Maybe I've been watching too much Sci-fi lately, or the years of continuous bong hits are starting to affect me, but I always wondered what your old self would say to your present self. How would your old self feel about the way you turned out, decisions you made, or the overall direction your life took. The following are examples of what the old selves of certain individuals would say to their new selves in the form of a single rant.
Ice Cube(circa 1990) To new self: Damn fool, what have you done to me?? I have read your file and I must say that I'm glad that you are making your paper, but what in the fuck was that kid movie you did a few months back? I was the self proclaimed "N*gga you love to hate", now you got my black ass doing Disney movies and shit? You are fucking up, for real. I was part of one of the most popular rap groups ever, went solo and did my thing with a more political message, and now you are doing songs with a guy named(looking down at the file) "LiL John"? Seems kind of hypocritical for a guy that once proclaimed that "You can new jack swing on my nuts!" Shit, that Lil John makes Teddy Riley look like DJ Premiere motherfucker! Hate to nitpick about the whole "hypocrisy thing", but didn't I once say "Stop giving Juice to the Raiders/Cause Al Davis/Never paid us"?? Now all I see your ass in is Raiders gear, I've become a god-damed walking contradiction. Wasn't I all into the Nation of Islam, bean pies, and chilling with Farrakhan?? What happened to that, or that isn't wise for you to talk about since you went all Hollywood on a brother? You have made some memorable movies, and did some good things, but is there any chance you can focus seriously on our rap career again? I don't mean with that Horrendous "West Side Connection" bullshit! Come on Cube, man up!
Dennis Miller(1992)To new self: Wow, how the mighty have fallen. Look, I've never been the biggest star in the world, but I was a successful comedian who was a star on Saturday Night Live. I also had a respectable weekly talk show on HBO that ran for many years, how did you fuck all that up? It says here that you had a short stint on Monday Night Football. Football?? Who's bright idea was that? When I was on SNL, Farley and Sandler used to give me shit because I threw like a girl when we had work related events, I know squat about sports. What is this shit about you drastically changing your political beliefs and becoming a big George Bush cheerleader?? We always hated that douchebag, what gives? Not to be mean or anything, but your political talk show on CNBC sucks ass. I was once mentioned in the same breath with SNL greats like "Chase", "Belushi", and "Radner". Now I am mentioned in the same breath with the assholes like "Scarborough", "O'Reilly", and some bottom feeder named "Hannity".(Looking around for the person in charge) Can I kill myself, being that I am an earlier version of this prick, and stop this career debacle from happening? Look dude, even though your cinematic high point is "Bordello of Blood", that doesn't mean that you should pack it in and fuck our career up.
Bobby Brown(circa "Don't Be Cruel")To new self: Yooo! I know that I have always been a wild man, doing whatever I want, but I'm a fucking crackhead? Not only was I part of a popular teen group, then breaking out on my own being adored by women the world over, now I am simply known as Mr. Houston? How degrading. Current Bobby, why is the file that I'm holding have nothing but a shitload of mugshots in it? Have you lost your fucking mind? Also, why is it that the last hit we had was during the Bush administration, not "W" but his sorry ass daddy. You are a fucking embarrassment, and coming from me that is saying something. Cocaine, heroin, alcohol, you are a walking lab experiment man! I saw that "Behind the Music" special recently and I have to ask you this pressing question: What in the fuck have you done to my bottom lip?? Did we have a stroke or something? Man, this shit is depressing so I'm about to bounce. Shit, while you shoot up that lethal dose of Heroin between your toes, I will be backstage with a couple of hot groupies, knowing that in 16 years I am going to be a bona fide loser.
George W. Bush(1974)To new self: Run this by me again, I become president of the United States? No fucking way!! Is America stupid enough to elect a alcoholic coke head, who was also a C student at Yale to the presidency of the United States? Man, the country must really had a lapse of judgment to elect me to anything(sniffing cocaine off of a small mirror). It says here that your people made a war hero named John Kerry look like a coward during my presidential run in 2004. Didn't people know that we ran like a coward in 1973 and used my father's influence so I could get out of Vietnam, the mere fact that my people were able to paint a true blue vet as weak is amazing! People always said that our brother Jeb was the one that was destined for the White House, not me. (Taking a shot of Yeager, looking at file) What is this shit about our daughters being drunken whores? That ain't cool man. Besides the fact that you ignored terrorist warnings pre 911, invaded a country illegally, and turned record surplus' into a record deficit, who cares I become president! Yee-Haw!
HumanityCritic(1991)To new self: (shaking head) Look at you motherfucker, what have you done to my body?? I once had a six pack that people could wash clothes on, now it looks like your ass stays handcuffed to the buffet table! Chubby bastard! No wife, no kids, what in the fuck is wrong with you? I was reading through your file and it says that not only can't you maintain a relationship, but you have commitment issues. What kind of pussy are you?? I'm not trying to be mean but, what in the fuck is up with that hair?? Jesus man, Dreadlocks, are you shitting me?? What in the fuck is a blog anyway?? You mean to tell me that you spend your precious time in front of a computer, expressing your deepest thoughts for the world to see? How gay is that? I either envisioned me having a beautiful family by now, or being like a black James Bond, romancing miscellaneous international vagina. Well at least you aren't a criminal, or a black republican, so I guess that is a positive.