It has become apparent, over the time that my band has been in existence, that my band-mates are desperately trying to play Russian Roulette with my penis. Let me explain: See, the other 5 gentlemen in my band are all married and have 2.5 kids and a white picket fence and shit, I am the only single one so they have been trying to live vicariously through me since day one. The problem is that I must be the most neurotic, germaphobic front-man ever to live, so having sex with strange women isn't something that happens regularly, especially over the past couple of years. I mean, I love sex like the next guy, so much that my therapist says that I have a "sexual addiction", but the only thing that trumps my addiction is the fact that I have actually considered wearing a spacesuit and rubber gloves to have sex. I am that germaphobic, and the whole "waiting to see if a rash develops, and if there is a burning sensation when I pee" part can be a bit tedious. Every time we have band practice, one of the guys asks me, "So Critic, what did you do over the weekend? That girl who was at our last show?? hee-hee We want details, what did you get into??" Me: Well, I did some writing, saw a couple of movies, and watched the DVD of "The Office"
I know I disappoint them, but I guess I can't be anyone but myself. Besides the obvious "health reasons", I wouldn't hook-up with a woman that goes to one of our shows because it would be awkward seeing her at other shows, and what if I'm a bad lay? I mean, this is embarrassing to admit, but what if she sees me in a certain way while I'm on stage, and when when I take her home I let her down faster than a plummeting elevator. I always felt that if I wasn't packing the proper "heat"(did I just say "heat"? Heavens!) that she would come to our next show with a big sign saying, "Ladies, That motherfucker is hung like a toddler!!". No thanks! Besides my insecurities about the situation in general, the particular women that they think I should get to know "biblicly" don't seem like the type of women I want to get involved with anyway. Let me break a few of them down and get your honest opinion.
(The pictures are just actresses that I think resemble the women in question, that's all. Do you fuckers think that if I had the chance to be with the "Half Baked" girl that I would be behind a computer screen? I would dazzle her with 3 minutes of lovemaking, THEN be behind a computer screen.)
Suzy: If there is one reason that my band-mates think that I am a closeted homosexual is because of Suzy, and my refusal to sleep with her. I talked about Suzy about 9 months ago, where I provoked a fight she got into around Christmas time. Suzy is basically my carbon copy, besides the fact that she is Latina, a woman, and bi-sexual, but you get the point. She is beautiful, but you know that you have a out of control temper when I am the one calming you sown, being the voice of reason. Granted, she provides the ultimate entertainment, because when there are some female hecklers who don't care for our anti-bush songs, Suzy is always there to knock them clean the fuck out. I have to admit, to an asshole like me that is pretty hot, but the fact that she is always pissy drunk and tugging at my zipper is not really attractive. OK, it's attractive sometimes, but not in a "will you be my girlfriend" kind of way. Also, her bi-sexuality is a issue simply because competing with guys is a task all in itself, add females to the mix and I might be a complete wreck trying to vie for her full attention. Sometimes I have fantasies of Suzy and I getting it on with one of her girlfriends, but that dream turns into a nightmare when I remember one of her girlfriends resembled Bruce Willis. Yippee-Kiyay motherfucker! But I would hope that all of you don't see this as me passing judgment on Suzy, hell, I share my issues with all of you daily, yall know I'm fucked up. I'm just giving reason why I couldn't get involved with her, that's all.
Gina: Gina is a favorite of my band-mates because she cooks for all of them whenever she attends one of our shows. I say "all of them" because I never eat her food, and it is probably delicious, but I have an issue with eating anything from someone I hardly know.(That sentence actually had a double meaning. *wink*) Gina is beautiful, smart, classy, everything that a man would want right?? Maybe. For one thing, I have never met anyone who was so fucking vague about their past. I'm not talking about some "How many guys have you slept with?" shit, I'm talking about some common "What city are you from? and Where were you born?" shit. Her reluctance to answer questions makes me think that she is either on the run for murder, or that she was secretly a man at some point in her life.(Maybe its the latter, because of how emotional she got when I was talking about "how gays should be allowed to marry") I know I'm nitpicking, but has anyone ever been staring at you and you can feel their glance burning into your skin? She stares at me to the point that I feel uncomfortable, I always imagine that she is a hit-woman hired to kill me, but she plays the "groupie" role just in order to get closer to her target. I know, I am a paranoid fuck, that is probably the reason I'm still single.
Karen: The guys in my band like her because she is the only person that can stand toe to toe with me in a argument, but who says that I like that shit? I met Karen when she was at one of our shows a couple years ago, when her then boyfriend tried to manhandle her outside and back home. Myself, one that despises violence against women, calmly told the gentleman in question to "get his hands off of her!" When he grabbed my shirt with both hands, as a reflex I head-butted him, hard as shit. I remember almost knocking myself out with that "brilliant" maneuver. Since then Karen has been our biggest fan, I only wish it was for the right reasons. For one thing, since that fateful day 2 years ago, she thinks that she "owes" me for what I did and wants to pay me with a night of "guilt free" sex. That sounds excellent, especially for a guy known for sneaking out of a woman's apartment 3 in the morning with clothes in hand, but I always decline her offer. I know a damaged individual when I see one, hell, I am one. She is still reeling from her 6 year abusive relationship, and the last thing she needs is a asshole like me fucking her life up even more.
Not only that, she really doesn't know me based on the following rant that she went on: "HumanityCritic, I have love for you because you are patient, kind, considerate, and just a lovable easygoing guy!" Who in the fuck was she talking about? But I must admit, the "guilt-free" sex bit is tempting, putting on my jacket and geeting ready to go while climaxing is a blog post in itself.
Deidre: My band-mates love her because she is the nicest one out of the bunch, and the fact that her body is something you would see in a porn flick doesn't hurt matters. Deidre, to be totally honest, is the perfect female. She has a love for real Hip Hop, educated, funny, easy to talk to, and the most important factor is that she doesn't irritate the piss out of me like a lot of folks do. Why don't I try and date her you ask?? Why don't I pursue a relationship? Well, I don't mean to get all Oprah on your ass but here goes. Deidre's family used to get their cars fixed at my father's car shop for years, so I have sort of known her for more than a decade. One day when Deidre was down at my pops shop to get her family's car, I was down there that particular day helping my father out. Well, that day, she was witness to a half hour belittling session compliments of my father, it was brutal man. I defended myself from the verbal onslaught, but it was still ugly.
Anyway, whenever I see Deidre it brings me back to that day at my old man's car garage, being that she is the only person outside my family to witness the wrath of my father and his intended target, me. I've told her about it and she claims that she doesn't remember that, but I know that she is just saying that to be nice. Damn, I am fucked up.
Coming Soon- A blog dedicated to my band, and our weekly bullshit.(That's if you fuckers even care)