One of my favorite movies of all time is the Kevin Smith directed flick entitled "CLERKS" that came out in 1994. This film chronicles the day in the life of two convenience store clerks and the situations that they get themselves into. From the lead character discovering that his current girlfriend had intercourse with only a couple guys but she has given oral to "37" people total, to the main characters ex-girlfriend accidentally having sex with a dead man in a poorly lit bathroom, to the two clerks closing the store to attend a wake and one of them accidentally knocking the casket over while they are there, and a host of other scenes that I think are funny as shit.(This movie is also the reason that I call some of my friends "cock-smoking clerks" as a term of endearment.) A couple people I know hate this movie, and that is their god given right, but I think that it being shot in Black and White, and the unknown actors that are used in it are contributing factors to their hatred of said film.(I have a friend named Lucy that hates this movie, but then again her "Movie of the Year" is "Diary of a Mad Black Woman" so consider the fucking source on that one.) This post is dedicated to my friend Scott, who I turned on to the movie years ago. When he was in the hospital awaiting a kidney transplant I talked to him about certain Clerks that I deal with and he thought I should make a post out of it. This is for you motherfucker, get well soon.
Convenience Store Clerk: This is the store that I mostly get my gas at since it is usually on my way to most of the places I go. The clerk that is mostly there is Sharon, a soft spoken Latina who had a crush on me for some time. That crush quickly diminished when I did the following: 1.When I was in line behind a gentleman that tried to pick up Sharon I screamed "Hurry the fuck up Asshole!" When he tried to save face and step to me I grabbed a beer bottle and said, "Say something, I will bury this bottle in your scalp". Sharon was horrified. 2.When I was walking into the building to pay for my gas a woman damn near hit me and when I reacted she acted like it was my fault. When she walked in the store I said, "What in the fuck is your problem lady?" She then began a profanity laced tirade, I guess to punk me, but I reached back in my bag of sarcasm and began to colorfully talk about her lack of feminine hygiene habits. and 3. I got into an argument with a man that had a problem giving money to a homeless woman money by saying, "I'm not giving you money, you will probably buy drugs with it!" I said, "What do you care what she buys with it asshole? I don't care if she buys cocaine with it, SHE FUCKING LIVES ON THE STREET!! The same money you give her, you would have probably been used it to buy kiddie porn anyway, so whats the difference jackass?" The guy was so infuriated he turned bright red, even leaving his change of 10 dollars with the cashier. When the guy drove away I gave the ten dollars to the woman and said, "Buy whatever the fuck you want with this!"(She ended up buying some food with it buy the way) Anyway, because of the events that transpired, Sharon hates when I come in there. She hasn't publicly said so, but she looks at me like I'm about to rob the place whenever I come into said establishment.
Video Store Clerk A: This particular video store was my porn connection for a long time, that was until recently. There is certain "porn etiquette" that should be followed by fellow masturbaters and video store clerks alike. The rules go like this. 1. When looking at a group of porn tapes, try to stay a safe distance from one another. I don't know what it is, but having a man in close proximity of me when I look at videos that I will be masturbating to later that night is disturbing. 2.Don't fucking talk to me!! 3.If you are a video store clerk, only go back into the porn section if that shit is on fire or you must put a tape back on the rack 4. Video Store Clerks must show the proper decorum when a customer is checking out porn. OK, now that we have gone over that let me tell you about this porn Clerk named Katie. For one thing she continuously breaks rule 3, by going into the porn section for no reason but just to view deviant men looking for "stroke" material. I already feel pathetic enough renting porn, now I have to have some chick constantly reminding of that fact with her eyes. Also, she has no class when you are renting video's, thus breaking rule 4. She would say shit, out loud, like "I think you already rented "Chubby Chicks: The Sequel" already?", where I would look at her in the loudest, most embarrassed whisper that I could muster and say, "I know, I'm renting it again asshole!!" Or, when you would order something that she considered freaky, she would read the title, look up at you, and giggle. Nothing makes you feel like a loser faster than being giggled at for renting an adult movie. Fucking savage.
Video Store Clerk B: I mean when I say that all employees of Blockbuster should go through a rigorous screening process, only being offered employment if their movie knowledge is up to snuff. There are some individuals who work at said video store that do know some stuff about movies, but they are few and far between. The one clerk in question that I mess with on a regular basis is a young woman named Melissa. She is a nice woman, mid 20's, and being that she is nice I don't ridicule her outright, only in a way that I find funny and can laugh at later. She knows absolutely nothing about movies, she never knows about new releases(even though they are on the fucking wall), or anything you ask her. That's when I decided to start fucking with her by asking her an obvious question like, "What is that movie that came out in the 90's where Denzel Washington played a famous black leader?" I just knew that she had the right answer to this, she might even realize that I am fucking with her based on the elementary caliber of this question, but she shocked me and said,"I think that was "Man on Fire". What the fuck was that, Jesus lady?? So the next time I asked her another easy as fuck question, one that she had two chances to get right by the way. I asked her, "What was the movie with Robert DeNiro and Joe Pesi where they are involved in the mob??" She had to get this right, I just knew she would, and then she said "Raging Bull??" I shit you not, I have been accused of embellishing on my blog over the months, but there is no way I could make that shit up. I had to stop fucking with Melissa, not because I felt bad that I was getting enjoyment from her lack of movie knowledge, but because one of her co-workers overheard a question I asked her and became aware of my scheming plot.
Comic Book Store Clerk: There has been a comic book shop that I have been going to since I was a kid. The ownership has changed hands several times, but I haven't had any problems with whoever owned the store at any particular time, that was until recently. One of the new owners also serves as their clerk, and I hate this motherfucker with a passion. For one thing, I know he doesn't know me and my history of going to the store, but he follows me around the store with his eyes like I'm about to steal something. I wanted to punch him in the mouth, but I figured that when I pull out my money(I had just got paid) and flash my "bank" then he would see that HumanityCritic is no thief. The next time I came in there, about a few days later, he actually got up and watched me this time, that motherfucker. Not only that, but I think it would be bad etiquette for a clerk of any store to blast political talk radio, Liberal or Conservative. But as you walk through the door of said comic book store you hear the disgusting drivel coming from the pie-holes of individuals like Rush Limbaugh and Michael Savage. Let me tell you, nothing ruins your comic book shopping experience like listening to a hypocrite pill popper like Limbaugh. Even when I told the clerk to "turn that shit off", or "listen to that horseshit through his headphones", he said something like "I have to get the point out there to all you braindead liberals out there that the republican way is here to stay!" That's when I responded, "Do you think I would "get the point out there" if I punched you dead in the motherfucking face and literally shove that radio into your ass??" That's when he threatened to call the cops so I left without having to manually put a radio into any hidden orifices. But fuck it, there are other comic book stores.