold diggers. But to be fair, I have also dated some guys who are the male equivalent to gold diggers, they're called losers who take advantage of a generous woman! I was then called a fool by a few well meaning friends & encouraged to become a gold digger... I just don't have the stomach for it!
Man you always seem to make me giggle! Great post

E_1979 said...

Gold diggers. See I got this twisted plan I actually want to meet some gold diggers ... and use their money seeking skills to pad my own pockets..........every bitch got a weakness

mattles said...

You say that you "respectfully disagree," right? Fuck that, man. Nothing says "fuck off and die" like making jabs at peoples sexuality, apprearance, family...actually fuck THAT, even. Jabs? What am I, going soft? Full out verbal gashes, slices and lacerations is what the anonymous or not-spanonymous heckler needs. It can be quite amusing when they try and retort too.

PS- I like the material, man, it's good. Have your dad say 'Hi' to Tupac for me- tell him Curly M tells him to drop in some time.

Alex said...

You seem to have had more than your fair share of those kind of women. Oh and bless you for just coming out and saying you're an asshole. Some of us appreciate that, lets us know exactly what to expect.

Ladylullaby said...

bloghoppin.. first time here and already a fan!

Rock on mate! ;)

Jdid said...

nice post. I actually dont find you much of a complainer, its more like this is my take on shit thats happened to me.

miyna said...

i don't know about some of these broads, man, seriously. i'm sorry, on behalf of my entire gender, that you (and other men) have to put up with women like that.

lol @ Sandra's "payment plan"...

Braleigh said...

Man, I love your material. Hilarious. I fear I've become addicted...

Master of None said...

First time read here, very funny.

angelamichelle said...

Thanks for the link/exposure. Love the blog - keep it up. Yes, I'm aware of the myriad topics you post about...that's half the interest that keeps drawing me back for more.

mellancollyeyes said...

aha! haha!

seriously, if some guy said to me "I guess we're fucking tonight" I would laugh so hard I'd pee myself and then nod in agreement.

"I've been hangin with Tupac."

holy crap, it just continues to be funny!

NML said...

'just some miscellaneous woman that I am randomly renting my "man-hood" to' - Brilliant post but tht line was my favourite. You sure go out with some strange women!

introspectre said...

That's crazy. I so do not understand chicks like that. Crazier still? Some guys dig them. I don't get that either. If I'm into a man for love or sex, it's not about money either way.
No mixing business with pleasure, I say.

blue2go said...

Always funny and entertaining! No wonder you get so many comments and that other guy is envious. Too bad for him...
The part about your Dad was so funny! As another commenter pointed out, men can be gold-diggers too, I was married to one. He decided he wanted to stay home and let me pay for everything. That didn't work out well for me, so I left. Poor bastard had to find another sucker.

dParker2.0 said...

"'Come back and hit that anytime I want' payment plan"... Priceless!

ProgressivePatriot said...

I've met a few of those types, HC.

I decided to stick with fishing and collecting more toys.

The guy with the most toys when he dies....wins.

Amanda said...

HC. i'm glad you stumbled across my blog, coz now i've been exposed to yours. Although this is gonna be terrible for my reading-novels-quota, because i'd rather check to see if you've updated than find the page i left off of in the latest book i'm *supposed* to be reading. Peace.

**RPM** said...

I marvel sometimes, at the stories I hear about some women. I need to get back to my home planet. I can thank my Dad for my sometimes overwhelming pride and independent nature. The more involved I have been with a guy - the more determined I have been to show how truly self-sufficient I am. Drives my guy crazy. He can barely open the door for me - let alone give me rent money. Eeesh...Just thinking about it melts my mind.

**RPM**

Coffey0072 said...

Male equivalent to Golddiggers? Platinum Miners (tee hee, just made it up).
They're the worst too. Common gigolos, the lot.
People, who use other people for financial gain are co-dependent and insecure sonso'bitches!

Brother OMi said...

>>I said, "I see we're fucking tonight huh?" She was "appalled" and asked me "What kind of man can't pay for $300 dollar wine?" I said, "A man who is on a first date with some broad he just met, that's who!" <<

classic man, classic. you gotta do a movie man..

puresincerity said...

Every man pays for the pussy in one way shape or form, question is how much is too much. Hell even the Chinese people give you a couple free samples on a toothpick b4 you need gone and pay for the orange chicken. Some women(like those one that you described)must be crazy. But you know what, its our fault, yup because of the dudes out there that will put the mansion on the market just for some ass. dyck is just as priceless as the trim is, how much are they willing to pay?

Sankofa said...

I'm confused....does this mean that you are NOT going to pay my car payment? Just wondering...lololol.

Great post Papi...I am tripping over the carpenter...my goodness.

Smooches!

Chele said...

Good googly moo....you truly ARE an ass. At least you're an honest ass.

I know you were dating some bougie chicks....because you lived to tell about it. A sista from around the way would have backed over you in the parking lot and then called lil dookie n nem to come fix the tire she busted running over you. lol

PlatinumGirl said...

Amazing. I've never asked a man for anything. Ever. I was never exactly living high on the hog, but I had everything I needed and everything I owned I paid for with my own damned money. It wouldn't even occur to me to ask someone for money or to have them pay for something on my behalf. Dinner is one thing -- rent is another thing entirely! NEVER.

GradieGreen said...

How are all these people becoming gold-diggers? I have dated a couple of men with the same traits that you described. Is there some sort of camp or convention that they attend once a year to brush up on their skills of hustling people out of their money? Hmmm, makes me wonder.

cheH said...

OMG This is so hilarious!! keep it up & will keep on reading here!:)

kind regards,

SweetBianca said...

Yeah man, you should have seen it coming with a few of those chicks. But you live and you learn~

Joaquin "The Rooster" Ochoa said...

Dog,

You can't see these girls a mile away?

BlueAngel said...

Hilarious! I'm sorry that you had to go through all of that.

anit said...

I'm certainly all late, but just as well. Gold diggers are interesting to me, I can't imagine putting myself in the position to be taken care of by someone I just met or don't have some long standing commitment to...

But back to commenting on your post, I liked it and more importantly I appreciated your concrete examples of gold diggers. I have heard a fair amount of stories from men who have nothing gold from which to go digging who yet and still complain about women who were just after their money or posessions. Financial contribution to a relationship/date/whatever by itself certainly doesn't amont to gold digging, but in your case expensive dinners, unreasonable requests from someone who is practically a stranger to you, etc etc would indeed fit into the category of gold diggers (which I imagine is why you included them in the post).

Ok, that's the end of my 2 cents.

Soul Searching said...

Hilarious as usual!

Kelly said...

A friend of mine is a definite gold digger. My boyfriend likes to tell her so in not-so-nice ways as well!

Great post, kept me laughing as usual.