Wednesday, January 04, 2006

The Awards for the "most sensitive fans" goes to...

Let me start this blog post off by saying that if you are a fan of one of these people I'm not saying that you are nuttier than squirrel feces, just that when criticism is thrown these individuals way it is my humble opinion that their fans, of the more fanatical nature, tend to get the most worked up about it. Just like my claim that I am the most chronic premature ejaculator ever to roam the earth, I have no way of knowing if that is true so this list isn't scientific, just based on my experience on being an asshole and talking shit about these particular people and the melodramatic reactions I have witnessed. It's not like I hate these people or their work, except for Dubya, I'm even a fan in a few cases, this is just a cautionary tale for those souls brave enough to talk shit about them in front of their bat-shit fan-base.

George W. Bush: Even though my political voting history would paint me as a "tree hugging liberal", I have never been so blind to sheepishly toe the party line. Yeah I voted for Bill Clinton, and on a Presidential level he makes our current Commander in Chief look like a new school version of "Barney Fife". But when he fucked up, and of course he did, I didn't defend him the same way some battered wives unfortunately defend their bastard husbands, like George W. Bush supporters. Even though I talk shit about republicans, and talk even more shit about black republicans, deep inside my tortured soul I realize that we all have our political differences and that's OK. But what's not OK, is when you defend somebody even though you know that they are as incompetent and mistake prone as an alcoholic bartender. I respect republicans who are blessed with objective thought, and can admit some of the mistakes this administration has made, I respect that. But there is a fanatical base of his supporters, acting like N'Sync fans circa 1999 hopped up on steroids and crystal meth, that defend our commander in chief regardless of any obvious faux paus that our president just made. How do you spot these weak willed, brown tongued individuals?? OK, glad you asked. Just start spouting off what you believe to be a laundry list of offenses by Mr. Bush, accompanied with quotes, facts, you name it. You can spot these lecherous sons of bitches if they somehow, remarkably, ignore the plethora of damning facts and somehow blame Clinton's cock for said offenses. Bad Economy? Clinton! Iraq? Clinton! Scandal ridden administration? Clinton's cock!! No offense Bush supporters, but for a guy who was supposed to "usher in an era of personal responsibility", you guys sure hold everyone else accountable.

Tupac Shakur: OK, Full disclosure here, I do get offended when people refer to him as the greatest rapper ever. This might be a very unpopular opinion, but I tend to think he had better material before he went to "Death Row" to be totally honest. Also, I do hold him responsible for being one of the sparks and further igniting a silly bi-coastal rap beef, and fumbling a great opportunity to make some positive change in the black community. That being said, I don't hate Tupac, I like a lot of his material, but his more fanatical fans tend to be absolutely bat-shit. Seriously, like "sitting in a padded room, making animal shapes out of your own feces on the wall" bat-shit. I say that because any time I ever criticized Tupac in the slightest manner, people become so outraged that they act like you have just cursed the creator himself, administering tongue lashings in my direction, even moving away from me to not get hit with some imaginary lighting bolt. I've heard every idiotic response like, "You just don't know Hip Hop!", "You weren't raised in the hood so you don't understand the struggle!", "You're a hater!", or any other 5th grade special needs response that unfortunately escaped their diseased cake-hole. Shit man, I wrote something critical of Tupac about a year ago and I still get nasty emails and comments, everything from threatening me with violence to name calling.(Granted, they are usually in ALL CAPS and misspelled, but that's neither her nor there.)

Mary J. Blige: I've knocked out a woman's brother once, cursed out some chicks father, poured a pitcher of beer on one date's best friend a few years back, and told one woman that her mother was nothing but a dime-store whore and still had the chance to clumsily give each one of those women the pleasure of experiencing the best 2 minutes of their natural born lives after those events. I said that to say this, nothing will talk the panties back on a black woman, thus ruin the chances of ever knowing her biblicly, faster than saying one unkind word about Mary J. Blige. Listen, I like Mary, I really do, I just hold two beliefs about her very close to my heart. 1. That Faith Evans is a better singer that just doesn't have the right material and 2. That Mary tends to play the victim card so much that her interviews are as entertaining as a wake. I know Mary has had negative experiences that she musically expresses in her songs and I have absolutely no problem with that, it's just that every interview I see her in she turns it into a "whoah is me" festival, it just seems contrived that's all. Whenever I publicly express the previous sentiments to women that I know, they get together and defend her tooth and nail, like Mary had given them a kidney once. I've been called more "Bastards" and "dickless sons of bitches" to last me a lifetime, so if you are of the fanatical nature feel free to be pissed, I'm used to it. But I guess so many women stick up for Mary because they can relate to her songs about love, heartbreak, and betrayal, and at the end of the day I can see why women swear by her. I know one thing though, if Mary ever wants to run for president she has the "Black woman" vote sewed up like a motherfucker.

Michael Jackson: I know this one is as obvious as Tom Cruise's homosexuality, with all the people frantically screaming Michael Jackson's name outside the court, equipped with banners and doves and shit, but nothing prepares you like being confronted by one up close and personal. I used to love Mike, watching the "Thriller" video in adolescent anticipation, but I used to love He-Man the same way and goddamnit I have moved on from that.(I still have a sexy He-Man costume in my closet, any takers ladies?) I can still play his older stuff and jam out in a way that only a chubby dreadlocked bastard like me can, but that doesn't mean that I approve of his current work or actions. Anyway, you can always tell who his crazy fans are because they might say the following: "So Michael likes to sleep with kids, so what?", "Just because he paid the first kid off doesn't mean anything!", "Michael is just misunderstood.", or some random bit of lunacy like that. I have had people attempt to strike me, curse me out, and read me the fucking riot act whenever I criticized MJ in the past. In some coke induced alternate universe, I guess he possibly could be innocent of everything he was ever accused of, I just no that my kid won't come within 3 states of that toddler aficionado. Did you know that I got fired from a job once because I told my boss, who was a big Michael Jackson fan, that Jacko was an "Adolescent nut juggler"?

The Grateful Dead: Did I ever tell you about the summer I followed "The Grateful Dead" around just for a piece of Hippy ass? It's true, I was enamored by this black hippy chick from Canada named Donna who absolutely swore by "The Grateful Dead". I wish I could tell you in specific detail the reasons I liked her, her child-like wonderment, how artistic she was, her intellect, her views on politics, the graceful way she carried herself as if she was floating, and the many more reasons I should have liked her. But to be honest, all those things aside, I liked her because she gave the best... Sorry, I won't be crass today, but she should have taught a class, truly on some "basketball through a straw" shit.(Sorry, couldn't resist) Anyway, I spent a few months going to a few "Dead" shows, and even though Hip Hop is my forte, I dug the stuff that I was listening to. Between the ultra nice Hippies, the women who had enough armpit hair it looked like a ball of yarn that a cat would play with, the Birkenstocks, the weed, the unwashed individuals, and the constant amount of "Hippie Love" that I got from Donna on a nightly basis, I was in heaven.

That was until Donna told me that she wanted to get intimate with a couple of dudes from Seattle in the back of their Van. As much as I tried to dissuade her, and express my undying love for her the same way Ben Affleck did in "Chasing Amy", or Eddie Murphy did at the end of "Boomerang", she shook her head and proceeded to go in the back of these guys van and get filled out like a mptherfucking application. Heartbroken, I packed my shit like the petulant child that I am and began to leave later, that's when Donna tried to get me to stay. I don't remember why I said "Fuck the Grateful Dead", but during my final "I'm leaving" speech I indeed said "Fuck the Grateful Dead!" making sure everyone heard me. That is when I was attacked, the same way one gets attacked in those zombie movies, by about 10 Hippies who took offense that I had just disrespected their band.(Included the two dudes who just had their way with Donna. Being stomped by men who smelled like they worked at a ass factory while wearing sandles, is definitely a spcial experience .) Bruised and battered, I limped out of that particular campground and made my way back to Virginia, vowing to never see Donna again. That was until a month later at a "Grateful Dead" show in New York, where me and Buddy viscously beat the two assholes who took part in jumping me previously. Damn I miss Buddy.

30 comments:

mai said...

i gotta back you on that Mary thing - i'm not the fan of her that most of my friends are. she got it like that, yes, but so do so many other singers, new school and old school, and some of them have it better. Mary just has better press, and yes, better material.

LOL @ alcoholic bartender - great comparison!

Sylvia said...

Ditto on Bush, Mary and Michael...I dunno enough about The Grateful Dead to like it or hate it. ::shrugs::

Mary just isnt that same anymore. What happened to the Mary we USED to know? *sigh*

Nuff said on Michael. Damn perv.

DJ Ho said...

Yo I still defend Michael to this day. But its more a thing I do to piss everyone else off. He makes awesome music but yes, he's a lil screwed in the head.

As for Pac, I don't think he's one of the greatest rappers of all time but he's one of the most well known and dare I say most influential to the masses.

With Mary, I haven't seen her interviews so I can't comment but i agree that all her songs are in the same vein - that heartbreak/i've been cheated on style. That Love it or hate remix with the Game is exactly on point though.

chele said...

yeah -- I'm a Mary fan ... but if the interviewers would stop asking her questions about her past maybe she would stop talking about it.

I'm assuming that your stint with the hippie chick was prior to you becoming a germaphobe.

I am Jack said...

I feel you on Mary though, I've seen her take a simple question about something totally different and turn it into a weep fest. I have noticed that..lol

Georgiapeach said...

Dude.........dude......
I like to skip around your posts. So, my crazy ass didn't even bother to read the first paragraph and goes straight to what you had to say about Tupac...
And let me tell you....
I had to take my damn coat off. For real. I was heated. I'm talking about, I was sitting over here getting a little pissed. Not really pissed. But you know, the pissed you get when you read something in cyberspace that you don't like.
Mann, I was two seconds from taking you off my blogroll. Damn right, I was two seconds away from doing it. And I even know how goofy it is to add and take off people from the blogroll....lol.
You need to have something on your blog that says "Read At Your Own Risk". But ofcourse we all know that Tupac is one of the greatest rappers. PERIOD. He got lame after his mother started fucking up his lyrics with the wack or whack (I don't know how the northerners spell their word)beats. Oh the TRAGEDY! I am going to check this Rakim out as soon as I find it, to see why ya'll old schools be going crazy over him.

**Sylvia** Beside you having the same name as my mom, I feel you on the Mary. See that's why I am stuck in the nineties. Things aren't the same anymore. I mean what happened to the same Mary on MY LIFE. For real.

Laina said...

Omigod I laughed so hard I thought I was going to pee myself!

scribe said...

Thanks for makin' me laugh at work!

supa sister said...

HC, now you know you can't say nothin' bad about PAC, 'cause that shit is blasphemy! (to most)

Belve said...

Wow.. I tried the thing with a Bush supporter, I almost got a mudhole stomped in me..

Tupac... I guess Im not enough of a thug because you nailed that onelike they did Donna

MJ.. One thing has made my life worthwhile on the inside and that is for the facade of MJ to fall so far. And people thought Prince was weirder than this guy. And I have lost MUCH .. tail about this one.

MJB.. She's had it hard women relate.. I don't debate cause i hate to..
The Grateful Dead..Im not a fan but wow how can you hate them... BTW.. if you ever run into her again my other name is MIke Jonessss...tell her to call me up.

Elle B. said...

LMBAO @MJB...I recently almost cussed my producer out about that shit...and the dude that I am seeing...

She's sacred or something i'ont know...

And Faith - I think she does it to herself with the bad material...at some point its no longer the A&R or whomever...it's just the artist themself, although I do LOVE me some Faith.

Reese The Law Girl said...

Actually, I've always felt that Mary has a better voice for jazz or the blues. She seems to strain too much with R&B. But, she's come a long way. Did you ever hear her sing live when she first came out? It wasn't pretty.

IsLifeLame said...

Hahah...that Greatful Dead story reminded me of a time when I yelled out "the Tragically Hip fuckin suck balls!!!" at a highschool dance. To most highschool prepboy dicks in Canada that's almost as bad a pissing on our flag.

CaffeineDiva said...

It's like a cult man! Seriously, if Bush (not like I'd be there), MJ or Ms. Blige had a gathering and passed out some Kool-Aid, I would have to pass on it.

I'm sorry about Donna though.

Breez said...

Though I do like Pac, MJB and MJ (black MJ though, black MJ) I feel what you're saying. Folks act like their CDs are a sign of the coming of Jesus. Mary's voice has gotten better, but she still couldn't hold a candle to Faith on her WORST day. Plus her latest CD has a garbage-esque quality about it.

alli-babe said...

I am with you on Mary...she has that wanna-slit-my-throat-and-slash-my-wrist-on-the-bathroom-floor type of agony going on that...umm, I just can't relate to...and I am a black woman!

Michael back in the day was the muthafucka...now he's just a fucker...or fuckHIM...(hey, I just call 'em like I see 'em)

Rakim!!! Bestest baddest hottest rapper that ever lived...yea, I am going overboard...but damn his voice was nice, his words and his style...who do we have now?!? Jack shit for rappers.

Sorry about the vent...LOL

tmj said...

Oh well damn! So what I am one of those Mary fans! But I have to say that I don't know WHAT is up with Faith Evans, she can sing, but I just can't like more than three of her songs. Ever.

Actually, I am one of those Pac fans too...

But I would shit on Dubya without a moment's hesitation. And the Grateful Dead (or those that're left) can fucc Donna for all I care! lol

justacoolcat said...

Well, since you crossed the crossed the politics line by calling out the GW cronies.

Why not go the next step?

You should ask Salman Rushdie about sensitive fans.

Perhaps when Jesus comes back to this world it will be as a sensitive, outspoken , weep fest rapper that steals the presidency.

The perfect marriage of all sensitive fans.

girlfriend a said...

Yeah H.C I feel you on Tupac. He wasn't the greatest but when I tell people I like Tupac better than B.I.G thats when all hell breaks loose.

AS far as MJB - I am just now beginning to like her for real. People are saying what happened to the old Mary I think I like the new Mary. Her live performances have been better since she put the coke down thats why maybe

And just pray for Michael, what more can we say or do about this brother...

A said...

CHELE -
You are so right about interviewers always asking Mary about her past. On Tyra banks show all she kept doing was asking her about her abusive relationhips and her drug use.It's like we heard this a million times on with new already.

I am Jack said...

I saw her on Tavis Smiley and he asked her about happy things, but that depressing broad somehow got all morbid and darkened the converstaion like a motherfucker. I feel you, she needs to cut that shit out.

Nina MM said...

Awww...you're hard on Mary. Mary's voice has texture...and experience, and I think that's what her fans feel. And shit...Faith used to write alot of Mary's material (check out her "My Life" liner notes), so maybe she should have kept some of those songs for herself?

I'm not going there with you about Pac. Best rapper of all time? Probably not. Better than Biggie? HELL YEAH. Biggie was some garbage. AND he had the nerve to be ugly. Ugh.

I never understood the fascination with the Grateful Dead. I've heard more entertaining nails going down a chalkboard then those tone-deaf fat, drugged out fuckas.

ChiChi10 said...

I will love you forever for that comment about Mary. Though I've come to like her more over the years, I have never gotten the extra hype about her.

Faith is my girl and she has always had the best voice, hands down.

NeenaLove said...

your commentary on MARY is ON POINT. i love her to death but... damn... does it end?

Jdid said...

I get into the tupac thing alot. He was good but when I say he was a much better actor than rapper people want to kill me.

Brother OMi said...

"get filled out like a mptherfucking application"

lol
you an ill dude.
i feel you on Pac, Bush, and Mary J. i just don't get it.

and Mary J is still strung out. she need to stop fronting..

jameil1922 said...

do you know this fool white girl said to me, "tupac still makes music because he isn't dead." umm.. ok. i'm supposed to agree w/that b/c i'm black right?

i feel you on mary. and as much as she claims she's over all that shit, the girl still has issues. the new album is about how she was nothing w/o her hubby and she has confidence now and blah blah blah. damn mary if you think you ain't shit w/o a man, why should anyone dispute you?

BLESSD1 said...

Man...have any of you ever listened to Faith sing live? She sucks...and I'm SO far from a Mary J apologist...cuz she sucks when singing live too. I felt you on the Pac stuff. He was much better before he did anything w/Death Row. I liked MJ, but seriously, he's one ucked fup individual. And my old roomie, a Black Republican with all the spine of an amoeba, would still ALMOST dare to raise up on you if you said anything dishonoring the second-coming, Pres. Bush. Funny post, HC...funny cuz it's true

GBall said...

Dubya is a complete moron, but he sure knows how to make complete fools out the general public and for that I gotta give him his props (although I can't stand his ass). Basicly, this piece of shit named George W. Bush is what the majority of the American public (white people) want. Both Bush and Reagan has sent this country back a hundred years in regards to civil rights accomplishments. But fuck civil rights, this dude has cut more programs for the poor than anyone. Hell look at his slow response to the hurricane Katrina disaster (for lack of a better term). And those fanatical "Tupac is better than gettin' some pussy" fans. Man, you described them better than I could with one word, batshit. They are completely batshit with a man who didn't utilize his power. Tupac could have been much more. Sure Tupac had a powerful voice, but I can't find anything that he said that was any more thought provoking or creative than some of the songs that Nas did for instance. Hell, I like Talib Kweli and Common better than Tupac. Yes Tupac was talented, but because of his death he's overrated. His fans probably light candles while listening to "Hit Em Up" and cry and shit. Mary J Blige fans are just as gullible. I hate watching her interviews. Everytime I see her on TV I'm thinking, "shit Mary its been years since you been with K-Ci. Bitch get over it!" I know she been through some shit, and I don't mean to sound insensitive, but I know people who's had it worse and those people haven't had the luck to bounce back to millions of dollars. Shit I'm tired of Mary J Blige being victimized in every interview, its like watching a group therapy session without the group or the therapist. Micheal Jackson, well Thriller was cold, but I would never bring my kids around his perverted ass. But you could have listed R. Kelly's fans too. I once had a broad, who was jockin' me hard, not talk to me again because I called R. Kelly a pervert. "GBall, I don't care, he's the best ever." I'm thinking WTF! I could go on for days, but I don't have the time

The Humanity Critic said...

Tupac fans from Fresno are all pussy's..