Thursday, September 15, 2005

Does this shirt make me look gay??

During a large portion of my life I have prided myself on being a pretty progressive thinker, my mind has opened up a great deal in the last decade or so. While many of my friends are wildly homophobic, and take great pains to express their misguided hatred for individuals who love another person of the same gender, I feel that those individuals should be left alone and be able to do whatever they want. Actually "being left alone" is my "progressive" answer to everything, abortion, interracial marriage, my constant porn watching, my penchant for sporadically throat-chopping your garden variety black republican, I guess I'm not the most complex thinker in the world. Even though a guy I went to college with named Derek claims that I have always been this open-minded, primarily because I would ritualistically beat up anyone who wanted to beat him up because he was gay. But to be honest Derek, because I know that you read this, I wasn't so much of a gay rights activist, just a chubby black bastard who liked to beat up assholes whenever I got the chance.(Hate to disappoint you)

Speaking of Derek, whenever I would chat with him on campus more than 10 years ago, he would point out the individuals that he thought were secretly gay.(I guess it was his "gay-dar") To "one-up" him, I would point out all the women I left unsatisfied within a 4 year period, not as impressive as Derek's talent but still. I would always ask Derek, "If you didn't know me, would I come off as gay to you?" Before he would answer I tried to cover my question up as to not offend him by saying, "Not that being gay is a bad thing!" Again, before he could answer I would interrupt by saying, "I mean, I'm cool with gay people! The Village People are one of the most underrated groups of the past 50 years!" He would give me a strange look and say, "Shut the fuck up, I get it. (looking at me) I don't get the gay vibe off of you, not really.." "Not really", I said, "I'm all man buddy!! If I had a belt to hold all the notches from my sexual conquests, I would have a fucking Chewbacca belt and shit! Also, no one on this campus fucks with me!!" Derek laughed and sarcastically said, "OK, bragging about sleeping with women and how tough you are, sure you aren't overcompensating for something?? But seriously, you don't come off as gay, not really?

For the past few years I didn't know if Derek's "not really" was his way of fucking with me, or he actually saw something in me that would throw off a gay man's "gaydar". There were a few events, that happened within the past year that proved the latter to be true.

Sports Bar: I had went to this sports bar over a year ago named "Roger Brown's" to catch a ball game, eat a shitload of wings, and try to talk some women into giving me a "charity fuck". As I sat and watched my Bears get their heads kicked in, a gentleman who had to be in his mid-60's sat down right beside me. We greeted each other, talked about sports casually, and then focused back on the game for a while. He says to me, "Son, you look like you need a drink.", so he starts to buy me shots of Yeager. I figured if this old guy wants to buy me shots I'm not going to turn them down, it's not like he wants to take me home or anything. About a hour and a half after we meet we are laughing it up, cracking dirty jokes, and making passes at a waitress who didn't mind primarily because we were basically paying her rent with the tips we were giving her. Usually, when I am in a bar, I despise anyone putting their hands on me, but since he was a old man I didn't mind him grabbing me by the shoulders in a "my buddy, my pal" kind of way. It's not like the old guy wanted to fuck me or anything.

I guess I bonded with the man because he reminded me of my father, minus the belittling, verbal abuse, and Jekyll and hide personality. Around 2 a.m everyone is filing out of the bar and I am shitfaced drunk. So drunk that the next 45 minutes will either be spent sobbingly telling a cab driver my life story, mistakenly going to a ex-bootycall's house even though she has just gotten married, or drunk dialing a miscellaneous woman and telling her that "gravity is nothing but a conspiracy theory! Don't let the government lie to you!!". I pay my tab which was only about 30 bucks, I say good-bye to the nice man and begin to go on my way. He says, "What are you doing later? Want to hang out some more?" Thinking he is talking about going to the lap dance place down the street, I say, "Man, I'm not going there, because not only did I fight the manager, but the women there don't "wash their hot-spots!!" He laughed and said, "No, no. Why don't you come home with me?" Slow ass me, I say, "What, you have some chicks there?" He then said, "No, it would be just me and you!" I literally stood there for an entire minute trying to figure out what in the fuck he was talking about, and when I did my eyes got big and I said, "Ohhh. Naw man, I'm straight brother, on some "Chewbacca belt" shit!"(Not realizing that he didn't know that Chewbacca reference) He then looked at his tab and gave me a look that I'm all too familiar with. It was the same look that I give some woman who I have just spent a shitload of money on, not expecting sex, but hoping that she will find a place in her precious heart to put that into consideration, so possibly we can be counting ceiling tiles together later.(albeit for 2 minutes) I pull out my wallet and said, "I know what that fucking look means!", and I hand him about 60 dollars, what I think he spent on shots. I start to walk away, but I return to the man in question and say, "Do I look gay to you?"

Jillians: I was in a club, it's more like a adult arcade, it's called "Jillians".(You probably have one in your town.) Anyway, there is a bartender there that I have wanted to fight for the longest time because my mother mistakenly told me that he was nasty to her and her friends, calling one of them a black bitch..(Mom, you know better than to tell me that shit) The only reason why I haven't beat him bloody yet is because there always happens to be a cop near-by whenever I'm there, go figure. So, for the past few months I have been giving him shit and telling him to "not be surprised if I catch his ass in the parking garage and beat him with a pillowcase full of sodas". But for the past couple of weeks I have eased up, because the guy is scared shit-less and the shit isn't fun anymore.(That doesn't mean that he is exempt from getting a beating though, don't get it twisted.) Anyway, a week or so ago I am there getting a drink and he is cursing out some black guy, with the exchange ending in a "Fuck you, you fucking faggot!!" I step up and say, "Hey, this is my cousin you son of a bitch!", so I grab him and start to pull him over the bar. There is a guy there that I know named Terry, who I think is a manager there, who stopped me and said, "HumanityCritic stop playing", so I let him go and I didn't get kicked out.

About a half hour later the guy that I stuck up came up to me, with a very beautiful woman, and thanked me for what I did. So I sat down with them and talked for a while, primarily because his lady friend was so beautiful that I was pitching a serious tent.(Another reason to sit down.) As we are talking I learn that the both of them are friends and roommates, and that they have been in the area for 5 years. I wasn't drunk or anything, I was just mesmerized by her thick lips, caramel mounds of flesh, and backside that you could place a drink on. I figured, even if I didn't get to ever see her in her birthday suit, I could save the image of her in my head for future masturbatory material. To be honest, I didn't listen to a word she said, she could have been talking about her plans to start a cult where they wore parachute pants, read Archie comics as their scripture and smoked embalming fluid, I would of just kept nodding in agreement as I stared at her tits. Last thing I remember is asking for the number, giving her a hug, and giving her homeboy a handshake. A few days later I called and was talking to the chick I met a few nights earlier. After a few moments she asked me, "Don't you want to talk to Jerry?" I said, "Why in the fuck would I want to talk to Jerry for?" She said, "That is the reason why I gave you the number, so you and Jerry could go out!" "Huh", I said, "I don't remember that part, you didn't say that! I thought you were giving me the number for you!!" There was a long pause, then she said, "I thought the part about Jerry "thinking what you did was sexy", me being engaged, and me saying "that you and Jerry would look great together" was more something of a hint!" I said, "Where was I at, I don't recall any of that! I'm straight, on some straight chewbacca shit! What was I doing?" She said, "Chewbacc..? Whatever, you want to know what you were doing?? Staring at my tits!", where I said "They are magical man, they have the power to make a straight man block out homosexual advances. You should take those bad boys on the road and make money!" She laughed and said, "Sorry for the mix-up, take care of yourself." "Take care of yourself", I said, but before I hung up I said, "But I'm saying, do I look gay to you??"

56 comments:

brooklyn babe said...

Sup Babes! Playing Catch up here, been off the set for a minute... now let me get back to my lunch time read.... I'll be back!

Anonymous said...

Awesome writing!! First time here and I'm loving every word.

janet..

I am Jack said...

Funny! Any Chewbacca reference gets me hyper lol

afrobaggins said...

You know that you don't have any sense. LMAO

Brotha Buck said...

Brings back that disconcerting experience I had in a bar once. I know that dumbfounded 5-second feeling when the confusion wears off and you first realize the person isn't just being nice.

totolehero said...

what's chewbacca ???

ManNMotion said...

Dude, what brought on this post? Did you recently watch a porn with too many men in it?

alli-babe said...

Did Derek ever get back to you about that "not really" comment?...lmao

men and their damn inability to think when ass and tits come in the room...that's what you get for not listening to Jerry and his roommate...lol

Anonymous said...

Post a picture of yourself and let us be the judge...

Kay

shinjyo said...

Naw, stay anonymous, you are so open about yourslef you should save something for yourself..

Great post, as usual.

totolehero said...

i agree with Kay...
we want picture !!!!!

VAN007 said...

"Do I look gay to you?"

I had to ask myself that question last weekend.... went to TIME in Norfolk with one of my best friends (very attractive female) and as we are standing around a group of girls comes up to us and starts dancing in a girls gone wild, I want to kiss you, and rub my breast on you type of way... now normally I wouldn't question their confusion about my sexuality, but I had just cut all my hair off and I understand that for some people a female with a low cut = gay... But I just want to let everybody know.... I AM NOT GAY and I DO NOT DANCE WITH GIRLS.... well actually I will dance with a girl if there is a man in between... so... I DO NOT DANCE WITH GIRLS, but I will do a MANWICH.

.... ummm sorry for the long post ;-)

CaffeineDiva said...

Nope Critic, you don't look gay to me!
ha ha... not really.

CarolineM said...

I hope you have some new, less rampantly homophobic, chums now.

Who cares if you look gay? -Apart from you, obviously! Do you think you might have anger management issues? Although beating up someone for being mean to your mum is perfectly acceptable.

And thanks for the nice comment.

bec said...

Keep the anonimity kid! Funny post.

feels good b n FREE said...

he,he,he...

you're something boy!

Amadeo said...

See between looking gay and metrosexual and whatever the other end would be it's hard for a brother to look like anything.

HadEnuff said...

I don't see this as an issue of
whether you look gay or not. It
seems to be more about you not
paying attention: to the geezer
buying you unlimited drinks in
a bar or to the beautiful woman,
with the carmel ta-tas, conversation.

As for you gay friend, that's just what gay folks say to straight friends to mess with their heads or
when our gaydar is in the shop for
repairs. :)

G. Cornelius Harris said...

Gay...LMAO...I'll keep you posted

Chele said...

Nah. You don't look gay. You look exactly the opposite. "Mandingo Macho". You dont necessairly have to "look" gay to get hit on by someone of the same sex. Believe me, I know LOL

Some gay men are going to be attracted to you just because of that and some don't want to hook up with another homosexual man. They want to "turn out" a straight man.

radnuw said...

HC,

I don't know what to say.. dude.. I consider myself progressive as the next man.. (I believe people should be able to do what makes them happy as long as it's legal).. I don't have anything against gays as long as they don't fuck with me.. I don't except drinks from no dude.. In less he my homie.. or kin.. I'm a grown ass man dog.. ya know.. I also know that nothing is for free.. As far a looking gay.. Who cares.. what other people thinks.. If you ain't gay.. then who gives a fuck what other people think. Now if you switch when you walk and wear pink shirts on the low then that's another story. Grown men should where primary colors..

P.E.A.C.E

Johnnydanger said...

Naw that's crap. I am a bar veteran, and if some drunk asshole wants to but you some drinks as a "platonic" gesture then let him do it. 90% of the time it is just one guy buying a drink for another, it is commonplace, and to accept doesn't make you gay and it doesn't violate any horseshit guy code either.

People keep saying to you HC, "If you aren't gay then why do you care", just showing that they didn't read it. You were being humorous about it and disproving the "gaydar" theory. You showed your high tolerance when you fought that homophobe months ago. People, reading is fundamental.

Oliviasmommi said...

I have to agree with some of the previous comments, without a picture, I can hardly judge whether or not you look gay...but...on the other hand, I do not have to see a picture to know you are not gay either *wink*

melette said...

I have no words. None.

Starla Spaulding said...

Remember Photoshop can give anyone the ultimate makeover without the surgery.

The guys misfired at you. You were nice enough to give the old guy his money.It happens to straight women too.

Kelly said...

Send me a picture...I have excelent gaydar....

Anonymous said...

someone looks erased to me.

lady in satin said...

Granted that I've never seen you before, I'm sure that you don't look gay. I'm sure that you are a very sexy, heterosexual looking muthafucka, just because you have dreadlocks.


BTW...you should write a book. Do you realize how much money you could make as an author???

uzuri.afi said...

*DYING* you are a trip I love your blogs for real. I odnt know if youl look gay though, i've never seen you.

miyna said...

you are so crazy, for real, tho!

loves and such...
mai

Jdid said...

lol

aplomb said...

U gay...HA! But forreal tho, ask your therapist what she thinks...lol Great Post :)

LisaBinDaCity said...

Love the Chewbacca belt... LMAO!

Funny post.

mrshife said...

Well I figured I needed to drop by since you have made your way over to my slice of blog heaven a few times now.
I guess I would only think you looked gay if you had a cock in your mouth.

Sista K said...

...you may look gay to some people...but you are not gay.....and knowing who you are is always the bottom line...saves you having to beat u extra people...and I know u are trying to get away from that....LOL!

alboogie said...

yo - this sh*t is hilarious. all i could think of was Strangé from Boomerang..."you, you are gay! and he, he is gay...puss puss puss" LMAO. wear your Chewbacca belt proudly dude!!

tito

gymprimodonna said...

It's not in your LOOKS!!!, Its in your spirit. You talk alot of macho shit, but deep down you have a wholesome, loving vibe. Thats infectious and attractive. Therefore you are attracting "souls" to your spirit. That's a rare "quality" in this day and age.

Spurious Plum said...

Not getting gay-dar from the shirt...more of a metrosexual vibe really.

Give in to that throat chopping impulse. Someone needs to.

mshairi said...

Great blog, great writing.

E said...

Heh...I love that Boomerang reference. Strange' personally made the movie. I concur with those that say it doesn't matter what you look like, it's what you know that counts.

BiScUiTs said...

Lots of interesting experiences there,you could always milk the whole thing and get loads of free drinks hehe.

Nia said...

LOL You are such a fool. Take it as a compliment that you get hit on by guys and gals alike.

Dr. Deborah Serani said...

Nah, it's a metrosexual look.

~Deb

Hopluv said...

good post, I wish you could have finished beatin that guys ass at the bar who hurt mom & friends feelings! Do you think you think you look gay :)

fastcharles said...

I feel like a dick asking, but where is the chewbacca reference from? Is it a reference, or just something that evolved?

peace.

Abdul-Halim V. said...

chewbacca huh...?

Anonymous said...

good post. best blog on the planet by the way..

Reddy said...

Hillarious.. I had to read and re-read this a few times to get the chewbacca reference. Then I sat there confused like ummmmm chewy wore a belt? Hell it's been forever since i've seen a starwars movie.. Anyhoo my gaydar is seriously flawed these days too.

kathi said...

Some of the best looking guys in the world are gay. A shame, but true all the same. Take it as a compliment, and run. :)

Robert A. Swipe said...

Hey HC,

Thanks for the kind words.

Give that Dubya guy a bitch slap from me too!


Love on ya,

Bob

Anonymous said...

yeah, i know Jillian's - they replaced my favorite skating rink back in the day.

pissed me off somethin' terrible, cuz that left me and my girls with no other options but Chez Vous (another rink).

LOL @ Chewbacca and the notches on your belt! *while secretly hoping...*

*junglefevAh* said...

awesome

Anonymous said...

cliche but we need to own our own record labels and penetrate pop culture to the point that the generations upcoming represent themselves as one human body.
next remove religion. it is simply a means to brainwash the masses especially stupid ass white folks (the ones who even white people call stupid fucks) who dont know shit and will never know shit.
the world hasn't changed for shit since the days of alexander the great and the sick ass greeks. however before that the original man in africa had a system of trade that ranged many continents on a peaceful buzz (to a degree). now it is the age of caucaian world domination but have no fear for once we pass on and turn to dust mankind will identify more dominant races until the term 'race' is no longer recognised and difference between humans. my estimate 4000 AD minimum. see you then, peace from new zealand

Rowan said...

sounds to me like you just enjoy being around people and that you are really a nice guy at heart. Shame that you keep having these experiences, but I'll bet it has nothing to do with your looks. I have trouble with homeless, the guy misisng his teeth at the corner of the bar and the weird/creepy fetish types thinking I'm interesting because I smiled at them when they said hello. I think you are just a decent person who is mistaken for something else.

Brother OMi said...

yo, I would have a fucking Chewbacca belt and shit! , i am using that.. i love the star wars references

Anonymous said...

Hi
I was looking around blogland for some info to add to my sitehttp://tummy-tucks.wise-owl-ebooks.com when I came accross your blog, very nice effort. I know what I like and I like it.