Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Being the Neighbor of a Television Family

I don't know about any of you out there, but I have the horrible habit of falling asleep with the television blasting. Granted, I fall asleep faster when it is on because of the fact that I find noise comforting, but there are definitely negatives to leaving the T.V on when you travel to dream land. Like this one time I fell asleep watching a profile of a serial killer, I had a dream where that crazy motherfucker was chasing me around my city with a machete, I almost wet myself. This other time I guess I had dozed off watching "The Crocodile Hunter", but in my dream I just ran and screamed like a woman in a horror flick as the host shook his head in shame. The following post is a fictitious take on what it would be like to live beside a television family, based on the time I fell asleep watching "Married with Children"

The Cosby's: The family that I moved next to is pretty nice, I think the wife is a lawyer and the husband is a Doctor or some shit. All of the kids seem nice, but I have had my eye on that Denise for a while now. I know she is only in High School and all, but she looks like a bona fide freak! I almost got with her too, but for some reason she ran out of the room when I put on some Lenny Kravitz for "mood music", she is indeed a strange one. Whenever we are chatting it up on my stoop her father quickly comes and drags her ass in the house and mumbles something incoherent under his breath. Yeah, ever since he caught me smoking week in my car outside the crib he has been damn near unbearable, yelling at Theo to bring his "ignorant ass in the house" when we are throwing the football around. Dr. Cosby is a good brother and all, but he called himself giving me a lecture about "responsibility" the other day and when I mentioned that I had went to a speech about that same topic by Michael Eric Dyson he damn near lost his mind.(What's his problem anyway?) Besides that they are pretty cool neighbors, nothing really strange there, except for the fact that every time they have me over all they serve is Jello fucking pudding.

The Bundy's: Al has to be the coolest guy ever, shit, he is my partner when we go to strip clubs and harass the local women of ill repute. The problem with hanging with Al is that he is always broke, and because of his dead end profession he always smells like feet. His family is alright, Bud is my weed hook-up so I obviously don't have any problems with him but Kelly is another story. I warned my boys about Kelly's "promiscuity", but they ignored me and had sex with her anyways. Now they all have a purple and blue rashes, and even the best doctors in the country don't know what the fuck it is. Al's wife Peg is cool, but she keeps pinching my ass in front of Al and calling me her "favorite chocolate blogger".(The weirder thing is that Al gave me permission to "Hit that", as he so succinctly put it) Overall I have no major complaints about The Bundy's, even though I found it quite disturbing when I found them going through my trash for food last week.

The Ingles: What are these fuckers, Amish or something?? They don't own any cars, they have a small animal farm in their back yard, and the father of the family looks like the guy who starred in the T.V series 'Highway to Heaven" and shit. They are nice enough, but if I hear the question "What are those long black strings hanging from your scalp my negro friend?" I think I'm going to snap. I have told them that they need to get a car for better transportation, but those fuckers insist on going everywhere with a horse and carriage. Which leaves another problem because they have my yard littered with tons of horseshit, which I may add is a terrible scent when you have a lady over. Now that Mr. Ingalls' daughters are getting older, I think its time for them to ditch those long ass dresses and start wearing some skirts, or something more revealing. When I suggest this to the young women they seemed interested, but when their father got wind of my devilish plan he gathered up a witch hunt and had about 30 people outside my house holding torches. I think it's time for their ass to move.

The Adams Family: Maybe I was drunk, or smoked a bad batch of weed or something, but I could have sworn that I saw a human hand crawl inside their house last night. That family scares the shit out of me, and there are good reasons behind that. For one thing all they wear is black, in the winter or summer, black. When Gomez was working on his monstrosity of an automobile this summer, in 95 degree heat he had the nerve to turn to me and say, "Whew, it sure is hot out here, isn't it HumanityCritic?" He didn't like it when I responded, "I guess so, wearing a long black trench coat and black gloves in the dead of summer tends to make it feel that way!!" His wife, Morticia, is a hot piece of "evil ass" if I do say so myself. I always wanted to try to take her away from Gomez, but I thought against it when I saw that Gomez had a collection of heads on his wall from men who tried to "pick up" Morticia.(I'm not stupid) But I must admit, Morticia has a string of freaky goth friends that I have run through since they have lived in my neighborhood. The kids are cool, Pugsly is a nice boy, but Wednesday is one smart little girl though. Her little ass somehow created a monster marijuana crop that not only grew in a day or so, but it is also undetectable from any type of urine test. There is a catch though, she wants 60% of my profits. Shit!

20 comments:

KHALLI 88 said...

Yeah those Cosby's are something :) enjoyed the post nice spin on TV families.

ms_denee said...

"What are those long black strings hanging from your scalp my negro friend?" LOL too funny.

Nice post, thanks for stopping by my page.

melette said...

Your imagination is a trip.

Amadeo said...

This whole realm of fantasy is ripe with opportunities to corrupt people.

I am Jack said...

You are a trip, great post man. lol

Wendy said...

You have quite the imagination Mr. HumanitryCritic. Awesome blog.

Sparkling said...

Thanks for your comment on my blog. I'll come back and read this post later, but for now I'm going to grab some dinner. TV dinner?

chele said...

Too funny. I had to start turning the television off before bed ... once I fell asleep watching Dr. 90210 and this woman was having surgery because she had too much skin surrounding her clitoris. That night I dreamed that my own was so huge it dangled past my knees and everytime I was naked my cat would take a swing at it. Scared the hell out of me.

Xanthippas said...

Ha..that's hilarious.

Thanks for visiting our blog by the way. Hope to see you around again.

Schatzi said...

ROFLMAO @ Chele.

You crack me up...

CaffeineDiva said...

You are twisted.
Good post Fucker!

The Urban Author said...

Ha! Again I say... Ha! You know what's funny? Right after I read this, Donna calls me and tells me about this fire/car alarm that she incorporated into her dream. I told her that she has to read this blog!

Luke Cage said...

Mannn, you're not lying. When I fall asleep, my dreams are usually influenced by the last thing that I was watching before I dozed off. And if it's a horror movie, ya best believe I'm in for it that evening dawg.

And to piggyback the whole Hip Hop Honors awards, I don't know why this entire post reminds me of LL Cool J's "And My Rhyme Ain't Done." If you're familiar with that track, you'll understand the comparison. Peace, 2 fingers...

Captain Bee said...

I'm all about the Bundy family...that girl sure grew up to be easy on the eyes.

Ms Peculiar said...

WHAT??? Where in the hell is Robert Young?? My three sons? oh, sorry they must have moved out because of the stringy things on the Negro neighbors head.
(Them bastards were probably talking to the bunkers and said - aint no mo movin on up to MY East side.)
LMAO!
Sorry, Didn't mean to bite.. It just made my mind see it all in technicolor.. Keep doin what you do. I enjoy the read.
MS

petrow said...

i think your missing the growing pains and the facts of life , what about corkie!

i fall asleep with it on too, makes for wierd feeling and questions of if I'm in the same house i started in.....loves it.

Justin said...

Man I want some of that shit Wednesday's growin'. Grown in a day? Fucking A!

kathi said...

Trying to imagine you being my next door neighbor...

piranha said...

oh, HC, don't worry, first of all I am totally loyal to whom ever I choose to like and secondly this fucking jackass increases the number of comments on my post and as I obviously give a shit about quality and am all for quantity I am the happiest person ever now, with 31 comments on my post. yeah. ;-P
just kiddin, but you get the point. i say: bloggers unite against such weirdos! let them play until they find sth better to do. they just want to fight and get attention and the least i would do is to give that to them. man, he did 31 one times my wordverificationthing, isn't that just .... pathetic???
yeah yeah yeah, longlive wordverification.
so nope, i won't stop coming to your blog because of peanuts, allright! you are my daily bloggerbread...;-)

with regards to the post: my sister and I want to write a screenplay and I just realized we might need your help....
hang on, i ll write you later....
peace and love!
piranha

Joanne said...

LMAO!!! At you and at chele! That happened to me this past weekend. I went to sleep watching Trauma: Life in the ER and had a dream that I was working in the ER when a horrible accident victim came in... Crazy! Anyway, your neighbors sound great! You're very talented! Like your blog!