Wednesday, September 14, 2005

Diary of a Mad Single Black Blogger

It has become apparent, over the time that my band has been in existence, that my band-mates are desperately trying to play Russian Roulette with my penis. Let me explain: See, the other 5 gentlemen in my band are all married and have 2.5 kids and a white picket fence and shit, I am the only single one so they have been trying to live vicariously through me since day one. The problem is that I must be the most neurotic, germaphobic front-man ever to live, so having sex with strange women isn't something that happens regularly, especially over the past couple of years. I mean, I love sex like the next guy, so much that my therapist says that I have a "sexual addiction", but the only thing that trumps my addiction is the fact that I have actually considered wearing a spacesuit and rubber gloves to have sex. I am that germaphobic, and the whole "waiting to see if a rash develops, and if there is a burning sensation when I pee" part can be a bit tedious. Every time we have band practice, one of the guys asks me, "So Critic, what did you do over the weekend? That girl who was at our last show?? hee-hee We want details, what did you get into??" Me: Well, I did some writing, saw a couple of movies, and watched the DVD of "The Office"

I know I disappoint them, but I guess I can't be anyone but myself. Besides the obvious "health reasons", I wouldn't hook-up with a woman that goes to one of our shows because it would be awkward seeing her at other shows, and what if I'm a bad lay? I mean, this is embarrassing to admit, but what if she sees me in a certain way while I'm on stage, and when when I take her home I let her down faster than a plummeting elevator. I always felt that if I wasn't packing the proper "heat"(did I just say "heat"? Heavens!) that she would come to our next show with a big sign saying, "Ladies, That motherfucker is hung like a toddler!!". No thanks! Besides my insecurities about the situation in general, the particular women that they think I should get to know "biblicly" don't seem like the type of women I want to get involved with anyway. Let me break a few of them down and get your honest opinion.

(The pictures are just actresses that I think resemble the women in question, that's all. Do you fuckers think that if I had the chance to be with the "Half Baked" girl that I would be behind a computer screen? I would dazzle her with 3 minutes of lovemaking, THEN be behind a computer screen.)

Suzy: If there is one reason that my band-mates think that I am a closeted homosexual is because of Suzy, and my refusal to sleep with her. I talked about Suzy about 9 months ago, where I provoked a fight she got into around Christmas time. Suzy is basically my carbon copy, besides the fact that she is Latina, a woman, and bi-sexual, but you get the point. She is beautiful, but you know that you have a out of control temper when I am the one calming you sown, being the voice of reason. Granted, she provides the ultimate entertainment, because when there are some female hecklers who don't care for our anti-bush songs, Suzy is always there to knock them clean the fuck out. I have to admit, to an asshole like me that is pretty hot, but the fact that she is always pissy drunk and tugging at my zipper is not really attractive. OK, it's attractive sometimes, but not in a "will you be my girlfriend" kind of way. Also, her bi-sexuality is a issue simply because competing with guys is a task all in itself, add females to the mix and I might be a complete wreck trying to vie for her full attention. Sometimes I have fantasies of Suzy and I getting it on with one of her girlfriends, but that dream turns into a nightmare when I remember one of her girlfriends resembled Bruce Willis. Yippee-Kiyay motherfucker! But I would hope that all of you don't see this as me passing judgment on Suzy, hell, I share my issues with all of you daily, yall know I'm fucked up. I'm just giving reason why I couldn't get involved with her, that's all.

Gina: Gina is a favorite of my band-mates because she cooks for all of them whenever she attends one of our shows. I say "all of them" because I never eat her food, and it is probably delicious, but I have an issue with eating anything from someone I hardly know.(That sentence actually had a double meaning. *wink*) Gina is beautiful, smart, classy, everything that a man would want right?? Maybe. For one thing, I have never met anyone who was so fucking vague about their past. I'm not talking about some "How many guys have you slept with?" shit, I'm talking about some common "What city are you from? and Where were you born?" shit. Her reluctance to answer questions makes me think that she is either on the run for murder, or that she was secretly a man at some point in her life.(Maybe its the latter, because of how emotional she got when I was talking about "how gays should be allowed to marry") I know I'm nitpicking, but has anyone ever been staring at you and you can feel their glance burning into your skin? She stares at me to the point that I feel uncomfortable, I always imagine that she is a hit-woman hired to kill me, but she plays the "groupie" role just in order to get closer to her target. I know, I am a paranoid fuck, that is probably the reason I'm still single.

Karen: The guys in my band like her because she is the only person that can stand toe to toe with me in a argument, but who says that I like that shit? I met Karen when she was at one of our shows a couple years ago, when her then boyfriend tried to manhandle her outside and back home. Myself, one that despises violence against women, calmly told the gentleman in question to "get his hands off of her!" When he grabbed my shirt with both hands, as a reflex I head-butted him, hard as shit. I remember almost knocking myself out with that "brilliant" maneuver. Since then Karen has been our biggest fan, I only wish it was for the right reasons. For one thing, since that fateful day 2 years ago, she thinks that she "owes" me for what I did and wants to pay me with a night of "guilt free" sex. That sounds excellent, especially for a guy known for sneaking out of a woman's apartment 3 in the morning with clothes in hand, but I always decline her offer. I know a damaged individual when I see one, hell, I am one. She is still reeling from her 6 year abusive relationship, and the last thing she needs is a asshole like me fucking her life up even more.

Not only that, she really doesn't know me based on the following rant that she went on: "HumanityCritic, I have love for you because you are patient, kind, considerate, and just a lovable easygoing guy!" Who in the fuck was she talking about? But I must admit, the "guilt-free" sex bit is tempting, putting on my jacket and geeting ready to go while climaxing is a blog post in itself.

Deidre: My band-mates love her because she is the nicest one out of the bunch, and the fact that her body is something you would see in a porn flick doesn't hurt matters. Deidre, to be totally honest, is the perfect female. She has a love for real Hip Hop, educated, funny, easy to talk to, and the most important factor is that she doesn't irritate the piss out of me like a lot of folks do. Why don't I try and date her you ask?? Why don't I pursue a relationship? Well, I don't mean to get all Oprah on your ass but here goes. Deidre's family used to get their cars fixed at my father's car shop for years, so I have sort of known her for more than a decade. One day when Deidre was down at my pops shop to get her family's car, I was down there that particular day helping my father out. Well, that day, she was witness to a half hour belittling session compliments of my father, it was brutal man. I defended myself from the verbal onslaught, but it was still ugly.

Anyway, whenever I see Deidre it brings me back to that day at my old man's car garage, being that she is the only person outside my family to witness the wrath of my father and his intended target, me. I've told her about it and she claims that she doesn't remember that, but I know that she is just saying that to be nice. Damn, I am fucked up.


Coming Soon- A blog dedicated to my band, and our weekly bullshit.(That's if you fuckers even care)

46 comments:

totolehero said...

yes.. you are indeed fucked up...
don't get your pride in the way HC.. this Deidre girl sounds really nice.. and if she says that she doesn't remember it.. then you should forget it too..
"I have love for you because you are patient, kind, considerate, and just a lovable easygoing guy!"<-- i think this could be true, but you're in denial... hehehe;)

I am Jack said...

Great post. Humor, seriousness, the whole thing..

FantasyFootballGuru said...

That was awesome. Find out if that girl used to be a man, and if she isn't then do your thing!! Come on HC!!!

Anonymous said...

Yes I am posting anonymously but I got love for you. Funny as usual.

Karen(Not the one in your post dammit!)

Logan said...

"It has become apparent, over the time that my band has been in existence, that my band-mates are desperately trying to play Russian Roulette with my penis"

Funniest. Line. Ever.

Jdid said...

ok suzy - crazy, dont mess with her, she will kick your ass
gina - crazy in a you get with her, your rabbit will end up in a pot type of way
karen - well thats mighty considerate of you to not mess with her
gina - get over the issues and go for it. lol . yea like you actually asked my opinion

shinjyo said...

nice!! very insightful man.

bec said...

Great stuff like always. I'm just trying to figure out how you can write good stuff on a daily basis.

kathi said...

Very funny stuff, and yup, some quality thought in there too. My new favorite lines: 'hung like a toddler' & 'getting ready to go while climaxing'. Best lines I've ever heard or read anywhere. Thanks.

CaffeineDiva said...

"HumanityCritic, I have love for you because you are patient, kind, considerate, and just a lovable easygoing guy!"
HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!
Sorry...had a big chuckle on that one! the only thing right about that sentence is the lovable part!

Deidre sounds great & you shouldn't let her get away! Get over the past & date her. She doesn't remember & she seems like she'd be good for you.
Of course the question would be...Would you be good for her?

Brother OMi said...

i think you should go for diedre. you know as a youngblood i got my ass beat in front of a few sisters. it stopped me for awhile.

but go for it dude. and if you can , record the sex..

dope post as usual
but hey man you a ROCK STAR. you supposed to get booty everywhere you go man. do your thing even if it lasts 2 minutes on a good night

glory said...

got me wondering which actress i look like, if i look like one at all...

Danyel said...

LOLOLOLOLOLOL.

wrap yourself in Saran Wrap and take a dip, why don't you.

: )

Amadeo said...

I'll be the other voice...don't do it...if you can't feel it don't convince yourself to throw your dick on the crap table. Sex changes everything.

Anonymous said...

LMBAO!! Yu don't have ny sense. But, good luck though.

sheila said...

Funny-as-shit. I can't wait for your band blog!!

Garden Fanatic said...

Great stuff, always entertaining. I was going through your archives..you should get paid off of this shit!

Bob Smith said...

You have a way with words my friend, impressive.

Coffey0072 said...

Maybe its the latter, because of how emotional she got when I was talking about "how gays should be allowed to marry")

Or she just could be a passionate 'faghag' like me... issues like gay marriage is near and dear.

I'm jealous of the totality of your groupiage, though. I need to get me a handful of those. Hopefully not hung like toddlers. lol

E_1979 said...

damn a band blog site... It has potential ... but if its about the office DVD watching count me out....... splitting your time between both ....interesting

MsTee said...

I am just reading your blog for the first time and I think you are like my cyber kindred spirit. From the belittling father to the germ dodging...im like wow. And you are hilarious too...although Im not sure you are always trying to be. But still...wow.

miyna said...

Diva's right, honey. (hey Diva!)
you need to find out about that girl. she may not actually remember, and if she's willing to forget, then there's something there, seriously.

unless she's addicted to men she thinks she can 'rescue' from themselves...

but seriously, she sounds nice. have dinner. stay away from the lobster joints.

melette said...

You are ridiculous.

msjaim said...

I say put all of their names in a hat.. reach in & pick one..yep it's come down to that these days.. Being single is OVERRATED. Ill say that shit every chance I get.. Ill take the same wang till death do me part v/s months w/no wang @ all.. rotfl..But seriously man.. dont let them send you off.. groupies suck.. but then u might like that..lmbao!

STYLE+GRACE said...

lmao hung like a toddler...lmao

sj-the-infamous said...

I was in a plummeting elevator earlier this week...

If you weren't so scared shitless, the free-fall feeling would actually...be...erotic...

Breathtaking, if nothing else....

And sex in an elevator -- yanno, I digress....

DefSufi said...

Came to have a look-see at your blog since you had a peek at mine. Good stuff...and yes, I would like to hear about your band!

LadyLee said...

Mr. Humanity Critic... You so crazy!!

lady in satin said...

Interesting. Do you sing in your band, or play any instruments?

fenixfire11 said...

Incredible writing...this needs to be published...or at least made into a film...series...somethin'!

Oh, and about your women issues...baby...if she is the right one for you, you would not be asking for advice on who to choose...you just KNOW... and not give a damn about my opinion or Sally Sue's...Just let your soul guide you.

About sex issues...I SO FEEL YOU! It is not that important in the grand scheme of things...but it sho' feels like it is when you in the throes of passion...shit.

Thank you for giving me another reason to smile today...and to laugh out loud! Keep stong HC.

peace, love and patience...
ciao!

Chele said...

Everybody is trying to get you married off, but they MUST not be thinking. If you had a wife, that would take away from your blogging to be with her. Shame on them!

Wha????

uzuri.afi said...

"...but that dream turns into a nightmare when I remember one of her girlfriends resembled Bruce Willis. Yippee-Kiyay motherfucker! " FLATLINED....you killed me on that part. Take your time....love will come dont let them pressure you.

E said...

Karen obviously hasn't read your blog. ..:-) However, you give valid reasons for not wanting to pursue any of them. I too have married friends that try to live vicariously through me. They'd be disappointed to know my reality..*LOL*

josie said...

why would you think we wouldnt care

Noodle10 said...

First time visiting your blog -- really enjoyed reading your recent post. I'll have to check it out more often . . .

Anonymous said...

I think it's better to be the way that you are instead of the way SOME people are these days. Sex isn't a game, I think most people have forgotten the true meaning of it. You should be proud of yourself for having higher moral standards.

-Melissa
http://www.comotized.com

Hummingbyrd said...

Humanity...it truly is a small world as I was just looking in my notebook and say that I had written down your blog address in JULY....and then peeped yesterday that you left me a note on my blog.....

aplomb said...

Everytime I visit your site I am cracking up!! I would love to see you put these antics of yours into a skit (Chappelle Show) style, man that would be hilarious!!

Nia said...

You know I never understood the whole head butting thing, I kept thinking isn't the other guy hurt as well? Thanks for clearing that up for me. LOL

Kelly said...

The only decent sounding option is Diedre. The question is, is she even interested in you? Would she want to take things to the next level?

ManNMotion said...

I don't remember hearing about the germaphobe a few months ago when your were in NY and Jane invited those three lesbians back home with y'all....

Seriously man, get a grip and go for Dierdre, she sounds like a nice girl. I bet your therapist says something like you're scared cause she's seen you when you were vulnerable. Give that self doubt a throat chop buddy. Don't force it, just hang out with her and see what happens.

ChaCha Dos said...

You sir, are funny as hell. Are you my long lost sarcastic brother my parents tell me about? Just kidding but I now know I can not read your blog while I'm at work, I would laugh way too loud.

Pharell said...

Deidre, Deidre, Deidre! Deidre is the answer to your question. It's okay to love. Really it is! Love, Love, Love, Lo......!

Butta said...

Deidre sounds like she is sane, which usually helps. I'd say pursue that one.

I hate groupies said...

Yeah groupies suck that is why I bought a t-shirt to show everyone how much I hate groupies. I found out about the website fromm a myspace page that directed me to groupiessuck.com
Boring site not much on it except some coool designs.... but it does the job!

Anonymous said...

GROUPIES SUCK FAT COCK! BURN YOU SLUTS, BURN!!! i love my bf with all my heart but thanks to his successful career as a local rap artist my love for his "fans" and their support for him and his group disentegrated into dust before it had the chance to flourish. those pathetic exuses for "fans" are nothing more than pantyless, idiotic little slut bags who only come to his performances looking to get some dick, but little do they know that I am getting the dick they crave. all i want, when i want. so IN YOUR FACES YOU SKANKS!

-love, i hate groupies also.