Let me start this blog post off by saying that if you are a fan of one of these people I'm not saying that you are nuttier than squirrel feces, just that when criticism is thrown these individuals way it is my humble opinion that their fans, of the more fanatical nature, tend to get the most worked up about it. Just like my claim that I am the most chronic premature ejaculator ever to roam the earth, I have no way of knowing if that is true so this list isn't scientific, just based on my experience on being an asshole and talking shit about these particular people and the melodramatic reactions I have witnessed. It's not like I hate these people or their work, except for Dubya, I'm even a fan in a few cases, this is just a cautionary tale for those souls brave enough to talk shit about them in front of their bat-shit fan-base.
George W. Bush: Even though my political voting history would paint me as a "tree hugging liberal", I have never been so blind to sheepishly toe the party line. Yeah I voted for Bill Clinton, and on a Presidential level he makes our current Commander in Chief look like a new school version of "Barney Fife". But when he fucked up, and of course he did, I didn't defend him the same way some battered wives unfortunately defend their bastard husbands, like George W. Bush supporters. Even though I talk shit about republicans, and talk even more shit about black republicans, deep inside my tortured soul I realize that we all have our political differences and that's OK. But what's not OK, is when you defend somebody even though you know that they are as incompetent and mistake prone as an alcoholic bartender. I respect republicans who are blessed with objective thought, and can admit some of the mistakes this administration has made, I respect that. But there is a fanatical base of his supporters, acting like N'Sync fans circa 1999 hopped up on steroids and crystal meth, that defend our commander in chief regardless of any obvious faux paus that our president just made. How do you spot these weak willed, brown tongued individuals?? OK, glad you asked. Just start spouting off what you believe to be a laundry list of offenses by Mr. Bush, accompanied with quotes, facts, you name it. You can spot these lecherous sons of bitches if they somehow, remarkably, ignore the plethora of damning facts and somehow blame Clinton's cock for said offenses. Bad Economy? Clinton! Iraq? Clinton! Scandal ridden administration? Clinton's cock!! No offense Bush supporters, but for a guy who was supposed to "usher in an era of personal responsibility", you guys sure hold everyone else accountable.
Tupac Shakur: OK, Full disclosure here, I do get offended when people refer to him as the greatest rapper ever. This might be a very unpopular opinion, but I tend to think he had better material before he went to "Death Row" to be totally honest. Also, I do hold him responsible for being one of the sparks and further igniting a silly bi-coastal rap beef, and fumbling a great opportunity to make some positive change in the black community. That being said, I don't hate Tupac, I like a lot of his material, but his more fanatical fans tend to be absolutely bat-shit. Seriously, like "sitting in a padded room, making animal shapes out of your own feces on the wall" bat-shit. I say that because any time I ever criticized Tupac in the slightest manner, people become so outraged that they act like you have just cursed the creator himself, administering tongue lashings in my direction, even moving away from me to not get hit with some imaginary lighting bolt. I've heard every idiotic response like, "You just don't know Hip Hop!", "You weren't raised in the hood so you don't understand the struggle!", "You're a hater!", or any other 5th grade special needs response that unfortunately escaped their diseased cake-hole. Shit man, I wrote something critical of Tupac about a year ago and I still get nasty emails and comments, everything from threatening me with violence to name calling.(Granted, they are usually in ALL CAPS and misspelled, but that's neither her nor there.)
Mary J. Blige: I've knocked out a woman's brother once, cursed out some chicks father, poured a pitcher of beer on one date's best friend a few years back, and told one woman that her mother was nothing but a dime-store whore and still had the chance to clumsily give each one of those women the pleasure of experiencing the best 2 minutes of their natural born lives after those events. I said that to say this, nothing will talk the panties back on a black woman, thus ruin the chances of ever knowing her biblicly, faster than saying one unkind word about Mary J. Blige. Listen, I like Mary, I really do, I just hold two beliefs about her very close to my heart. 1. That Faith Evans is a better singer that just doesn't have the right material and 2. That Mary tends to play the victim card so much that her interviews are as entertaining as a wake. I know Mary has had negative experiences that she musically expresses in her songs and I have absolutely no problem with that, it's just that every interview I see her in she turns it into a "whoah is me" festival, it just seems contrived that's all. Whenever I publicly express the previous sentiments to women that I know, they get together and defend her tooth and nail, like Mary had given them a kidney once. I've been called more "Bastards" and "dickless sons of bitches" to last me a lifetime, so if you are of the fanatical nature feel free to be pissed, I'm used to it. But I guess so many women stick up for Mary because they can relate to her songs about love, heartbreak, and betrayal, and at the end of the day I can see why women swear by her. I know one thing though, if Mary ever wants to run for president she has the "Black woman" vote sewed up like a motherfucker.
Michael Jackson: I know this one is as obvious as Tom Cruise's homosexuality, with all the people frantically screaming Michael Jackson's name outside the court, equipped with banners and doves and shit, but nothing prepares you like being confronted by one up close and personal. I used to love Mike, watching the "Thriller" video in adolescent anticipation, but I used to love He-Man the same way and goddamnit I have moved on from that.(I still have a sexy He-Man costume in my closet, any takers ladies?) I can still play his older stuff and jam out in a way that only a chubby dreadlocked bastard like me can, but that doesn't mean that I approve of his current work or actions. Anyway, you can always tell who his crazy fans are because they might say the following: "So Michael likes to sleep with kids, so what?", "Just because he paid the first kid off doesn't mean anything!", "Michael is just misunderstood.", or some random bit of lunacy like that. I have had people attempt to strike me, curse me out, and read me the fucking riot act whenever I criticized MJ in the past. In some coke induced alternate universe, I guess he possibly could be innocent of everything he was ever accused of, I just no that my kid won't come within 3 states of that toddler aficionado. Did you know that I got fired from a job once because I told my boss, who was a big Michael Jackson fan, that Jacko was an "Adolescent nut juggler"?
The Grateful Dead: Did I ever tell you about the summer I followed "The Grateful Dead" around just for a piece of Hippy ass? It's true, I was enamored by this black hippy chick from Canada named Donna who absolutely swore by "The Grateful Dead". I wish I could tell you in specific detail the reasons I liked her, her child-like wonderment, how artistic she was, her intellect, her views on politics, the graceful way she carried herself as if she was floating, and the many more reasons I should have liked her. But to be honest, all those things aside, I liked her because she gave the best... Sorry, I won't be crass today, but she should have taught a class, truly on some "basketball through a straw" shit.(Sorry, couldn't resist) Anyway, I spent a few months going to a few "Dead" shows, and even though Hip Hop is my forte, I dug the stuff that I was listening to. Between the ultra nice Hippies, the women who had enough armpit hair it looked like a ball of yarn that a cat would play with, the Birkenstocks, the weed, the unwashed individuals, and the constant amount of "Hippie Love" that I got from Donna on a nightly basis, I was in heaven.
That was until Donna told me that she wanted to get intimate with a couple of dudes from Seattle in the back of their Van. As much as I tried to dissuade her, and express my undying love for her the same way Ben Affleck did in "Chasing Amy", or Eddie Murphy did at the end of "Boomerang", she shook her head and proceeded to go in the back of these guys van and get filled out like a mptherfucking application. Heartbroken, I packed my shit like the petulant child that I am and began to leave later, that's when Donna tried to get me to stay. I don't remember why I said "Fuck the Grateful Dead", but during my final "I'm leaving" speech I indeed said "Fuck the Grateful Dead!" making sure everyone heard me. That is when I was attacked, the same way one gets attacked in those zombie movies, by about 10 Hippies who took offense that I had just disrespected their band.(Included the two dudes who just had their way with Donna. Being stomped by men who smelled like they worked at a ass factory while wearing sandles, is definitely a spcial experience .) Bruised and battered, I limped out of that particular campground and made my way back to Virginia, vowing to never see Donna again. That was until a month later at a "Grateful Dead" show in New York, where me and Buddy viscously beat the two assholes who took part in jumping me previously. Damn I miss Buddy.