During a large portion of my life I have prided myself on being a pretty progressive thinker, my mind has opened up a great deal in the last decade or so. While many of my friends are wildly homophobic, and take great pains to express their misguided hatred for individuals who love another person of the same gender, I feel that those individuals should be left alone and be able to do whatever they want. Actually "being left alone" is my "progressive" answer to everything, abortion, interracial marriage, my constant porn watching, my penchant for sporadically throat-chopping your garden variety black republican, I guess I'm not the most complex thinker in the world. Even though a guy I went to college with named Derek claims that I have always been this open-minded, primarily because I would ritualistically beat up anyone who wanted to beat him up because he was gay. But to be honest Derek, because I know that you read this, I wasn't so much of a gay rights activist, just a chubby black bastard who liked to beat up assholes whenever I got the chance.(Hate to disappoint you)
Speaking of Derek, whenever I would chat with him on campus more than 10 years ago, he would point out the individuals that he thought were secretly gay.(I guess it was his "gay-dar") To "one-up" him, I would point out all the women I left unsatisfied within a 4 year period, not as impressive as Derek's talent but still. I would always ask Derek, "If you didn't know me, would I come off as gay to you?" Before he would answer I tried to cover my question up as to not offend him by saying, "Not that being gay is a bad thing!" Again, before he could answer I would interrupt by saying, "I mean, I'm cool with gay people! The Village People are one of the most underrated groups of the past 50 years!" He would give me a strange look and say, "Shut the fuck up, I get it. (looking at me) I don't get the gay vibe off of you, not really.." "Not really", I said, "I'm all man buddy!! If I had a belt to hold all the notches from my sexual conquests, I would have a fucking Chewbacca belt and shit! Also, no one on this campus fucks with me!!" Derek laughed and sarcastically said, "OK, bragging about sleeping with women and how tough you are, sure you aren't overcompensating for something?? But seriously, you don't come off as gay, not really?
For the past few years I didn't know if Derek's "not really" was his way of fucking with me, or he actually saw something in me that would throw off a gay man's "gaydar". There were a few events, that happened within the past year that proved the latter to be true.
Sports Bar: I had went to this sports bar over a year ago named "Roger Brown's" to catch a ball game, eat a shitload of wings, and try to talk some women into giving me a "charity fuck". As I sat and watched my Bears get their heads kicked in, a gentleman who had to be in his mid-60's sat down right beside me. We greeted each other, talked about sports casually, and then focused back on the game for a while. He says to me, "Son, you look like you need a drink.", so he starts to buy me shots of Yeager. I figured if this old guy wants to buy me shots I'm not going to turn them down, it's not like he wants to take me home or anything. About a hour and a half after we meet we are laughing it up, cracking dirty jokes, and making passes at a waitress who didn't mind primarily because we were basically paying her rent with the tips we were giving her. Usually, when I am in a bar, I despise anyone putting their hands on me, but since he was a old man I didn't mind him grabbing me by the shoulders in a "my buddy, my pal" kind of way. It's not like the old guy wanted to fuck me or anything.
I guess I bonded with the man because he reminded me of my father, minus the belittling, verbal abuse, and Jekyll and hide personality. Around 2 a.m everyone is filing out of the bar and I am shitfaced drunk. So drunk that the next 45 minutes will either be spent sobbingly telling a cab driver my life story, mistakenly going to a ex-bootycall's house even though she has just gotten married, or drunk dialing a miscellaneous woman and telling her that "gravity is nothing but a conspiracy theory! Don't let the government lie to you!!". I pay my tab which was only about 30 bucks, I say good-bye to the nice man and begin to go on my way. He says, "What are you doing later? Want to hang out some more?" Thinking he is talking about going to the lap dance place down the street, I say, "Man, I'm not going there, because not only did I fight the manager, but the women there don't "wash their hot-spots!!" He laughed and said, "No, no. Why don't you come home with me?" Slow ass me, I say, "What, you have some chicks there?" He then said, "No, it would be just me and you!" I literally stood there for an entire minute trying to figure out what in the fuck he was talking about, and when I did my eyes got big and I said, "Ohhh. Naw man, I'm straight brother, on some "Chewbacca belt" shit!"(Not realizing that he didn't know that Chewbacca reference) He then looked at his tab and gave me a look that I'm all too familiar with. It was the same look that I give some woman who I have just spent a shitload of money on, not expecting sex, but hoping that she will find a place in her precious heart to put that into consideration, so possibly we can be counting ceiling tiles together later.(albeit for 2 minutes) I pull out my wallet and said, "I know what that fucking look means!", and I hand him about 60 dollars, what I think he spent on shots. I start to walk away, but I return to the man in question and say, "Do I look gay to you?"
Jillians: I was in a club, it's more like a adult arcade, it's called "Jillians".(You probably have one in your town.) Anyway, there is a bartender there that I have wanted to fight for the longest time because my mother mistakenly told me that he was nasty to her and her friends, calling one of them a black bitch..(Mom, you know better than to tell me that shit) The only reason why I haven't beat him bloody yet is because there always happens to be a cop near-by whenever I'm there, go figure. So, for the past few months I have been giving him shit and telling him to "not be surprised if I catch his ass in the parking garage and beat him with a pillowcase full of sodas". But for the past couple of weeks I have eased up, because the guy is scared shit-less and the shit isn't fun anymore.(That doesn't mean that he is exempt from getting a beating though, don't get it twisted.) Anyway, a week or so ago I am there getting a drink and he is cursing out some black guy, with the exchange ending in a "Fuck you, you fucking faggot!!" I step up and say, "Hey, this is my cousin you son of a bitch!", so I grab him and start to pull him over the bar. There is a guy there that I know named Terry, who I think is a manager there, who stopped me and said, "HumanityCritic stop playing", so I let him go and I didn't get kicked out.
About a half hour later the guy that I stuck up came up to me, with a very beautiful woman, and thanked me for what I did. So I sat down with them and talked for a while, primarily because his lady friend was so beautiful that I was pitching a serious tent.(Another reason to sit down.) As we are talking I learn that the both of them are friends and roommates, and that they have been in the area for 5 years. I wasn't drunk or anything, I was just mesmerized by her thick lips, caramel mounds of flesh, and backside that you could place a drink on. I figured, even if I didn't get to ever see her in her birthday suit, I could save the image of her in my head for future masturbatory material. To be honest, I didn't listen to a word she said, she could have been talking about her plans to start a cult where they wore parachute pants, read Archie comics as their scripture and smoked embalming fluid, I would of just kept nodding in agreement as I stared at her tits. Last thing I remember is asking for the number, giving her a hug, and giving her homeboy a handshake. A few days later I called and was talking to the chick I met a few nights earlier. After a few moments she asked me, "Don't you want to talk to Jerry?" I said, "Why in the fuck would I want to talk to Jerry for?" She said, "That is the reason why I gave you the number, so you and Jerry could go out!" "Huh", I said, "I don't remember that part, you didn't say that! I thought you were giving me the number for you!!" There was a long pause, then she said, "I thought the part about Jerry "thinking what you did was sexy", me being engaged, and me saying "that you and Jerry would look great together" was more something of a hint!" I said, "Where was I at, I don't recall any of that! I'm straight, on some straight chewbacca shit! What was I doing?" She said, "Chewbacc..? Whatever, you want to know what you were doing?? Staring at my tits!", where I said "They are magical man, they have the power to make a straight man block out homosexual advances. You should take those bad boys on the road and make money!" She laughed and said, "Sorry for the mix-up, take care of yourself." "Take care of yourself", I said, but before I hung up I said, "But I'm saying, do I look gay to you??"