Tuesday, September 06, 2005

Election Night

(solitaire is pacing back and forth looking highly irritated, trying to desperately get a hold of HumanityCritic)

(Phone rings)

HumanityCritic: Ha-Ha. Hello?

solitaire: Where in the hell are you at?? What is all that damn noise in the background? You were supposed to be at Election Headquarters hours ago!!

HumanityCritic: I'm having a few drinks with some very nice ladies.(Takes body shot off of one of the women) Take it easy, it's Friday night, let a brother have some fun!

solitaire: Actually it's Tuesday and it's 11 Am. Are you trying to sabotage your political career with your recent antics? I mean, the "Birthday Hangover" post, your anger issues, and I just love the reports coming out of Washington where you went on a black Republicans blog and called him, and I quote, "a cocksucking assclown"? Nice, who are the girls you are partying with anyway?

HumanityCritic: The Bush Twins.

solitaire: What!!!!! Have you lost your nappy headed mind??

HumanityCritic: Come on, they are nice girls. Plus they are super talented.

solitaire: Talented?? Where is the talent in being young drunk sluts anyway?

HumanityCritic: Three words. No Gag Reflex.

solitaire: Ewwww gross! You could have kept that shit to yourself!! Come the fuck on, you are needed at headquarters!

HumanityCritic: OK, but your going to love this, I have these chicks trained. Check this out, OK ladies, Go!

Bush Twins:(in unison) Our Daddy is a punk Bitch!!!

solitaire: OK, that is pretty impressive. Now come the hell on already.

(About an hour later HumanityCritic arrives at Election headquarters, where his election team is frantically manning the phones, and about a million T.V's are tuned in to election coverage)

solitaire: You look a mess, you could have at least shaved Grizzly Adams!(fixing clothes and wiping his face with a napkin and some of her spit. You know, like mom used to do)

HumanityCritic: Heeey! You are my campaign manager and I have love for you and everything, but the spit-wipes are a bit much.

solitaire: You want to play the germaphobe now but you got mouth-hugs from those two presidential harlots? Who knows where they have been?

HumanityCritic: You have a point.

(Everyone focuses in on the television, where Wolf Blitzer on CNN is announcing the results of the election)

Wolf Blitzer: Ladies and Gentlemen, all the votes are in, and it looks like that lovable dreadlocked black bastard, The HumanityCritic has won in four categories at the BlackWeblogAwards!

solitaire: We won!! My parents, my friends, everyone told me that I was committing career suicide being your campaign manager, so you winning is absolutely great. Granted, you have the temperament of a 5 year old, make inappropriate advances towards women, sometimes come off as the biggest asshole on earth, and I think that your fighting issues come from the fact that you probably have a incredibly small penis, but you won!!

(Whole staff stops celebrating and stares at solitaire)

solitaire: Oops, Maybe I've said too much.

(camera shows the reaction of some people around the country to HumanityCritic's win)

Disgruntled Ex girlfriend watching coverage: After we had sex he used to say shit like, "Your money is on the table, get lost!" Fuck him!!

Disgruntled Blogger watching coverage: My blog is funnier than his, I was a writer for "Pootie Tang" for Christs sake, and was a contributing writer for the theatrical masterbate "Booty Call". Fuck him!

Homophobe I beat up watching coverage: That motherfucker tried to light me on fire like Richard Pryor. Damn that rhymed, Fuck him!!

(The next day the blogosphere sets up a beautiful acceptance speech parade with scores of people waving signs and balloons, beautiful women who look like they just got finished dancing in a Jay-Z video, and convertible low-riders as far as the eye can see)

(After Bill Clinton finishes doing the "cripwalk" dance with Hillary to the sounds of M.O.P and MF DOOM, who were HC's opening acts, Bill addresses the crowd)

Bill Clinton: Wheew, that was fun. Today is a very special occasion because a dear friend of mine, The HumanityCritic, has won at the BlackWeblog awards. America has spoken and..(suddenly fixes his eyes on the girl from the Outkast video "The way you move") Damn girl you got a fat ass!! Can a brother take a bite??!

Hillary:(slaps Bill on the back of his head) You motherfucker!!

Bill Clinton: OUCH! Anyway, America has spoken. Ladies and Gentlemen, the HumanityCritic!!!

(HumanityCritic roll up in a beautiful drop top, blasting Public Enemy's "Shut em down", with a joint in his mouth. He is with his security team, B.H.A.I.L, consisting of Amadeo, Iselfra, Luke Cage, and Belle)

Disgruntled Blogger in crowd: Booo!! Boo! You suck!

HumanityCritic:(To Luke Cage) Hit that motherfucker!

Luke Cage: No Problem! (Luke Cage smashes the blogger in the face, making his body of hatred fly about 30 feet)

HumanityCritic:(steps to the podium to address the crowd):Thank you all for coming. Last night was tough, but it was a great night.(Applause.) The voters turned out in record numbers and delivered an historic victory. (Applause.)

Earlier today, other bloggers called with their congratulations, which was sweet, especially because I was willing to bitchslap anyone who talked shit. But they were gracious, which a brother appreciates. The other bloggers waged a spirited campaign, but it just goes to show you that voters love to hear stories about titties, throat-chops, and my two minute love making. (Applause.)

The blogishere has spoken, and I'm humbled by the love and good will showed to a chubby black bastard who masturbates like it's going out of style. With that love comes a duty to serve all bloggers, and I will do my best to be the best blogger I can be, and occasionally beat up a black republican or two along the way.

There are many people to thank, and my family comes first. (Applause.) My mother, my backbone, the only person that can call me an asshole and I know it's coming from a place of love, thank you. I love you dearly. (Applause.) I want to thank solitaire, who not only acted as my campaign manager, but was the one that alerted me of the blackweblogawards in the first place. I want to thank Iselfra who told me "be sure not to fall off", words that stuck with me and inspired me to keep blogging. I want to thank Karsh for setting creating the blackweblogawards in the first place, and all the kind individuals that donated prizes. There are too many people to name, but most of all I want to thank all of you that voted for me. I appreciate your love and kindness and I hope you continue to visit my blog anytime, you are definitely welcomed with open arms. I share this award with all of you who made it happen(wiping a tear), so all of you take a bow as well.(Applause)

In closing, I will make all of you proud, I'll continue to be the same abrasive asshole with a penchant for throat-chopping that all of you have grown to love over the past year. Thank you so much! (Applause)

(HumanityCritic walks away from the podium, but quickly returns and says the following:)

HumanityCritic: Oh Yeah, George Bush doesn't care about black people!! I'm out bitches!!!(Throws microphone down)

Solitaire:(shielding eyes) I have got to find another line of work!


The Princess Herself said...

HC..let me be THE FIRST to say congrats! Well deserved..

love ya man!

Running2Ks said...

Oh a hearty congrats to you!

SMW said...

I voted for you!


mutumia said...

Congratulations Mr. Critic!! ... Do the fans/groupies get to share some of the loot :)

Sista K said...

Congratulations James...you deserved every one of your wins. I am proud of you.



Zeezy4Sheezy said...

I think that's going to be the new catchphrase for the rest of the year"George Bush doesn't care about black people"

CaffeineDiva said...

Congratulations Fucker!
I'm proud of you.

DM said...

You waged a hard-nosed, extensive 16-month campaign...no wait, you campaigned for like two weeks. But you obviously appealed to the Oprah moms and value voters of Virginia Beach who can't cuss near the beach and time your sprints across the street at crosswalks (I've visited). Congrats, and hopefully I can give you some competition next year!

The Black Weblog Awards said...

Congratulations! Please contact us about receiving your prizes; the e-mail address in your profile bounced back. Thanks!

Coley said...

CONGRATULATIONS HC!!!! You already know I voted for your black ass like 8,974 times... LOL! Seriously though, you go boy!!! Now share your prizes. hee hee

Smooches, Coley

Will said...

Congratulations! You deserved the wins. Much respect!

Oliviasmommi said...

You know I already gave you your props over the weekend, but I thought I would leave you some love on here as well! I promise to post something else soon so you will quit harping on me *wink*

ohioliberal said...

Congrats HC!!

mal said...

Wow, another Black Awards program! Way cool! Does Whitey have one too? *L*

Luke Cage said...

Dawg, as always pretty stellar stuff. Now, fix that doggone e-mail addie and claim your prize. You deserve it! Glad to see all of those votes went to a great blog presence too! Here Here HC!

Amadeo said...

Congrats...abuse your power, please.

Kathryn said...

Congrats! That dialougue is so damn funny!

Bullet Proof Diva said...

that was frickin hysterical, makes me glad I voted for you, I am proud of ya!


Brother OMi said...


(damn that sounds so gay)

but MOP opened up.. just for that you get props.

hey, don't i get a cabinet position.. Minister of Information to whip ass.

James Manning said...

Much props to ya...

Justin said...

Usually I don't care for these scripts, but the bit with the Bush girls made it all worth it!!
Congrats and keep on rockin'.

Liza Valentino said...

congrats. you are a mess and now the whole world knows it.

Training the bush twins? classic...i can just see it now...*wavy lines*

josie said...

congrats, HC! Do what you do, baby! There is a reason why you are number one on my list. You are the best!

Reddy said...

Hillarious.. Congrats on the awards..

(why did I hear Clinton's voice in my head with his line) laughs.

Chele said...

It surely wasn't the stories about titties, throat-chops, and my two minute love making that turned me into a rabid fan but I'm still proud of you, play cousin!

Natoya said...

ooh, you're popular. thumbs up and congraattts.

mrblackromantic said...

HC - Congrats...

solitaire said...

John Kerry shoulda hired me!

Congrats again. Loved being a part of your story...except for one fatal flaw. I'll email you about it. :o)

Love, love, LOVE you!! Let's get married! (laughs)

Anonymous said...


I am Jack said...

Thats what I'm talking about!!! good job!

BlueAngel said...

Congratulations HC...you definitely deserve the accolades that you've received!

Sunnchine said...

*waving my "Humanity Critic Rocks" poster in the air*

CONGRATS HC!!!! You deserve it :)

Sunnchine said...

BTW, I LOVE that exit! LOL!!!!

THYKNESS said...


Jdid said...

damn where's soli's comments. you know I think you two would be perfect together. hey ouch. I mean was that throat chop absolutely necessary, lol

in all seriously though congrats man.

Blackstar said...

Congratulations! You keep me logging on everyday.

EJ Flavors said...

you know i had to vote for my man, HC, and i'm glad you won. forilla!

brooklyn babe said...

Damn Boo.

I'm late! Congrats Ike!!!!
Tina is over here singing.....
but I'm saying... 4 catergories... were U the only one running....lol!
(you had my vote)

. said...

Congrats, well deserved.


girlfriend A said...

Yeeeeah, I knew you would win!