Thursday, September 08, 2005

Therapist on Speed-Dial

I have to honest, when I first started seeing my therapist because of my "anger issues" I thought that she was an absolute quack. She just sat there writing in a journal as I talked about the physical altercations that I have been in, father issues, and other fucked up things about yours truly. At times I felt that she wasn't listening, so mid-sentence I would say something totally crazy like "Sometimes I enjoy horse semen on a hot summer day!" That never worked because she would look up, adjust her glasses and say, "So, tell me why you enjoy horse semen so much?" Outside of myself, there is nothing I hate more than a smart-ass. Besides that, I almost ended our sessions when she said the following: "HumanityCritic, you have anger issues, you are a germaphobe, and you have a sexual addiction that needs to be worked on." I gave a irritated smirk, walked over to her computer and typed in www.nappydiatribe.blogspot.com and said, "Any random motherfucker who comments on my blog could have told me that!! I am spending good money here, loot that could have been used for better things like beer and strippers, and that is your brilliant analysis?"

But I am sticking it out, and besides the time that she called me an asshole(that can't be good) we have been making some progress, the mere fact that I don't get that angry anymore is a sign of that. But recently she asked me something that I found utterly ridiculous, she asked me to call her whenever I felt a "moment of rage" coming on. I nodded and said I would, not really thinking that I would ever do it, but a few times recently I have had to call her up. Here are a few incidents that I want to share with you.

My neighbors, a beauty salon, and the lawn: Did I ever tell you about my neighbors to the right of me, boy do I hate those fuckers. For one thing, when they moved last year the first thing they did was put in a make shift beauty salon in their garage. Besides it being a losing investment because under the law here you can only have one client at a time if you have it in your house, but it is all the miserable bastards who go there and park in front of my house like they have lost their mind. Looking back I know I have come off as kind of prick, due to the many times I have verbally assaulted anyone who dares to park in front of my driveway. But lately, due to my therapy sessions and hopefully late maturation process that comes with turning 32, things have gone somewhat smoothly, that was until we had an issue with the grass recently.

The next door neighbor has a bad habit of cutting into my property, I don't mean a line or two either, like six lines and shit. So, in a passive aggressive way, I had some surveyors come by and put down spray paint marks and pegs showing where my property started. I figured that that should be good enough to show him what was up without cursing him the fuck out. That didn't work at all. After about 4 weeks of him doing the exact same thing, I could feel my temperature rising, and the fact that I saw him getting ready to cut his grass just lit a fire in me. So I suddenly remembered to call my therapist if I was about to explode, so I did. The telephone conversation went a little like this. Me: I'm about to have an outburst. Therapist: OK, remember what I told you, breath, control your anger. Me: OK, I'm breathing, I'm calming dow..(Looking outside at my neighbor cutting into my grass again) Goddammit him!!(puts phone in pocket and rushes outside) I had no intention to lay a finger on my neighbor, but the way I ran up on him scared the shit out of him. So I took a breath, pointed to the two chalk marks and wooden peg and said, "Do you know what that signifies??" He looked at it, smirked and said, "I don't fucking know?" I told that him that they were to show where my property started, where he then said "So?? Why do you care?" (suddenly I feel like David Banner turning into the Hulk, but this time I am HumanityCritic turning into my father) I say the following: "What are you fucking stupid? It matters because you ignorant fuckers cut your grass entirely too low, so the fact that you cut 5 lines into my yard it makes a difference! What are you 40, and you didn't know what those pegs signified?? You have the I.Q of lunch-meat, if I ever see you doing that again I'm going to take one of those pegs and shove.."(I suddenly remember the phone in my pocket where my therapist was still on the line.) I pick up the phone and say, "Did you hear all of that?, where she replied, "Yeah, umm, we have to talk".

Who you calling a bitch?: I have been friends with Randy since I was 12 years old, through thick and thin, his jail-time and my asshole-ness, we've been through it all. His mother is like a second mom to me, she has always made me a part of their family.(Even though Randy being a Bush supporter sometimes makes me want to commit sibling homicide) Anyway, I was invited to have dinner over Randy's mother's house for a great Sunday meal. As she is cooking the dinner she relays a story about a cashier at the grocery store who had called her a "stupid bitch" an hour earlier, simply because she had pointed out that the cashier had given her incorrect change. I could feel my blood pressure rising, simply because we all have mothers, aunts, whatever, that are the nicest people in the world and wouldn't hurt a fly. I'm not going to lie, some people have mothers deserving of inappropriate words thrown their way, but Randy's mom wasn't one of them. Randy looked at me and said, "HumanityCritic don't!", as I proceeded to get the description of the cashier in vivid detail.(Looking back, the way Randy's mom gave me an exact description like I was a police sketch artist, made me think that she was in approval of my future rant.) As I drive up to the store I call my therapist and tell her what's happening: Me: Yeah, I'm about to curse this chick out who called my friend's mom a bitch. Her: You are supposed to call me before you initiate the act, not during. You pretty much have made up your mind that you're going to do this huh? How mature is that? Me: Not very doc, I feel you on that.(See a woman who fit the description outside smoking a cigarette) Gotta go.

You know what, I must have a "Oh shit, he's about to beat my ass" walk about me because the girl in question looked alarmed. I asked to see her manager because of her calling customers "bitches" like she had lost her mind. She let out some obscenities my direction, to the point that the manager came out due to the noise. When I explained the situation to the manager, the girl in question was calling me all kind of "bastard's" and waving her arms like she was crazy.(I would have paid money to become a woman for one minute. But then again, if I had the power to be a woman for even one minute, I might spent that time fondling myself, not fighting, anyway) The manager, based on her actions, fired her on the spot. Then suddenly the boyfriend, who had arrived to pick her up I guess, tried to step up. My eyes lit up and I said, "Yess, someone who I can beat up" as I threw my hands up and talk shit. I must have looked crazy now that I think about it, a long haired dreadlocked dude who hadn't shaved in a week, wearing a John Carlos shirt where he was giving the black power symbol at the Olympics, because the boyfriend said, "It's cool man, I don't have a problem with you." I went back to my car and called my therapist, and in an act of defiance, or maybe she was getting some ass, she didn't answer. I sat in that parking lot and cried, because I wondered if I could ever control this, and what if my anger transfers over to how I deal with my kids?

It's just a card game: I have ruined some friendships over the years, but in this particular case I don't particularly care. I had been playing poker at my friend Jeff's house for about a month straight. It was cool because him and all of his friends loved real hip hop, and most of them couldn't play cards if their life depended on it, so leaving each game with 300 more dollars more than what I came with isn't that bad. This one night I was told by Jeff that his father would be playing, he had just gotten in town from Texas. Jeff kept warning me, "HumanityCritic, my dad is a character, so you have to take him with a grin of salt" At the time I took that as meaning that he was a "shit talker", not a full blown racist. We start playing and Jeff's father seems pretty cool, he is kind of quiet, but cool regardless. About an hour, a few drinks in him, and 200 dollars of his money in my pocket later, he started to piss me off something fierce. Besides him coming off like a complete racist, he kept saying that he would "cut me" if I walked off with his money. I told him, "You won't cut anybody, plus I gave you multiple times to win your money back. Face it, like when your welfare check doesn't come and your broke, you suck motherucker!!" As he got drunker and even more racist, I knew it was time to leave. It was weird because I took this situation to be a serious one, but Jeff and his friends laughed continuously and said, "HumanityCritic, that is just how my dad is!!" When I grabbed my money and started to leave, Jeff's dad reached in his pocket and pulled out a knife and said "Your black ass isn't going anywhere with my money!" I glanced at Jeff for some sort sign that he would control his dad but all he did was laugh. So I proceeded in kicking the old man's chair over with him in it ,grabbing the knife, and screamed "I should cut you Achilles tendon and stick a sock in your mouth!!"(I heard that in a Ludacris song and thought I would use it there, no one would know the difference)

Jeff was screaming, "HumanityCritic, don't hurt my dad!, then I said "Where was this outrage before!?" Then I did something that I shouldn't have, I took the knife and cut a clump of Jeff's fathers hair off and said, "Never pull a knife on me again" and started to walk out. When I closed the knife and threw it at Jeff to catch, he said, "Dude, did you just quote a line from Ludacris??" I didn't answer him, and thought about calling my therapist, but then again she reads my blog. What do you think doc??

50 comments:

Oliviasmommi said...

Maybe it is just my empathetic nature, or my motherly instinct, but I just hate the thought of you crying. Quit making me worry about you!

SP said...

I can't believe that Jeff didn't do anything about his dad. Take him with a grain of salt, my ass! That is definitly not a friend you need.

You cried? Awwww. You did the right thing sticking up for Danny's Mom.

CaffeineDiva said...

ok..I haven't posted in a while, so here goes it.
1. I'm glad that you are taking steps to try to control your anger

2. I'm glad I haven't seen you cry because my comforting nature would take over and I would be forced to hold you and tell you to "let it all out... it's gonna be ok"

3. Because I know you, #2 would be bad since I know not more than 5 minutes after that, you would probably turn asshole and do something to piss me off.

4. Good Post! Nothing but love for ya baby!

melette said...

You will be an absolute marshmallow with your kids. Trust me. Maybe you need to start doing some Tantric exercises.

MIZPOWDERPINK said...

There is some serious pain in your heart HC. I'm happy you are getting help. I too have gone to therapy..this funny black ol' school psychologist. I couldn't understand why I was always getting into fights. I learned that my anger comes from the lack of protection I felt as a child. My parents and my older sister were peace makers. I never really seen them hold anyone accountable for shitin on them...I always had a problem with that. So to add balance to my household, I subconsciously became the fighter.

Phewww! I just had a flash back of the leather couch. Anyway, good post and i wish you the best in your discovery.

Anonymous said...

Geez! I too must have anger
issues because in both of
these instances I found your
behavior only a tad over the
top, but for the most part
perfectly understandable
and they gave me my best
laughs of the day, so far.
You go boy! But keep knocking
on that therapist's door.:)
She sounds pretty cool, btw.

brooklyn babe said...

Sup Puddin'
Its sucks when we let emotions rule us, instead of us ruling them, they become our master, I'm glad your working on freeing yourself.... because that kind of emotional slavery, can leave you so drained at the end of the day.
(Hence why we drink huh.... PEACE)
-Playing Catch Up
Bk Babe

Proactiff said...

I've been told I have "anger" issues. It doesn't affect the raising of my kids, BUT, I can see a lot of the "temper-nut" that has fallen from the tree. My husband. I'm already praying for the Pop Warner league people, parents and players...

totolehero said...

sweety.. i think you need Christ in your life.. (and i don't mean to join Bush's church, cuz i don't know what kind of doctrine they teach there) but you need some sort of supernatural power (well.. the stories you told in this post, i might've hurt someone as well...)

but overall, i'm glad that you're seeing someone and being proactive about your issues and problems..

you're on the way to become a great dad... i'm not worried..

ManNMotion said...

You need to talk to your therapist about you quoting lines from Ludacris. I'm very concerned about that.

E_1979 said...

what the fugg wrong with you .... I in one way respect your openess... but I simply have no way of empathizing with such constant and uncontrollable rage.........the constant attack mode....the world is not a war zone......there is a war in iraq.. maybe ... what's the cut off for signing up ... but you might be one of the soldiers kililng iraq folk for sport laughing while smoking a cigarette........ you probally don't smoke but don't mess up my visual on this one.

I am Jack said...

You are a excellent writer, and your openess is refreshing..

Anonymous said...

great post man, can I hire you as a bodyguard???
LOL

kev fan said...

I would have beaten that old man's ass too.

Bob Smith said...

Wow that us some visual writing right there. You are talented.

DUKE OF FLUKE said...

You really need to chill out man. I have a joint to smoke with you-what do you say?

Mistachuck @ Yahoo said...

dope post. Congrats on the awards man..good job.

Cesarea said...

Those are some major issues you have there, but I'm not going to start lying to you, Ihave some of the same issues.

Blackstar said...

You should have beat the shit out of that dude's dad. I'm glad that you didn't cut him though.

Indigo Blue said...

I am SO excited that you're doing therapy!!!

Keep up the good work! And remember, don't get discouraged if you're not "perfect" overnight. Changing our reactions and behavior takes time and practice. Every little step is a step in the right direction and the important thing is you're moving in the right direction. Eventually it's going to show.

Don't give up!

It's a courageous journey that will help you free yourself from those outdated, less than helpful patterns. Just think of what you'll be capable of when you re-channel all of that powerful energy? You'll be a force to be reckoned with - that's for sure! I'm so friggin proud of you.

AND you're willing to share it with us! How cool is that?!

As always,

You rock.

Jdid said...

ok man well at least you are trying. jeff's dad incident you couldnt help it but the other two well maybe in time

Leesa said...

You know, I googled "horse seaman" and I got your blog. Talk about serendipity! I misspelled semen and got your site.

"Build a man a fire and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire and he'll be warm for the rest of his life."
- Terry Pratchett

radnuw said...

Say dude.. your crazy ass fuck.. But I enjoy your blog. Excellent writer.. I hope you don't own a pistol.. it could get you in trouble.

P.E.A.C.E

courtneyelizabeth said...

beat him with a stick...beat him with a pole

slippery_when _wet said...

'and what if my anger transfers over to how I deal with my kids?'

im afraid to have kids for the simple reason that having a very violent mother myself my fear is i'd simply end up like her. Even more so i do not want a daughter. I dont have any kind of mother daughter realationship to look up to simply cause we never shared one. I kept wishing she would die. And then she did.
----
Enjoyed reading your post !

Amanda said...

If I wasn't already married, I think I would be in love with you. =Þ

GC (God's Child) said...

have you considered a fence?

Neil said...

Powerful stuff. Your writing is great.

One question -- how much does this therapist cost you? She lets you call her up on the phone?! When I was seeing my therapist, I once ran into her at the California Pizza Kitchen -- and she looked the other way. During the next session, she told me that for her to be a "professional," she could have no contact with any of patients anywhere other than the hour in her office. Gradually I began realizing this this woman was more screwed up than I was and left her. The next day, she called me up, practically begging me to come back. Shrinks definitely can be weird!

LizzieDaisy said...

Hey, I just got back from seeing my own pdoc. I don't have her phone number though... that's some killer trust she has there.

Talk about a great post (thanks for commenting on my own blog)... actually, I just killed about a half hour on your site. Good to hear a different perspective than what I'm used to, and it holds a lot more meaning coming from someone who obviously has no problem with honesty. Keep up the great work.

Sankofa said...

I'm proud of you Papi. But u already know that.

Chele said...

If seeing a therapist works for you, then it's a good thing.

Anger has it's place, we just have to figure out what place it has and how to wield it to our advantage.

I don't condone violence or spitefullness, but in MHO your problem isn't all about anger issues. You have run across some people and situations that would have Mother Teresa throat chopping suckas.

And for the record.....quit calling yourself an asshole. In our self-talk, things we speak into existence become self-fulfilling prophecy; Good and bad.

You are compassionate and courageous.

lady in satin said...

Very entertaining and funny. I love reading your blog!

=)

Me said...

excellent post....

feels good b n FREE said...

yes!!!
i needed that tonite.
thanx 4 entertainin me humanity...

msjaim said...

Hmmmm, anger issues-Who would have though HC had anger issues..rotfl, but really,I think most ppl have them but to just different degrees.. .me, Im as sweet as cherry pie- till im crossed then imma get you.
Good to see more back folks are getting "help" these days.
My temper isnt the best.. My father being a vietnam vet has always made me comfy being around guns and offered to "get" me one since I dont co-habitate w/ anyone-I declined...Im not catchin no case :)... Congrats on the awards man, I luv ur blog!

josie said...

i wish i had some anger problems. i am tired of swallowing everything that i got to say.

Nia said...

Ok, the neighbor thing was perhaps a bit much. The whole defending a woman's honor thing was honorable but with questionable methods. But clearly...the racist father deserved every bit of that.

Sparkling said...

Some friends are just not worth keeping, and some neighbours are best fenced off.

souffle said...

HLOL!! *dead* I'm supposed to say wise things aout how you should control your anger byut duuuuuuuuude!!! you is MAD CRAZY!!!! the neighbors grass bizniz is crazy!
PS: Congratulations on the awards you crazy ass individual(for lack of a better word) ;)

SirTalksALot said...

Glad the therapy's helping....but that story about cutting the hair off the old guy is hilarious. You should have shoved it in his mouth and made him swallow it.

BTW, thanks for stopping by my site!

Ddot the King said...

Hey this is a really nice blog. Thanks for stopping by MY KINGDOM!

Yolanda said...

Is your therapist accepting patients via phone? I think I'm in need of help because I love this shit. LMAO

I woulda been pissed too if someone kept mowing my lawn lower than I do. There's a problem with that shit. For one, when I had a lawn, I was obsessed with it.

My shit looked better than anybody's in the neighborhood. Secondly, grass cut too low looks fucked and becomes unhealthy. And Yolanda does not do unhealthy lawns. *ahem* I did say I need a therapist, right? hehehe

And, oh, when you quoted the Ludacris line and he asked you about it. Too damn funny!

Logan said...

I shall now live my life vicariously through you.

Anonymous said...

great writing, your honesty is incredible. And funny too. Your shrink is so on to your act, she's cool. Thanks.

SeaKitty said...

i think you wait too long to express yourself. i think you need to say something as soon as it makes you flinch...not waiting and waiting and waiting until it becomes something uncontainable.

keep seeing the shrink. and don't hurt her. she can probably afford a better lawyer than you can.

Brotha Buck said...

Lol...courtship cliff notes. I didn't discover cliff notes until it was too late

Brown Shuga said...

Man....one. I hope your ass does NOT own a gun. Woowee! The way your ass flips out, you'd be liable to use it. *smh*
I once tried the therapist thing out. I didn't find it beneficial. I guess I just wasn't open to receiving treatment or whatever. I don't know. I felt like I could do the same thing talking to one of my friends and get the same damn results. Who knows? Perhaps I should have shopped around.

TeeBee said...

Dude, I never really considered myself to be an angry person until I got the the part about the lady at the store. It reminded me of one of my grocery store outbursts from my high school days.

smallislandgirl said...

found you thru jdid great blog had me in tears lauging not crying.

Anonymous said...

Since I was introduced to your blog earlier this week, I have been checking back daily. You have me hooked on your halirous visually descriptive tales that have me lol whether at work or at home.

I can not count the times when I too have had to go off on people at stores. I am as tactful as I can be and I will complain to a manager in a nanosecond on the grounds of disrespect. I feel that bad service and disrespect is too acceptable nowdays. The only way to change it is too speak on it to the people who can change it ie..managers. ( I will also give positive feedback the managers too. So that maybe they will make an effort to keep the good employees.)

Sorry I was so long-winded!!!

I really like your blog!!!


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