In all my 31 years I consider myself fortunate that I have maintained a squeaky clean criminal record. In no way am I bragging about that since a person shouldn't have a record to begin with, but I feel lucky because I have done some things that probably should have had my butt put in jail. I don't mean city jail, but "try not to become anyone's bitch and keep my soap tied around my neck" jail.
Avenging a friend: I have a friend named Mark who has to be the nicest guy in the world, and truly a gentle soul. Have you ever had a friend that you never had a argument with, a friend that wouldn't hurt a fly? OK, that's Mark. So you can understand my extreme anger when I found out that this douchebag named Terry had pulled a gun on Mark. Apparently Terry said it was all a joke, but maybe it's me but I don't find being in front of a 357 Magnum as "humorous". Looking back, I'm embarrassed to say, I actively began looking for Terry. One night I saw him in a club that I used to go to. I step to him and say, "How in the fuck are you going to pull a gun on Mark you bitch ass motherfucker?" He gave me a mean look and said, with a fake New York accent(the guy lived in New York for a year and all of a sudden he is "representing Brooklyn", fronting jackass) "I know you ain't trying to step to me Critic, if you don't step off I..." Before he can finish his sentence I chop him in the throat and say, "Shut the fuck up!" As Terry is hunched over grasping for air I bend down beside him and say, "That shit looked like it hurt, it sucks to be you right now. Don't fuck with Mark anymore, OK tough guy" What I didn't know is that some cops were working the club that night and they rushed me, put handcuffs on me, and hauled me to a cop car. While I am in the backseat of the cop car I noticed that we were driving for about half an hour. Fearing that they were going to take me somewhere and kill me, or try to anally penetrate me, I clinch my buttcheeks and say, "Where in the fuck are we going?" The cops inform me that they won't arrest me, that they hate Terry because he is a known drug dealer, and that they wanted to make my "arrest" look believable. That is the first time where I enjoyed being in the presence of police officers.
I rock spots like a Crackhouse: I used to be cool with a drug dealer named Paul. I knew better than to hang with him but I was young and foolish. He wanted to hang out one night so we went down to the beach to meet some girls. Before that Paul informs me that he has to stop by his friends house, which I thought seemed completely harmless. As I sit on the couch of this unfamiliar apartment I get a strange feeling, and I smell a awful burning smell coming from upstairs. All of a sudden it hits me, "I'm in a motherfucking crackhouse!!" I quickly go outside and prepare myself to curse Paul the fuck out because I am pretty sure that Paul was a crackhead.. All of a sudden Paul gets thrown out the door, maybe by a customer that didn't want to pay. I start to help Paul out but the guy takes off. Here I am, chasing some guy down the strip on a crowded Friday night. I had no beef with him but my anger was fueled by the mere fact that his ass had me running over 10 blocks. I tackle him, kick him, and right when I'm about to hit him cops grab me. It seems that I had tackled this crackfein in front of the beach police station, how stupid. Good thing is nothing really happened, and the cops let me go after a while.
Let it flow: Another beach story. At one time, when hanging at the Oceanfront in Virginia Beach Va, there was absolutely no place to urinate after 2 AM. So I decided to relieve myself behind a Bush, where I thought I was totally secluded. I was wrong, as a female officer tapped me on my shoulder mid-stream. She said, "Aren't you going to stop?" I replied, "Hell naw, I'm already caught and I had like 10 beers. You can shake it when I'm finished though." I learned quickly that you don't say that shit to a female cop, and after I was finished she threw me against her cop car. I kind of liked it though, but that's just me. Again, cuffs were applied but at the end of the day I just got a ticket. From that point on it is my fantasy to have a woman dress in a police uniform.
Slow Down: I was at a party near my house where I got totally inebriated. I knew that I shouldn't of been driving, but since my house was like 3 miles away I decided to risk it.(Don't drink and drive, please!) Apparently I had a lead foot because when the officer pulled me over he informed me that I was doing 85 in a 45. I am certain that the cop knew I was drunk, but possibly let me go with a reckless driving ticket because I was about a few blocks from my house. Since that cop gave me a break the last thing he would expect would be for me to fight the ticket, but I got the best lawyer money could buy. When he saw me in court with legal representation I could see his anger, but fuck him because who wants a reckless driving charge on their record and insurance? The first time I lost, and I was going to just pay it and call it a day. But my lawyer, Bill Maclanon told me that I should "fight for your rights brother, show them that they can't hold a brother down." Which made me giggle because a) I knew he wanted another 500+ dollars from me and b)My lawyer is a 70 year old white guy. We go back to court with a few aces in my pocket. Not only did I bribe a mechanic to write a written form saying that my speedometer was off by 35 miles an hour, but when we walked in my lawyer got the utmost respect from the judge and the other lawyers. "It's good to see you Bill" they said and I knew I had this in the bag. The judge ruled "not guilty" and I looked over at the cop and steam was coming from his scalp. Dressed in a overpriced suit I looked at the cop, put a toothpick in my mouth, and gave him a quick wink. It was definitely my "John Gotti" moment.
Saving a republicans ass: The last time I had cuffs on me was about the same time that me and my childhood friend had reconnected after not seeing each other for 8 years. My friend Danny had called me and said that he was drunk, he needed a ride home, and about 5 guys wanted to beat his ass. I rush over right before Danny became a human punching bag. The cops must have been called because as soon as I squared up to punch a dude the cops showed up. They hauled a few of us in the cop car, but the funny thing was all of the guys in the cop car that got arrested with me were telling the cops that I was innocent. At the end of the day I was released without anything on my record, so I was lucky. But when we first got to the police station one of the officers wanted to beat me with his nightstick. Why did he want to beat me you ask, here are a few reasons:
1. When I was in the backseat of the cop car I kept saying, "I smell bacon!! I smell bacon!!" I was inebriated by that point so my judgment was off.
2. I kept quoting Robert DeNiro in "The Untouchables" when he said, "You're nothing but a gun and a badge! You're nothing but a gun and a badge!"
3. I started singing that KRS One song.. "When they arrest a black man, they need 30 cops or mooooore well now!
4. Along with a whole bunch of other songs dedicated to cops. "Black Cop", "The sound of the police", and "Fuck the police"