Thursday, October 25, 2007

A Song from the "Ransom Crates" (see: disgruntled ex-girlfriend)

As much as I'd like to be in a committed and loving relationship, one where we finish each other sentences during conversations and she excitedly gets a few punches in while I pummel some asshole at a bar - the sad truth of the matter is that I'm probably going to die an old and lonely old man, my only companions being an overfed lap dog and women a quarter of my age that I pay top dollar to nervously thrust on top of while they do other things like their nails or talk on their cell phone. Don't pity me though, the outcome of my life is entirely my own doing - I'm emotionally unavailable and as romantic as a prison rape, not to mention my sporadic unexplained bouts of wanting to be left the fuck alone. Said behavior has prompted one woman to send her male relatives over to my residence for the sole purpose of snatching me from the mortal coil, another young lady once tried to poison me like we were in a fucking spy movie - but usually they try to sully my good name by spreading felonious abuse and disease claims, never fully understanding that you can't tarnish the name of a guy who once punched a priest and got laid at someones wake.

That being said, there was an ex-girlfriend who exacted the type of revenge on me that forced me to do nothing but tip my proverbial hat to her - she had been holding a few of my record crates for ransom over the last 6 year period. First I politely asked for them, when that didn't work I planned an elaborate plot to infiltrate her evil fortress and retrieve my belongings whike weaing a ninja outfit(but her living in a gated community and her trusty pit-bull was sort of problematic) - I even resorted to telling all of her out of work family members that I'd pay them handsomely if they retrieved my property for me. But as time passed I just figured that she had destroyed my vinyl on some Lily Allen shit and kept it moving - until I came home last week with my crates on the porch with the following note attached:

"Dear Asshole, there were so many times that I wanted to send you these records in a million fucking pieces, payback for you punching my brother in the throat and sleeping with my cousin. But I'm getting married now and my therapist told me that I should return these as a symbol of me starting over - besides, there are some classics in here, I couldn't destroy these because simply put the punishment doesn't fit the crime. Bye fucker!!"

So every so often I will post one of the tracks from what I'm calling the "ransom crates" - the first selection being Organized Konfusion's "Bring it on"(Buckwild Remix) Jesus Christ, Prince Po does his thing but Pharoahe absolutely kills it.


The Bear Maiden said...

Well, damn! What the f*ck did you do to her!? LOL.

ill Mami said...

I think you may the male version of me.

Anonymous said...

You won't be alone...promise.

You'll always find some way to snag some internet patch...LMAO