Thursday, August 04, 2005

HumanityCritic's Hairstyles through the years..

This post was inspired by me flipping through a old photo album, and all the different haircuts I had during the years. These are are broken down to the year I had them, and the situations surrounded around said hairstyles. The mere fact that I admit that I had a Jheri Curl has to be the bravest act of any blogger ever.

Regular haircut:(1973-1984) My father, bless his heart, fashioned himself as a expert barber. He was a lot of things, a master mechanic, a 30 year Naval Veteran, a man that could basically fix anything, but he gave the worst haircuts in the world. The fucked up part was that until 6th grade I went to catholic schools and other private schools, so the kids there didn't really know what a jacked up haircut was. It wasn't until I started hanging with some of my public school compadres that I found out, in a not too subtle way, that my hair cut looked like Stevie Wonder was the barber. I would hear things like, "Whoever cut your hair should let you in on the joke!", or "Daaamn, Look at your head!", or my favorite, "I guarantee a girl will never kiss you as long as you head looks like a baboons ass!" The day I retired my father from cutting my hair he seemed to be disappointed, which made me feel sad for a few moments until I realized that I had a better chance getting a girl to kiss me wearing a feces necklace than to keep having that monstrosity of a haircut.

Jheri Curl:(1985-1986) Yes Ladies and Gentlemen, HumanityCritic had a jheri curl. For some reason my father really wanted the both of us to get jheri curls together, I guess he felt that a perfect way for a father and son to bond is to have extremely toxic chemicals on your scalp. I remember going through the process of getting the jheri curl, the curlers, the chemicals, the hair dryer, I felt like a car in the Indy 500 pulling over for a pit crew to work on me. After the stylists were done with us, I looked like an extremely greasy preteen and my father looked like some sort of glorified country pimp. I have tried to destroy any picture of myself from this time period, and if any of you ever discover any missing pictures I will pay you handsomely for them. Anyway, my jheri curl days ended pretty quickly due to the fact that any hairstyle that requires maintenance will soon go down in flames when the person wearing said hairstyle is lazy as fuck. Let me tell you, a unkept jheri curl ends up looking like a bunch of dried up hamster turds. This disastrous hairstyle ended with my father angrily shaving my heard saying, "You lazy motherfucker, your head looks like shit!". The funny thing is that his jheri curl was drier and looked even more cracked out than mine.

Bald Fade:(1987-1994) Getting this haircut was the best thing that could have happened to my self esteem, since having uneven haircuts from my father left me emotionally scarred for years. It kept my head cool, there were no chemicals you had to deal with, the only problem is that since my hair grows faster than my "manhood" around a think pair of thighs ,I was getting haircuts like every 6 days and shit. I had one setback during this period though, I let my father cut my hair before a track-meet. I hadn't gotten the chance to go to my barber that week, and I was about to be in a track-meet including 3 other schools who had extremely hot girls who would be in attendance. I guess I had forgotten the horrible haircuts that my father had given me so I asked him to hook me up. His face lit up like a inmate who has just been told that he is being released early, and proceeded in cutting my hair. At the time I thought he had done a great job, that was until I got laughed off the track by my teammates for having the "worst haircut ever." I was embarrassed, and since they wouldn't allow me to wear a hat during my track events I figured that I just had to endure the ridicule for the next two hours. The worst thing about that day is that my boy Ron taped that track meet, and even today he plays the tape for his friends for a good laugh. The best thing about that day is I got my best time in the 100 meter dash ever, a time of 10.5, not bad for a dude under 6 foot. But that was probably due to the fact that I didn't want anyone to see my fucked up haircut. After that it was back to getting a bald fade, that was until 1994 when I decided to change hairstyles due to the fact that people kept asking me if I was in the Navy. I don't know why that irritated me so much but it did.

Nappy Afro:(1994) After the bald fade I decided to grow my hair the fuck out, and that's exactly what I did. I remember my Afro absolutely scaring the shit out of my mother to the point that she actually offered me money to cut it immediately. I quickly realized that you become more threatening to people rocking the nappy fro, equipped with the Afro pick with the black fist as the handle. I remember treating my hair like a woman(No, not throwing money on the dresser and telling her to leave immediately..) with care and the necessary attention. The weird part about my Afro is that I always kept it edged up, but I never, never, ran a pick threw it. It was like the sides were all clean but the top of my head was absolute chaos. I loved this haircut, but I had to switch up because being that I never ran a pick through it, the top started to get matted and deadlock naturally. Fuck that!

Dreadlocks(1995-present) When I first entered my cousin Roland's hair salon I knew that I wanted dreadlocks. I have to be honest though, the process of him picking through my matted mess in order to blow out my Afro was quite the experience. After it was fully blown out it, it wasn't even an Afro any more, it was more of a black cloud. He proceeded in locking my hair and I have had locks ever since. The positives to having locks: 1.Female attention 2. Not having to run to the barber shop every few days 3.Fooling people into thinking that you are "coffee-shop" just to reveal that I am as perverted and vulgar as a guy with a perm. 4.Did I mention the female attention. The negatives to having locks: 1. People randomly coming up to you and pulling your hair. 2.Dumb questions like "Do you wash your hair?" or "Are those braids?" 3. Every stoner in the world thinking that you have weed on you 4.It's harder to start fights because you are always scared that the other guy will do a bitch move and pull your hair and 5. People mistakenly thinking that you are a Rage lover. My friend thought that something I told her Saturday was the quote of the week, so here goes: "You know your hair is getting too long when you have to adjust you locks in order to wipe your ass"

49 comments:

Beana said...

Too funny! My former hairstyles include the Tudy Mushroom cut, The Halle Berry short cut, to my present-day locs.

Beana

totolehero said...

you don't have weed on you at all times ?? what a deception !!!! Dreads are definitely hot !!

I am Jack said...

Don't feel bad bro, I rocked a curl and pictures of that actually still exist!! great post.

Anonymous said...

classic ice cube pic. that brother had that shit for way too long. very funny by the way.

U-Liang said...

I had a bowl haircut that looked like Jim Carrey in dumb and dumber.

FantasyFootballGuru said...

LMAO@dried up hampster turds!

shinjyo said...

Another classic post, even though I almost missed it due to the late posting.(uh-hem)

Bec said...

Ok, I think Dreads are sexy. DAMN, a intellect who loves his mother and is the best fucking writer in the blogishere!! AND YOU HAVE LOCKS!! that' hot!

Ethereal Darkness said...

You are a funny dude.

Urban Sista said...

Great post :) I've always loved men with locs -- it's just so... sexy (perfect example of that female attention you're talking about).

CaffeineDiva said...

The mere fact that I admit that I had a Jheri Curl has to be the bravest act of any blogger ever.

LMBAO!!!

I have to say that I am an extremist when it comes to men's hair... either I want them bald, or have long, flowing dreadlocks.
If I can't rub your head I want to run my fingers thru your dreadlocks a la Me'Shell Ndegeocello! Sexy!

Amadeo said...

Had the jacked up home cuts...my hair was soft so my fro never looked even, had the fade but barbers used to cut the back of my neck, locks are the perfect choice...I would modify the negative to not only pulling but touching them, I'ma break someones hand one day.

ManNMotion said...

LOL...definitely an evolution from jacked up cuts...to no cut at all...

jpsweet92174 said...

I got totally sucked in with your opening paragraph...thinking, "Am I finally going to get to see a picture of the Almighty Humanity Critic?" But, my excitement soon subsided when I saw that you used other peoples pictures rather than your own! Love the post as usual, but I am still waiting on those publicity photos..................

Luke Cage said...

U never rocked a Au'Naturelle baldie look man? ** head down, kicking a pebble into the lake * *

DM said...

It's been a year since I cut off my long perm to rock a natural and I love it! My fro is getting like Jermaine Jckson big now, so everybody's asking me when I am going to lock it up. I'm going for Diana Ross big hair though, so the answer's no time soon.

What's up with the phenomenon of everyone with locs knowing that eventually they'll have to cut them off. It's like an unwritten understanding...I find it quite alarming, but between people with locs, they all understand....

Zeezy4Sheezy said...

back in 1990 I used to rock a A high right, low left high top fade with 3 cuts in the side and a rat tail in the back... that's jacked up

quiet_beauty said...

I too wore the toxic Jheri Curl. In fact I did a post last month about the most horrible hairstyles ever created and the Jheri curl was #1. I had strangers handing me napkins and shit so I could wipe the back of my greasy neck. I don't blame you for getting rid of any pictures of yourself in that hairstyle. I know I destroyed all of mine.

Anonymous said...

Damn dude, even when you post late you have a slew of comments. You are the superblogger..lol I had a flat tope ala kid from kid-n-play. You are a riot.

piranha said...

I used to live right next to the Swiss border and actually worked there when both my hair was in dreads and smoking weed legal over there.
Guess who kept me waiting each and every time I crossed the border.
Damn. First of all I would have smoked over there and not take weed back to Germany and hey, just because I have dreads that don't mean I am a stoner.

But I think that I was too lazy for dreads, too. Straight hair just needs SOO much attention when you want the dreads to look good.
So braids are the best solution for me. Or short hair, but i love my long hair more than ever now.

Nikki said...

I wore locs for 8 years, cut them, now I'm twisting again. I really hate for some Caucasians to walk up to me asking off the wall things like, "How do you get your hair to do that? Can I touch it?" Irks me to no end.

coley said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
MIZPOWDERPINK said...

why did our parents do that to us?I had that greezy azz curl too. That bag on my head at night in the summer was the most horrible feeling in the world. But.. my stacks during the early 90's was da bomb. As black as I am, I knew I was Salt of Salt & Peppa. Good post:-)

coley said...

Ok I'm back... I'm with one of the other 500 commenters above lol!... I was thinking you were gonna show us a picture of yourself!??? errr I mean those beautiful, sexy dreads you got goin on... *wink*

SP said...

My hair has pretty much been the same all my life. It's just long and curly. My mom cut it to my shoulder (when it was straigh, which means it was really at my chin) once and that was the end of that.

Butta said...

Drats, I was hoping we'd get to see a pic of HC, too. Oh, and great post by the way. Thankfully I was never one of Jheri's kids. But I did have to endure my mom pressing my two feet hair with the lethal hot comb and later putting home relaxers in.

kev fan said...

I had white boy dreads for a while until the cops kept harrassing me. Good post.

Jesse said...

Your blog is awesome man, keep up the good writing.

DUKE OF FLUKE said...

I had a mop top for the longest time-looking like a hippie. On a side note, I like your blog because the comments are legit, not tarnished by multiple commets by the blog owner-Or people commenting multiple times themselves. You are the man..

Bridging The Dock said...

hey Critic -- I've been gone for a minute, but I wanted to give you a shout out to let u know that I'm working it on it!

dParker2.0 said...

HC, I believe you had what they used to call a "thirsty curl"...

When I was in 8th grade, one of my jheri-curled classmates had hair that was so long, that she constantly wore a small towel tucked into the back of her shirts(to protect her collars)...

Brother OMi said...

like homie said up above, you had a thirsty curl? you told the WRONG BROTHER that.. oh i am going to get you son...

but about the weed, stay away from Dead heads, i got a story about weed and dead heads.

Faith Anew said...

wow, way too much, i feel u though.

courtneyelizabeth said...

*giggle* cute....

arieschick said...

*shakes head at the jherri curl phase* hated to see that mess on women...not to mention men...phew..glad that phase is over. ;)

martha said...

I think dreads are hella sexy, though i;ve never dated a man with dreads

Sparkling said...

I'm going to be brave and ask, because I'm an ignorant caucasian... how does dreadlocks work?

BlueAngel said...

HC...you've got me crying over here...and as a woman, I can definitely relate to the many styles...

Shoot...I had the mushroom cut with all them damned layers - never worked for me because I had thin and fine hair...too much maintainence.

I had a fake Jheri Curl - with naturally curly hair, some grease n water would do the trick. I wanted a curl so bad!

I had the rediculous pony tail with the "fan" look. Lots of that black gel and spritz to hold that mess up. The fingerwaves which always itched like hell...and yes, the mini and micro braids which never stayed in because my thin hair was too slick for the extensions.

Now, I wear a short natural do...prompted by my move to Florida 3 years ago and my need to not want to manage naturally curly hair in the humidity.

5 minutes and a little gel keeps it looking crisp all day long. I love it and even though I sometimes want my long hair back, just remembering that I never could use hot curlers right brings me back to reality.

SHIMINEGE said...

very well written....I am in that bush fase now and I get alot of attention too..people are always asking me is it my real hair..I want to say.."what the fuck, do you think I will buy fake hair to look like this?!, or they ask if I am going to grow locks.....it is a bush dammit! lol Loved the blog.

brooklyn babe said...

I had the word "dread" when referring to my locks, I didn't dread anything about it when I did them, no have reached down to my ass status...lol. But I loved the fact that I could stand out in the rain... while all perm heads take cover...lol.
Ur too funny, and I'm so glad I didn't know U, with a dried curl.
I would of cracked on you HARD!
But I will say this before I bounce, the S-Curl saved a lot of brothas, phooled them too, made 'em think that had "good" hair... or "indian" in they family...lol. Lawd help US all. Lol

glory said...

why is that "female attention" comment SO true. i am a sucka for a nice head full of beautiful locks. ever since my boy gary dourdan was on a different world... LOL

Campaign Manager said...

Absolutely hilarious.

Folks, another reason as to why this Blogger should be nominated for an award at the 2005 Black Weblog Awards.

Jdid said...

the fro thing is interesting. i used to rock the fro and i realize its like scary to other folks here. it was ust weird for me cause growing up in the caribbean the fro was alot more acceptable than dreads, here its the opposite.

Professor Kim said...

It's funny to hear about the brothas and their hair drama. We sistas are alway talking about ours.

Cruise Control said...

With the exception of the Jheri Curl, all of these hair style could work on the right brother.

This is a great flash back.

Girlfriend A said...

LMAO,
Oh yeeah i remember the fro, thats when I fell in love with HC. HAHAHAHA, yeeah I was a victim of the curl it was like an epidemic in elementary school. Then I went to the T-Boz cut and then from there I cut all my perm off and started locking. I am 8 years strong and yeah you know your hair is long when you have to move your hair out the way before wiping your tail, I feel you HC...

josie said...

my hairstyle is ras-like. i have always kept my hair natural. i never relaxed my hair. all my friends that relaxed their hair wish that didnt and going natural now.

lady in satin said...

I think locs are so beautiful. I love all natural hair styles..afros, braids, locs, etc. I love to see beautiful locs on men and women. And I especially think locs are very sexy on men. To me, they symbolize strength and virility on a man. I always love to see a black person who doesn't mind having and flaunting their nappy hair!! I can't wait to start my locs. It will probably be another 2 or 3 months before my hair is ready for locking.

BTW...thanks for stopping by my blog. Laguna Beach comes on tomorrow night, don't forget to watch! =)

nottydreads said...

Three years ago, at age 45, when I began growing dreadlocks, my wife thought I was going through a midlife crisis. But at least I wouldn't blow all of our money on a red 'vette. Then she thought my "phase" would end in a few months or so when my co-workers and family would laugh and poke fun at me.

Today, I still wear my "mane". It's a little beyond shoulder length. A year or so ago, I went to a very expensive hair stylist to "subdue" my grey areas. She subdued my wallet, too. Anyway, that was the last dye job I'll ever get and my wife FINALLY likes my hair. As a matter of fact, she thinks I'm "kinda fly for an old guy". (smile)

Ilove your site and will make it my homepage! Thank you, young fella!