This post was inspired by me flipping through a old photo album, and all the different haircuts I had during the years. These are are broken down to the year I had them, and the situations surrounded around said hairstyles. The mere fact that I admit that I had a Jheri Curl has to be the bravest act of any blogger ever.
Regular haircut:(1973-1984) My father, bless his heart, fashioned himself as a expert barber. He was a lot of things, a master mechanic, a 30 year Naval Veteran, a man that could basically fix anything, but he gave the worst haircuts in the world. The fucked up part was that until 6th grade I went to catholic schools and other private schools, so the kids there didn't really know what a jacked up haircut was. It wasn't until I started hanging with some of my public school compadres that I found out, in a not too subtle way, that my hair cut looked like Stevie Wonder was the barber. I would hear things like, "Whoever cut your hair should let you in on the joke!", or "Daaamn, Look at your head!", or my favorite, "I guarantee a girl will never kiss you as long as you head looks like a baboons ass!" The day I retired my father from cutting my hair he seemed to be disappointed, which made me feel sad for a few moments until I realized that I had a better chance getting a girl to kiss me wearing a feces necklace than to keep having that monstrosity of a haircut.
Jheri Curl:(1985-1986) Yes Ladies and Gentlemen, HumanityCritic had a jheri curl. For some reason my father really wanted the both of us to get jheri curls together, I guess he felt that a perfect way for a father and son to bond is to have extremely toxic chemicals on your scalp. I remember going through the process of getting the jheri curl, the curlers, the chemicals, the hair dryer, I felt like a car in the Indy 500 pulling over for a pit crew to work on me. After the stylists were done with us, I looked like an extremely greasy preteen and my father looked like some sort of glorified country pimp. I have tried to destroy any picture of myself from this time period, and if any of you ever discover any missing pictures I will pay you handsomely for them. Anyway, my jheri curl days ended pretty quickly due to the fact that any hairstyle that requires maintenance will soon go down in flames when the person wearing said hairstyle is lazy as fuck. Let me tell you, a unkept jheri curl ends up looking like a bunch of dried up hamster turds. This disastrous hairstyle ended with my father angrily shaving my heard saying, "You lazy motherfucker, your head looks like shit!". The funny thing is that his jheri curl was drier and looked even more cracked out than mine.
Bald Fade:(1987-1994) Getting this haircut was the best thing that could have happened to my self esteem, since having uneven haircuts from my father left me emotionally scarred for years. It kept my head cool, there were no chemicals you had to deal with, the only problem is that since my hair grows faster than my "manhood" around a think pair of thighs ,I was getting haircuts like every 6 days and shit. I had one setback during this period though, I let my father cut my hair before a track-meet. I hadn't gotten the chance to go to my barber that week, and I was about to be in a track-meet including 3 other schools who had extremely hot girls who would be in attendance. I guess I had forgotten the horrible haircuts that my father had given me so I asked him to hook me up. His face lit up like a inmate who has just been told that he is being released early, and proceeded in cutting my hair. At the time I thought he had done a great job, that was until I got laughed off the track by my teammates for having the "worst haircut ever." I was embarrassed, and since they wouldn't allow me to wear a hat during my track events I figured that I just had to endure the ridicule for the next two hours. The worst thing about that day is that my boy Ron taped that track meet, and even today he plays the tape for his friends for a good laugh. The best thing about that day is I got my best time in the 100 meter dash ever, a time of 10.5, not bad for a dude under 6 foot. But that was probably due to the fact that I didn't want anyone to see my fucked up haircut. After that it was back to getting a bald fade, that was until 1994 when I decided to change hairstyles due to the fact that people kept asking me if I was in the Navy. I don't know why that irritated me so much but it did.
Nappy Afro:(1994) After the bald fade I decided to grow my hair the fuck out, and that's exactly what I did. I remember my Afro absolutely scaring the shit out of my mother to the point that she actually offered me money to cut it immediately. I quickly realized that you become more threatening to people rocking the nappy fro, equipped with the Afro pick with the black fist as the handle. I remember treating my hair like a woman(No, not throwing money on the dresser and telling her to leave immediately..) with care and the necessary attention. The weird part about my Afro is that I always kept it edged up, but I never, never, ran a pick threw it. It was like the sides were all clean but the top of my head was absolute chaos. I loved this haircut, but I had to switch up because being that I never ran a pick through it, the top started to get matted and deadlock naturally. Fuck that!
Dreadlocks(1995-present) When I first entered my cousin Roland's hair salon I knew that I wanted dreadlocks. I have to be honest though, the process of him picking through my matted mess in order to blow out my Afro was quite the experience. After it was fully blown out it, it wasn't even an Afro any more, it was more of a black cloud. He proceeded in locking my hair and I have had locks ever since. The positives to having locks: 1.Female attention 2. Not having to run to the barber shop every few days 3.Fooling people into thinking that you are "coffee-shop" just to reveal that I am as perverted and vulgar as a guy with a perm. 4.Did I mention the female attention. The negatives to having locks: 1. People randomly coming up to you and pulling your hair. 2.Dumb questions like "Do you wash your hair?" or "Are those braids?" 3. Every stoner in the world thinking that you have weed on you 4.It's harder to start fights because you are always scared that the other guy will do a bitch move and pull your hair and 5. People mistakenly thinking that you are a Rage lover. My friend thought that something I told her Saturday was the quote of the week, so here goes: "You know your hair is getting too long when you have to adjust you locks in order to wipe your ass"