Hip Hop thought of the day: "Gangsta rappers, you can do better!!"

Ever since Hip Hop started, street poets inundated us with elaborate tales of limousine rides and the ability to throw money out of car window's if they wanted, verses that we knew even back then were laced with nothing but fictitious braggadocio. That was cool. As time went on we heard microphone wielders wax poetic over a track about the trappings of being caught in the drug game, shoot outs from high powered rifles that made their victims look like JFK in the Zepruder film, and cryptic jail stories ending up with their self made shank that they spent a better part of a week sharpening in the corner of their cell after lights out penetrating the liver of a gentleman who wanted to penetrate more than just his liver. That was cool too, as long as that MC could spit so masterfully that he could make a kid from the suburbs of Virginia Beach, Virginia feel like he was a hunter in that concrete jungle, only equipped with a pistol, a hoody, and a rat pack of tyrants that would take a bullet in the face for me. Sure that wasn't the most positive music, but I never bought into the music affecting "impressionable minds", because I'll bet you dollars to donuts that if a motherfucker felt compelled to do something violent because of a Hip Hop record, chances are his glass licking ass was going to do that anyway.

But when you see a group like the Clipse, (an act that many people that I know sing the praises of along with southern acts like lil Jiggabo or Young Sambo just to show their musical diversity, and they have the audacity to collectively untuck their cocks and laughably bash Nas' album like its an affront to god), not only champion a lengthy history of drug dealing and criminality that I know for a fact is 100% sheep shit(We're from the same town), but they also lack the verbal dexterity and overall mic skills to at least make it interesting for me. Let me not just target the Clipse here, the whole landscape of "gangsta rap" has been unbearable to me, sure its negative, but mostly because the street tales coming from the rappers of today seem as imaginative as a break-dance routine choreographed by Stephen Hawking. So if I may, let me suggest some ideas that would make your bullshit at least some interesting, creative bullshit.

Getting your hands dirty: I don't know anything about the disposing of a body, so a song that gave me some blow by blow instructions would be helpful if I ever had any mishaps involving a dead hooker in my hotel room in the future. A verse detailing how your senile grandmother once mistakenly thought that the the frozen torso of one of your enemies was a side of beef, and how you were within minutes of having an Italian guy as part of your grandma's delicious gumbo. Hell, even tell me that your favorite movie is "Snatch", not because the brilliant acting of Brat Pitt, but because that was the movie that gave you the idea of disposing unwanted bodies by feeding them to hungry pigs.

Real "hood" conflict: How about the internal struggles that come from being a heartless killer? Talk about how the face of your best friends mother breaks you out in cold sweats and haunts your dreams every night, based on the fact that you were forced to kill her execution style because she was in the wrong place and witnessed you committing a murder. Even though she plead with you, begged that she wouldn't say anything to the police, and reminded you that she helped raise you as if you were one of her own, you still tearfully held that firearm to her head as you whispered "I'm so sorry about this!!" before pulling that trigger that seemed like it took a ton of force to fire. Oh yeah, I guess it would be interesting as well for you to go into how you are still best friends with her son, and every third conversation that you initiate is of the "We are going to get those bastards who killed your mother!!" variety.

The Crazier the better: I must say that the drug tales that gangsta rappers usually inundated us with are boring as hell, I have a couple of ideas for you. Talk about that time you wanted to be more proactive in your drug distribution business and decided to cut drugs with your lowly employees, a problem arose when you accidentally lacerated your hand, and the effects of the drugs in your bloodstream caused you to wig out something fierce. The next thing you know you woke up in a mound of drugs and deceased topless employees as far as the eye could see. Or you could talk about those two drug mules you used to transport drugs across the border, two women with not only digested dope in their bodies in rubber tubes, but they also had drugs crammed in a few hidden orifices as well. So when those two women are killed in a horrible bus accident, break down in rhyme form how you had to steal the bodies for the morgue, and the messiness that ensued because of the impromptu autopsy you performed and the fact that you aren't a trained professional.. See, those tales are something that I could nod my head to.