Wednesday, March 09, 2005

HumanityCritic and his run-ins with THE LAW

In all my 31 years I consider myself fortunate that I have maintained a squeaky clean criminal record. In no way am I bragging about that since a person shouldn't have a record to begin with, but I feel lucky because I have done some things that probably should have had my butt put in jail. I don't mean city jail, but "try not to become anyone's bitch and keep my soap tied around my neck" jail.

Avenging a friend: I have a friend named Mark who has to be the nicest guy in the world, and truly a gentle soul. Have you ever had a friend that you never had a argument with, a friend that wouldn't hurt a fly? OK, that's Mark. So you can understand my extreme anger when I found out that this douchebag named Terry had pulled a gun on Mark. Apparently Terry said it was all a joke, but maybe it's me but I don't find being in front of a 357 Magnum as "humorous". Looking back, I'm embarrassed to say, I actively began looking for Terry. One night I saw him in a club that I used to go to. I step to him and say, "How in the fuck are you going to pull a gun on Mark you bitch ass motherfucker?" He gave me a mean look and said, with a fake New York accent(the guy lived in New York for a year and all of a sudden he is "representing Brooklyn", fronting jackass) "I know you ain't trying to step to me Critic, if you don't step off I..." Before he can finish his sentence I chop him in the throat and say, "Shut the fuck up!" As Terry is hunched over grasping for air I bend down beside him and say, "That shit looked like it hurt, it sucks to be you right now. Don't fuck with Mark anymore, OK tough guy" What I didn't know is that some cops were working the club that night and they rushed me, put handcuffs on me, and hauled me to a cop car. While I am in the backseat of the cop car I noticed that we were driving for about half an hour. Fearing that they were going to take me somewhere and kill me, or try to anally penetrate me, I clinch my buttcheeks and say, "Where in the fuck are we going?" The cops inform me that they won't arrest me, that they hate Terry because he is a known drug dealer, and that they wanted to make my "arrest" look believable. That is the first time where I enjoyed being in the presence of police officers.

I rock spots like a Crackhouse: I used to be cool with a drug dealer named Paul. I knew better than to hang with him but I was young and foolish. He wanted to hang out one night so we went down to the beach to meet some girls. Before that Paul informs me that he has to stop by his friends house, which I thought seemed completely harmless. As I sit on the couch of this unfamiliar apartment I get a strange feeling, and I smell a awful burning smell coming from upstairs. All of a sudden it hits me, "I'm in a motherfucking crackhouse!!" I quickly go outside and prepare myself to curse Paul the fuck out because I am pretty sure that Paul was a crackhead.. All of a sudden Paul gets thrown out the door, maybe by a customer that didn't want to pay. I start to help Paul out but the guy takes off. Here I am, chasing some guy down the strip on a crowded Friday night. I had no beef with him but my anger was fueled by the mere fact that his ass had me running over 10 blocks. I tackle him, kick him, and right when I'm about to hit him cops grab me. It seems that I had tackled this crackfein in front of the beach police station, how stupid. Good thing is nothing really happened, and the cops let me go after a while.

Let it flow: Another beach story. At one time, when hanging at the Oceanfront in Virginia Beach Va, there was absolutely no place to urinate after 2 AM. So I decided to relieve myself behind a Bush, where I thought I was totally secluded. I was wrong, as a female officer tapped me on my shoulder mid-stream. She said, "Aren't you going to stop?" I replied, "Hell naw, I'm already caught and I had like 10 beers. You can shake it when I'm finished though." I learned quickly that you don't say that shit to a female cop, and after I was finished she threw me against her cop car. I kind of liked it though, but that's just me. Again, cuffs were applied but at the end of the day I just got a ticket. From that point on it is my fantasy to have a woman dress in a police uniform.

Slow Down: I was at a party near my house where I got totally inebriated. I knew that I shouldn't of been driving, but since my house was like 3 miles away I decided to risk it.(Don't drink and drive, please!) Apparently I had a lead foot because when the officer pulled me over he informed me that I was doing 85 in a 45. I am certain that the cop knew I was drunk, but possibly let me go with a reckless driving ticket because I was about a few blocks from my house. Since that cop gave me a break the last thing he would expect would be for me to fight the ticket, but I got the best lawyer money could buy. When he saw me in court with legal representation I could see his anger, but fuck him because who wants a reckless driving charge on their record and insurance? The first time I lost, and I was going to just pay it and call it a day. But my lawyer, Bill Maclanon told me that I should "fight for your rights brother, show them that they can't hold a brother down." Which made me giggle because a) I knew he wanted another 500+ dollars from me and b)My lawyer is a 70 year old white guy. We go back to court with a few aces in my pocket. Not only did I bribe a mechanic to write a written form saying that my speedometer was off by 35 miles an hour, but when we walked in my lawyer got the utmost respect from the judge and the other lawyers. "It's good to see you Bill" they said and I knew I had this in the bag. The judge ruled "not guilty" and I looked over at the cop and steam was coming from his scalp. Dressed in a overpriced suit I looked at the cop, put a toothpick in my mouth, and gave him a quick wink. It was definitely my "John Gotti" moment.

Saving a republicans ass: The last time I had cuffs on me was about the same time that me and my childhood friend had reconnected after not seeing each other for 8 years. My friend Danny had called me and said that he was drunk, he needed a ride home, and about 5 guys wanted to beat his ass. I rush over right before Danny became a human punching bag. The cops must have been called because as soon as I squared up to punch a dude the cops showed up. They hauled a few of us in the cop car, but the funny thing was all of the guys in the cop car that got arrested with me were telling the cops that I was innocent. At the end of the day I was released without anything on my record, so I was lucky. But when we first got to the police station one of the officers wanted to beat me with his nightstick. Why did he want to beat me you ask, here are a few reasons:

1. When I was in the backseat of the cop car I kept saying, "I smell bacon!! I smell bacon!!" I was inebriated by that point so my judgment was off.
2. I kept quoting Robert DeNiro in "The Untouchables" when he said, "You're nothing but a gun and a badge! You're nothing but a gun and a badge!"
3. I started singing that KRS One song.. "When they arrest a black man, they need 30 cops or mooooore well now!
4. Along with a whole bunch of other songs dedicated to cops. "Black Cop", "The sound of the police", and "Fuck the police"

26 comments:

summer m. said...

of course YOU'DA been pissing and a female cop catches. only you. i swear.

GeckoGirl said...

Okay, you are a mess. LOL. I'm truly surprised your record is clean after all that :-)

Belle said...

LMAO because Paul was getting high off his own supply and got kicked out of the crackhouse. Also, you KNOW you can't play down at the beach...cops for days down there.

Lene said...

I love how you chopped the dude in his throat. you are soo fearless in these situations, I don't know where you get the courage... oh wait.. you have "liquid" courage. lol

Jdid said...

ha ha ha, singing anti-cop songs in the back of the cop car, hilarious.

Luke Cage said...

Dude...singing anti-police songs while in cuffs in the back of a squad car? In the words of Dave Chappelle, "That is Colllldblooded!" Your atoms apple chop to the drug dealer was on point!

notyouraverage.... said...

"Hell naw, I'm already caught and I had like 10 beers. You can shake it when I'm finished though." nah you didn't! you're are truly 'blessed'!

Natty said...

Too funny!
Wonder why the female cop didn't take you up on your offer...
You got "cahunas" all right!

Tha G Perspective said...

Damn bruh! You be skating on some thin ice. Do you wanna shake it for me? I wanna be the critic in my next life. You're like your own Tyler Durden.

E to the dwige said...

dude! You're lucky..I've never been to VA Beach and is it really that gully?

MiniMee said...

LMAO @ this whole post... especially you chopping homie in the throat... I am cracking up at that!!! And then chasing dope fiends for blocks??? LOL. Man. I can't take it.

gonebabygone said...

oy! oy! Humanity Critic! Don't you know what a crack house looks like!? Maybe they are less obvious in your state! ;-)

Tip: Don't break into "I shot the Sheriff" That will get you put in jail.

Fran said...

LMBO!! Oh my, you are a dang riot ya know that. You got me with that whole "putting a toothpick in my mouth and winking" part. You are too cute..:D

Sasu...aka Balsera said...

Middle finger to the LAW...really...But you are a bonafide FIRESTATER with martyar like tendancies.
P/S i may be crying WOLF pretty soon...thanks for the looking out.

lindsay-lee said...

LMAO!!! That's was to funny! Can you brush off some of your luck for me?

kashata said...

LMAO! i see someone likes to live dangerously

greggy said...

LMBAO!!! @ "I smell bacon! I smell bacon!!!" Frinking hilarious! Yeah, I agree with Fishy, singing "I Shot the Sheriff" then would've definitely given you a police beating...lol

jirzygurl said...

okay 1) who the EFF chops somebody in the neck??? That is hilarious in and of itself
2) why oh why must you talk shit to everyone?!?
3)I would have PHUCKED somebody up for taking me to a crackhouse.. that shit is uncalled for so I feel your anger on that one... although my chubby ass would have stopped running oh at about half a block but I still feel you!

Miki said...

I would have to put a beat down on someone who took me to a crackhouse. That's just wrong.

And if you were ever arrested in Tampa, they would have personally introduced you to the hurting end of the nightstick if you were saying "I smell bacon" in the back seat.

And as usual a GREAT post. Again you had me laughing my ass off. I bet you are a trip to hang out with.

Don Tate II said...

Thanks for visiting.
Your entry today brought back some memories! I've never been arrested or in jail either, but once I was picked up by a black, female officer for an unpaid, fishing without a license ticket. She didn't cuff me, and she held me in her office pretending to do some paperwork until my wife showed up to pay the ticket. It was humiliating none the less.

Danja said...

"I smell bacon, I smell bacon"

I have to take a deep breath with this one because I am laughing hysterically. I have had a number of cops try to talk to me and I'll be like *sniff sniff...i cant stand the smell of bacon* and they get all mad and stuff.

I hate pigs lol

But you were killing me with the stories. Glad you made it out ok. You got lucky. Some brothas ended up with 41 bullets or plungers in their asses...

Safire said...

You definitely have an angel on your shoulder 'cause my dude got mased and beat down in his own driveway for trespassing. You better pour some of that beer you swill out as libations to the ancestors for watching over that ass, for real. 'Cause you're one lucky summamabitch.

Dayrell said...

LOL! Dang you sure have had one hell of a rush with the law! And you say you STILL have a clean record after going through all that to?!! Haha! You should write a book man. :)

Your story about the crack house reminded me of one of Dave Chappelle's stand up jokes...you know the one about his driver picking him up in the limo after one of his shows one night, and after getting a "let's who ride" call from one of his friends on his celly, hangs up, then tells Dave he needs to make a stop right quick...and takes Dave to a crackhouse/pro-jects w/o him knowing where the hell he was going, and parks him RIGHT in front of that sucka, alone, at like 2 am in the morning, while he goes to "handle some business"?...lol.

August said...

Did you really say: "You can shake it when I'm finished though." And who else, but you, would rap anti-police songs in the back of a squad car. No only are they anti-police, it's RAP! Man, I got a huge laugh off this one, but question: do you fall on your knees after you post stuff like this and thank God? I mean, Diallo was killed over reaching for his wallet and here you are having a one-man protest in hand-cuffs! Anyway, your blog is awesome.

plotty said...

u are a gotdamn fool! LOL

Schatzi said...

I'm dying at the female cop situation. You are a fool for real.