Let me start this post off by thanking all of you who wished me a Happy Birthday, I appreciate it very much. The love felt good man, it kind of made up for all the women who ever said that I was a miserable lay, kind of. The funny thing about the following post is that I had it ready Thursday afternoon, but I was so hung over from the previous night's shenanigans that I thought I had posted it when I really sent it to draft. The following post is simply a continuation of the birthday post, just outlining the specific events of the night of August 31st, 2005.
32 years old:(2005):I didn't really know what I was going to do for my birthday this year, actually I didn't have anything planned and didn't particularly care in the first place. I'm not one that shuns celebrations, but after the age of thirty I feel that festivities reminding you just how old your black ass is getting is somewhat disturbing. Around 7 P.M my friend Steven calls me and tells me to get dressed because we plan on, as he put it, "celebrating your birthday right!" Let me tell you a little about Steven, he is a British dude that I met about a year ago, he is one of the coolest guys I know. He is also the classiest motherfucker that I know, Oxford educated, rowing team, the whole nine. To be honest with you, I know that I probably offend all of his European sensibilities with my vulgarity and quickness to bitch-slap an asshole, but then again maybe he is a masochist. Anyway, I get showered, groom my locks, tighten up the beard, and put on my dress attire for that night.(i.e Public Enemy T-shirt, jeans, and shell-toe Adidas) When Steven comes to my house to pick me up for a "night out on the town" I notice that he has a troubling look on his face. I ask him, "What in the fuck is up with you??" He then proceeds to tell me that he has read my blog, at length, and that he had "no idea" that I was that violent. I point out to him that I haven't gotten into an altercation around him during the tenure of our friendship, so after I said that I put him to ease, but he still made me promise that I would be good that night.
First we went to a bar that I frequent just to grab a few beers, then proceed to more livelier entertainment later on that evening. Like anyone who is a regular at a bar knows, if you tell people that it is your birthday, people in attendance will give you free drinks like you are Tony Soprano. I'm having a great time, downing shots like it was an Olympic event, and talking to this hot Latina number named Diane. The I hear some asshole say, in my direction, "Fuck him, why are people buying him drinks. What does that girl see in that black bastard!!" I look at Steven and he gives me a "Please don't do anything" look so I ignore the guy at first. After 5 minutes of him cowardly saying shit under his breath I had enough. I walk over to him, grab the back of his neck and say, "Look, if you say anything else about me..Come to think about it, if you sneeze, breath heavily, cough, or say anything in the next 5 minutes, I am going to knock your teeth down your motherfucking throat!! I'm timing you motherfucker!"(Steven shields eyes in embarrassment) The funny thing is that the guy didn't make a peep after that, I then realized that I missed my calling, I would have made an excellent bully.
Next we go to this spot called "Jeremy's" that I had never been to before. I walk in and it was a dream come true, people dancing and enjoying old school Hip Hop. I gave Steven the same look a child gives his parents as they see a plethora of gifts under a Christmas tree on December 25th. For the next couple of hours I danced to "Pete Rock and CL Smooth", "MC Lyte", and other old school hits that I absolutely adore. Not only that, but the ladies were feeling me that night, I only say that because over the past couple of years my game basically consisted of the ever romantic line, "Umm, do you wanna fuck??!!" So you can only imagine the surprise that I got when women who smelled like heaven and had thighs from hell were laughing at all my jokes, hanging on every word, and treating me like a king.(I secretly think Steven paid them, but even if he did somehow that doesn't bother me. Go figure.)
At this point I am drunker than George W. Bush during his college years, but Steven had one more place to go. We went to some trendy bar called "Bardo"(I think) where we drank Saki and talked to these girls who thought Steven was the best thing since Internet porn. I wasn't jealous, not really, because Steven had already provided me with such a stellar birthday already. As these two fine ass chicks are talking to us I feel myself nodding off like a heroin addict, the only thing keeping me awake are the 4 caramel scoops of heaven that is the cleavage of the two women in question. My eyes were getting really heavy until I heard one of them say, "Hey, I got some weed back at the house!"
So we went there immediately and smoked some weed, at least that's what they said it was because it was weaker than a black republican's spine. I must of smoked 4 joints, totally smoking all their shit saying, "I have smoked Newports stronger than this!!" It turned out that I underestimated the strength of said marijuana because the next thing I know I am skinny dipping in their pool with some other girls who were in attendance. I vaguely remember singing Barry White songs to the ladies, telling them something about the "potency" of my "demon-seed", rambling about how "Boy George is my homeboy!!", and a whole bunch of other shit that I care not to get into. Even though I was high as a kite, I still remember walking around naked and noticing the women looking at my package, trying to figure out if they were giving me a "that sure is a beautiful penis" look or a "what are you a toddler with a penis like that" look.
Next thing I know it's 3:15 the next afternoon, dreadlocks all over my face, head pounding, but the covers were secure around my body like I had been tucked in. Later on when I talked to Steven I learned that the girls had drove me to my crib, walked me in, and tucked me in like I was 10 years old and shit. He also said that I could have known one of the girls "biblicly", the cutest one out of the bunch, but that plan was dead because of the fact that I almost threw up on her.(Only I can fuck up birthday ass!!)
Anyway, thank all of you for the kind words and the birthday love!!