Friday, August 26, 2005

Get your ass to Rehab already!!

The other night started off like any other, I talked to my neighbors wife about the "neighborhood" as I tried to inconspicuously look at her tits, openly wondered why any black person would support Condi "Aunt Tomasina" Rice, and went to the grocery store to grab a beer for the night. As I entered Food Lion(local grocery store) I see a guy that irritates the piss out of me whenever I see him, he's a nice fellow, just annoying as fuck. I grab my beer, pay for it, and I make a mad dash for the parking lot trying to avoid this dude like a bad case of the crabs. All of a sudden I hear, "Hey HumanityCritic!", dammit he caught me. I walk over to him and say, "Hey man, what's up?" "Nothing", he replies, "I see you are buying another beer." He then goes into a 2 minute speech, that I have heard about 49 times mind you, about how he was an alcoholic and lost his family in the process. It is really a touching diatribe, the first million times I heard it, now this shit is getting pretty fucking old. I said to him, "Listen, I am glad that you are sober and turned your life around, I really am. But don't you find it in bad taste to constantly tell me that "Lifetime" movie of the week every time I buy a beer. Cut that fucking shit out man, I'm not playing!" He smiled and said, "That's OK, I'll reach you one day!", as he walked away. I suddenly felt the sudden urge to not only curse him out, but smack the shit out of him. But, and I know I'm going to sound crazy here, what if that guy was god in the form of this grocery store employee trying to give me a powerful message? I can see it now, I accost the guy and when I die and get to the pearly gates Peter is like, "HumanityCritic, I'm looking at your sheet and it looks pretty good. I will let you in.." (God interrupts) God: Fuck that! That motherfucker once smacked the shit out of me and poured beer all over my body, and all I was trying to do was help that prick out. he ain't getting in! Delusions aside, I went back to my house and thought about the story that that grocery store employee had told me 49 times. I then reminisced about all my friends who all battled their addictions and the shitload of interventions I have been involved in.

Gambling: Jerry was a friend of mine that I used to hang with while I attended college. He was a dude that hadn't left his hometown of Little Rock Arkansas until he attended college in Virginia, so he was a bit green. Soon after his arrival I taught him how to play cards and before you know it we were frequenting every card game available in the city. I loved cards, but Jerry had an obsession with them, reading books and it quickly became the main topic of conversation whenever we hung out. He got to be good, better than me in fact, but he didn't know when to quit and that either left him dead broke, or left me having to fight dudes because they thought that Jerry cheated them. This one time he bet me that he could sleep with a particular young lady, and when he did in fact sleep with her he called me from her house and said, "I told you I'd fuck her, pay up bro!!" Crazy shit like that, and the numerous fights that I got into because of his bullshit I knew that I had to abandon this relationship because it was hazardous to my health. But because I was the one that started him gambling in the first place I thought I should be the one warn him about his destructive ways. I won't go into exactly what was said, but let's just say that if I had a dollar for the amount of times he said, "Fuck you!", I would be extremely wealthy. After that I would hear stories of him taking beatings, people looking for him, and the last straw was when I got a call from his sister saying that two big men in suits came to their parents house looking for Jerry.(I thought that shit only happened in the movies) After that I tried to reach Jerry and help him but he was too far gone, refusing my help whenever I offered it.

You know how life is, time flies and you tend to lose touch with people, that's what happened to Jerry and I. That was until I saw him in 2000, he had beaten his gambling addiction, and just got married to a lovely woman named Layla. I was glad that he was doing so well, because for the previous few years I felt that his "demise" was my fault, so his turnaround made me feel good for more reasons than one. As we all had dinner I made a wildly inappropriate toast: "This is to you Jerry, our renewed friendship, your new life, and your new wife. I BET you money that you will be together forever!!" They both gave me an irritated look, then I said, "Fuck you two, THAT shit was funny!!" OK, Maybe not.

Heroin: I realized at an early age that I would absolutely be a horrible husband. Granted, I would never cheat, I would treat my wife with love and affection, I would lose my porn collection(most of it), and I would keep my throat-chopping of black republicans to a minimum. I say that I would be a horrible husband because I am the last fucker on earth to notice any changes in a person, haircuts, new outfits, and type of shit like that. I went into that little spiel because it was also true of an old band-mate of mine named Nate that I had. He was a great guy, funny, and the best drummer that I have ever seen in my life. So it came as a surprise to me when another band-mate of mine named Glen called me and said, "HC, we need to have an intervention with Nate and get him into a rehab center." Me: Rehab center for what? (long pause) Glen: For what!!!! Are you shitting me?? For heroin you silly bastard! Me: Heroin? Naww? Seriously? Glen: You didn't find it strange that Glen would nod off mid-sentence, or fall asleep during shows? Me: I just thought he was real tired, or maybe narcoleptic Glen: Get the fuck out of here!! How about the tracks on his arm? That didn't seem weird to you? Me: Not really, he told me that he was a diabetic. Glen: With how he used to eat, you bought that bullshit?? You-are-an-asshole!

About a week later we confronted Nate at his house to do an intervention on him. It was the entire band, and his girlfriend at the time. It was awkward because every time I would add my two cents about Nate's addiction he would say some shit like, "How about your addiction to women?? How about that?" To where I would respond, "But that addiction doesn't fuck your bodily organs up, unless you don't wear protection and get a bad piece of "patch". Then he would say, "How about you and alcohol?" To where I would respond, "Yeah, yeah, my intervention is next week. This is your week motherfucker!!" We tried to get him to a rehab facility but he said that he would go in a week so he could go through the detox period in his home.(twisted logic I know) The next several days involved us baby sitting this motherfucker, watching him have the shakes, violently throw up, and turn as pale as a black man could get. I should have videotaped the process because that would have been the best anti-drug commercial for kids wanting to "experiment". Today, Nate is doing well and is a productive part of society, but it's fucked up because now he is a Vegan and gives me shit about eating "red meat". Damn, life is funny sometimes.

Cocaine: I had a lawyer friend named Steven that I used to hang out with to many swanky ass establishments around town. He was cool, he reminded me of Tom Cruise's character in "Jerry McGuire", a fast talking guy that was absolutely full of shit. During the brief tenure of our friendship we were living it up, hanging with these beautiful model chicks who looked like their main hobbies were looking pretty and vomiting. There is some truth in many stereotypes because most of those chicks dug cocaine, which I am against, but suddenly I become "for it" if it made any of those women inappropriately put their mouth on me. It threw me for a loop when I found out that Steven was also hooked on the "nose candy". The first time I saw him do it I told him that I wasn't cool with that and he assured me that he did it "once in a blue moon". But that "blue moon" shit was quickly debunked when I noticed that he always seemed hyper as fuck, and he snapped on me for no reason a couple of times to the point that I almost mauled that motherfucker. I guess the last straw is when he came to my house 4 in the morning, honking his horn 20+ times, dressed the fuck up, and when I angrily answered the door he said, "Why aren't you dressed? I thought we were going out?"(This jackass had lost all sense of time at that point) I had to let that friendship go at that point, so I grabbed a bat and said, "Get the fuck out of here before I pretend that I'm Barry Bonds with this motherfucker!!! Get some help man!" Recently I heard that he went to rehab and is living a clean lifestyle, which I am happy about. Maybe I shouldn't have threatened him with physical violence, because I sure do miss hanging with those model chicks who put their mouth on me under the influence of a drug that I hate.

Violence:(Very short entry) My band-mates, because of the many assholes that I have fought at our shows, have tried to sit me down and talk to me about my temper. They try to show me the error in my ways, but when I point out the specific reasons that I fought the men I did, they are left agreeing with me that the person's in question did indeed "deserve to catch a bad one." The topic is usually dropped and we move on to something else, until the next show that we have where I try to bury my shell-toe Adidas in the sternum of some load mouth asshole. I know that I have anger issues, that is why I have a therapist..i mean..a friend to talk to.



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49 comments:

Anonymous said...

Another great post!!

I am Jack said...

I never knew rehab could be so hilarious!! awesome.

shinjyo said...

LMAO. You didn't know your boy was on herron?? LOL

Maverick said...

Yo, what type of band are you in? Being that you said you are in VA, I would guess go-go, but that very well may not be the case...

DM said...

I remember the first time I seen somebody snort cocaine...I was at a house party with this guy and everybody was in this room, I thought they were drunk or high on weed. Well, this skinny chick was leaning over this glass table snorting like she was Snuffleupagus. The rest of the room seemed to be okay with it, quiet and chillen. All of the sudden, I let out a big "Wow" and everybody in the room was like "Get the fuck out!" The guy I was with was so mad at me, and we had to leave the party...

Amadeo said...

I remember I was buying some weed from this dude (expensive as hell) and these cats break out and start snorting coke. Dude offers and I'm like "nah I'm good". Money tries to holla, "You do all kinds of things in this business." I never bought from his ass again. Plus he made crappy drinks.

Crackpot Press said...

I grew up in Berkley and when I was 17 I had a date with this girl Anastacia. We went to party and I went to take her home.. when without warning she proclaims.. I snorted some heroin at the party and now I don't feel so good.

WHAT?? where the hell did that come from? People still do heroin, I thought that was a 70's thing?

Then she pukes all over the front seat of my mom's car.

FantasyFootballGuru said...

Funny but also sad. Great post.

bec said...

I experienced people doing heroin, and like the commentor above I thought that was a 70's thing. dope as usual.

Puerto Rican Angel said...

I had a friend that did coke every freakin day. It was crazy. I remember this one time he was cutting it on top of a DVD case and he asked me to hold it. I didn't want to but he pushed it at me so I grabbed it. He then poceeded to snort $100 worth of coke in 5 minutes all by his self!!

brooklyn babe said...

So what's beer for you Buddy?
Anger management control?
Which of the two do you think is going to be harder to give, alchol or beer.... Its seems like you need neither to write, and spread that infectious humor.
Thanks for sharing.
Peace
BK Babe

Anonymous said...

Awesome, once again!

karen

Kelly said...

Lmao, Food Lion. I remember that place. We have nothing of the sort in California. When I moved to VA I was like "What the fuck is a Food Lion?" lol.

natalix said...

I think it is great how you can write something everyday, either fun stories or ones mixed in with serious situations. I am in awe of you dear sir.

Anonymous said...

This post reminds me of the slick rick lyric: Dave the dopefein shooting dope, who don't know the meaning of water nor soap!" LOL

afrobaggins said...

I see that you are a pretty good dude, as much as you say that you are an "asshole". You at least made a valiant attempt to help your friends out when they needed you. We can role any time fam.

babc said...

You never fail to disappoint. I dig it.

I am Jack said...

I also have been through rehab, I know how your friends felt.

Coley said...

Great post! I was thinking you were gonna talk about your own addictions (besides the usual suspects: beer, women, and porn!) LOL! But then I remembered who's blog I was reading... LOL!

Have a great weekend too!

Anonymous said...

whut up with God cussin? Has He suddenly lost His morals and become a mini-me or would that be a mini-you? Somebody is runnin'. Doing the Carl Lewis fa sho'.

Johnnydanger said...

I almost want to excuse the ignorant behavior of the commentor above me, not to mention that the only thing that they got out of that was God cussin'.(Geez. Somebody is running from good sense, fo sho') lol Anyway, good post HC.

mr_g said...

Great post. Had a coke-fiend roommate in college. I hated the stuff but would do it with him to keep him sane and away from my stuff. I pitied our third roommate who wasn't there a whole lot and usually got his shit fucked with by my coked out roomie...

Anonymous said...

@ Johnnydanger

We all get from the readings of this brother's blog what we will. True ignorance is trying to censor another's perception or sway it by by an opinion. In this case, yours. I will not wallow as ignorantly for I will say you, dear sir have every right to your opinion. It is to be respected for it is yours.

Inside Man said...

God in form of a grocery employee is hilarious. Makes me think of the "Golden Child"

Chele said...

It does my heart good to hear that in every case you described, the addiction was broken!! Not everyone who goes into recovery makes it so the happy endings you spoke about may be the catalyst for someone reading your blog who needs some inspiration to seek some help.

God doesn't necessarily jump out of a burning bush when He has something to say to you. If you think it's God talking to you.....it very well may be.


Even if it's just your conscience speaking to you, telling you thatyou are headed into the danger zone....please listen to it and heed the call.


http://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org/

http://www.na.org/

http://www.angermgmt.org/

http://www.gamblersanonymous.org/

God Bless

Johnnydanger said...

@ Anon: Whatever the fuck you just said, I hope you understood it because no one else did. If you don't like what HC writes, beat it and keep it moving asshat.

moosh said...

It sucks that you can't even buy one damn beer anymore without getting harassed by some recovering alcoholic. my question is why is he hanging out near beer anyway...he might get pulled baxk in.

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wildcat9two said...

dude, you are pretty fucked up.

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**RPM** said...

Brilliant as ususal. I see you're still getting slammed by shyt in your comments though. Not cool.

Anywho...

What about addiction to therapy? I hear that can be a problem, I'm already a potential poster child for it - I think. I gotta watch that.

Mahogany Elle said...

As always, a HC original. Deftly written, humorously told. Nice work :)

Anonymous said...

@ Johnnydanger ...speak for the rest of the world why dont you...look, what I am saying is use that muscle in your head to think for you and you only. If you need some help, they got college courses for that.

PS..mindless fawning is NOT your color...

Sista K said...

Chele,

Thanks for those links. Knowing what the next step is is always positive feedback.

Sis K

Johnnydanger said...

@Anon: Lets just put it out there, you had a problem with the way HC made god sound. You expressed yourself in a way that only a toothless inbred knows how to, foolishless and pathetic. People, overwhelmingly,seem to not have a problem with it and they enjoyed the post.(No need to speak for anyone, the comments are proff enough.) Now you spread your diseased cheeks and let out some random comments as a retort, not mentioning what you said in the first place. Idiot.

PS: (del quote) "Fraudulent foes with the strength on hercules/ The way you're on my dick must really hurt your knees!"

Anonymous said...

@ Johnydanger....oh wow...actually I respect HC and read his blogs often. He's very talented. I have written many a positive commentary to them as well. They have never been noted with such voraciousness as this though ...However, I do have a mind of my own. Forgive me for my naivete, but I do believe anyone not just he would respect an honest comment when someone has one to offer that isnt just groveling and fawning. Newflash to the narrow minded: honest feedback is not always haterade. Sometimes, its just merely another opinion offered in the blog comment section...sorry, if my opinion is driving you to crave oral sex...they have help for that as well...after all this is the internet...(picking up the gauntlet & putting it back in my pocket)...I will leave you to fantasize in peace.

Chele said...

Fighting in the comments section of someone's blog is......stupid. You guys need to knock it off.

Johnnydanger said...

@Anon: That is what I thought, your ridiculous nature reared it's ugly head. If you would have expressed yourseld like an adult with a decent I.Q in the first place then you would have been alright, it would have sounded constructive if you had the talent to do so. Plus, there isn't any fantasy about oral sex when it comes to you, but I figure that that has to be the only way to shgut you up.(laughing at the fact that you even thought that you would use a gauntlet in the first place.)

Anonymous said...

@johnydanger....ok I am taking your advice, I am shgutting up..

Brother OMi said...

hey, i am a vegetarian who gives you sh*t about eating red meat!

lol

man when we gonna hang out big homie?

you flaked on me again...

Brother OMi said...

P.S.

If i was God and how followers like Pat Robertson and other super Xians, i would be cussin' too...

ME Strauss said...

Hey Humanity Critic,
Seems you have a few fans yourself.
Nice to have stop by. Of course my return means I'm about a 1/2 behind in work for today--reading your posts.

You write with a nice voice.

simles.
me-Liz

Laylah Queen of the Night said...

Oh, I like this blog. I'm gonna add you to my bookmarks and links. Peace.

. said...

Another brilliant post, gets me chuckling all the time.

The comments are great too.

ted.

Sankofa said...

Oh yeah...I used to work at Food Lion in college. Once they let me answer the phones and I would say "Thank you for shopping at Food Lion..we roar for our prices..." and then I would let out this big roar and burst out laughing...the callers thought I was crazy and my supervisor told me to never answer the phone again....

TTYL HC

ChiChi10 said...

The Anon. poster...what exactly was wrong with her/his comment?

It's not like they cuss HC out or anything...

Anyway, great post HC!

shuna fish lydon said...

Actually the old saying goes, 'if you meet an alcoholic who's not ready to get sober, buy him a drink.'
Now me personally I can't afford to buy someone smack or coke, but my business is mine, not nobody else's.
Attraction, not promotion.

Jdid said...

come on you so know you want to blog about your therapy sessions. :-)

Tif said...

Damn man where do you live this shit is like reading my own journal except I aint in no band and we don't do interventions, we just hope cats get right. I know you've checked me out but stay tuned in. We have similar experiences. www.tif.everythingsoul.com