Wednesday, August 10, 2005

"CLERKS"

One of my favorite movies of all time is the Kevin Smith directed flick entitled "CLERKS" that came out in 1994. This film chronicles the day in the life of two convenience store clerks and the situations that they get themselves into. From the lead character discovering that his current girlfriend had intercourse with only a couple guys but she has given oral to "37" people total, to the main characters ex-girlfriend accidentally having sex with a dead man in a poorly lit bathroom, to the two clerks closing the store to attend a wake and one of them accidentally knocking the casket over while they are there, and a host of other scenes that I think are funny as shit.(This movie is also the reason that I call some of my friends "cock-smoking clerks" as a term of endearment.) A couple people I know hate this movie, and that is their god given right, but I think that it being shot in Black and White, and the unknown actors that are used in it are contributing factors to their hatred of said film.(I have a friend named Lucy that hates this movie, but then again her "Movie of the Year" is "Diary of a Mad Black Woman" so consider the fucking source on that one.) This post is dedicated to my friend Scott, who I turned on to the movie years ago. When he was in the hospital awaiting a kidney transplant I talked to him about certain Clerks that I deal with and he thought I should make a post out of it. This is for you motherfucker, get well soon.

Convenience Store Clerk: This is the store that I mostly get my gas at since it is usually on my way to most of the places I go. The clerk that is mostly there is Sharon, a soft spoken Latina who had a crush on me for some time. That crush quickly diminished when I did the following: 1.When I was in line behind a gentleman that tried to pick up Sharon I screamed "Hurry the fuck up Asshole!" When he tried to save face and step to me I grabbed a beer bottle and said, "Say something, I will bury this bottle in your scalp". Sharon was horrified. 2.When I was walking into the building to pay for my gas a woman damn near hit me and when I reacted she acted like it was my fault. When she walked in the store I said, "What in the fuck is your problem lady?" She then began a profanity laced tirade, I guess to punk me, but I reached back in my bag of sarcasm and began to colorfully talk about her lack of feminine hygiene habits. and 3. I got into an argument with a man that had a problem giving money to a homeless woman money by saying, "I'm not giving you money, you will probably buy drugs with it!" I said, "What do you care what she buys with it asshole? I don't care if she buys cocaine with it, SHE FUCKING LIVES ON THE STREET!! The same money you give her, you would have probably been used it to buy kiddie porn anyway, so whats the difference jackass?" The guy was so infuriated he turned bright red, even leaving his change of 10 dollars with the cashier. When the guy drove away I gave the ten dollars to the woman and said, "Buy whatever the fuck you want with this!"(She ended up buying some food with it buy the way) Anyway, because of the events that transpired, Sharon hates when I come in there. She hasn't publicly said so, but she looks at me like I'm about to rob the place whenever I come into said establishment.

Video Store Clerk A: This particular video store was my porn connection for a long time, that was until recently. There is certain "porn etiquette" that should be followed by fellow masturbaters and video store clerks alike. The rules go like this. 1. When looking at a group of porn tapes, try to stay a safe distance from one another. I don't know what it is, but having a man in close proximity of me when I look at videos that I will be masturbating to later that night is disturbing. 2.Don't fucking talk to me!! 3.If you are a video store clerk, only go back into the porn section if that shit is on fire or you must put a tape back on the rack 4. Video Store Clerks must show the proper decorum when a customer is checking out porn. OK, now that we have gone over that let me tell you about this porn Clerk named Katie. For one thing she continuously breaks rule 3, by going into the porn section for no reason but just to view deviant men looking for "stroke" material. I already feel pathetic enough renting porn, now I have to have some chick constantly reminding of that fact with her eyes. Also, she has no class when you are renting video's, thus breaking rule 4. She would say shit, out loud, like "I think you already rented "Chubby Chicks: The Sequel" already?", where I would look at her in the loudest, most embarrassed whisper that I could muster and say, "I know, I'm renting it again asshole!!" Or, when you would order something that she considered freaky, she would read the title, look up at you, and giggle. Nothing makes you feel like a loser faster than being giggled at for renting an adult movie. Fucking savage.

Video Store Clerk B: I mean when I say that all employees of Blockbuster should go through a rigorous screening process, only being offered employment if their movie knowledge is up to snuff. There are some individuals who work at said video store that do know some stuff about movies, but they are few and far between. The one clerk in question that I mess with on a regular basis is a young woman named Melissa. She is a nice woman, mid 20's, and being that she is nice I don't ridicule her outright, only in a way that I find funny and can laugh at later. She knows absolutely nothing about movies, she never knows about new releases(even though they are on the fucking wall), or anything you ask her. That's when I decided to start fucking with her by asking her an obvious question like, "What is that movie that came out in the 90's where Denzel Washington played a famous black leader?" I just knew that she had the right answer to this, she might even realize that I am fucking with her based on the elementary caliber of this question, but she shocked me and said,"I think that was "Man on Fire". What the fuck was that, Jesus lady?? So the next time I asked her another easy as fuck question, one that she had two chances to get right by the way. I asked her, "What was the movie with Robert DeNiro and Joe Pesi where they are involved in the mob??" She had to get this right, I just knew she would, and then she said "Raging Bull??" I shit you not, I have been accused of embellishing on my blog over the months, but there is no way I could make that shit up. I had to stop fucking with Melissa, not because I felt bad that I was getting enjoyment from her lack of movie knowledge, but because one of her co-workers overheard a question I asked her and became aware of my scheming plot.

Comic Book Store Clerk: There has been a comic book shop that I have been going to since I was a kid. The ownership has changed hands several times, but I haven't had any problems with whoever owned the store at any particular time, that was until recently. One of the new owners also serves as their clerk, and I hate this motherfucker with a passion. For one thing, I know he doesn't know me and my history of going to the store, but he follows me around the store with his eyes like I'm about to steal something. I wanted to punch him in the mouth, but I figured that when I pull out my money(I had just got paid) and flash my "bank" then he would see that HumanityCritic is no thief. The next time I came in there, about a few days later, he actually got up and watched me this time, that motherfucker. Not only that, but I think it would be bad etiquette for a clerk of any store to blast political talk radio, Liberal or Conservative. But as you walk through the door of said comic book store you hear the disgusting drivel coming from the pie-holes of individuals like Rush Limbaugh and Michael Savage. Let me tell you, nothing ruins your comic book shopping experience like listening to a hypocrite pill popper like Limbaugh. Even when I told the clerk to "turn that shit off", or "listen to that horseshit through his headphones", he said something like "I have to get the point out there to all you braindead liberals out there that the republican way is here to stay!" That's when I responded, "Do you think I would "get the point out there" if I punched you dead in the motherfucking face and literally shove that radio into your ass??" That's when he threatened to call the cops so I left without having to manually put a radio into any hidden orifices. But fuck it, there are other comic book stores.

41 comments:

greenpineapple said...

I randomly came across your blog and I just wanted to say that I really enjoy reading it. Not only do you have a lot of good points to make, but the entertaining stories keep me from slitting my wrists of boredom at work. So, thanks & keep it up!
-isheeta

Zeezy4Sheezy said...

Actually I think you embellish more than a lil bit but I still enjoy reading your stories every day.

SP said...

Another good post. Your Convenience Store clerk is much better than mine. Mine keeps proposing to me every time I try to pay for my gas. That Porn Video Clerk sound hilarious. What are you renting that makes her giggle at you?

I am Jack said...

Funny post man, great as usual. I thought you were a "embellisher" alos to I met a guy you went to college with. He told me that you used to "knock cats the fuck out" so that helped you street cred in my eyes..lol

Justin said...

So is this porn clerk hot at all?

Amadeo said...

You're making it more fun...I usually flirt with clerks. Unless they were young dudes I used to always have issues with clerks in comic shops, WTF?

Anonymous said...

dude you rent porn?

CultStatus said...

Def some embellishing going on, esp in that comic post, but I see that it's your angle so to speak, so I buy it.

I can relate to the conv. store and porn store most of all.

In oakland and most other urban cities, I always get a laugh at the "blackening process" through which all male arab clerks go through after working in the hood for a while.

They start using our words, calling us "Cuzzin" and shyt, usually butchering the pronounciation. It's mimicry really, b/c it's not native and has no meaning to them. But they want that black dollar w/ minimum hold ups, so they are happy to grease the rails so speak.

That said, "Whazzup Cazzin?"

FantasyFootballGuru said...

I dunno, I met dude and he is a piece of work, no doubt about that. I buy it, plus he is a great writer. If people actually met him they wouold understand better.

That being said, this is a fantsatic piece and I absolutely love the movie "Clerks"

Maglet said...

Your anger is so... refreshing. You call people you like "motherfucker"... LOVE THAT! Hahaha!

Funny stuff, man...

CaffeineDiva said...

That's funny, I JUST watched the movie clerks at a friends' house & we were talking about various clerks and her stint as one at a local gas station... creepy.
funny post as fucking usual.

BlueAngel said...

HC...I hate to say it...but one day, you're gonna make me pee my pants from reading your posts. You are pure comedy and I love it. You can easily make a day of hell seem so easy.

Dawud said...

you a better man then me i still don't have the balls to walk into the porn place without being properly concealed and parking four blocks away so no one will see my car there...

shinjyo said...

The clerk at the local gas station sucks complete ass. funny as usual.

Ethereal Darkness said...

That's why you buy porn dude-it save you the embarrassment.

bec said...

LMAO @ Y.o.u! I feel that that woman in the porn shop shoould be fired, she better stop making HC uncomfortable!

bec said...

Oh yeah, the above commenter was right, always buy porn!

DUKE OF FLUKE said...

(Applauding) Clerks is a absolute classic man.

I am Jack said...

I second that sentiment.

Kyra said...

Thanks for your post. Pretty cool stuff here. Did you know that Kevin Smith is working on Clerks 2?

http://www.viewaskew.com/theboard/viewtopic.php?t=14125

Quel said...

LOVE your blog! I'm so glad you visited my site today. I really your insights and observations.

You're really brave 1. for admitting that you love porn, 2. for buying it in person. I've always wanted to go into one of those places for novelty items, but am always freaked out somebody I know will see me. Maybe if I were a guy, I'd be less concerned?

R said...

Fantastic movie.

Luke Cage said...

Now you're talking. Clerks is one of the most funniest, and str8 up, in your face movie in recent years. Kudos for listing it here man...

Sankofa said...

OK Bloggers, as a friend of HC's, I just have to let you know what happens when you DON"T like a moive he likes. After insisting that I rent Clerks, I venture off and get it. Mind you, his other reccomendations were always on point. But, for some reason, maybe the Gods of Patience testing me, I hated Clerks. Loved all of the other movies, but CLERKS....couldn't do it. Well, HC called me, excitedly awaiting my reaction. I told him it was ok...which was the equivalent of saying Jesus was kind of nice in HC's book. We then spent the next 20-30 minutes arguing (all in fun), with him questioning my intelligence and womanhood in the process and me reminding him of his "less than stellar" moments. He even told me to never talk to him about movies or much else again. LORD. Anyway, being my friend, he apologizes for all of the terrible things he said (although I did not take them seriously) and promised to give me the hottest 3 minutes of my life next time we saw each other. Now ladies, how can I say 'no' to that? LESSON - Watch Clerks and if you have the pleasure of talking to this maniac...tell him you loved it...ADORED it...you may manage to get an extra minute out of him.

Love you HC!

Avi said...

I love Clerks. I visited the actual Quick Stop in Jersey - Hey HC, have you ever been there? If not, you should check it out. It makes for some fun pics.

Thanks for showing my blog some love. I'm going to be coming back here more often.

Nia said...

LOL...omgosh you're a fool. I hate the hell out of porn stores...I mean that's to say if I did in fact go to them, I would hate them. :-) Thank goodness for the internet!

Coley said...

OH and UGGGHHH @ you being a regular at the porn rental shop!!!!


I got one word... ~Issues~!

coley said...

LMAO @ Sankofa!!!!

~Going to rent the movie right this minute... Oh hey HC, I'll hit you later with my review... :~)

Schatzi said...

LOL @ the guy being so upset he forgot his money! I hope she ate good that night!

And the video clerk? She sounds like someone who is in need of some schooling.

matty said...

Your blog is awesome!

I am a major film fanatic and feel that CLERKS is one of the most important films to come out of the 90's. I can watch it over and over.

Is there really someone who thinks DIARY OF A MAD BLACK WOMAN is the best movie of the year!!?!? That sent a shudder up my spine.

I am a proud sponsor of porn! I actually enjoy going in and asking for the titles just to see how people react. Now that I am living in San Francisco this is no longer much fun. Half the time the boys and girls working behind the counter are in porn. LOL!

Give 'em hell!

courtneyelizabeth said...

need to rent t...

Gina said...

Maybe Katie the Porn Clerk is being a little flirt...

Semaj said...

Hey Humanity Critic, thanks for the posting on my blog. Been reading your blog, you’re an excellent writer, and thanks again for dropping by.

hazelorbs said...

hey..thanks for stopping by my blog. fascinating and humorous posts here...enjoyed them. thanks again!

BLESSD1 said...

Dawg...this post hit DEAD ON when talking about comic book store politics! I have been an AVID collector since I was 8, and the store that I patronized for years was run by the same couple. They sold the store, and the asshole that bought it was racist as hell! I guess the ass didn't realize that he'd moved into an area that was mostly black, and the only patrons he'd get were lil' black fan-boys like me. The only reason that I continued to go to the store was that it was the nearest one at the time, and I had no car. When I finally became upwardly mobile, I abandoned going to his store, and I discouraged my friends to do the same. His shop shut down less that 6 mos. later. Once again, excellent post. Excelsior!

solitaire said...

I really need to blog on my retail days.... this was hilarious. LOL.

Jdid said...

I rented clerks because of one of your posts and I must say it was funny lol

and yea i love the video store rules lol

Chele said...

All I can do is shake my head @ you and your porn, but that matters not because my comment is dead last on a list with five-hundred and four of em lol

msjaim said...

well most folk who work @ the porn stores are "eccentric" in their own lil ways....i think u should post etiquette for other pervs...i mean shoppers. A few years back my best bud & I went to one.. as we eyed the rows & rows of different flicks, we got closer to the back, where there was a movie booth viewing area... my peripheral vison caught a glimpse of what appearded to be a COMPLETELY NUDE BODY, i thought my mind was playing tricks on me so I told my girl, she confirmed that i was "imaginiting" things(hey,he could have had on a flesh toned outfit-lol) until I looked to the side again and saw this cat w/ no shirt on and his pants wrapped around his ankles.. we ran the fuck outta there- SO fast.. so um, be weary of the folks who purchase tokens in porn stores & make sure under no circumstances do u shake their hands.

Gas station Clerk said...

hahhahhahahaha the day you get your ass kicked by some skinny pale gas station clerk i will be there to laugh at your fuckin face jackass. Clerks put up with shit every fuckin day and here u are makin our lives more misarable, if you came to my gas station startin shit like that, you would get set on fire with carb cleaner and a lighter lil bitch boy

The Humanity Critic said...

@ Gas station Clerk:

You won't do shit you sperm recepticle, except sit there and accept a plethora of kicks and punches from your's truly. Seriously, you aren't a tough guy, you don't have the time to be with all the time you spend eating cock, being jizzed on, and being double penetrated. That's what I thought faggot, don't make me cut your achilles tendon after stuffing a sock in your mouth..lol