Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Another Edition of "HumanityCritic's Asshole moments"


One of the main reasons why I love HBO's "Curb Your Enthusiasm" so much is because I can completely sympathize with Larry David, I too spend an inordinate amount of time apologizing to people. Whether I'm asking for forgiveness from my lesbian friend after I said that her lover looked like "Jim Brown in his playing days", or me purposely using terms like "cuts like a knife" and "lets take a stab at it" when talking to a friend of mine who was once on the business end of kitchen cutlery via an irate girlfriend - I'm pretty sure if I was a secret agent in one of those James Bond movies my codename would either be "Insufferable prick" or "consummate asshole". This is going to sound like a bit of hyperbole, a literary attempt to drive home the point on how detestable I can be - but I find myself literally turning my head in public places whenever I hear the word "asshole" like it was my government name. Maybe that has something to do with my mother, any time she is talking to one of her friends about her kids and said confidant on the other end of the line is unaware of which offspring she is talking about - she clears the matter up immediate by saying "The asshole". Or maybe its my fathers fault, a man that verbally bullied my entire family and told me on more than one occasion that I'd never amount to nothing - one day as a teenager, after I mercilessly mocked him all day he threw down the hammer he was using and screamed "You are such a fucking asshole!!", before storming away like a petulant child. I can't call it, here are some recent examples of why I turn my head whenever I hear the word "asshole"

McDonald's Drive-in: I don't know about all the other males out there who have the utmost hetero street cred, but whenever a woman crosses my path with an ass that guarantees that she's not a PETA member - it completely paralyzes me. I don't care if I was giving a dying man CPR, giving a choking child the Heimlich, explaining to a cop with an itchy trigger finger that the gun in my glove compartment is completely legal - if some fine specimen with a backyard so juicy that companies use her butt-cheeks for swimming pool molds, I'm stopping whatever I'm doing and recording the clip in my head for future masturbatory material. That being said, while I was waiting for my artery clogging burger and fries, a chick with an backside that ass-worshipers the world over would at least travel to once in their lives like Mecca passed in front of my car. I didn't scream anything out of my car, I'm not a complete savage - but I did turn to the guy handing me my food and said: "Jesus Christ man, the things that I would eat out of her ass - I'm sure that sweet ass would smother you while in the 69 position, but I bet dying never felt so good. You're a guy so you'll clearly understand me when I say that I would make her ass look like a negro glazed doughnut." Most men wouldn't get offended by my remarks, outside of christian fundamentalists and flaming gay men posing as christian fundamentalists like Ted Haggard - but since the woman I verbally desecrated happened to be the cashiers girlfriend, I had my food basically thrown at me. I should have just apologized and left, but before I pulled off I said: "Shit man, since you're flipping burgers I should go in there and steal here from you - granted, I'm a degenerate pre-ejaculator but at least she'd be upgrading"

The Oxygen tank: Last week, after me and my homeboy hit up one those horrific after-hours clubs where coked out whores dwell and they play nothing but murder inducing house music - we decided to hit up Denny's to soak up all the malted hops and grain alcohol in our system, despite the restaurant's shameful history when it comes to overt racism. As we sat there and had a drunk conversation about who would be a better lay, Wonder Woman or Bat Girl - a beautiful woman that knows my homeboy came and sat with us, so obviously the conversation switched to something more suitable like "What kind of incurable diseases are running through Superhead's blood stream". A few minutes later I noticed an older black man with an oxygen tank talking greasy about me and my boy in muted tones, claiming the both of us were both "Uneducated" and "Hoodlums" - it made me feel that we had inadvertently pissed off Bill Cosby or something. That's when the woman we were sitting with informed me that the gentleman was probably upset because before we walked in he was laying his strongest geriatric game on her. A few minutes passed, and for a hyperactive overreactor like myself I was proud that I was able to ignore a multitude of random slanders and cryptic threats of violence from a man old enough to be my father - but before long I was forced to confront the gentleman who probably rolled with Muddy Waters when he was younger. I tried to be nice to the old fella, very politely telling him that he didn't know my friend and I, and that I didn't want any problems - but the gentleman was having none of my new found civility, and proceeded to shower me with Uncle Ruckus-like, self-hating insults that would make any republican proud. That's when I pulled out my pocket knife, held it to one of his oxygen tubes - and told him that if he didn't dial down his rhetoric that he'd have to find an alternative way to get more oxygen. He begged me not cut his lifeline and said that he planned to leave immediately anyway, so I got up and for some reason passionately proclaimed "Crazy wins every time motherfucker!!" - before walking back to my table amongst horrified onlookers.

Horrible reasons for not dating interracially: Most of my political stances have less to do with morality and more to do with people overall minding their fucking business - what do I care if two people of the same sex want to get married, why should I obsess over what a woman wants to do with her own body? I never tripped over interracial dating either, not because I pray to the alter of white women like NBA athletes - but because people should be with whomever they please without getting publicly fucked with. Granted, I've always found it quite ironic whenever I'd receive a handful of hateful looks from black women if I even happen to innocently chat a white women up briefly - but those same black women probably wouldn't piss on my black ass people were lighting their cigarettes to my charred remains. That being said, as of this date I'm currently a virgin to Caucasian genitalia - but that has nothing to do with race, it just hasn't happened. Besides, I still contend that if I ever get the chance to date Janeane Garofalo - I will proudly show her off at Afrocentric poetry slams, Essence Magazine music festivals, even at a Nation of Islam meeting with my arm arrogantly draped around her. But the other day something escaped my hairy mandible that shocked even me, this is what I said to a white woman at a bar who pressed the issue as to why I wouldn't date her:

Woman: Seriously, no bullshit, why can't you date me?
Me: Simply put, because you are the human embodiment of an argument killer - let me explain.
Woman: Yes please, Explain
Me: See, I'd have no problem dating you because of your skin color - I'm the type of person that feels that love knows no bounds, I'd could see a life of wedded bliss consisting of me wondering why you don't use a wash cloth and you feeling that I crush any type of black man "myth"
Woman: That's touching, now explain that "argument killer" thing
Me: Well, if I ever find myself being a respected member of society, one whose opinions are cherished when it comes to issues concerning the black community...
Woman: Yeah, Yeah - get to it!!
Me: Ok, I'd find it difficult to talk about any issues issues dealing with black people - varying from bettering the community to the empowerment of young black women because..
Woman: Because what?
Me: ..because someone could always cut my argument off at the knees and counter with a razor sharp "Yeah, but you're married to a white girl!" -(blowing cigarette smoke out while shaking my head) there just isn't any comimg back from that!
Woman:(Grabbing her coat) You're such a fucking asshole!!

6 comments:

jameil1922 said...

i don't understand why the white girl was mad at your argument killer theory. its true. that would be the first thing out of the mouth of 95% of black people. clarence thomas would cut you some slack.

Anonymous said...

"clarence thomas would cut you some slack." Sheeeet. He would write the foreword for you book.

Lady Chavez and Fluffgirl said...

Has anyone ever told you that you're basically the black version of Ignatius in "A Confederacy of Dunces", except it sounds like you actually get ass now and again
-so Asians are cool but not white girls?!
...yeah I guess its different

Ill Mami said...

Yes, Lady Chavez & Fluffgirl. Asians are different than White girls. Why? Because White folks were our slavemasters. Period. End of story. And, yes, I have dated a white man. And, no, I would never marry one. For the reason Humanity Critic cited above. It's just that simple.

Rose said...

You are right! If you want to do anything to help or inspire the black community or any other community, they would definitely cut you off from the knees. I had a friend who was supposely a militant. He was running around fighting for rights for the black man. He was in the papers, everybody respected him, then he married a young 19 year old white girl, he was 32. Needless to say they ran him out of town. I haven't heard a peek from him since.

I do believe that you fall in love with who ever you want too, love have no boundaries. What I don't like is a black men who seek a white woman to feel superior, better than. He doesn't love her. He loves what he thinks being with her means. To me he is the absolutely worse there is.

Lola Gets said...

I dont use a washcloth either, lol.
L