Saturday, September 03, 2005

Birthday Hangover(Part of a "Two Post" Saturday)

Let me start this post off by thanking all of you who wished me a Happy Birthday, I appreciate it very much. The love felt good man, it kind of made up for all the women who ever said that I was a miserable lay, kind of. The funny thing about the following post is that I had it ready Thursday afternoon, but I was so hung over from the previous night's shenanigans that I thought I had posted it when I really sent it to draft. The following post is simply a continuation of the birthday post, just outlining the specific events of the night of August 31st, 2005.

32 years old:(2005):I didn't really know what I was going to do for my birthday this year, actually I didn't have anything planned and didn't particularly care in the first place. I'm not one that shuns celebrations, but after the age of thirty I feel that festivities reminding you just how old your black ass is getting is somewhat disturbing. Around 7 P.M my friend Steven calls me and tells me to get dressed because we plan on, as he put it, "celebrating your birthday right!" Let me tell you a little about Steven, he is a British dude that I met about a year ago, he is one of the coolest guys I know. He is also the classiest motherfucker that I know, Oxford educated, rowing team, the whole nine. To be honest with you, I know that I probably offend all of his European sensibilities with my vulgarity and quickness to bitch-slap an asshole, but then again maybe he is a masochist. Anyway, I get showered, groom my locks, tighten up the beard, and put on my dress attire for that night.(i.e Public Enemy T-shirt, jeans, and shell-toe Adidas) When Steven comes to my house to pick me up for a "night out on the town" I notice that he has a troubling look on his face. I ask him, "What in the fuck is up with you??" He then proceeds to tell me that he has read my blog, at length, and that he had "no idea" that I was that violent. I point out to him that I haven't gotten into an altercation around him during the tenure of our friendship, so after I said that I put him to ease, but he still made me promise that I would be good that night.

First we went to a bar that I frequent just to grab a few beers, then proceed to more livelier entertainment later on that evening. Like anyone who is a regular at a bar knows, if you tell people that it is your birthday, people in attendance will give you free drinks like you are Tony Soprano. I'm having a great time, downing shots like it was an Olympic event, and talking to this hot Latina number named Diane. The I hear some asshole say, in my direction, "Fuck him, why are people buying him drinks. What does that girl see in that black bastard!!" I look at Steven and he gives me a "Please don't do anything" look so I ignore the guy at first. After 5 minutes of him cowardly saying shit under his breath I had enough. I walk over to him, grab the back of his neck and say, "Look, if you say anything else about me..Come to think about it, if you sneeze, breath heavily, cough, or say anything in the next 5 minutes, I am going to knock your teeth down your motherfucking throat!! I'm timing you motherfucker!"(Steven shields eyes in embarrassment) The funny thing is that the guy didn't make a peep after that, I then realized that I missed my calling, I would have made an excellent bully.

Next we go to this spot called "Jeremy's" that I had never been to before. I walk in and it was a dream come true, people dancing and enjoying old school Hip Hop. I gave Steven the same look a child gives his parents as they see a plethora of gifts under a Christmas tree on December 25th. For the next couple of hours I danced to "Pete Rock and CL Smooth", "MC Lyte", and other old school hits that I absolutely adore. Not only that, but the ladies were feeling me that night, I only say that because over the past couple of years my game basically consisted of the ever romantic line, "Umm, do you wanna fuck??!!" So you can only imagine the surprise that I got when women who smelled like heaven and had thighs from hell were laughing at all my jokes, hanging on every word, and treating me like a king.(I secretly think Steven paid them, but even if he did somehow that doesn't bother me. Go figure.)

At this point I am drunker than George W. Bush during his college years, but Steven had one more place to go. We went to some trendy bar called "Bardo"(I think) where we drank Saki and talked to these girls who thought Steven was the best thing since Internet porn. I wasn't jealous, not really, because Steven had already provided me with such a stellar birthday already. As these two fine ass chicks are talking to us I feel myself nodding off like a heroin addict, the only thing keeping me awake are the 4 caramel scoops of heaven that is the cleavage of the two women in question. My eyes were getting really heavy until I heard one of them say, "Hey, I got some weed back at the house!"

So we went there immediately and smoked some weed, at least that's what they said it was because it was weaker than a black republican's spine. I must of smoked 4 joints, totally smoking all their shit saying, "I have smoked Newports stronger than this!!" It turned out that I underestimated the strength of said marijuana because the next thing I know I am skinny dipping in their pool with some other girls who were in attendance. I vaguely remember singing Barry White songs to the ladies, telling them something about the "potency" of my "demon-seed", rambling about how "Boy George is my homeboy!!", and a whole bunch of other shit that I care not to get into. Even though I was high as a kite, I still remember walking around naked and noticing the women looking at my package, trying to figure out if they were giving me a "that sure is a beautiful penis" look or a "what are you a toddler with a penis like that" look.

Next thing I know it's 3:15 the next afternoon, dreadlocks all over my face, head pounding, but the covers were secure around my body like I had been tucked in. Later on when I talked to Steven I learned that the girls had drove me to my crib, walked me in, and tucked me in like I was 10 years old and shit. He also said that I could have known one of the girls "biblicly", the cutest one out of the bunch, but that plan was dead because of the fact that I almost threw up on her.(Only I can fuck up birthday ass!!)

Anyway, thank all of you for the kind words and the birthday love!!


Chele said...

Jeez, HC. I'm sure you found your wife that night. LOL

Maverick said...

I just wanted to take the time to post the same information that I sent out to a number of people through e-mail this morning. Help if you can...I apologize for blowing your blog up like this, HC. Thanks for your patience...


I know that many people are looking at the news constantly about Hurricane Katrina and all of the people that it has affected. Most of the people from New Orleans fled the storm and came to Baton Rouge, Louisiana...where I am from. All of the shelters in Baton Rouge and the surrounding suburbs are completely full right now, but they could still use help...

I know a lot of people are looking to donate but don't want to just throw their money out there to any agency. I am not sure of all of the places that are offering shelter and assistance but I just wanted to throw some out there for people who are looking for the information.

Volunteers of America in Baton Rouge are housing many of the families from the storm. They offer assistance to women and children in particular. I would suggest that you not just send money...instead get in touch with Volunteers of America first so that you know exactly who you are sending it to and who you are helping. Two of the women at Voluteers of America are Paulette Hansberry and Denise Hansberry. They both work for Volunteers of America so you can call them and ask them about what you can do to help. The info for their branch is...

Attn: Paulette and Denise Hansberry
Volunteers of America
827 America Street
Baton Rouge, LA 70802
(225) 381-7955

...also I know that the Baker Municipal Center as well as Bethany World Prayer Center are taking in a couple hundred people and housing them there. Baker is a suburb on the north side of Baton Rouge. I don't know any people there personally, so be sure to call and get the information of who you can send donations to...

Baker Municipal Center
3325 Groom Road
Baker, Louisiana 70714
(225) 775-0059

Bethany World Prayer Center
13855 Plank Road
Baker, LA 70714
(225) 774-1700

...and lastly, there is a number that gives information on how to give donations and help to any place in East Baton Rouge Parish that is providing assistance to people from the hurricane...

East Baton Rouge Parish Emergency Operations Center
Volunteer and Donations Management Bank
(225) 389-2861
(225) 389-2863

...this is just other information that I got my hands on. Forward to anyone that you might think needs it. I will pass on anything else I can find...

Important phone numbers:
Evacuees in need of dialysis should call 225-387-1333
Information on Katrina: 225-346-8255
Road conditions: 800-469-4828
Latest coordinates: 225-346-8255 code 8613
State offices: 800-360-9660
Price gouging: 800-488-2770
Metro Airport flight info: 225-355-0333
New Orleans Airport info: 504-464-0831
Ascension Parish OEP: 225-621-8360
EBR Parish OEP: 225-389-2100
WBR Parish OEP: 225-346-1577
LaFourche Parish OEP: 985-537-7603
Livingston Parish OEP: 225-686-3066
Orleans Parish OEP: 504-415-1158
St. Bernard Parish OEP: 504-278-4267
St. Charles parish OEP: 985-783-5050
St. John Parish OEP: 985-652-2222
Tangipahoa Parish OEP: 985-748-3211
Terrebonne Parish OEP: 985-873-6357
Red Cross Emergency number 295-0104,
-For red cross donations, 1-800-help now, 1-800-435-7669
All shelters need cots, blankets, and personal items

Feel free to check out, a reliable
information website sponsored by on the Hurricane Katrina

Wal-Mart gift cards make excellent presents for the hurricane victims.
Wal-Mart Supercenter stores have everything from clothing to food to

This comes from a floating e-mail. Apparently, it originated from the Texas
Deputy Commissioner for Administration. Make sure and call the number for
Do you know anyone in Texas as an evacuee from any of the three states
Louisiana, Mississippi, and Alabama? If so, the Texas Department of Health
and Human Services will give them 2 months of Food Stamps with no questions
asked. All they need to show is a drivers license.
This agency will also give you information and locations where they can
receive free gas. Also, if you are housing anyone from one of these states
you can call FEMA at 800-621-3362 file a claim and receive assistance for
your help.
This is valid information directly from TDHHS. The site to find a location
near you is

Please forward this important information on to others.

From Bro. Adam Stovall (Pi Xi, Texas State): "My wife and I are willing to
open our home to a family in need. We live in a small 3-bedroom, 1 ½-bath
house in Copperas
Cove, 15 minutes outside of Fort Hood and an hour south of Waco. We are able
to accommodate for infants and children. Since space is limited, we can only
accommodate for one family. We do have pets, 2 cats and a dog."
E-mail Bro. Stovall at

From Soror Charlotte Brown (Epsilon Delta, Lamar): "I also have a guest
bedroom. I Just recently purchased a townhouse and would love to help one in
need. If there is a Soror or Frat in need of shelter, please let me know. I
live on the west side of Houston.
E-mail Soror Brown at

The University School of Las Colinas in Irving, a private academy, is
willing to accept displaced students in grades 6-12. The school is willing
to assist students and families the best way possibly. The school, in
addition, has dual enrollment with North Lake College, and students can take
classes for free.
For more information, contact school principal Tre' John or athletic
director Bro. DeWayne Barker at 972-753-6165. Visit the school's website at E-mail Bro. Barker at

Bro. Anthony Van Kline (Pi Xi, Texas State) is looking for Frat named John
Baur, who lives in New Orleans. Bro. Baur was scheduled to make a trip to
the San Marcos area, but Bro. Van Kline hasn't heard from him since the
hurricane. If anyone knows Bro. Baur and his whereabouts, contact Bro. Van
Kline as soon as possible at

The Ladies of Beta Lambda Chapter (Univ. of Houston-Downtown) is hosting a
Katrina Relief Drive on Thursday, Sept. 8, from 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. on the
South Deck. All Sorors and Frat are asked to come and donate clothes, shoes,
food, etc.
E-mail for more information.

The Town of Flower Mound, just outside the city of Lewisville, has set up
donation boxes throughout town to provide an organized relief effort for the
victims. Drop off locations include Town Hall (2121 Cross Timbers), the
Service Center (1105 Duncan Lane), the Flower Mound Police Station (4150
Kirkpatrick Lane), Central Fire Station (3838 Forums Drive), Fire Station #
2 (4401 Shiloh Road) and Fire Station #3 (2020 Woodhill Lane). Donations
will be distributed to refugees currently residing in the DFW area. For more
information, call Paula Lawrence at 972-874-6076.

SP said...

Awww, Poor HC. You didn't get any birthday ass? At least you had a good time.

Thinkerbelle said...

Birthday highjinks with random whores. That's class.

I am Jack said...

Great story. I personally love whores.

lady in satin said...

Glad you enjoyed your birthday!

Vladimir de León said...

What a kick-ass birthday.

mr_g said...

Happy Birthday a little late. Sounds like a blast, except for no ass!

Thinkerbelle said...

I just checked the Black Weblog results. Congrats on basically sweeping the whole damn thing!!

Brother OMi said...

"you must be tired of me spending,
wasting time whining and dining..

I'm f...."
wait a minute !
you passed out AGAIN

ha ha
happy bornday you lush!

obifromsouthlondon said...

happy b'day mr critic.

it was my birthday yesterday and lots of fun had by all.

E to the dwige said...

Happy Belated birthday. Glad to read that it was a great one.

Sankofa said...

Damn HC...Four wins??? I AM SO PROUD OF YOU!!! You deserve every bit of it!

Garrett said...

Seems like you had an unique b'day, good post. Check out my blog if you ever get the chance,

Crackpot Press said...

I had friend once throw up on his stripper while getting a lap dance.

I was amazed that the only thing the bouncer did was offer us some Tums.

WIP said...

So, the 'chiefing' of the presumably weak chronic wasn't all that bad. You're giving me flashbacks of those (cough) good old days of old. Except for the fact that you didn't get to "know" the flavor that was caramel, glad your birfday was memorable.

Kindred spirit reared its head again with the mention of the crown, but alas you've already seen me and minz. When can a sista have a peek? No pun intended...

**FIRE** said...

I knew somebody's birthday was coming up. Happy belated-Birhtday!

Chele said...


To: United States Congress
This petition is to urge congress to investigate the lack of immediate response to the devastation caused by Hurricane Katrina

theclamwhisperer said...

Maybe you didn't bleed your seed but it sounds like a great evening...what you remembered of it anyway.

solitaire said...

Four categories, baby! I'm so proud of you!!!


Becky said...

Sounds like one you will never forget :) I hope my 32nd can be just as fun

fabulousity, inc. said...

damn, even your birthday is hysterical. good work!

msjaim said...

U r a damn nut man! Your B-day sounds as if it was really... eventfull.. I have a B-day coming in december & ive been trying to think of shit to do since June 13th!

Oh, & drinking is always a good substitute when u dont get any for ur b-day... I noticed u reference ur "package"... often-Wsup w/ that?..LMTAO!!!

Its good u enjoyed ur day man!

venisha said...

sounds like a crazy ass time. can't get anymore fun than being drunk and just missing some
anyway, you commented on my blog...a while ago, and somehow i'm just noticing it (probably bc that blog is no longer in use). but yea, thanx for the love. and i will be checking your blog often....funny shit i must say!
best. V.

Aziza said...

Happy Belated Birthday!!!...

Schatzi said...

Glad you enjoyed your birthday! I'm wondering what else Steven found out about you that he didn't already know by reading your blog.

~b*b~ said...

happy belated, h.c.- i was 33 on the 30th !

Dr. D. said...

Respec for passing my site HC.

Happy belated....seems you coulda been playing pole vault wid one of the sweet lasses you met
;-)...never mind...liquor does that sometime.

BTW, I lick 42 on Saturday.

I will try to keep checking the site.