Let me start this post asking all of you one question: Is it customary for your therapist to call you an asshole? I'm just wondering, because I thought those motherfuckers were just supposed to sit there, listen, and after I explain something they say, "So, how do you feel about that?" OK, let me explain the circumstances surrounding her calling me an "asshole". She was asking me what fueled my rage nowadays, and when I didn't give her a sufficient answer she angrily replied, "So basically you an asshole! You're an asshole, so you are satisfied with that?" I paused, smiled, and said "Yeah, I kind of am.." I don't know if my shrink is a quack or not, but anytime you make a therapist sigh, roll their eyes, and curse you, it can't be a good sign. One thing that we did figure out during our session was that most of my episodes of violence as a kid were against Bully's, and the "Bully" represented my father in some sort of way. Here are some examples of Bully's I have encountered and how I dealt with them.
Patrick:(circa 1983) This guy was the stereotypical bully, taller than the other kids and wasn't shy about putting you on the business end of his fist. With most Bully's it is understood that if you stay under their radar and give them what they want, you won't get messed with that bad. Not Patrick, that motherfucker used to hit kids in the mouth that obeyed his unreasonable demands. I know that currently I fear no man, but back then Patrick almost made me pee myself when he confronted me on the playground one afternoon.(I'm not going to lie, a few drops of pee DID indeed come out) I knew that fighting him would be a big mistake and I didn't want any parts of Patrick. It got to the point that thinking about ways to avoid him was a constantly in my head. Shit, I used to think about this bastard on the weekends, that's when I knew he had to go. I got my opportunity when Patrick decided that he wanted to bring his dad's gun to school to show some of his buddies. So I did what any self respecting young man would have done, I snitched on his ass. As soon as I told my teacher the principle called his parents, they came and got him, and rumor had it that he was being kicked out of school. As Patrick was sobbingly led away by his parents he turned to all of us and said, "Who told on me? Who's the tattle tale?" I wasn't going to say anything, but I figured "fuck it". So I pointed to myself, gave him a parade-like waive, and gave him the finger. I felt great, until I realized that if I might have screwed myself if somehow Patrick is miraculous let back.
John:(circa 1984) I did a brief stink at a Catholic Elementary school(why do I make it sound like a prison term) where I had a lot of good times. Each day I craved recess because of the monotony of school, a chance to pummel someone at dodge-ball, and seeing girls in their ultra sexy catholic school uniforms.(I know I have always been a perv) There was a older kid named John who used to beat the shit out of my friend Preston on a daily basis. Even though Preston was my boy and I should have had his back, I wasn't going to risk being embarrassed in front of all the plaid skirted girls in close proximity. Each day Preston would come to me, crying, and say "Why didn't you help me??" Like an asshole I would say, "Man, we aren't cool like that, I hardly know you!" Then he would angrily reply, "I have known you since we were three!!(wiping tears)That's messed up." This continued about a month until something terrible happened, John smacked the shit out of me in front of some girls that I liked. To add insult to injury, the girls in question laughed their ass off as if they were being tickled or some shit. I approached Preston and said, (wiping tears) "This motherfucker has to be stopped!" Preston nodded his head in a "Ohh, NOW you want to do something!" look. Preston and I planned a good old fashion "jumping" which took some planning. See good folks, the key to jumping somebody is where everyone beats a persons ass at the same time. The plot usually falls apart when people attack sporadically, giving the recipient of said ass-whipping time to recover. Anyway, Preston, me, a kid named Jesse, Frank, Carlos, and a couple of others ran toward John and proceed in beating the Catholicism out of that motherfucker. All I remember is the sight of plaid green ties flying around as fists of fury were thrown in John's direction. I kind of feel bad about that incident because he went to the hospital for some stitches and we got into a gang of trouble. I can somehow imagine John somewhere now cleaning his shotgun, with my name on his list of people he plans on getting even with.
Reggie:(circa 1991) This guy was like the biggest drug dealer in my High School and everyone was scared of him. He was cool to me, plus he had some pretty good weed so I had no plans of getting on his bad side. That is until I started dating a girl named Keisha. I used to pick her up from school in the mornings on my way to school. As soon as we entered a specific doorway Reggie would be standing there, then he would give her a big hug where keisha would gently try to push him away. When I objected he would brush it off and say, "We are just friends HumanityCritic, take it easy". Well ladies and gentlemen, this shit went on for far too long, like three months too long and I was getting pissed. To make it worse he told one of his friends, in earshot of yours truly that I was a "punk" because I "let him hug up on his girl". I was so pissed that I went to one of my favorite teachers, Mr. Wisman, about the situation and how I wanted to beat the black off of Reggie. He advised me against it and reminded me that if I did fight him that I would be kicked off the track team. Usually I wouldn't have cared about track, but I just qualified for the long jump that year so I wasn't going to fuck that up. A few more days pass of Reggie's bullshit and Track and Field became the furthest thing on my mind. One morning I woke up, put on some sweat pants, some dingy shoes, with the intent of fighting Reggie. I picked up Keisha, and even though I wasn't particularly mad at her I didn't say a word. We walk through the door, and as soon as Reggie attempted to hug Keisha I hit him squarely in the mouth. I grabbed him, threw him against the trophy case and that shit smashes all to hell. He falls to the ground, and as I am giving him more combinations than a bank vault I see Mr. Wisman in the corner of my eye. I expected him to break it up but his cool ass let me whale on Reggie for a few moments. I learned a great lesson that day, It doesn't matter how big and tough you are, there is always somebody to bring the bitch out of you. When I was pulled off of Reggie he was crying like a child without his pacifier, it was sad. The good thing was that I didn't get thrown off the track team, I was only suspended for a few days, and Reggie stopped roaming that doorway when Keisha and I entered it.
Warren:(circa 2001) One thing I hate is a man that puts his hands on a woman, they should all be given the most extreme punishment available. Granted, there is nothing like a little light spanking, or the use of a paddle, or restraints, but that is in the bedroom and always consensual. But, I was kind of fond of a woman named Renee who used to work with a few years back. I was fond of her because she was a truly amazing person, and the conversations we had were definitely enjoyable. She is the first woman that I actually didn't mind being platonic friends with.(But, if she gave me the sign I would "knock those boots from here to Albuquerque" to steal a Ice Cube line) As we got to know each other she told me that her boyfriend warren "gets rough" with her sometimes. I was disgusted when I heard this, but I didn't want to get involved in anyone's domestic issues so I felt that my hands were tied. Then a few times she would come to work with black eyes and a swollen lip, and as much as we urged her to leave him she always expressed her love for him and say "He was having a bad day". This one day when I was walking into work, Renee and Warren were arguing in the parking lot, then Warren raised his hand to her in a threatening motion. I rushed over and said, "What's going on here??" Warren said, "This is a personal matter motherfucker, get out of here!" Then, amazingly, I guess to play it off Renee said "Yeah, get the fuck out of here asshole!" I figured that if she wanted to continue to get her ass beat then fine, fuck her then. The moment of truth came a month later when Warren was actually beating her in the parking lot like a man. I rushed over, not knowing what to do for fear of Renee not wanting me to get involved, and saw Renee mouth the words "Help me" in my direction. Shit, that's all I needed. I tackled Warren like that Office linebacker you see in those commercials, and commenced in beating that guy as if I was "coming back like I'm revenging my brothers death."(from Kool G Rap's verse in "The Symphony") I give to Warren though, he sure could take an ass-beating, a talent that not too many folks have nowadays. When the cops came I could see that Renee wanted to make excuses for warren, but she was truthful and told the cops really what happened. She finally left and I am extremely proud of her for that, since I know she reads this and its the truth.